Harming others
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 204
Harming others
Well....it's official. I am unable to talk my (MEAN) bosses out of fining people. It's a LONG story, but the short version is had I been doing what I was supposed to be doing at work, the situation would have never come to this. And now other people are paying for my screwing up.
That's the main motivating factor behind me getting treatment- not only were my actions harming me, but now other, innocent people were being drawn into this.
I have a LOT of guilt. How do I accept that my (in)actions harmed others, and move on?
That's the main motivating factor behind me getting treatment- not only were my actions harming me, but now other, innocent people were being drawn into this.
I have a LOT of guilt. How do I accept that my (in)actions harmed others, and move on?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Obviously I don't know the backstory, but you have to formulate a way to move forward. Dwelling on the past will not lead to progress. Make amends to those you have to, and take the necessary action to improve yourself. Whatever that may be. Not sure that helps much, but I think that would be the frame of mind necessary to move forward.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Recovery999 
I have a LOT of guilt. How do I accept that my (in)actions harmed others, and move on?
Feeling remorse for our mistakes is a natural reaction and it doesn't feel good. Use it as a reminder when you have doubts about whether or not you should stay on your recovery path if that helps.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Fining people for what?
I can't understand if you mean that your behaviour led your bosses to tighten up their rules and they now fine other employees for behaving how you got away with (which is one thing to deal with / think about)...
or
If they are fining people because they late paid or something, and you think that's your fault because you sent a letter out late / didn't send it (which could be a something entirely different).
Does your boss know your part in all this, or not?
I can't understand if you mean that your behaviour led your bosses to tighten up their rules and they now fine other employees for behaving how you got away with (which is one thing to deal with / think about)...
or
If they are fining people because they late paid or something, and you think that's your fault because you sent a letter out late / didn't send it (which could be a something entirely different).
Does your boss know your part in all this, or not?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 204
Like I said, it's a long story. I DESPISE my bosses. Don't care if that's "wrong" because when people conduct themselves where they're PROUD to make people cry ("on a weekly basis"), when people have lost every shred of compassion, when people mock those who are still compassionate, when people use their "power" to make other people feel inferior...and on and on. Hell, they thought it was FUNNY that an old lady had a heart attack and died after one of their meetings, and use this story to reinforce their image of themselves as...whatever they think they are.
It's basically a bunch of people on a power trip. And there's nothing anyone can do to stop them.
I told both of them, had I been on site to handle this, it would have happened differently. I basically threw myself under the bus trying to get them to not fine these people and they're doing it anyway. Because no one cares about what I have to say. I'm "too nice."
Anyway I really don't want to start getting negative, but I completely want out of there with every fiber of my being. But, I literally cannot leave- and I don't feel like expending the energy on explaining why- just accept the fact that right now, I have to be there. I have a whole plan to get out by August 2017...but I can't do anything about it until I complete my treatment, which hasn't even started yet. I have my intake today.
It's basically a bunch of people on a power trip. And there's nothing anyone can do to stop them.
I told both of them, had I been on site to handle this, it would have happened differently. I basically threw myself under the bus trying to get them to not fine these people and they're doing it anyway. Because no one cares about what I have to say. I'm "too nice."
Anyway I really don't want to start getting negative, but I completely want out of there with every fiber of my being. But, I literally cannot leave- and I don't feel like expending the energy on explaining why- just accept the fact that right now, I have to be there. I have a whole plan to get out by August 2017...but I can't do anything about it until I complete my treatment, which hasn't even started yet. I have my intake today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: glasgow scotland
Posts: 1,004
Hi Recovery .
Think the Serenity prayer could have the answer .
Accepting the things we cannot change does not mean ''we are pleased about it '' courage to change the things we can , usually its only ourselves we can change .
Wisdom to know the difference , seems you have a plan to move on next year so you might just have to be patient and work towards that .
Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .
words are easy music is a lot harder .
Think the Serenity prayer could have the answer .
Accepting the things we cannot change does not mean ''we are pleased about it '' courage to change the things we can , usually its only ourselves we can change .
Wisdom to know the difference , seems you have a plan to move on next year so you might just have to be patient and work towards that .
Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .
words are easy music is a lot harder .
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Yes "words are easy music is a lot harder". I do not agree that "All you can do is not do it again". You certainly cannot change the damage done in the past, but you CAN do your best to correct that damage. This is what is referred to as amends.
Focus on what you can do. Perhaps there is not much you can do right now. Just do your best. You need to stay sober to do that. Focus on that right now. One minute at a time if need be.
Focus on what you can do. Perhaps there is not much you can do right now. Just do your best. You need to stay sober to do that. Focus on that right now. One minute at a time if need be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Recovery999 that sucks. I know it's the worst when you have to wait for another appointment.
What stands out now is that you said you have a plan to leave your workplace, eventually. I think that's great. It seems now it's a question of just getting yourself to that point.
I do hope that with time, you will come to terms about whatever has happened that resulted in people being fined. You tried, you did your best. You can't do anything else, so now you just have to get through it. If this was a mistake chalked up to drinking make sure to do what you need to in order to stay sober. Many of us have caused harm during our inebriated years. After awhile I hope you can move on. And I have to commend you for taking steps to change things. Was the missed appointment in regard to getting sober?
Maybe give the place a call to see if you can get another appointment sooner than a month, considering the weather is hardly anyone's fault. Just try and see.
I know it can seem like everything is working against you when we try and part with our addictions. I have faith you can do this. Things just take time, just think about the future when you leave that place, and in the meantime do what you need to maintain your health and sanity... maybe face to face support until things start rolling? I know many here swear by it.
We're here.
What stands out now is that you said you have a plan to leave your workplace, eventually. I think that's great. It seems now it's a question of just getting yourself to that point.
I do hope that with time, you will come to terms about whatever has happened that resulted in people being fined. You tried, you did your best. You can't do anything else, so now you just have to get through it. If this was a mistake chalked up to drinking make sure to do what you need to in order to stay sober. Many of us have caused harm during our inebriated years. After awhile I hope you can move on. And I have to commend you for taking steps to change things. Was the missed appointment in regard to getting sober?
Maybe give the place a call to see if you can get another appointment sooner than a month, considering the weather is hardly anyone's fault. Just try and see.
I know it can seem like everything is working against you when we try and part with our addictions. I have faith you can do this. Things just take time, just think about the future when you leave that place, and in the meantime do what you need to maintain your health and sanity... maybe face to face support until things start rolling? I know many here swear by it.
We're here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Recovery999
Thanks everyone.
So do I take it to the assistant regional director, or do I just let it go?
So do I take it to the assistant regional director, or do I just let it go?
Your part (which is what I thought you started this thread about) - which I'm still not clear about to be honest, because then the thread kind of changed focus on to what everyone else has done / is doing.
Or to tell him what the working ethos of others has been where you are working (and that you think it unethical)? - Do you believe that the directors are unaware / innocent? If they're not, this could seriously blow up on you. Sounds like at some point soon you will be leaving and needing a reference. Maybe after you've got that contact them.
The most positive course of action for now, in my opinion, would be for you to focus on finding a different job. (Maybe meanwhile, collecting specific case evidence (names / reference numbers / dates / copies of notes / transcripts of conversations heard) to present to whoever you whistle-blow to - whether that be directors; a government body; or whoever) when the time is right.
Protecting yourself is protecting your sobriety - Take your time and do things in a safe way - one that isn't going to leave you in a hostile working environment (imagine if the director is in cahoots with your boss - how awkward could THAT get) with no hope of a good reference.
I'm not saying keep it quiet. I'm saying calm down and do things the right way round, which might mean biding your time a bit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 204
Like I've said...I can't find another job, but I don't feel like getting into all that right now because no one believes that it's not possible, and I don't feel like trying to convince people who apparently know more about my life than I do.
I would tell the asst regional director that it's basically all my fault, because I wasn't on site to properly tell them what to do. I don't care about the backfighting and such- he already knows about that and there doesn't appear to be much he can do. I just don't want them to be fined when it would have worked out completely differently had I been properly doing my job.
I would tell the asst regional director that it's basically all my fault, because I wasn't on site to properly tell them what to do. I don't care about the backfighting and such- he already knows about that and there doesn't appear to be much he can do. I just don't want them to be fined when it would have worked out completely differently had I been properly doing my job.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Your call Recovery--the two questions I have is 1)will it make your current work
situation even worse and put your sobriety at risk,
and 2)how likely is your "confession" to actually cause the RD to overturn your bosses'
policy?
There could be quite a bit of fallout for you and everyone.
Only you know your particulars, but weigh cost to benefit carefully.
situation even worse and put your sobriety at risk,
and 2)how likely is your "confession" to actually cause the RD to overturn your bosses'
policy?
There could be quite a bit of fallout for you and everyone.
Only you know your particulars, but weigh cost to benefit carefully.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Your guilt over this seems like its overwhelming you, which you know is not good.
I am sure you have done good things in your life, but you focus completely on this bad thing, which i know you think is terrible, but people on this site have done so much worse.
I know its easy for me to say, but its just money -- no-one got hurt, which is what often happens -- how much money are we talking, for how many people?
FORGIVE YOURSELF -- DO GOOD -- GET BETTER -- DO MORE GOOD.
I am sure you have done good things in your life, but you focus completely on this bad thing, which i know you think is terrible, but people on this site have done so much worse.
I know its easy for me to say, but its just money -- no-one got hurt, which is what often happens -- how much money are we talking, for how many people?
FORGIVE YOURSELF -- DO GOOD -- GET BETTER -- DO MORE GOOD.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Recovery stay super focused on your recovery if its affecting your work & innocent ppl are put in harms way because of it it would be only a matter of time until the source of the problem revealed itself
If you hate it so much start looking at new employment & in the meantime keep your head down & stay focused
If you hate it so much start looking at new employment & in the meantime keep your head down & stay focused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 204
For the third, and hopefully final time, I can't get a different job right now.
Believe me, this all makes me physically ill on a regular basis so if there was ANY CHANCE I could leave, I would be all over it.
It's going to take time, for reasons I don't feel like explaining. All I can do is wait.
I've been sick so I haven't even been to Work at all, so I haven't talked to anyone.
I just don't even care what they think of me at this point. The already do not like me and do not respect what I have to say. They know I don't like them- it's no secret. My friend, the one who offered to lend me the money to buy the house- between her and my boss' boss- it's downright hostile. The don't even speak to each other. It's just gotten out of control. It's actually affecting the people we regulate, but since our program manager refuses to see this, there isn't much I can do.
Anyway, I'm in a union and that makes it really hard for them to fire me. So I don't really worry a lot about that.
To me it's about doing the right thing. I don't care if everyone hates me for doing what I feel is right. It certainly won't be the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I've taken them ALL on before, and I lost...but that wasn't the point. They were wrong. Someone else was paying the price. That's BS.
It's no big secret that I AM the problem. Believe me...everyone knows. You can't have the problems I have and be a good employee.
I'm willing to throw myself under the bus in order to try to help someone else. One thing I've never had a problem with is, if I'm wrong, or in the problem, I will own that.
I'm planning on using my friend as a reference if I ever leave this job.
So I don't know, but I honestly feel like I have nothing to lose. I have to live with myself, and it's easier if I know I did everything possible to stop this nonsense
Believe me, this all makes me physically ill on a regular basis so if there was ANY CHANCE I could leave, I would be all over it.
It's going to take time, for reasons I don't feel like explaining. All I can do is wait.
I've been sick so I haven't even been to Work at all, so I haven't talked to anyone.
I just don't even care what they think of me at this point. The already do not like me and do not respect what I have to say. They know I don't like them- it's no secret. My friend, the one who offered to lend me the money to buy the house- between her and my boss' boss- it's downright hostile. The don't even speak to each other. It's just gotten out of control. It's actually affecting the people we regulate, but since our program manager refuses to see this, there isn't much I can do.
Anyway, I'm in a union and that makes it really hard for them to fire me. So I don't really worry a lot about that.
To me it's about doing the right thing. I don't care if everyone hates me for doing what I feel is right. It certainly won't be the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I've taken them ALL on before, and I lost...but that wasn't the point. They were wrong. Someone else was paying the price. That's BS.
It's no big secret that I AM the problem. Believe me...everyone knows. You can't have the problems I have and be a good employee.
I'm willing to throw myself under the bus in order to try to help someone else. One thing I've never had a problem with is, if I'm wrong, or in the problem, I will own that.
I'm planning on using my friend as a reference if I ever leave this job.
So I don't know, but I honestly feel like I have nothing to lose. I have to live with myself, and it's easier if I know I did everything possible to stop this nonsense
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I have a LOT of guilt. How do I accept that my (in)actions harmed others, and move on?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
I just responded in your other thread before I saw this one, my thoughts are the same. Without really knowing what kind of trouble you're talking about, I think you're asking for emotional support rather than brainstorming solutions. Maybe.
You got it! Keep checking in here. Take care of yourself. We (strangers with much experience) might be able to help when you are ready to share the load.
You got it! Keep checking in here. Take care of yourself. We (strangers with much experience) might be able to help when you are ready to share the load.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
