puffy

Thanks everyone!!!
Love your kind words bunny.
Typing with one hand. Surgeon clipped a nerve and my right arm has been on fire ever since... this too will pass. Not giving up!

sleepie

Awww Puff
It bears repeating

Cow

Puff. I use to has bad neuropathy ...from drinking! And you enduring it from you illness. I know that kind of pain/fire/needles can make you crazy. I use to physical beat on my areas and also roll them with wooden rolling pin, just to numb/distract these symptom. First respose is to be tears for you, Puff, but you out there typing with one hand and not giving up. So, I has to say, you keepa go, you bad ass son of a bitch! Crones and Misfits is right by you side.

sleepie

Is neuropathy a constant thing or does it flare up?

Cow

Both depending on cause. Alcoholic neuropathy can subside if you stop, but will progress otherwise. And it can become acute. I remembers drinking some night and past certain point of using, I would get up and suddenly my feet was total fire needles on the floor. Uh oh! I not sure in situation of neuropathy from other diseases. My neuropathy much better now.

Well I end my night with Billy episode, Sleepies. Best line, Billy run up frantically to lady on street: "Miss, Miss, for a dollar, Vince Vaughn ... ... what happened?!!" It so wrong, it right.

Lenina

((((Puffy))) sorry to hear about the report. Have you seen the book, "Love, Medicine and Miracles"? It was written back in the 80's by a oncologist, Dr Bernie Seagal ... Spelling might be wrong.... Anyway he wondered during his practice why some people got better and some didn't. Why some agressive cancers got cured and sometimes they didn't. So he started a research. This book is about what he found out. A very good book. I saw him speak back then too. Very good speaker, too, I thought, You might give it a look.

You may remember I do some self hypnosis for sleep and for pain control. I use meditation tapes and guided visualization, ask your doctors about it. I was using some twice a day and it helped me with pain control and with sleep. I think I got more restful sleep.

I know Dr Segal wrote a few more books and had some tapes but I didn't use them. He's very highly regarded. Take a look and see if it's something for you. I bet Amazon has it.

Our minds are very powerful. I think we are connected, mind and body.

Always keeping you in my thoughts.

Much love from Lenina

I don't think it's woo woo. The trances feel good to me and the guided meditations work best when used regularly. 10 20 minutes or so. Xox

puffy

Yes, cow, needles and pain galore. I walk like a zombie
Len- i will check out the book for sure. If I keep my arm in one position, it calms down so I can sleep. Off to sleep!

fini

ach, puffy, sending good wishes.
cow, i was actually just responding to trach's comment, and not to your attitude-post.
i'm all for positive attitudes that aren't polly-annish!
trick for me is to find the balance. it's where that oft-mentioned gratitude-thing comes in

Cow

My therapist want me to do gratitiude list every day, but is hard, cuz I not really FEEL gratititude and I has to make stuff up. Just like when I little Catholic girl and has to make stuff up for confession, cuz I not really FEEL sinful or guilty about anything. (And PS. Catholicism: Forcing childrens to confess they sins is some total crazy bullcrap!)

Anyways, I keep tell therapist, I want to cope better and has better attitude about my ACTUAL situation, not make up fantasy situations, or throw pink paint on things.

Is tricksy, as you say, fini. Like, I know how gratitude feel, I has felt that. So I ask therapist, can I no just jot down when I actual feel it? No, she would rather I pretend feel it for stuff every day. Okay, but lot of time I just write down crap I maybe appreciate in some limited way, but is not really gratitude.

This probable sound like tedious semantics to most peoples, but when you trying hard and want so much to be "a real boy," that stuff matter to you.

I think is long way to say, my reality right now is, I can has better attitude whether I got the gratitiude (or any other feelings) to back it up yet or not.

sleepie

That gratitude s*** infuriates me Cow, I'm not about to sit and count my blessings in the s***pile my life has been, and plenty of it NOT my fault, like my grey matter. I don't think it should be enforced.

I tried to be "little miss silver lining" years ago. For years... all it led to was me being a total welcome mat. "Oh you want me to do all this extra work for free and not say anything when I'm verbally abused by clients? Cool! At least I still get my 15 minute break!"... "What landlord, you can't do anything about the roach problem here even though I'm an excellent tenant and always pay my rent on time even though I can't afford food? Cool! At least I'll never be lonely with all these bugs keepin' me company!"... NOPE. Look at me now I'm beaten down to giving my time away for free at work, scared to say anything but be grateful for the crumbs life has given me. I think it prevents a person from feeling they deserve anything better.

And when you are coming from a place where you were raised to be beaten within an inch of your life and screamed at for being an ingrate because you weren't dying with gratitude for food and shelter and basic needs as a child (which I think it's illegal NOT to provide for children? A therapist had to point that out) you aren't exactly too keen on the grateful thing. It makes me sick.

I was made to feel that I should always be grateful for what I have and that I was a horrible person if I ever thought so much of myself that I might try for anything better. Bosses have done this to me too, they love to keep people down this way and with my upbringing it worked. I decided to stuff it and drink my sadness away.

I really took it to heart being raised this way. I mean I feel I have no right to anything in life. You all get after me for having a low opinion of myself, you can blame in part this grateful BS. It was beaten into me all my life growing up.

Another unpopular opinion by sleepie.

Cow

You total should trademark that: Another Unpopular Sleepie Opinion®

Thing about attitude is, it NOT about dismissing or invalidating or forgiving you experiences, it just about accepting that, really, all you can control is you attitude. Many times in life my attitude go down very dark scary road: "Life suck, life unfair, I abused, I hurt, why bother, things is too insurmountable, nothing gonna change, I gives up, nobody understand." I could go on, but you get picture. After my seizure last week, I briefly start to go down this road again, cuz was like, WTF?!! I been try so hard and now this horrific hell is back! But, I decide I just not gonna go there, I not gonna has that attitude about it. It not serve me. It certainly not make anything more fair or easy. It not gonna affect whether I start to has seizures again. It only gonna reinforce my negativity about life.

I notice you been talking about you "wonderful" boyfriend lately. And I total glad (and envious) that you has someone such as this. But I does remember many time you post about how he not care, not listen, not understand, etc. Well, what if you just decide he IS wonderful and doing best he can. You see what I mean? Is like when I talk to my brother about my seizure, I was in tears, talking about how I think I dying, and he make jokes "Did you see Jesus?!" This really hurt me. And I start to get into tizzy of attitude about how he so cold, he not care, he busy enjoying life and not really give crap about my sufferings. But then I stop. I challenge it, cuz I know, jokes is just his way of escaping intense emotional situations that he just simply can no be present with. He been this way whole life, he act same way with his girlfriend, it not about me. He had abuse in his life too, and no role model in my papa, and he a good brother despite his failings, and that my attitude going forward. No more judgement of him. ...and this shift end up being weight lifted off MY shoulders. Is this make sense or is I just pssing you off?

sleepie

It makes sense, it kind of sounds like being more removed and observing. I can sometimes do this. I dealt with a roomie who was a nightmare once and very antagonistic. I became a wall. He hated it. I did not engage, instead of letting it get to me... kind of like with your brother being insensitive? Am I close? I have to watch though because it borders on the weird non person kinda feeling I had all growing up, to get through the nightmare.

I did kind of do that with BF. I guess I was trying to give him credit for what he does for me. He does fall short but he's just a dumb dumb in that respect. I mean after all he put up with my benzo taper and previous drunken scenes. He coulda just said "No thanks". I mean not that I'm not deserving of a little kindness and understanding because of that, because I am. And I'm totally worth it because I am a loyal friend, giving in the ways that matter, honest to a fault and very fun to be around IRL when I am up to it.

But I do still get mad just not at him so much, but the unfairness of life where some people just have it made in the shade and others get the shaft, for me, for people here, for oppressed women and minorities the world over, for children in armies, for immigrants, for our Native genocide survivors eking it out on reservations...

weeping liberal sleepie

Cow

For me, is actual about being less removed and lowering walls, Sleepies. Cuz observation is very "surface" perception. Such as, when I talking to brother, anybody who hear that conversation would be, "Jesus God, what a jerk!" Cuz on surface, his response total insensitive! But I knows him, and if I let go of "hurt" and look deeper, at his whole person, I get it. And it come down to: Does I believe he wish for my well being and is doing best he can? Yes I does. So I gonna go with that and accept his limitations.

Peoples who was abuse, we has double edge sword. We has (understandably) BIG WALLS for protection, but often that mean we always looking to jump on every little thing anybody do that hurt us when really they maybe just human and deserve benefit of doubt. But also, reality is, we does have to look out for our selfs and make sure we not allow abuse again. And sometime we does has to say, NO, you not allow to be in my life, cuz you not person who support my well being! Is challenging, yes?

Lenina

Cow, I think the gratitude list is helpful for getting into a habit of mind, looking for the more positive. My sponsor had me frame the list like "I'm grateful for having this toast with honey for breakfast", rather than " I'm grateful I'm not going hungry". See the difference? I was bugged about having to sit down and eat the toast and write the list! She wanted ten things daily! I had to look around constantly for gratitude!

I think it did change my way of thinking. Instead of wallowing around in self pity, which I was prone to do, I got me into a better habit.

Does that make sense?

Love from Lenina

We were posting at the same time.

trachemys

Cow, time for a change: time for "Woe is Moo" to go.

Tooshabby

It doesn't sound like tedious semantics at all, Cow. There is scientific evidence to back it up too, related to the neuroplasticity of the brain. Even if you feel in the beginning you are forcing the gratitude, you can forge new neural connections and pathways in the brain. I like the analogy of tracks in a field of long grass. The first few times you walk a new path it's tough going, but eventually it's the easier track to walk and more natural track to choose because it's well worn. Same with habitual thinking - positive or negative.

(((Puffy))) Did the surgeon say that the clipped nerve would heal soonish?

courage2

I've posted on a gratitude thread here probably every day for the last ... 3 years? It hasn't hurt me at all.

My biggest hurdle w/the whole gratitude thing was, who/what am I supposed to be grateful to? I just decided not to worry about it. I don't try to make it sensible.

If I spend 2 minutes of a day thinking about something that made the last 24 hours just slightly better than it otherwise might have been, that's an ok 2 minutes.

fini

Is tricksy, as you say, fini. Like, I know how gratitude feel, I has felt that. So I ask therapist, can I no just jot down when I actual feel it? No, she would rather I pretend feel it for stuff every day. Okay, but lot of time I just write down crap I maybe appreciate in some limited way, but is not really gratitude.

no, i don't see it as semantics, Cow.
but really? she wants you to pretend to feel it? or did she speak more to the limited-way-appreciation you mention?

i used to decry all this gratitude crap as new-agey ridiculous self-placating self-fooling bs, designed to turn us into non-questioning, non-change-making complacent sheep.

but i don't think that anymore. don't decry it anymore.
my own experience shows me that is has benefit for me without affecting my intelligence or sarcasm or critical thinking.

i like the distinction you make between gratitude and appreciation. i'm not sure WHY i like it, but it speaks to me. i'm just usually trying for a list of three, but want three different things from day to day, and find that hard enough.
and i don't like it and self-criticize when on the list something appears that i appreciate something that others don't have, and then it all gets screwy.

courage2, yes, i've asked myself the question about who/what to be grateful to. and don't, anymore.
it's not necessary. in fact, it can easily backfire. it implies almost that things are given, or withheld, which isn't where i'm going when i'm grateful.
or appreciative.

puffy

Shabs- my surgeon has the worst bedside manner. I asked him if the burning fire in my arm would dissipate after awhile. Without eye contact, he kind of shrugged and said "It should". So not reassuring. And he never told me about the nerve situation until I brought it up. He said he had to sacrifice it. Ok, but let me in. Anyhow, I have 1 more appointment with him and then I'm changing doctors and going to a prominent cancer center, hopefully. Don't want to jinx it but the wheels are in motion.

sleepie

Puff, surgeons are notoriously lacking in bedside manner.

You don't deserve that.