teatreeoil007

You ask a good question in your op... Why do ppl drink .... Why did you drink? You were a heavy drinker for years. I think maybe you are projecting your own experience s with alc onto him... Either you trust him or you don't ...

walkbeformakrun

It sounds to me like your value system is set strongly against drinking. To try to maintain a relationship with someone who drinks will bring you pain. It would be unfair/unrealistic of you to expect him to change. Either you need to change your value system, probably not a good idea, or you need to leave this relationship.

No hard feelings need be conveyed. Its just incompatible. Like if one of you wanted to have children and the other did not.

Dee74

Hi and welcome soberm

I'm an alcoholic but I'm not set against alcohol. I was the problem, not alcohol. Alcohol is just an inert liquid.

I do understand your fears - do you understand they are irrational tho?

D

walkbeformakrun

Quote:

Originally Posted by sober4m

Anyway,

Main reason why I started this topic is to hear some arguments for casual drinking.

Why do people drink? What is so good or fun or enjoyable about it? I cannot wrap my mind around that. It would help to understand.

What does it really matter why other people think causal drinking is fine? You obviously don't think it is and that is a very valid position to take. Is it that you are so attached to the idea of marrying this guy that you feel the need to be talked out of your value system?

Quote:

Only reasons I can come up with is "become numb", "forget worries", "change state of mood", "poison"...all negative things.

Does your boy friend drink for these reasons?

Quote:

Surely there are positive or responsible things to some casual drinking?

Not really. Maybe some neutral things but positive, I doubt it.

Quote:

But just seeing him drink alcohol makes me kind of upset. I don't know what to do.

Why DO people drink? I don't understand. It kills your brain, it kills people, it makes you angry, sad, stupid, uncontrollable, irresponsible...I do not understand why someone wants to drink.

You sound a lot like my wife. Only her thing is healthy eating. I go to a drive thru and she freaks out. "How could you put that crap into your body! Don't you know you are killing yourself!"

She would totally lose respect for me if I did not exercise. I do that naturally and eat healthy by my own choice, mostly. That is part of why we are compatible. If I were a hunky looking junk food eater, that never exercised, we would not be compatible. She would go crazy living with me, watching me defy what she values, no matter if I actually had heath problems as a result or not.

So in my opinion, you are banging your head against a wall trying to justify his drinking. It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. You still believe he is ingesting poison, willingly, and that bothers you, rightfully. No mental gymnastics on your part is ever going to change that.

Dropsie

A doctor once told me that AA is the best form of group therapy around -- and its free... He thought everyone should take advantage regardless of whether they drank or not. Interesting perspective.

But of course, implied in this is that the group is a good group with a good leader, which is key to any form of therapy.

I used to think that I was normal until I looked under the hood -- I think that may be the only positive thing to having an alcohol problem is that it forced me to look under the hood, and I am so much better for it.

walkbeformakrun

Drops - are you religious? I've got a problem with AA and the higher power thing.

Dropsie

Walks,

I am not religious and do not attend AA, just reporting what this doctor told me.

I also think if you look underneath it all, AA is not as religious as people make it out to be.

People who practice AA may be another story, but the underlying principles of AA are more about self discovery than about a higher power.

I do acknowledge that they refer to a higher power as being necessary, but I am willing to see that step as means of saying that we need to stop seeking to control that which we cannot.

And the original AA folks took higher power very broadly, although the current folks often do not.

I also do believe that after I drink I have no power over it, which is different from being powerless to cut it out completely.

But I take all the help I can get, whether from the Universe or from anyone else.

If I look at the 12 steps with an open mind, although I have never done them myself, I think they can be helpful to people in becoming better people, whether they have an alcohol issue or not.

A bit like a Course in Miracles, even if you don't believe the underlying theory, I have never met anyone that did not get something out of doing the exercises. Again, not having done them myself.

Net net, if you look underneath it all, 12 steps, serenity prayer, buddhism, Course in Miracles, all have common underlying themes that I agree with for me. Forget should and would, keep it as is; acceptance; learn how to give up control over things that are outside of your control; take a hard look at yourself, take responsibility, and then forgive yourself; understand that what you do has a direct and indirect impact on others; and at the end remember love is all there really is, everything else is fear. Including booze -- its just fear in a bottle.

OK enough of that...

Fly N Buy

Normal people - like my wife (in terms of drinking )simply like the euphoric effect that alcohol produces.

While a normal person may on occasion drink too much, this is atypical. When the sense of losing control, dizziness or maybe a little nausea strikes they stop drinking.

I attend AA but no one speaks for AA - each group is autonomous to itself unless it effects AA as a whole. Therefore, what responses you get to your question(s) will be as different as the people who answer them.

For me your question about being around those who drink I'd say that acceptance is a huge key in my sobriety. But that doesn't necessarily mean I would choose to be around someone who is drinking.........It depends. All in all I limit my exposure where drinking is pervasive.

thanks for the thread - Well done on two years, awesome of you to make such positive changes in your life!

We'd love to have ya in the rooms........come on in!

Berrybean

I think there are a few different meeting options that might help. And you would not have to talk at ANY of the meetings if you didn't want to. We learn most by listening, not talking anyway. (If I have a personal issue I usually have a quiet chat with my sponsor or one of my closer AA friends rather than bring it up in the main meeting. But that's just me.)

1) If you have stopped drinking yourself because you had problems with it yourself, then AA can help you manage the feelings and situations (for example: being around others who are drinking) that many of us recovering alcoholics struggle with in sobriety. It sounds like those feelings are threatening your happiness with a partner (who sounds pretty nice to be honest) and fear of what might happen is taking over. Even once the obsession to drink has left us, then we still benefit from the 12-step work (if you look at the steps, only step 1 even mentions alcohol - the rest is all about changing our perspective, and managing negative emotions and painful thought processes.) To be honest, most of my more useful work was done after I'd been sober for 8 months and the obsession had left me.

2) Al Anon meetings can help you manage your feelings around dealing with a partners alcoholic drinking, but it doesn't sound like he is drinking alcoholically.

3) CoDa can help with Codependency issues more generally - I have found their literature and meetings really helpful for understanding how some of my experiences in the the first 15 years of my life may have impacted on my thinking and some of the faulty strategies that I have used to deal with life problems. This understanding really complemented the step-work I was doing in AA.

I know some people who go to all three of these, and some who got to two different types of meeting, and others who just go to one.

I hope you find some relief. You might find 'Living Sober' a useful little book to read. You can order it from Amazon - I got it for my Kindle, cheap as chips. It's got lots of advice for dealing with 'life' once we've stopped drinking. I often wonder how they fitted so much wisdom into so few pages.

Ken33xx

It helps them unwind and to socialize. One of the first thing I noticed after getting sober was the number of people who don`t abuse alcohol. They have several drinks over the course of an evening and that`s about it.

On the other hand an alcoholic like myself had to get their drink on and get it on right.

sober4m

Eh, I think that's a bit drastic. I'm sure we can work things out if there are people here who are dealing with the same just fine. It's not like I'm a vegetarian with a butcher boyfriend. If he wanted to drink every week then yeah I would suggest we are not going to work out. But once every 2 months should be fine. I think your view of the situation is slightly reversed. He's almost never drank since we've been together, and he knew going into the relationship that I'm anti-alcohol, and we are fine just like that. But I wanted to read here about advice on how to relax myself more so he can go drink a few times without me freaking out. If I vito'd alcohol he would be fine with that, but I want to make him happy by being OK with it more, especially if you consider spending your life together.

Not to mention that alcohol is everywhere. Friends. Family. Public places. It doesn't help anyone to focus on the hatred for it. Actually, I think my focus on it is partially thanks to my "supportive family" who reminds me daily not to drink (I've got it, thanks), but I digress.

Just like smoking. I used to smoke. I haven't for a year. I hate smoking, but I don't focus on it. Someone wants to smoke? Cool, go ahead, just don't get it on my clothes.

sober4m

double post =P

Dropsie

Does once every two months even count.....

Just kidding, but I do think that if this very small amount of drinking comes on your radar, you might want to talk to someone as has been suggested.

Don't know him of course, but he sounds like a great guy.

sober4m

Reading back the first post, I realize it was misleading (my mistake, I would've edited but it gets blocked). He wasn't drinking when I met him and I made him stop or anything like that. And I don't even know if it will actually bother me if he drinks every 2 months (like you said jokingly, it's rarely). That one time he got drunk actually it did not bother me much. Of course I thought it was stupid, but whatever. That could indicate that my problem is mainly fear of what could happen and not with the act itself, hence why I posted here to read other people's (hopefully positive) experience.

Anyway. there you go.

Thanks for all the advice, guys

I think talking to someone could be good, but at the same time I feel it would solidify this as a "REAL ISSUE" instead of being able to think about it light-heartedly, you know? We create problems in our own head when they don't exist. Maybe by not acknowledging them, it would be cured.

Maybe a good solution would be finding a fun activity to do while he's out with his friends so I don't sit at home stressing & freaking out.
Like going to the gym, or hanging out with friends, etc.

What do you guys like to do if you need to keep your head busy with something fun? :P

Berrybean

I love reading, so am always happy for some quality time with a new book - I also go to author events, as I'm lucky to have a bookshop nearby that organises really good events at least a few times a month. (Off to see Ruby Wax talk about her new book, Mindfulness for the Frazzled tommorow night - feel like I've been in training for it this week!!) I've also got involved with reading / book groups locally (started a book group where I used to live as well).

I've signed up for a creative writing coursewhich will be alternate Saturdays for a couple of months, and am presuming there'll be homework.

Meet up with friends or my lovely mum.

Go for a wander round the shops - I prefer to do that alone

I got the sewing machine out and made some bits when I had a LOT of time on my hands (I'm a very slow seamstress).

Joined a beginners running club (again, that was a short term one - am hoping they'll repeat it and I'll do it again - I didn't get good enough to move up to the main club, not that I've fussed about that particularly.)

Am going to be joining a choir that will be starting up soon.

Tried bell ringing, but found the close proximity of my teacher up a draughty tower in the middle of nowhere a little disconcerting - and besides, I was proper rubbish at that!! Lol)

Have also got AA meetings that I go to, and have a couple of volunteer duties at the local church (making teas one week, and helping with creche the other).

I remember feeling at first there wasn't anything to do, then suddenly realised there wasn't enough time to fit everything in. There's always lots to do - I swear that I could easily fill my day if I didn't work.

v0da12

I think a huge part of recovery is actually understanding that most people are not alcoholics and can control their drinking pretty well, so you gotta get used to people drinking socially without being tempted to do so yourself. If you can't you gotta cut all contact with drinkers but the way society is i doubt many people don't go out and drink on weekends so you just got to accept that other people can drink and you can't.