What to do when someone really tries to pull you back in?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
What to do when someone really tries to pull you back in?
I am sober. Very happy this way and have rid myself of a former friend who kept dragging me down. She has gone off and started drinking at bars alone and as one of my former posts reads, she has a DUI and is drinking on probation with a suspended license.
Now that I am sober, I have friends who like to go out to restaurants. I live in a VERY small town and she will drive around this town and look for my car. She comes in, and starts a scene asking why I walked out of the last place she stalked me at the last time she saw me. So, I get up and leave again. Inconvenient.
I have her number blocked. She was calling up to 10 times a day before I blocked her. I told her never call again, told her she needs to leave me alone, and she would still beg me to go drinking. I am throwing a party for a 70 year old friend tonight. A very respected man. Everyone is invited but her. It is at a restaurant and I have a feeling she will crash it drunk. I bought a nice cake, have reservations, and she will just walk right in and sit down and ruin everything. A few of our friends feel so bad about her alcoholism that they will just let her take advantage because she "Can't help it.". Her mother passed away last year, her husband left her because of her drinking and so on. However, I can't deal with it. Should I cause a scene? Lose all my sober friends? Thanks.
Now that I am sober, I have friends who like to go out to restaurants. I live in a VERY small town and she will drive around this town and look for my car. She comes in, and starts a scene asking why I walked out of the last place she stalked me at the last time she saw me. So, I get up and leave again. Inconvenient.
I have her number blocked. She was calling up to 10 times a day before I blocked her. I told her never call again, told her she needs to leave me alone, and she would still beg me to go drinking. I am throwing a party for a 70 year old friend tonight. A very respected man. Everyone is invited but her. It is at a restaurant and I have a feeling she will crash it drunk. I bought a nice cake, have reservations, and she will just walk right in and sit down and ruin everything. A few of our friends feel so bad about her alcoholism that they will just let her take advantage because she "Can't help it.". Her mother passed away last year, her husband left her because of her drinking and so on. However, I can't deal with it. Should I cause a scene? Lose all my sober friends? Thanks.
do what's necessary mate.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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I have thought about that but I used to work in law enforcement and unfortunately in PA you can not get a restraining order unless someone has made threats of violence or it was a former relationship where the person is stalking you. There are too many people filing and they all get thrown out. I could file harassment charges or just stay home for the rest of my life.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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I'd look into a restraining order or a harassment claim despite the fact that they may not be all that enforceable. You have every right to be in public and enjoy yourself, and staying home is no solution either as she could just come there too, right?
To me it IS harassment or stalking for her to be driving around town to track you down. How about informing the restaurant manager that you are being harassed? They have a right to ask her to leave, and if she won't they can call the police themselves. You don't need to cause a scene...politely ask her to leave you alone and if she doesn't ask a waitress or server to get the manager.
Another thing to consider is that if she's driving around drunk to find you, you could let the police know so they could check her for drunk driving again.
To me it IS harassment or stalking for her to be driving around town to track you down. How about informing the restaurant manager that you are being harassed? They have a right to ask her to leave, and if she won't they can call the police themselves. You don't need to cause a scene...politely ask her to leave you alone and if she doesn't ask a waitress or server to get the manager.
Another thing to consider is that if she's driving around drunk to find you, you could let the police know so they could check her for drunk driving again.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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I agree with Scott and others. Do whatever you can legally and try to maintain your dignity through this mess. Where I live in Canada, the stalking law protects the person being stalked. If you feel threatened, and whether or not the stalker has verbally threatened you, you can call police once you've filed a restraining order.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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I guess I don't understand why you are worried about "losing all your sober friends"... A friend is a friend is a friend. And, if they are sober stable people they will figure things out fairly quickly and take into consideration her drunk behavior. How does she even know about this party you think she will crash? Did you tell her about it? I'm not getting after you for any of this, but at some point in time you allowed this person to get intimate with you. If you don't want her crashing your parties, don't let her know you are even having one...
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
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Originally Posted by behindblueyes 
I am sober. Very happy this way and have rid myself of a former friend who kept dragging me down. She has gone off and started drinking at bars alone and as one of my former posts reads, she has a DUI and is drinking on probation with a suspended license.
Now that I am sober, I have friends who like to go out to restaurants. I live in a VERY small town and she will drive around this town and look for my car. She comes in, and starts a scene asking why I walked out of the last place she stalked me at the last time she saw me. So, I get up and leave again. Inconvenient.
I have her number blocked. She was calling up to 10 times a day before I blocked her. I told her never call again, told her she needs to leave me alone, and she would still beg me to go drinking. I am throwing a party for a 70 year old friend tonight. A very respected man. Everyone is invited but her. It is at a restaurant and I have a feeling she will crash it drunk. I bought a nice cake, have reservations, and she will just walk right in and sit down and ruin everything. A few of our friends feel so bad about her alcoholism that they will just let her take advantage because she "Can't help it.". Her mother passed away last year, her husband left her because of her drinking and so on. However, I can't deal with it. Should I cause a scene? Lose all my sober friends? Thanks.
Now that I am sober, I have friends who like to go out to restaurants. I live in a VERY small town and she will drive around this town and look for my car. She comes in, and starts a scene asking why I walked out of the last place she stalked me at the last time she saw me. So, I get up and leave again. Inconvenient.
I have her number blocked. She was calling up to 10 times a day before I blocked her. I told her never call again, told her she needs to leave me alone, and she would still beg me to go drinking. I am throwing a party for a 70 year old friend tonight. A very respected man. Everyone is invited but her. It is at a restaurant and I have a feeling she will crash it drunk. I bought a nice cake, have reservations, and she will just walk right in and sit down and ruin everything. A few of our friends feel so bad about her alcoholism that they will just let her take advantage because she "Can't help it.". Her mother passed away last year, her husband left her because of her drinking and so on. However, I can't deal with it. Should I cause a scene? Lose all my sober friends? Thanks.
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read up
Stalking | Domestic Violence Topics | Learn More | The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence (PCADV)
Section 2709 - Title 18 - CRIMES AND OFFENSES
have you mentioned to her, with witnesses, that if she doesnt leave you alone you will start legal action to get her to leave you alone? mentioned to her, with witnesses, that what she is doin is stalking and illegal?
Stalking | Domestic Violence Topics | Learn More | The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence (PCADV)
Section 2709 - Title 18 - CRIMES AND OFFENSES
have you mentioned to her, with witnesses, that if she doesnt leave you alone you will start legal action to get her to leave you alone? mentioned to her, with witnesses, that what she is doin is stalking and illegal?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
You'll have to make your own decisions, but if I knew someone was driving plowed I would call the police and report her for it. Someone, including your former friend, could get killed. It wouldn't matter how many DUIs the person had, if she's still drinking and driving after a DUI then she may need another one and some jail time to break out of the cycle. But either way, it protects the public as well as her own life.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,591
So sorry this is happening to you. Thank goodness you have a good 7 months up and more importantly that you are liking it. It makes me really pissed off that a woman having achieved 2 years of sobriety herself could behave this way. She missed the boat in some way that's for sure. Just goes to show that it's not the length of sobriety but the quality of sobriety. I've only got a tiny 3 weeks but I'd be putting my foot down around this one. 
(metaphor). Tell her to rack off and mean it. She'll capitalise on the pity. She 13th Stepped you (I don't go to AA but know the lingo) relapsed and now wants to suck you back in. Now that's mean and destructive.
(metaphor). Tell her to rack off and mean it. She'll capitalise on the pity. She 13th Stepped you (I don't go to AA but know the lingo) relapsed and now wants to suck you back in. Now that's mean and destructive.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 75
If you're feeling stressed about this, perhaps share the load with a few trusted folks? Without badmouthing her (or providing more detail than you're comfortable with about your own sobriety) just matter of factly explain the issue and that there's a chance for a scene. Kills many birds with one stone: you won't feel this is all on you, you'll have some assistance if things happen to go awry, and the advance notice could help get things resolved quickly rather than having folks paralyzed with shock.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by behindblueyes
I am sober. Very happy this way and have rid myself of a former friend who kept dragging me down. She has gone off and started drinking at bars alone and as one of my former posts reads, she has a DUI and is drinking on probation with a suspended license.
Now that I am sober, I have friends who like to go out to restaurants. I live in a VERY small town and she will drive around this town and look for my car. She comes in, and starts a scene asking why I walked out of the last place she stalked me at the last time she saw me. So, I get up and leave again. Inconvenient.
I have her number blocked. She was calling up to 10 times a day before I blocked her. I told her never call again, told her she needs to leave me alone, and she would still beg me to go drinking. I am throwing a party for a 70 year old friend tonight. A very respected man. Everyone is invited but her. It is at a restaurant and I have a feeling she will crash it drunk. I bought a nice cake, have reservations, and she will just walk right in and sit down and ruin everything. A few of our friends feel so bad about her alcoholism that they will just let her take advantage because she "Can't help it.". Her mother passed away last year, her husband left her because of her drinking and so on. However, I can't deal with it. Should I cause a scene? Lose all my sober friends? Thanks.
Now that I am sober, I have friends who like to go out to restaurants. I live in a VERY small town and she will drive around this town and look for my car. She comes in, and starts a scene asking why I walked out of the last place she stalked me at the last time she saw me. So, I get up and leave again. Inconvenient.
I have her number blocked. She was calling up to 10 times a day before I blocked her. I told her never call again, told her she needs to leave me alone, and she would still beg me to go drinking. I am throwing a party for a 70 year old friend tonight. A very respected man. Everyone is invited but her. It is at a restaurant and I have a feeling she will crash it drunk. I bought a nice cake, have reservations, and she will just walk right in and sit down and ruin everything. A few of our friends feel so bad about her alcoholism that they will just let her take advantage because she "Can't help it.". Her mother passed away last year, her husband left her because of her drinking and so on. However, I can't deal with it. Should I cause a scene? Lose all my sober friends? Thanks.
I`ve found myself in a similar position. Maybe not so dramatic but quite annoying. I began to put up boundaries and making it clear that I didn`t want to socialize. However, the person continued to ignore my request and whenever they get a chance attempt to engage me.
Getting anger often just feeds the other person. I`ve found the best way is to "drop the rope" and refuse to participate.
If she were to walk in to your dinner party and become disruptive you could ask the staff to explain she can`t be seated with your group. However, if others want her to sit down and join than this becomes even more uncomfortable.
The main thing is not to let her get a reaction out of you. The sooner she realizes you won`t participate the sooner she will find someone else that will.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
How about informing the restaurant manager that you are being harassed? They have a right to ask her to leave, and if she won't they can call the police themselves. You don't need to cause a scene...politely ask her to leave you alone and if she doesn't ask a waitress or server to get the manager.
Another thing to consider is that if she's driving around drunk to find you, you could let the police know so they could check her for drunk driving again.
Another thing to consider is that if she's driving around drunk to find you, you could let the police know so they could check her for drunk driving again.
No reputable business manager wants a large party disrupted by someone who hasn't put any money in the register.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
The OP wrote:
Why do you feel you might lose your sober friends if the staff ends up escorting her out? Are your friends so sympathetic they may end up siding with her?
My guess is this woman knows very well what she`s doing and if necessarily will play the others against you should she be asked to leave.
I think it`s wise that you`re thinking of a game plan now. This way is she does turn up you`ll have an idea of how to handle it.
(Side note: A few of my co-workers and I usually get together this time of your for a dinner party. However, there is a former co-worker of ours who has shown up the last few times drunk. Others find him the life of the dinner conversation but I don`t. When asked why I`m not attending this year I said I don`t like listening to the guy while he`s trashed.)
Originally Posted by behindblueyes
...A few of our friends feel so bad about her alcoholism that they will just let her take advantage because she "Can't help it.". Her mother passed away last year, her husband left her because of her drinking and so on. However, I can't deal with it. Should I cause a scene? Lose all my sober friends? Thanks.
My guess is this woman knows very well what she`s doing and if necessarily will play the others against you should she be asked to leave.
I think it`s wise that you`re thinking of a game plan now. This way is she does turn up you`ll have an idea of how to handle it.
(Side note: A few of my co-workers and I usually get together this time of your for a dinner party. However, there is a former co-worker of ours who has shown up the last few times drunk. Others find him the life of the dinner conversation but I don`t. When asked why I`m not attending this year I said I don`t like listening to the guy while he`s trashed.)
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