rahrah

I was caught off guard tonight by a crazy craving...I was having a sip of soda water but instead all I could taste was vodka....I felt like I could actually taste the vodka...and then it started...maybe...what if...just one...

I wasn't prepared for an actual craving....my AV has been quiet all day and I was in a good place....it just came out of no where.

But I didn't do it. And it got me to thinking about why I wasn't going to do it. Not just because I didn't want the booze in my system...but because I cannot handle living in the drink. When I'm drinking...it's all I think about day and night....

I think about:
-Having a drink
-Not having a drink
-Wanting another drink
-Am I gonna drink tonight or can I stay sober
-Should I stop and grab a few bottles
-Please don't start so early...it's too early to start
-I should stop before the kids get home
-Will the hubby notice I've had more than I said I did
-Should I have another one
-I shouldn't have another one
-Have I stashed my back up bottles good enough
-Have I left any half empty mugs of wine around
-How am I going to get rid of all these empties without anyone noticing
-Mad that I drank
-Mad that I drank too much
-Hating the hangover
-Swearing off the drink
-Wanting another drink

My brain is CONSTANTLY in the drink when I'm not practicing sobriety....it's maddening....I can't put myself back in that spot...not to mention my loathing of the next inevitable day one....I HATE DAY ONE!

ALinNS

Glad to hear and very encouraging!!! You are doing great, being mindful and playing the tape through.

sleepie

Glad you posted here rahrah I think you did the right thing- glad you stayed away from the drink! Anyway we've both had our fill right? There must be something out else out there... Did you have something else instead? My go to is a giant decaf, I am making some now and for an extra treat topped w just a tiny bit of whipped cream.

Dharma33

I think you summed the obsession up quite nicely, rahrah!

We've had enough of that crazy cycle...good work pushing through.

rahrah

Thanks guys! What did I do to fill the craving? I got up and made a batch of energy bars....and because I love to overdue things....I made a double batch....so I just ended up being all hopped up on protein for the afternoon!!!! But hey...at least the only thing that suffered was my guitar...my enthusiasm busted a string!

sleepie

Have some tea with Marc...

rahrah

Ah...I do love me some tea....AND some Marc Bolan!!!

sleepie

You're doing great rahrah

Tick

You summed up my binge weekend perfectly. Plus trying to remember where I stashed all the empties. Hoping they wouldn't fall out of a cupboard or be found. Much more peaceful.

rahrah

And lets not forget all the time spent obsessing over bad behaviour...contemplating plans and stories of excuses...having to check all social media/texts/emails to see what we posted...checking accounts to see what we spent..SO MUCH CHAOS!

Soberwolf

Good job RahRah

rahrah

Knowing all this and still my AV was in full swing today..so scarey! Makes me sick! Like last nights craving, my AV just showed up and hit me over the head...no little warning signs...like she just jumped out from behind a tree and yelled 'Gotcha!'. Spewing all her garbage at me in the blink of an eye! "Just control it Rah...Just try harder Rah...on and on it went.... Thank Goodness I was able to find my feet...identify Her and put her back in her cage...I am SO GRATEFUL to AVRT for my awareness of my AV...to help me seperate her from ME...today was the first time in 3 weeks I felt Her strong-arming me...and it made my knees weak...I was so scared. But again...so thankful to AVRT for helping me identify that voice as the voice of my (still thriving) addiction.