bluedog97

Anyone ever do anything that you feel is awful, and others tell you it's no big deal? And you can't wrap your head around this? It has always made me so frustrated when people tell me this was no big deal when I feel it's the worst thing in the world. It happened a long time ago and I've never come to grips with it. I've drank over it many times and my AV is starting to work on me, like "you don't deserve to get sober for what you did". Thx

ALinNS

And for me unfortunately that is how the AV gets me to pick up that first drink and then everything goes down hill fast from there. For me I live in a province where Addiction services is available at no cost so counseling worked for me and I can say I do not feel guilty for anything in the past, I am however dealing with other issues but having someone really close you can talk to about it helps, I also think that we are too hard on ourselves sometimes, set expectations etc too high, this gives your AV power, don't let it win. Pulling for you and wish you the best

ScottFromWI

Yes, guilt is a common tool used by your addictions. It's not the only place in life it shows up but a common one. Think though how illogical it sounds----"I feel bad about something that happened a long time ago, so I think I'll get drunk and feel even worse". Doesn't make sense, does it?

kittycat3

Leave the past in the past, drinking isn't gonna change a thing, and will only make things worse

fini

bluedog,
people have different value-systems. maybe you and the ones who say it was no big deal have very different values and see different things as being really important.
i don't know where you're at with your sober journey, or what route you're taking.
for me, doing the step-work of AA's program gave me a way to 'clear the wreckage of the past".

beats drinking in the long run

FLCamper

I suspect most everyone has done something they regret. You can make amends if possible. But then you must get past it. Accept that you did it and move on. This, of course, is not as easy as it sounds.

bluedog97

Scott, you're right. When you put it that way, it sounds really stupid. I've done that for far too long. Drinking is the escape, I get to forget about everything for a few hours, then wake back up with the same guilt and terrible hangovers.

bluedog97

I think this has kept me out of AA for a while now. This terrifying fear I'll have to tell someone what I did, maybe in my story or Step 5 or something. I feel I don't belong. But you're right about the value-systems, I guess I could find some one with a value stem that would understand. Finding that person is difficult. Thx

fini

i know that fear.
couldn't see how i could ever do that. step 5 OMG!! and later step 9!!
no way no how.

well, the way and the how was starting with step 1.
of course.
by the time i got to 5, i was ready for 5.
by the time i got to 9, i was ready for 9.
the previous steps had prepared me.

leviathan

The only way I could resolve my guilt issue was to commit to making things right and contributing to the world. To be in position to do this, I need to be sober.

bluedog97

Thanks for the replies everyone, my AV has quieted down. I am going to figure out a plan for the new year. I can't go on drinking any longer.

Berrybean

This. Exactly.
And even within the steps there seem to be mini-steps. Eg. In step 9 I was one of the people who sorted my amends (I wrote each on a filing card just so I'd be able to do this) into Now; Maybe Later; and Never piles. And like everyone told me, byt the time I'd done the 'Now' ones, I was ready for the Maybe Later's. And when I'd done the 'Maybe Later's I was ready to consider the 'Never' pile.

And actually, other people's value systems won't make a jot of difference. Why? Because all they're doing is guiding you through the steps and YOU are the only one doing the judging. My sponsor asked me questions to guide me, but didn't tell me how she thought I'd acted. (And I was very surprised when she told me she'd done similar things herself)And actually, the important thing is figuring out what motivated us to act how we did on different times, then we can spot a pattern, and figure out how to move forward so that we can live without causing any wreckage. And then later, in step 9, how to clear away the wreckage. By making amends in ways that won't hurt anyone any further. Paying back what we owe; apologising and making good; or by making a living amends by changing how we do things.

It's about growth and finding peace (in ourselves and with others) - not guilt and punishment (neither of which really make anything better).

Wishing you all the best in your journey of recovery, through sobriety; acceptance; honesty and willingness; to a future of joy, peace and serenity.

bluedog97

Thanks for that explanation, Bb. I think I'm going to try to go back to a meeting after the New Year.

ru12

Lots of ways to get sober other than AA. And even if you like AA the steps are suggested i.e. You don't have to do step 5 if you don't want to. I wouldn't let fear of some future step keep you from getting sober today.

bluedog97

Makes sense ru. This is the kind of stuff I need to hear. I've been talking to the wrong people here where I am. They are all AA or bust. I'm not knocking AA, it has helped many people, but I need to figure out what works for me. Thanks