Acheleus

I am seven months sober after having nine months sober and drinking one night. When I entered AA I began a relationship with someone who had been sober for a year and a half. The situation became more and more abusive. I did not see the gradual descent into emotional dependence on her. She cheated after she began drinking. I have tried to maintain no contact and I hope to acquire a year of sobriety to build a strong foundation. She recently left me alone because she wanted to look through my phone records to see if I had sent a text to a female friend of mine who tried to help me get out of this situation.

So she drank around me. She cheated on me. She lied to me about cheating. All I want is my true self back but I feel like this person stole my spirit.

Does anyone have any advice about healing from relationships with abusers and alcoholics? I think she may have bpd/npd.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Acheleus! Great to hear that you have seven months sober under your belt too, that's fantastic!

Have you considered Al-anon for the issues with your EX?

ALinNS

Yes unfortunately, I did manage to stay sober through it all, even took her to a 28 day program and her adult children thanked me as her late husband had tried for years, two weeks out and she was back at it and during this time her neighbor tells me she was sleeping with other men when I was not there, I asked her about it and at least she was honest and said yes, when I drink too much that is what I always do, needless to say I was hurt and floored, I walked.

On the bright side I found a lady early last summer, never had a relationship this good, so there is a silver lining I guess, sometimes we have to go through a lot to see it but hang in there, the right one will come along at the right time.

Acheleus

A friend's sponsor told me I was a double winner and that I should attend al-anon. The relationship changed my perspective on alcoholism. It was horrifying to see someone transform utterly due to using a substance. She was doing drugs as well. What I want to do is move back to where I was and pursue my true love: music. I play guitar,piano, drums, and I sing. I read all my old posts and I cannot believe how isolated and sad I was-- I was immature and childish. So I feel like I was ripe for the picking. She approached me agressively the first time I met her. I can look back and see I was ripe for the picking (or the slaughter). I have tried to maintain no contact but I always end up talking to her. She showed up drunk one night. She drove a long way and could have died. What I want is sobriety and I want to be who I really am without being scared of what other people think of me. At this point I feel free and like I have nothing to lose. It has been the most stressful relationship of my life and I have been weak. A doormat am I not.

Berrybean

I'd also suggest giving Al-Anon a try. Or CoDa if there are meetings where you live. I found the CoDa hand book (and the couple of meetings I managed to make it to) really helpful - you can buy it online. It really helped me see why I not only tolerated certain behaviour towards me, but also at times seemed to almost pursue it / expect it.

You can get over the pain of this.

It might also be worth bringing this up in the Friends and Family section, as people who hang out there have a lot of experience to share and advice and suggestions that might help.

Wishing you happiness in 2016 x

Acheleus

Do we tolerate the abuse because we are reenacting a dysfunctional relationship we had with our parent? I know I felt comfortable in the relationship because she reminded me of the way I felt when I was taking care of my mother. Alcohol did not help--my mom was a drunk.

Dee74

I don't think you need to be an alcoholic to tolerate abuse.
I just had very low esteem and wanted desperately to be loved.

But when you throw alcoholism on top of that with one or both partners, it's really rough.

I'm sorry for your pain Ach but I think you did the right thing safeguarding your recovery.

D

Acheleus

I made a great friend who is older than me and she told me that you have to deal with life. Things happen. People can pray on weaknesses. I know I wanted to be loved. I remember being so desperate for a friend and I know I needed to work on myself and mature. She must have seen that I was vulnerable as I was a month or so sober. It all feels like some nightmare/dream but I really got a crash course in controlling/ abusive partners. She did slap me once and grabbed me to get my phone out of my back pocket. I was pathetic.