It quit me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
It quit me
Hi guys.
Been thinking lately.
I am at a point where I have pretty bad kindling. When I quit I was/am physically addicted to alcohol and benzos.
Now at that point I had to quit, I had no choice.
And so I do not feel I earned sobriety. It was an "I quit, or it quits me" scenario.
I suppose I am questioning what I actually accomplished here.
I got lots of support and kind words here.
But I don't think I earned any of it.
Been thinking lately.
I am at a point where I have pretty bad kindling. When I quit I was/am physically addicted to alcohol and benzos.
Now at that point I had to quit, I had no choice.
And so I do not feel I earned sobriety. It was an "I quit, or it quits me" scenario.
I suppose I am questioning what I actually accomplished here.
I got lots of support and kind words here.
But I don't think I earned any of it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I quit in the same way sleepie. Kill (the addiction or be killed)
I don't think that makes us lesser than anyone else here, and it certainly doesn't diminish what you or I have achieved since
D
I don't think that makes us lesser than anyone else here, and it certainly doesn't diminish what you or I have achieved since
D
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
Sleepie, 
I understand what you're saying, but..
There are so many reasons why people quit, and I honestly feel that every single one of them is as valid as the next. In fact, most of us had no "choice" and quit under the gun, so to speak.
Please don't take this achievement from yourself-it is yours and you deserve it.
Delfin
I really hope this post made sense. I'm pretty exhausted right now.
I understand what you're saying, but..
There are so many reasons why people quit, and I honestly feel that every single one of them is as valid as the next. In fact, most of us had no "choice" and quit under the gun, so to speak.
Please don't take this achievement from yourself-it is yours and you deserve it.
Delfin
I really hope this post made sense. I'm pretty exhausted right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Maybe.
Some people here have posts that go something like... "Day one: I quit"
Then a sequence of posts about continued abstinence and then a year and beyond of sobriety. Like a squeaky clean trail of perfect sobriety form day one.
Mine has just been so unlike that. I was feeling bad to day because I started trying to quit 2 years ago. Two whole years. And only now am I making any headway. Granted I had at least one huge curve ball early in my 1st serious attempt in 2014. But I still feel down about it.
Some people here have posts that go something like... "Day one: I quit"
Then a sequence of posts about continued abstinence and then a year and beyond of sobriety. Like a squeaky clean trail of perfect sobriety form day one.
Mine has just been so unlike that. I was feeling bad to day because I started trying to quit 2 years ago. Two whole years. And only now am I making any headway. Granted I had at least one huge curve ball early in my 1st serious attempt in 2014. But I still feel down about it.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 740
Yeah, some folks get it right away,but I think a lot of us stumble around quite a bit before things click. I was on SR 2 1/2 years ago and went back out for two years because I wanted to **** up my life (and my liver!) a bit more than I already had. Then we come on here and stumble around a bit more, asking the same questions the poor mods have already heard a million times. God bless them. 
Then we question everything as much as possible. But honestly, as I tell my coworkers on bad days: It doesn't have to be pretty-it just has to get done somehow. That is, drop your standards, people! LOL!
I think the double-whammy with the benzos made your journey different from many of us, so you have to take that into consideration too.
I never heard about the curve ball during your first attempt, Sleepie. I think that's when I was still out there...
D.
Then we question everything as much as possible. But honestly, as I tell my coworkers on bad days: It doesn't have to be pretty-it just has to get done somehow. That is, drop your standards, people! LOL!I think the double-whammy with the benzos made your journey different from many of us, so you have to take that into consideration too.
I never heard about the curve ball during your first attempt, Sleepie. I think that's when I was still out there...
D.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
I hear what you're saying too, Sleeps, but plenty of people do keep drinking and/or drugging to the point of death, or at least continue further down the rabbit hole than we did. It still took courage and strength on your part to pull yourself out of that quagmire. Remember the withdrawals? They sounded Godawful. I've heard benzo withdrawal is particularly bad, and you did it despite the fact you have ongoing problems with anxiety. It would have been much easier and less admirable to cave in and take benzos, but you quit. *You* quit. You did, Sleeps. You did :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Maybe. I could have kept going with the benzos, that's true. I was stopping out of fear for my health. And that I finally met someone that I wanted a chance at a future with.
It was a long process. It wasn't an "I feel so great" after 3 days of abstinence. I don't know how long before I will feel normal or anything. I was always anxious and had tics and other problems before and now it's all pretty bad again. I really can't say I enjoy life. Actually I am less functional now than before. My bf was saying the other day he couldn't believe how I would drink and then get up to go to work early in the morning. Well with benzos that's how. But now that I'm off everything I feel like an eggshell. I don't know. I guess I feel like quitting is a pretty personal endeavor but somehow I feel like I did it wrong.
It was a long process. It wasn't an "I feel so great" after 3 days of abstinence. I don't know how long before I will feel normal or anything. I was always anxious and had tics and other problems before and now it's all pretty bad again. I really can't say I enjoy life. Actually I am less functional now than before. My bf was saying the other day he couldn't believe how I would drink and then get up to go to work early in the morning. Well with benzos that's how. But now that I'm off everything I feel like an eggshell. I don't know. I guess I feel like quitting is a pretty personal endeavor but somehow I feel like I did it wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Europe
Posts: 291
I think I know where you are coming from. For what it's worth, it took me about a year before I could start to feel somewhat good about it - and yes, for me too it was like I had no choice. The benzos worked "miracles" until they didn't anymore.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Originally Posted by sleepie 
Maybe.
Some people here have posts that go something like... "Day one: I quit"
Then a sequence of posts about continued abstinence and then a year and beyond of sobriety. Like a squeaky clean trail of perfect sobriety form day one.
Mine has just been so unlike that. I was feeling bad to day because I started trying to quit 2 years ago. Two whole years. And only now am I making any headway. Granted I had at least one huge curve ball early in my 1st serious attempt in 2014. But I still feel down about it.
Some people here have posts that go something like... "Day one: I quit"
Then a sequence of posts about continued abstinence and then a year and beyond of sobriety. Like a squeaky clean trail of perfect sobriety form day one.
Mine has just been so unlike that. I was feeling bad to day because I started trying to quit 2 years ago. Two whole years. And only now am I making any headway. Granted I had at least one huge curve ball early in my 1st serious attempt in 2014. But I still feel down about it.
I doubt there's anyone here who sailed into recovery effortlessly and never look backed, or never stumbled.
There's that old AA saying about never comparing our insides with other's outsides. I think it's relevant here.
You've come an amazing long way sleepie and no one else's story can diminish that
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Well I've relapsed plenty sleepie as you know.
To tell the truth, if I could physically / mentally have kept using
without severe consequences I would most likely have kept going too. . .
I was having such bad consequences I had to stop or be destroyed.
My sobriety may have been "caused" by fear of negative consequences,
but I'm making the choice to maintain it after my last relapse.
Honestly, I don't feel bad or good about that.
I'm allergic to booze from abuse, or genetics, or life circumstances sucking, or whatever.
It's just a fact the way some people can't eat seafood without a reaction.
I don't have to have a moral judgement about whether I "earned" my sobriety
to stay sober.
I just have to stay sober because that's the only chance I have to live a life,
however it turns out to be.
To tell the truth, if I could physically / mentally have kept using
without severe consequences I would most likely have kept going too. . .
I was having such bad consequences I had to stop or be destroyed.
My sobriety may have been "caused" by fear of negative consequences,
but I'm making the choice to maintain it after my last relapse.
Honestly, I don't feel bad or good about that.
I'm allergic to booze from abuse, or genetics, or life circumstances sucking, or whatever.
It's just a fact the way some people can't eat seafood without a reaction.
I don't have to have a moral judgement about whether I "earned" my sobriety
to stay sober.
I just have to stay sober because that's the only chance I have to live a life,
however it turns out to be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
First off Congratulations, for some it is easier than others as non of us are exactly the same when it comes to brain chemistry, stopping booze and benzo's is a very big accomplishment. I recall back in 1998 I quit both for the first time it was work but at the time I recall thinking it wasn't that bad, not totally sure how long I stayed sober but I doubt it was more than 30 days, since then I have been in and out of hospital ER's and Detox centres more times than I can count, lost three six figure income jobs and family since that time and finally in November of last year it took everything from me except my life and I mean everything.
In my case I have discovered this sickness (AV) is not a respecter of person or position as I have always had highly successful jobs, all it cares about is taking everything it can including my life.
I put a plan back in place that kept me sober for two years, added a few things to it, use these forums, online resources, face to face meetings, whatever in takes in short. I know for me if I do not follow a plan to stay sober and do not get overconfident which many of us face at some point in our recovery I will loose.
For me I love life and I want to earn the people back into my life that I love, I have to work and show them that Andrew finally got it, its a lot of work however as I reflect on my sober times, life was so much better one can't even compare.
Good luck, remember that AV stays inside us, our goal is to take it's power away.
In my case I have discovered this sickness (AV) is not a respecter of person or position as I have always had highly successful jobs, all it cares about is taking everything it can including my life.
I put a plan back in place that kept me sober for two years, added a few things to it, use these forums, online resources, face to face meetings, whatever in takes in short. I know for me if I do not follow a plan to stay sober and do not get overconfident which many of us face at some point in our recovery I will loose.
For me I love life and I want to earn the people back into my life that I love, I have to work and show them that Andrew finally got it, its a lot of work however as I reflect on my sober times, life was so much better one can't even compare.
Good luck, remember that AV stays inside us, our goal is to take it's power away.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by sleepie
Maybe. I could have kept going with the benzos, that's true. I was stopping out of fear for my health. And that I finally met someone that I wanted a chance at a future with.
It was a long process. It wasn't an "I feel so great" after 3 days of abstinence. I don't know how long before I will feel normal or anything. I was always anxious and had tics and other problems before and now it's all pretty bad again. I really can't say I enjoy life. Actually I am less functional now than before. My bf was saying the other day he couldn't believe how I would drink and then get up to go to work early in the morning. Well with benzos that's how. But now that I'm off everything I feel like an eggshell. I don't know. I guess I feel like quitting is a pretty personal endeavor but somehow I feel like I did it wrong.
It was a long process. It wasn't an "I feel so great" after 3 days of abstinence. I don't know how long before I will feel normal or anything. I was always anxious and had tics and other problems before and now it's all pretty bad again. I really can't say I enjoy life. Actually I am less functional now than before. My bf was saying the other day he couldn't believe how I would drink and then get up to go to work early in the morning. Well with benzos that's how. But now that I'm off everything I feel like an eggshell. I don't know. I guess I feel like quitting is a pretty personal endeavor but somehow I feel like I did it wrong.
You did this, sleepie, you were the one who made the right choice for yourself and you are the one who has done the work to keep keeping on.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
How you quit or why you quit is not really important Sleepie. What is important is that you did quit and that it was the right decision to make. It's also not important to compare yourself to others.
What is important is protecting your decision and working on the other issues that you have in your life. Every single one of us had/has underlying issues that we attempted to hide from in a bottle or a pill, and we are all working hard to now face those issues. You mention feeling fragile like an eggshell...that's pretty common. It's your body actually feeling the emotions and sensations that go along with facing life on it's own terms.
What is important is protecting your decision and working on the other issues that you have in your life. Every single one of us had/has underlying issues that we attempted to hide from in a bottle or a pill, and we are all working hard to now face those issues. You mention feeling fragile like an eggshell...that's pretty common. It's your body actually feeling the emotions and sensations that go along with facing life on it's own terms.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Some people here have posts that go something like... "Day one: I quit"
Then a sequence of posts about continued abstinence and then a year and beyond of sobriety. Like a squeaky clean trail of perfect sobriety form day one.
Mine has just been so unlike that.
yes, mine was so unlike that, too.
it's no use and no good comparing, sleepie. serves no purpose. other than to make you feel bad about yourself. why do that? genuine question.
i tried for about twenty years or more to quit and stay quit, but i didn't do it in public on a forum. so you never saw the failures.
Then a sequence of posts about continued abstinence and then a year and beyond of sobriety. Like a squeaky clean trail of perfect sobriety form day one.
Mine has just been so unlike that.
yes, mine was so unlike that, too.
it's no use and no good comparing, sleepie. serves no purpose. other than to make you feel bad about yourself. why do that? genuine question.
i tried for about twenty years or more to quit and stay quit, but i didn't do it in public on a forum. so you never saw the failures.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by sleepie
Now at that point I had to quit, I had no choice.
I really have no idea what you mean by earned sobriety. I see a Sleepie that has been working her butt of trying to break free. I see Sleepie building a network of support and using it and also giving back. I see Sleepie developing her compassion to genuinely help someone suffering and I hope you can use that on yourself. I see someone who is brutally honest with themselves. I see Sleepie building real connections with others and displaying some of the best of what it means to be human. All that and you have a great sense of humor. Which comes in handy because this sobering up business is traumatic.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
