kevf11

Im just curious to see if anyone was/is simmiler to me and some feedback and advice on what you guys think about this? do i show a similar mentality to a alcoholic?

My mentality is simple. Im on a Mission, a destructive mission thats sole purpose is to get as drunk as possible. Not to have a good time or enjoy the taste or anything like that, there is absolute no limit to the amount that will be consumed.

I turn into a nasty peice off work.. vocally abusive towards anyone in my company and even at times angry and physical trying to pick fights ( i know how disgustingly pathetic this is btw )

Along with the self destruction comes moderate drug use to add to my conquest off getting as ****** as possible.

Its actuley strange talking about it why would anyone want to go from being a moderately happy sober self to a monster that feels paranoid suicidal and generally unhappy.. and anxious beyond no recognition.

To put my binge drinking into prospective i was sober under 5 weekends last year. And drunk less that five week days.. strange i know.

Sorry if this is in the wrong section, or a touchy subject.

Dee74

I was pretty much insane.

Delusions of grandeur, resentment, anger, paranoia, shame, guilt, regret, despair, self absorbed, proud and arrogant, selfish, amoral and manipulative, terrified and self flagellating.

I craved oblivion because it was an attempt to escape from me and my life.

If I'd only thought about putting all that effort into improving myself and my life, I may have gotten here a lot sooner - but it is what it is

It's natural to look at the past Kev...especially when it's recent...but who you want to become is far far more important than who you were IMO

D

kevf11

your right, i guess im just curious to what causes these emotions and makes one person different to another, like why i needed to drink to excess but a normal person does not

Dee74

I think one of the biggest preconceptions a lot of us have is that we need to understand why we drink in order to stop (or, sometimes, aim to cut back)

but that wasn't really my experience, kev.

I stopped drinking. I chalked my drinking up to alcoholism.

I stayed sober and I worked hard at getting the kind of life I wanted and the kind of me I wanted too.

I ended up happy.

I think that's a pretty good template

D

ALinNS

Totally out of control, binge closet drinker that would go to any length to get my beer and vodka. push everyone out of my life trying to help, thank god I have one person who is relentless and with the help of the hospital and Detox I stopped Dec 12.

My mentality is I am totally out of control, my feelings have always been frustration, scared for my life, weakness, anger that I slipped but I just could not stop without professional help. I drank to forget the pain from the past, every friggin time so let's deal with those events as they have been my trigger since I was 16, that was 35 years ago.

Been down that road so many times I lost count but in my case I didn't follow a plan I made 3 years ago after spending 28 days in an Intensive Treatment Program (model is SMART), for today I am in control of my AV and it has been for the most part leaving me alone as I am on a mission that I will never drink again and I know where I went wrong, that to me is key so that it doesn't happen again. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt if I follow my big plan I will recover in time, right now I am just working it very hard.

Ken33xx

My mentality? In the beginning I was having fun, toward the middle it was me trying to get it together and toward the end it was me trying to keep it together. At the end I could see I had taken a wrong turn somewhere. This wasn`t what I had planned back in my early 20`s. I was very happy during that period of my life and the future was promising.

Interestingly I don`t have fond memories of my teen years either at home or school but I didn`t turn to alcohol/drugs until around 19. However, by age 23 I was graduating college, my social life picked up and the future seemed bright. I really had no reason to drink as much as I did. Like I mentioned before I was quite happy. I just liked the feeling of getting a nice buzz. Unfortunately, I never really learned when to stop. I was never an abusive drunk but once I picked up a drink as sure as I`m typing this I would have a second, then a third and so on.

least

My mentality was depressed when I drank. I hated myself and the world. I'm glad those days are over now.

shortstop81

My mentality was that it was my 'thing' that didn't really affect anyone else, so why can't I just continue to do it? And near the end my AV would always tell me that this was one 'last time', and no one would need to know except me.

All just distorted lies, of course. Drinking made me argumentative, resentful, and paranoid.

Obladi

I agree with Dee. For me, looking back is not helpful in my plan to Not Drink. On the contrary, I have so many things to feel bad about (whether I was drinking or not), that ruminating on those things in the context of what I was like when drinking or why I chose to drink at any given time is counter-productive.

Overall, I was a fairly low-key drinker - didn't often get into drama as I was isolated in my room and was generally just in my own cocoon.

This time round, I'm focusing everything I have on the forward direction of Not Drinking and letting the rest follow from there. Looking back has it's place in understanding how I got there, perhaps, but it's place must be separate from the plan to Not Drink.

zjw

while drinking didnt bother no one. didnt cause no trouble just wanted to be left alone with my booze basicly. Like you it was a mission to get as effed up as possible and as quickly as I could. Booze was the option of choice but i'd take anything or any mixture etc.. just to escape. and while trashed I solved the problems of the world each and every time. I was a pig left my empties all over and barfed slipped in it left it for morning that sort of thing.

I think the mindset or mentality of an addict tends to be certain ways. IE i can meet someone and say hrmm that one with there thought process and such could end up being an addict if not careful. That being said I dont think this illness discriminates either. There are many with many diff mindsets / attitudes and outlooks then my own who also end up with the claws of addiction sunk deep into there throats. So its a tough call.

I wish i understood why one can drink or drug casually and put it down like nothing and another has some compulsive need to do it till they fall down each and every time begging for more. I dont get why i'm wired this way.

But its like anything else in life thats not good for me all i can do is accept it and avoid it.

kevf11

thank you all for the responses i understand that it may not always be healthy to look back and for that i apologize, curiosity and questions and responses are healthy for me just now though, in helping me understand why im like this and how to combat this.

Cheers guys

FormerWineGirl

I believe that the mentalities, reasons, feelings, etc. concerning alcohol abuse are as varied as we are, with some being more extreme than others. It may come quickly or it may take time, but the common denominator is the same with all alcoholics - simply put, our off switch is broken.

kevf11

brilliantly put

JeffreyAK

I don't really remember my thought process at the time, but the off switch was broken and any and all consequences were ignored or blamed on other things and other people. At the end it wasn't about fun or socializing or taste or anything that might appeal to normal drinkers, it was about feeling normal (which was, buzzed on the way to blacking out) and escaping the symptoms of withdrawal as well any awareness of what a hell hole I'd drunk myself into.

I think Dee is right, we can fool ourselves into thinking we have to sort out "why" we drank so much in the first place in order to stop, but that's another lie that the addict voice tells us. It doesn't matter, all that matters is stopping. If we want to dive deeper later on, once we're solidly sober, we can do that and it might be helpful, but we can also just get on with life.

FBL

My goal was to get smashed as often as I could and still function. It started to go off the rails when I suddenly found it harder and harder to stop. Soon enough, I was to the point where I had to drink just to stop the shakes and quiet the anxiety...of course, that only works for so long and every time it gets a little worse. I finally found myself in the emergency room, questioning my own sanity and that's when I finally surrendered. Life has been getting better ever since that day.

kevf11

yep, i would agree that its invalid and that it doesnt really matter the important thing is stopping rather than dwelling on why or how we felt.

Fly N Buy

Recently read the well known book - Under The Influence which details the physical aspects of alcoholism.

There is an old thread here I found very useful as well recapping some of the book -

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I do agree we don't need to know why we drink to stop. That kept me drinking a long time. But, today at a year and a half of sobriety I find it useful as I do many other recovery/alcoholism topics. It's part of my journey

Thanks for the thread

biminiblue

.
Ah! FlyNbuy, you fixed your link.

*edit

Berrybean

Not necessarily an 'invalid' question. The thing is, while we're still drinking we're unlikely ever to get to the bottom of all that stuff. Once we're sober, and and recovering, then often things seem a lot clearer to us.

For me, AA and working the 12-steps with a sponsor has helped me understand a where a lot of my fear; anger and resentment came from; and understand why I behaved some of the ways I did. Then I could start changing those things. But I needed to get sober before the recovery could start.

Good luck Kev.

Berrybean

Well, from what you say, your drinking certainly isn't enhancing your life, yet you carry on doing it. And doing it to excess despite that.
Only you can say if your drinking is making your life unmanageable, and you are an alcoholic. There are lots of online tests. I tried all of them (thinking each one much be wrong. Or a wind-up. Or silly. Or whatever, when they said I was an alcoholic. I drove myself mad trying to stop drinking on my own for a month (this after years of various attempts to moderate my drinking in various ways). Then I went to AA to ask if they thought I was an alcoholic - expecting them to say no, and hopefully tell me how to drink 'normally'.

Do YOU think you have a similar mentality to an alcoholic??

Maybe have a go at some of those online question / answer thingies. Here's the AA one...

Alcoholics Anonymous : Is A.A. For You? Twelve questions only you can answer

Newcomers | About AA | Alcoholics Anonymous (Great Britain) Ltd