paddyjnr1

I woke this morning early, I'm trembling from the night before.
I have ****** it all up.

My counsellor was due to call at 11 to help him with a power point project but I had to put him off because i drank 3 cans of cider already.

I couldn't help myself, I said I'd have one but no I had to keep going.

Tomorrow I have a meeting about a job 1 to 2 days a week, money payed under the counter which will help me greatly for rent money but no I choose drink instead.

I have my doc tomorrow who I think at this stage is getting sick of me relapsing as i am my self.

I'm finding it very hard to do, will I come clean to doc again and try for to keep clean for this job which will probably tomorrow evening.???

I really need it but the cravings are really strong, it's no longer a matter of willpower for me...

What will i do?????

stevieg46

Paddy you ******* know what to do we know its an illness , so stop using it as a ******* excuse , no special rules or conditions for you .

I know all about it , I drank after 20 yrs so stop crying in your beer and feeling sorry and admit'' Paddy cant ******* do this anymore ''. but God /HP can

Stevie Glasgow .

Sobriety 12 03 2006. Words are easy music is a lot harder .

Cow

Well, if you like me, you probable keep try to juggle around you appointments, and keep up appearance that you got it under control, and maybe you even manage to do okay at job you got, until such time as don't, and eventual you be fired.

Then, you maybe go on like this for 5, 10, 35 year, like me.

I total relate to you, I really appreciates you honesty. I has lie to many doctor and therapist ...but at end of day, all we ever lie to is our self, yes? Doesn't really matter what we need, we maybe not gonna get it, ever. But we has to get sober anyways, and make life for our self, yes?

Steely

I'm only a week up and have been where you are more times than I care to remember. The 'promise' to just have 'the one' which never stops there, and never will. You can do it - we all can if sobriety is what we want. I get the impression it's what you want, don't deny yourself. And in answer to your question as to what can you do - don't pick up...........the rest will follow.

paddyjnr1

It's like I want trouble, I'm so confused, I'm lonely and discontent, I get a chance and I **** it all up, all was asked of me was to stay sober and I couldn't even do that. I'm a failure and I feel it. It hurts badly, I know it's my own fault and still I can't stop, I want to , believe me but the devil is winning, he's telling me to drink, you'lll feel better... No he's lying to me and I feel it...

Dee74

Guys if you gotta swear, just type the word out and let the automatic censor get it.

Dee
Moderator
SR

Dee74

Paddy

The bottom line is you have to put more effort into not drinking than drinking.

Plans and schemes of going into rehab etc are great ideas - but they're not action if you never act on them, yeah?

D.

FarToGo

I wish you hope and strength Paddy, try your hardest to get just one day sober, tell the folk you need to tell (docs, counsellor... ) just do it. One day sober will give a bit more strength, two days a little more...........
Sending you love and good vibes, lets make 2016 a better year.
xx

least

I hope you can put down the drink and start a better life.

Ken33xx

The sympathy card can only be played so long. Either you do something about your drinking or you don`t.

As far as being a failure. There aren`t any winners or losers. This isn`t a game. There are only those who don`t drink today. Forget everything else. Get to a meeting and then another and another before going home. Read the living sober book again. Read the big book. Read anything related to recovery. Keep posting.

Can`t say much more except you`ve helped me. I`ve got a lot on my mind these days but I start drinking again and boom... I`m back on the same merry-go-round as you.

FBL

Paddy, as long as you're breathing, it's never too late and you're never too far gone to recover. It took me a long time to finally realize that I either had to get help or die a slow and painful death. It's hard to admit defeat and I had several others telling me to stop, but I couldn't do it until I finally realized that nobody else was going to do it for me and I had to stop or face the dire consequences.

Hawkeye13

I'd come clean to the doctor and try to make the interview sober.
Eat something and get to the appointment.

I don't buy "devil made me do it" paddy--
any voice you hear in your head is your Addictive Voice.
It wants what it wants and the easy way out.
Mine gets pretty loud and demanding too.

I agree you do self-sabotge, and that may have to do with the
low self-esteem drinking gives us as yet another nasty gift
But you have to force yourself to climb out the hole
and stop jumping back in once you get out.

Just do it one day, one minute, one hour.
Today, get it together for the interview if you can.
If you can't, maybe think about calling the Samaritans
and getting into a long in-patient program.

Everybody here, including me, has plenty of crap in their life and reasons
to drink if they want to find them.
The difference for me staying sober has been
simply that I decided I would look harder
for reasons to stay sober and put my attention
and energy there instead.
There's nothing stopping you doing the same but your own
focus and choices.
Change those and win this thing.

tomsteve

quit pushin yer HP aside and doing this your way,paddy.
you already know what ya need to do.
call your sponsor and get yer arse to a meeting.

IF you want to get sober.

paddyjnr1

All your messages sound positive but the cravings are seriously heavy, I will do my best .. xxx

strategery

Do you have a plan to make sure you don't drink?

tomsteve

yes,they are. there is also the mental obsession at this time.
hit yer knees,ask yer HP for help. then get on the phone with yer sponsor.
keep praying. keep the line of communication with Him on your end. His end is alway open.

biminiblue

paddy, do you think all these people here have quit drinking without a serious fight against it? Do you think it was easy for me to put it down? I had suffered no consequences other than I knew in my heart it would kill me eventually and I didn't want to kill myself.

If all these people on this site have quit, you can too. Get off the pity pot and stop looking at yourself as some Special Snowflake that cannot get sober. You can. It is uncomfortable. It is difficult. Maybe the most difficult thing you will do ever, I don't know.

You mentioned the devil. I think prayer against this would be helpful. Try it. Prayer is powerful and the forces of good will come to your aid.

Grungehead

Earlier on in my alcoholism I used to quit drinking regularly only to start back up. Every time I quit it was because something bad was happening in my life. I'd quit drinking, the bad stuff would go away, and then I would start back up with the insane idea that this time it would be different. I chased that delusion all the way to the brink of death before giving up. If you're an alcoholic like me, you can't drink just one cider.

ScottFromWI

Addiction is never about "willpower". You will always lose that battle if you try to fight it.

Seeing your doctor and coming clean sounds like a good place to start, please make sure you are very honest about your drinking.

Rehab/Detox/Counseling/AA or a combination of all of them is probably what you SHOULD do, but what you "will" do is a choice you have to make. I think it's pretty clear that you cannot do this on your own - and don't feel bad about that, most of us couldn't either. You need to accept your addiction and let others help you...that is the only way out.

JeffreyAK

Right, it's really about actions you take, things you do to help yourself, not about sitting there pondering whether or not you should drink and telling yourself "No!". When you're in the thick of addiction, that almost certainly won't work, not for long. It's gotta become automatic, and you get there by practicing. Feel like drinking? Go to a meeting, go for a walk, leave the room, end the conversation, whatever it takes. Boom, don't think, just act. There are people who can iron-will their way to abstinence, but they are rare and usually they don't drink as much or as addictively as it sounds like you're doing.