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Sick and Scared!

Old 01-06-2016, 06:31 PM
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Sick and Scared!

I'm sick with fear!! My AV was at me so hard today...and She seemed to just show up out of the blue...I've been working so hard on being aware of Her, triggers and cravings and STILL I had all the same old stupid thoughts about how I just need to try harder to be a better drinker....AHHHHH!!!!! I was able to not pick up but once She tired and left me alone I was utterly exhausted and totally deflated of hope....how on earth am I gonna make it!!!! This is how it always goes...although these 3 weeks have been 3 weeks longer than I've managed to stay sober in the last 10 years...but I feel it...in the bottom of my stomach...I'm not throwing in the towel or feeling sorry for myself...I'm just exhausted and so scared....I DON'T WANNA GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-06-2016, 06:43 PM
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Hi rahrah, I'm early in also (5 weeks this Saturday) so not much advice but just wanted to say that I know what you're feeling.
The AV does seem to come out of the blue, and the power it has is scary.
It happens so fast too, that decision to say the heck with it, and drink. But you know where that leads, the regrets and self loathing the next day can be unbearable, not to mention the hangover. I try to play the tape forward.. the good feelings we get from those first few drinks is So brief, it's just not worth it.

I have an occasion coming up in 3 weeks and I'm scared to death. I've never done it without drinking afterwards.

Stay strong, stay close here, and know you're not alone!
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Old 01-06-2016, 06:55 PM
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That voice has no power unless you give it. Talk back to it and tell it to f off. It's just thoughts and doesn't have to become an action. You are stronger than that. Congrats on three weeks!
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Old 01-06-2016, 09:16 PM
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You must be proud. Congrats on making it through the day.
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Old 01-06-2016, 09:22 PM
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You did good and it will get easier. Have you read CarolID's post on cravings?
Dee reposted it there
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
and this is Dee's post on urge surfing
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
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Old 01-06-2016, 10:20 PM
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Keep feeding the right wolf and the other one will grow weaker & weaker Rahrah
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Old 01-07-2016, 06:54 AM
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I thought this was supposed to get EASIER!!!!!!! I'm doing everything I'm supposed to and still I feel like I'm sinking!!!

Dee..I have always loved that adage about the 2 dogs (or wolves)...trouble is my AV is so friggin sneaky..sometimes I can't tell which wolf is which!!!!!

I dreamed all night about drinking..woke up a thousand times in tears...feel like I have a hangover today (yes it's only an emotional hangover...but my body feels just as crappy).

I feel like I'm going down and I'm barely hanging on....She ALWAYS highjacks Me...and I feel like I'm simply losing the strength to talk myself outta her bondage again!

I'm mad and sad and scared and sick of this!!!
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Old 01-07-2016, 08:09 AM
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rahrah
I have a pet theory that the stronger the AV feels , the closer it is to seeing how much the 'jig is up'.
Holding to the resolve that drinking is not an option , no mater what, is what will choke it out. Ideas that float around , ideas like IT can have the upper hand and somehow You will be defeated are what It is latching onto. Pull the rug out from under that reasoning, no matter what means any tantrum It throws will be met with the same one word response "NO" , It probably senses how close you are to cementing the deal. Keep your heels dug in , once It gets that no matter what actually means no matter what , it will lose Its ferver, choke it out.
It is proposing the idea that You are not in charge, the idea that It has any leverage against your choice, It doesn't . Don't give any power to that lying faulty reasoning, You are in charge. It can be annoying as hell , but starving it out will make it smaller and slink away. You got this
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Old 01-07-2016, 08:20 AM
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Thanks DW...I'm hanging on by my fingertips...It just feels like Im going crazy..and I feel physically sick....thanks for the much needed support!
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Old 01-07-2016, 08:33 AM
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Just keep saying, "I don't drink."

Make a little note that you carry with you all the time, in your phone or wallet giving you things to do to distract your thoughts away from that voice.

The obsession and the thoughts of drinking are going to come. You can't stop them. You can recognize them as thoughts you aren't going to follow through on. Like "Nonsensical" says, "I have thoughts of throwing a stapler at my boss's head and I don't do it. I have thoughts of sleeping with the wife of my friend and I don't do it. I have thoughts of ramming that guy's car and I don't do it."

I would add that I have all kinds of negative thoughts that come up on occasion. I have to distract or pray or take a walk or look at something beautiful or do some jumping jacks or ...whatever.

The more you refuse to give in the easier it gets. It took me about six months until I felt comfortable with being able to let go of that thought. Hang on.
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Old 01-07-2016, 10:12 AM
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Your right where I was at three weeks. This is tantrum-time for the AV. Just like with a bratty child these tantrums are strengthened by one thing: giving in. It's loud and scary, but NOT in control.

You are doing great! Keep hanging in there and watch it starve!
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Old 01-07-2016, 12:32 PM
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Don't give in, it really does get better you just need to hold on and push through it.
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Old 01-07-2016, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by leviathan View Post
This is tantrum-time for the AV. Just like with a bratty child these tantrums are strengthened by one thing: giving in.
This is a great analogy Lev! And probably why I feel so exhausted...it's draining. I just wish I didn't feel so physically ill from the mental and emotional exhaustion...but I made it through the worst of it today...now I have to take my kids to hockey practice and try to pass as a normal person for a bit longer.....this is EXCRUTIATING!!!
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