Forwards

Well friends, I failed Christmas...

During advent I had been drinking around 30 units per day and barely eating. I was in a bad way. I hoped that Christmas with my family would be the ideal time to cut down. I would be surrounded by support, the stores would be closed and without a car I would be unable to source alcohol and could only drink in moderation with the others.

How wrong I was. Other family members ordered in cases of wine, expensive and carefully chosen unlike the cheap rubbish I normally drink. On Christmas Eve used to my liquid diet, I was so sick that I could not eat. That night I went into withdrawals and lay awake, unable to sleep, sweating and shaking. Christmas Day was a little better but I started secretly stealing Sherry and Gin (good stuff) from the bottles they had opened to share with the family. Again, unused to having so little alcohol I was violently sick all day.

On Boxing Day morning we went for a walk on the coast. It should have been a beautiful day but all I could think of was alcohol. I can only describe it as a complete overwhelming obsession. That evening, drinks were served and the family discovered that half of the Sherry had been stolen - there was barely enough to go round. I felt so ashamed... they must have known it was me but were too polite to say.

On returning home the first thing I did was to buy alcohol and drink myself to sleep. I'm at a loss to know what to do next. We are now in the New Year and I am drinking as heavily as ever. How can I rid myself of the mental obsession? There is no point in trying to detox if the obsession with alcohol just grows stronger and stronger every time I try. What next? I am ready to quit.

Sudz No More

It sounds like you will need medical help detoxing for starters, bad withdrawal can be life threatening. Once you get past the detox you should focus on having some kind of professional support to visit with at least once a week. I went to a psychologist every week for one year and it really helped me to keep myself honest by feeling responsible to no drinking while I was being helped. I thought I would feel terrible to have to tell him that I drank on his watch. It helped me break the mental cycle. It takes about 90 days to start to feel a bit stronger mentally and it takes most of us 6 months to feel strong enough to not feel threatened by the thoughts of drinking. Get some support and just hang in there, in a year you will be surprised how dim the mental obsession becomes. By that point you really should have entered into a manageable spot and will just need to remain vigilant. It really does go away you just need to put in the time. You'll see, give it a shot.

trachemys

Honestly? You need to turn yourself in to a rehab center. One that won't let you out for a while.

AZSoberPrincess

It really does sound like you will need to detox in a medical setting. As others have said, when we reach the point that we are unable to function physically with a drink, detoxing on your own could be dangerous. I was lucky enough to detox while in the hospital in 2013 and unlucky enough to have already damaged my liver so badly that I now have End Stage Liver Disease (stage 4 cirrhosis, varicose veins that has bled out and barely functioning galbladder). At that point, drinking quickly was taken "off the table" so to speak. Knowing that if I did only have 1 drink, I literally could die.
And yet, when I had tried to quit drinking by myself I knew that the end of every good drinking career death is a possible outcome...but not right away.
For me, the physical withdrawls made the mental obsession stronger. Like my body and my brain where working together to keep functioning.
It is hard. It does suck. But you CAN do it. I started by telling everyone that I knew that I could no longer drink (in case the obsession came back). Even at the liquor store, I asked them not to let me buy alcohol. (small town)
Have you told your family? It's always we worse when they find out too late.
You have the desire, I believe you have the will. Please sick around.

Forwards

One good thing about Christmas is that I have proven I can survive on 10-15 units of alcohol per day without too much harm. Also I have been able to eat solid food coming out of it. Some sort of taper off to zero should therefore be possible.

There is a local alcohol counselling service available that I have not yet tried. It must be worth a shot. I have tried short-term inpatient detox in the past and it didn't help much. It's the absolute obsession that gets me every time.

Please don't get me wrong. I am very grateful to have been surrounded by family and friends at Christmas. Others have it much worse than me...

least

It's hard at first, but you can get sober if you want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Soberwolf

Can you get to a meeting tomorrow there is choice

Dee74

I think you need rehab Forwards.

D

JeffreyAK

Obsessing over alcohol, craving it strongly, is normal early on when we've been drinking as much as it sounds like you have been. What got me through acute withdrawal more than anything was just being completely unable to get alcohol, resigned to go through a horrible shaking/sweating/vomiting/sleepless detox at home with no medical help because I had no alternative. Meds can help smooth the detox phase, but you'll still crave if that's all you do. Do you have support group meetings, of any flavor, nearby? I bet there are at least AA meetings, perhaps others.

waynetheking

Forward have you tried praying? ...can't hurt anything in my opinion.

Steely

Obsessive thoughts do diminish and hopefully extinguish (me only 13 days sober) as we keep clocking up more time sober. Thoughts not so compelling as when drinking and detoxing. I'd go to the doctor because you may need a medical detox. Did you say you can tolerate 10-15 units without harm. Are you kidding? lol. You may not fall through a plate glass window but I'd be wondering about my liver and brain. LOL