I want to say thank you and goodbye
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Fabat,
We all know how terrible that feeling is, especially the not knowing what came over us... for me it feels like an alien being opened the bottle of wine and drank it.
We are on autopilot -- I find I drink the first drink quickly, maybe so I don't change my mind, who knows... its all part of how cunning our AV is.
The really strange thing for me is the feeling of calm control that some over me once i have decided to drink, long before I drink. Dodds writes well about it in his books.
I wish you did not have go through this, but most of us have. We have learned from it, brushed ourselves off, and given it another go.
Just don't wait and use this as an excuse to start drinking again -- I would strongly advise you not to feel like you are starting over -- you are still at 70 days, just not at 71. Don't beat yourself up, feel sorry for yourself, label yourself a looser.
That is all the AV - it is savage, like the worst psychopath dude you ever dated -- sleep with me, oh you sleep with me, you are a ____, and on it goes.
Tell it to shut the heck up, come back here and do what you have done the last 70 days -- made all of our lives richer, and helped many of us.
You got this -- now take it.
We all know how terrible that feeling is, especially the not knowing what came over us... for me it feels like an alien being opened the bottle of wine and drank it.
We are on autopilot -- I find I drink the first drink quickly, maybe so I don't change my mind, who knows... its all part of how cunning our AV is.
The really strange thing for me is the feeling of calm control that some over me once i have decided to drink, long before I drink. Dodds writes well about it in his books.
I wish you did not have go through this, but most of us have. We have learned from it, brushed ourselves off, and given it another go.
Just don't wait and use this as an excuse to start drinking again -- I would strongly advise you not to feel like you are starting over -- you are still at 70 days, just not at 71. Don't beat yourself up, feel sorry for yourself, label yourself a looser.
That is all the AV - it is savage, like the worst psychopath dude you ever dated -- sleep with me, oh you sleep with me, you are a ____, and on it goes.
Tell it to shut the heck up, come back here and do what you have done the last 70 days -- made all of our lives richer, and helped many of us.
You got this -- now take it.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
Sending hugs your way, Fab. We get it. Nobody said beating this thing would be easy. All the guilt and shame you feel this morning is exactly the kind of thing that kept me drinking for nearly 30 years before I finally got it. Get up, dust yourself off and use this as a learning experience to help you grow. No matter what, we're always here for you. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 397
You don't know how happy I am to see your new post! Welcome back! I need you here!
Try not to beat yourself up. It does no good to do that. I did it for days and it kept me drinking.
Till I finally came back to myself and told the AV to f--k off.
We can do this Fab At 50! Which you no doubt will be
Try not to beat yourself up. It does no good to do that. I did it for days and it kept me drinking.
Till I finally came back to myself and told the AV to f--k off.
We can do this Fab At 50! Which you no doubt will be
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
AV loves it when you feel bad and like an idiot.
I'm quite certain you are neither bad nor stupid.
My youngest daughter taught this to me over the summer. We were out to dinner just chatting away when she mentioned that all of her friends thought I was a great mom and she did too. I was flabbergasted, "Even though I drink???" She said quite warmly, "Well, you are also human."
Go easy on the self-flagellation.
And hard on the AV who is not, after all, "you."
I'm quite certain you are neither bad nor stupid.
My youngest daughter taught this to me over the summer. We were out to dinner just chatting away when she mentioned that all of her friends thought I was a great mom and she did too. I was flabbergasted, "Even though I drink???" She said quite warmly, "Well, you are also human."
Go easy on the self-flagellation.
And hard on the AV who is not, after all, "you."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
My sponsor has asked of me many times
"why is our worse experience our best experience ?"
Answer
because it can be so convincing.
As I look back I see where those last (couple) of times in which I returned to the drink truly did convince me that yes, I had more than my share of pain and I was now done with all that.
I had finally made a (firm decision.
Mountainmanbob
"why is our worse experience our best experience ?"
Answer
because it can be so convincing.
As I look back I see where those last (couple) of times in which I returned to the drink truly did convince me that yes, I had more than my share of pain and I was now done with all that.
I had finally made a (firm decision.
Mountainmanbob
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
We have all been where you are, Fabat. You are not a horrible person ... you are a human being who has a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. That is not your fault. Nobody ever said getting sober and staying sober was easy. If it were, this forum would be empty.
One of the things that makes alcoholism so insidious is the shame, guilt, and demoralization we feel when we drink. We feel like failures. And those horrible feelings are what make us continue to drink. Which makes us feel worse, so we drink some more. It's a hamster wheel that is tough to get off of.
Don't let that ugly chatter in your head tell you that you are less. You are more than you think. You can do this - you HAVE done this - so do it again. We are only human and we fail sometimes, for whatever reasons. What matters is that we keep trying, and I know you will. Take this drinking episode for what it is ... a valuable lesson you can learn from. I understood why I drank when I was upset or stressed, but it baffled me that I would drink after accomplishing days or weeks of sobriety and felt fantastic. WHY? Well, because I'm an alcoholic and any reason to drink is a good reason to drink ... happy, sad, mad, stressed, tired, sick, bored ... they were all "logical" reasons to open the whiskey bottle.
I'm glad you came back. When the lifeboat springs a leak, you can go down with the ship or reach for the life preserver. You can do this. We can help. You are worth it.
Best wishes for a great new day.
One of the things that makes alcoholism so insidious is the shame, guilt, and demoralization we feel when we drink. We feel like failures. And those horrible feelings are what make us continue to drink. Which makes us feel worse, so we drink some more. It's a hamster wheel that is tough to get off of.
Don't let that ugly chatter in your head tell you that you are less. You are more than you think. You can do this - you HAVE done this - so do it again. We are only human and we fail sometimes, for whatever reasons. What matters is that we keep trying, and I know you will. Take this drinking episode for what it is ... a valuable lesson you can learn from. I understood why I drank when I was upset or stressed, but it baffled me that I would drink after accomplishing days or weeks of sobriety and felt fantastic. WHY? Well, because I'm an alcoholic and any reason to drink is a good reason to drink ... happy, sad, mad, stressed, tired, sick, bored ... they were all "logical" reasons to open the whiskey bottle.
I'm glad you came back. When the lifeboat springs a leak, you can go down with the ship or reach for the life preserver. You can do this. We can help. You are worth it.
Best wishes for a great new day.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
easier on the self flagellation and harder on the AV , that's awesome
Ignoring the AV , for me, means to ignore the 'intentions' of the AV , or the urges and cravings for 'the warm , fuzzy' 'the relaxation' 'just a buzz'. I listen/hear/fell the intentions and coaxings , not try and shut them out and stuff them away , they seemed to come back stronger and louder and blindside me. I instead drag the lies out into the light "it will be just once" "it will be different this time" ect and answer them by acknowledging that nothing in the past has proved those lies to be true, accept that they aren't and then watch the incredibly false thought wither and die in the strong light . The more you do that the more obvious the lies become , it gets starved out.
Ignoring the AV , for me, means to ignore the 'intentions' of the AV , or the urges and cravings for 'the warm , fuzzy' 'the relaxation' 'just a buzz'. I listen/hear/fell the intentions and coaxings , not try and shut them out and stuff them away , they seemed to come back stronger and louder and blindside me. I instead drag the lies out into the light "it will be just once" "it will be different this time" ect and answer them by acknowledging that nothing in the past has proved those lies to be true, accept that they aren't and then watch the incredibly false thought wither and die in the strong light . The more you do that the more obvious the lies become , it gets starved out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Missouri
Posts: 515
Great posts! Fab, you brought tears to my eyes.
We have a couple "friends" signs at our farm. They go something like this (too cold to go out and look!)
"You can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives! it's funnier that that, I'll look when I go to church). And... "I'd rather have one good friend than a thousand relatives"
Another good one out of the blue "I'm so miserable wo you it's like having you here!"
Then we have lots of gun signs. "If you are found here tonight, you will be found here in the morning" (big gun pic on sign). And a big gun "if you can read this sign, you are in range!"
Just a little Sunday morning humor!!! We own a big, very public farm which specializes in a family tradition of pumpkins and fall festivals.
Ok so 70 days is awesome. In 2009 I had four months going strong. My AV kicked my legs out from under me. It was so dam unexpected. I didn't really recover till now. A few small runs but nothing to be proud of. I'm new again in this fight but with more determination than I've ever had in my life. I'm at the stage where I've finally decided I don't want to drink any more. So is my husband.
That dam wine mixed with a nasty devil AV is just a devil that we can overcome.
You take care Fab. We're all in this together.
Olivia
We have a couple "friends" signs at our farm. They go something like this (too cold to go out and look!)
"You can choose your friends but you can't choose your relatives! it's funnier that that, I'll look when I go to church). And... "I'd rather have one good friend than a thousand relatives"
Another good one out of the blue "I'm so miserable wo you it's like having you here!"
Then we have lots of gun signs. "If you are found here tonight, you will be found here in the morning" (big gun pic on sign). And a big gun "if you can read this sign, you are in range!"
Just a little Sunday morning humor!!! We own a big, very public farm which specializes in a family tradition of pumpkins and fall festivals.
Ok so 70 days is awesome. In 2009 I had four months going strong. My AV kicked my legs out from under me. It was so dam unexpected. I didn't really recover till now. A few small runs but nothing to be proud of. I'm new again in this fight but with more determination than I've ever had in my life. I'm at the stage where I've finally decided I don't want to drink any more. So is my husband.
That dam wine mixed with a nasty devil AV is just a devil that we can overcome.
You take care Fab. We're all in this together.
Olivia
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Its wonderful how we can learn from each other if we listen.
I am listening.
Like how not to shut the AV out, but to listen to it, and then tell it why its full of it. Because, lets face it, those arguments wouldn't pass the laugh test except for those of us that want to hear them. For example, my AV knows I still want to believe I can control it, even with all evidence to the contrary. So instead of turning the other way, based on what I have earned here, I know say, oh yeah, how about the last time -- call that control... and off it goes (until it comes back with another stupid argument).
The other thing I have learned is not to try and pretend I don't have negative emotions, but rather not to act on them, but to use them for information.
Come to think of it, I guess its kind of the same thing -- my AV is screaming, I not going to listen to it, but why is it screaming?? I am angry, I don't like it, but I am, why am I angry.
Just two small examples of what I have learned today from all of you.
Plus plug the jug -- I like that.
Thank you all for being here.
I am listening.
Like how not to shut the AV out, but to listen to it, and then tell it why its full of it. Because, lets face it, those arguments wouldn't pass the laugh test except for those of us that want to hear them. For example, my AV knows I still want to believe I can control it, even with all evidence to the contrary. So instead of turning the other way, based on what I have earned here, I know say, oh yeah, how about the last time -- call that control... and off it goes (until it comes back with another stupid argument).
The other thing I have learned is not to try and pretend I don't have negative emotions, but rather not to act on them, but to use them for information.
Come to think of it, I guess its kind of the same thing -- my AV is screaming, I not going to listen to it, but why is it screaming?? I am angry, I don't like it, but I am, why am I angry.
Just two small examples of what I have learned today from all of you.
Plus plug the jug -- I like that.
Thank you all for being here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
I have read, and reread, every single word of every post on this thread. You can not imagine the strength you have given me. I spent the day thinking, walking and doing homework with my children. I feel much more pragmatic than I did yesterday.
Some of you may know that I have never been open to AA until now. For several reasons. Firstly I am not religious and I can't ever see myself finding my "higher spirit" be it God or something else. Secondly where I live in Europe the AA structures are pretty weak and the principles seem to be poorly understood and practiced. Thirdly I did go to my nearest meeting once and there were only a few of us there, myself, a sweet nutty elderly old lady and a poor drunken guy. The main topic of conversation for an hour was how poor the coffee was and why couldn't there be more biscuits! And the group meets once every 3 weeks!
But, one of the many things this site has done for me is to open my eyes to so many new ideas and expériences. I am thinking that I may explore the AA route further. I know in bigger towns the meetings may be better organised, and I know (think?) that there is also an on line AA support.
I think I may also stop "counting' my exact number of days sober. I can't explain why, but I feel as if I want to concentrate on the here and now and where I am going and not ticking off the days from my past.
Sorry, rambling. x
Some of you may know that I have never been open to AA until now. For several reasons. Firstly I am not religious and I can't ever see myself finding my "higher spirit" be it God or something else. Secondly where I live in Europe the AA structures are pretty weak and the principles seem to be poorly understood and practiced. Thirdly I did go to my nearest meeting once and there were only a few of us there, myself, a sweet nutty elderly old lady and a poor drunken guy. The main topic of conversation for an hour was how poor the coffee was and why couldn't there be more biscuits! And the group meets once every 3 weeks!
But, one of the many things this site has done for me is to open my eyes to so many new ideas and expériences. I am thinking that I may explore the AA route further. I know in bigger towns the meetings may be better organised, and I know (think?) that there is also an on line AA support.
I think I may also stop "counting' my exact number of days sober. I can't explain why, but I feel as if I want to concentrate on the here and now and where I am going and not ticking off the days from my past.
Sorry, rambling. x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Missouri
Posts: 515
Fab - I'm not a big day counter either. Not sure what it is to me but not my style for some reason.... Counterproductive or something... Can't come up with the word!
Give AA a shot. Take what you can get good out of it. Don't worry about stuff that isn't you.
I never cared for the "amends" part. I live a very spiritual life with God as my higher power. Always have ... Was very surprised how spiritual AA was when I went in 2009. I feel like I lead a good life. I try to keep my mouth shut instead of saying things I have to apologize later for. I did she apologize tho. Just had to get it off my conscience (sp?) if I harmed someone. Nobody is gonna like every aspect of any program. I remember a funny old codger (sp?) in a meeting. Used it if cuss words. Yowza! He'd say if you don't want to make amends then don't (with many colorful words).
It's easy for me to admit I'm an alcohol. It was hard to so something about it.
You did catch a bad meeting. Hope you can find a good one or online good stuff.
Try to catch a speaker night! Very eye opening! AA is very eye opening in general.
Glad you are back. Now I really see what a great support system SR is!
Olivia
Give AA a shot. Take what you can get good out of it. Don't worry about stuff that isn't you.
I never cared for the "amends" part. I live a very spiritual life with God as my higher power. Always have ... Was very surprised how spiritual AA was when I went in 2009. I feel like I lead a good life. I try to keep my mouth shut instead of saying things I have to apologize later for. I did she apologize tho. Just had to get it off my conscience (sp?) if I harmed someone. Nobody is gonna like every aspect of any program. I remember a funny old codger (sp?) in a meeting. Used it if cuss words. Yowza! He'd say if you don't want to make amends then don't (with many colorful words).
It's easy for me to admit I'm an alcohol. It was hard to so something about it.
You did catch a bad meeting. Hope you can find a good one or online good stuff.
Try to catch a speaker night! Very eye opening! AA is very eye opening in general.
Glad you are back. Now I really see what a great support system SR is!
Olivia
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by Fabat50 
Just woken up. Its nearly 2pm here.
Well my Goodness SR. You people are truly amazing. You have probably heard the expression "Friends are the Family that we chose for ourselves" You feel like family to me. I even have images in my head of what you all look like. I am sincerely touched by every post here.
So, the Sunday activity planned with the children has flown out of the window. Massive hangover, half finished glass next to my bed I must have fallen into a drunken slumber have way through it), last night's dinner plates yet to be washed up, and I feel sick to the stomach with myself. Déjà vu. Back to the future. Back to 70 days ago.
I still can't believe I did it. I felt on top of the world. Then my AV told me to have a one little "celebratory drink" to congratulate myself for getting my **** together. And I was feeling so warm and fuzzy I did, without any resistance.
I need to spend some time today thinking about what went wrong. The AV had put in an appearance a couple of times last week but I did not bother to analyse why it had suddenly come back. I think I got a bit complacent to be honest and thought I had things firmly under control.
On a positive note. I am going to start again NOW. I am not throwing it away. But I am feeling so bad about things. I can't quite believe it. After all the happy times I posted saying I know I will never drink again. What an idiot.
And yes someone mentioned my pseudo here earlier, I am FAB AT 50 because my 50 birthday is towards the end of this year and I wanted to hit it being and feeling fabulous. But I also get called FAT AT, and even FAT BAT! That does make me chuckle, but I will gladly answer to anything!
Wishing you all a happy peaceful and sober Sunday and heart felt thanks.
The FAB FAT OLD LOSER BAT xx
Well my Goodness SR. You people are truly amazing. You have probably heard the expression "Friends are the Family that we chose for ourselves" You feel like family to me. I even have images in my head of what you all look like. I am sincerely touched by every post here.
So, the Sunday activity planned with the children has flown out of the window. Massive hangover, half finished glass next to my bed I must have fallen into a drunken slumber have way through it), last night's dinner plates yet to be washed up, and I feel sick to the stomach with myself. Déjà vu. Back to the future. Back to 70 days ago.
I still can't believe I did it. I felt on top of the world. Then my AV told me to have a one little "celebratory drink" to congratulate myself for getting my **** together. And I was feeling so warm and fuzzy I did, without any resistance.
I need to spend some time today thinking about what went wrong. The AV had put in an appearance a couple of times last week but I did not bother to analyse why it had suddenly come back. I think I got a bit complacent to be honest and thought I had things firmly under control.
On a positive note. I am going to start again NOW. I am not throwing it away. But I am feeling so bad about things. I can't quite believe it. After all the happy times I posted saying I know I will never drink again. What an idiot.
And yes someone mentioned my pseudo here earlier, I am FAB AT 50 because my 50 birthday is towards the end of this year and I wanted to hit it being and feeling fabulous. But I also get called FAT AT, and even FAT BAT! That does make me chuckle, but I will gladly answer to anything!
Wishing you all a happy peaceful and sober Sunday and heart felt thanks.
The FAB FAT OLD LOSER BAT xx
Hey, I'm turning 50 in December 2016. Day after Xmas to be exact. I figured sobriety would be a great send-off to my 40s, and a good way to launch into my 50s at a sprint!
Glad you're back on the horse. Those slips hit a lot of people. I'm at 7 days and feeling wonderful, and I hope you'll remind me if there's a slip that the best thing to do is get back on the horse and keep riding.
So glad you're back!!!
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