Anybody have a problem with people in recovery calling around to their house
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 351
Anybody have a problem with people in recovery calling around to their house
I'm living with a house mate who just informed me that she is sick of people calling around every day.
Any one ever been in this situation, these are good guys in good recovery only wanting to help me out.
Am I wrong here or is it her own stuff going on???
I got very angry over it, I didn't react but just thought i'd put myself in her shoes and still i see no reason, theses guys are humble gentlemen who just want to support me and I feel I can't turn them away from the door.
Any solutions guys because my heart is broken over it???
I can't afford to move away to be honest because she is very good to me and helps me along withe my recovery.
Any one ever been in this situation, these are good guys in good recovery only wanting to help me out.
Am I wrong here or is it her own stuff going on???
I got very angry over it, I didn't react but just thought i'd put myself in her shoes and still i see no reason, theses guys are humble gentlemen who just want to support me and I feel I can't turn them away from the door.
Any solutions guys because my heart is broken over it???
I can't afford to move away to be honest because she is very good to me and helps me along withe my recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, it's her home. So I think she's well within her rights to set boundaries on strangers (to her) hanging out all the time.
The occasional visit may not be a problem, discuss it with her in terms of what she's comfortable with. The rest of the time, meet your sober buddies elsewhere--a coffee shop, a diner, or their house.
You're certainly free to move if her boundaries aren't acceptable to you, but to me it isn't unreasonable to want to relax at home without a constant stream of company.
The occasional visit may not be a problem, discuss it with her in terms of what she's comfortable with. The rest of the time, meet your sober buddies elsewhere--a coffee shop, a diner, or their house.
You're certainly free to move if her boundaries aren't acceptable to you, but to me it isn't unreasonable to want to relax at home without a constant stream of company.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 351
I would go to coffee shops but my financial situation is very bad.
I litterly have to watch every cent.
I had given her 2 days notice and she was even working on that day so she wouldn't even meet him.
I litterly have to watch every cent.
I had given her 2 days notice and she was even working on that day so she wouldn't even meet him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
In your first post you said it was guys (so more than one), and that they'd been coming round every day.
Thing is, you may know that they're good guys, but likely, all she thinks is that her house is turning into a bit of a hang-out. If she's not there when they come round, presumably someone has told her that this is happening?
Anyway - I think this is where acceptance comes in. It kind of doesn't matter if it's right or wrong. It's her house and it's upsetting her. Have you told your friends that there is an issue with daytime visitors at your lodgings? I'm sure that they will understand your predicament, and also help you to stop dwelling on this (living in the problem) and seek a different solution to the problem of where to meet.
What do you think your options are on this?
My perspective is that your choices are
(a) carry on meeting there. Spin a web of deceit, probably get caught out and then get resentful over it all over again.
(b) Find somewhere else to meet but carry on nursing a resentment about it, and continue to feel bad about it
(c) Accept the situation for what it is; remove any resentment with the help of your friends; and find somewhere else to meet up
Thing is, you may know that they're good guys, but likely, all she thinks is that her house is turning into a bit of a hang-out. If she's not there when they come round, presumably someone has told her that this is happening?
Anyway - I think this is where acceptance comes in. It kind of doesn't matter if it's right or wrong. It's her house and it's upsetting her. Have you told your friends that there is an issue with daytime visitors at your lodgings? I'm sure that they will understand your predicament, and also help you to stop dwelling on this (living in the problem) and seek a different solution to the problem of where to meet.
What do you think your options are on this?
My perspective is that your choices are
(a) carry on meeting there. Spin a web of deceit, probably get caught out and then get resentful over it all over again.
(b) Find somewhere else to meet but carry on nursing a resentment about it, and continue to feel bad about it
(c) Accept the situation for what it is; remove any resentment with the help of your friends; and find somewhere else to meet up
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
Don't they have homes?
Why can't you meet there?
I would imagine there are other public places in Cork
which don't cost money to be in where you can visit.
It seems like your room mate has been pretty patient
with the relapses and other issues you've had.
Is it really worth alienating her by bringing in people
you've met at meetings with whom you've only had a
short-term knowledge?
I wouldn't like relative strangers hanging around in my house
when I wasn't there either.
How long have you known this person / people?
It is much more common from my understanding to
spend time in public venues after AA meetings--
having a shared home means some compromises.
I agree with Beccy--find a way to let go of this before you
end up compromising a good living situation.
Why can't you meet there?
I would imagine there are other public places in Cork
which don't cost money to be in where you can visit.
It seems like your room mate has been pretty patient
with the relapses and other issues you've had.
Is it really worth alienating her by bringing in people
you've met at meetings with whom you've only had a
short-term knowledge?
I wouldn't like relative strangers hanging around in my house
when I wasn't there either.
How long have you known this person / people?
It is much more common from my understanding to
spend time in public venues after AA meetings--
having a shared home means some compromises.
I agree with Beccy--find a way to let go of this before you
end up compromising a good living situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
hi Paddy, if it is her house then she is well within the boundaries of reasonableness to say she doesn't want relative strangers passing through it every day, or every other day, or each week for that matter.
Maybe there is a compromise you can reach like saying there are one or two friends that you would like to be able to invite over from time to time and tell her who they are and say that the others you will meet outside. Then everyone else you can meet at a library, or Macdonalds or wherever. Split a coffee in a McCafe if you have to, it doesn't matter.
On the one or two days a year that it doesn't rain in Cork you could meet over a walk in the park.
Maybe there is a compromise you can reach like saying there are one or two friends that you would like to be able to invite over from time to time and tell her who they are and say that the others you will meet outside. Then everyone else you can meet at a library, or Macdonalds or wherever. Split a coffee in a McCafe if you have to, it doesn't matter.
On the one or two days a year that it doesn't rain in Cork you could meet over a walk in the park.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i live with my neice and her husband. they dont mind if i had visitors.
however
out of the respect i have for my neice and her husband, i would not allow people coming over constantly. and when a group does show up, i suggest going outside in the summer and elsewhere in the winter.
each and every time the people that have came over understood.
however
out of the respect i have for my neice and her husband, i would not allow people coming over constantly. and when a group does show up, i suggest going outside in the summer and elsewhere in the winter.
each and every time the people that have came over understood.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 351
Originally Posted by Beccybean 
In your first post you said it was guys (so more than one), and that they'd been coming round every day.
Thing is, you may know that they're good guys, but likely, all she thinks is that her house is turning into a bit of a hang-out. If she's not there when they come round, presumably someone has told her that this is happening?
Anyway - I think this is where acceptance comes in. It kind of doesn't matter if it's right or wrong. It's her house and it's upsetting her. Have you told your friends that there is an issue with daytime visitors at your lodgings? I'm sure that they will understand your predicament, and also help you to stop dwelling on this (living in the problem) and seek a different solution to the problem of where to meet.
What do you think your options are on this?
My perspective is that your choices are
(a) carry on meeting there. Spin a web of deceit, probably get caught out and then get resentful over it all over again.
(b) Find somewhere else to meet but carry on nursing a resentment about it, and continue to feel bad about it
(c) Accept the situation for what it is; remove any resentment with the help of your friends; and find somewhere else to meet up
Thing is, you may know that they're good guys, but likely, all she thinks is that her house is turning into a bit of a hang-out. If she's not there when they come round, presumably someone has told her that this is happening?
Anyway - I think this is where acceptance comes in. It kind of doesn't matter if it's right or wrong. It's her house and it's upsetting her. Have you told your friends that there is an issue with daytime visitors at your lodgings? I'm sure that they will understand your predicament, and also help you to stop dwelling on this (living in the problem) and seek a different solution to the problem of where to meet.
What do you think your options are on this?
My perspective is that your choices are
(a) carry on meeting there. Spin a web of deceit, probably get caught out and then get resentful over it all over again.
(b) Find somewhere else to meet but carry on nursing a resentment about it, and continue to feel bad about it
(c) Accept the situation for what it is; remove any resentment with the help of your friends; and find somewhere else to meet up
I went to the charity shop today to pick up my groceries which was in the city.
I also got my rent allowance and my counselor called around and made out a plan of what i can and can't spend.
Good day after all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 351
Originally Posted by ubntubnt
hi Paddy, if it is her house then she is well within the boundaries of reasonableness to say she doesn't want relative strangers passing through it every day, or every other day, or each week for that matter.
Maybe there is a compromise you can reach like saying there are one or two friends that you would like to be able to invite over from time to time and tell her who they are and say that the others you will meet outside. Then everyone else you can meet at a library, or Macdonalds or wherever. Split a coffee in a McCafe if you have to, it doesn't matter.
On the one or two days a year that it doesn't rain in Cork you could meet over a walk in the park.
Maybe there is a compromise you can reach like saying there are one or two friends that you would like to be able to invite over from time to time and tell her who they are and say that the others you will meet outside. Then everyone else you can meet at a library, or Macdonalds or wherever. Split a coffee in a McCafe if you have to, it doesn't matter.
On the one or two days a year that it doesn't rain in Cork you could meet over a walk in the park.
No he didn't he grew into a full grown malteese who never stops barking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Well, if you feel like you aren't getting a fair shake,
maybe best to get it on the table and discuss a compromise
you both can live with.
Surely it rains more than 363 days a year in Cork?
maybe best to get it on the table and discuss a compromise
you both can live with.
Surely it rains more than 363 days a year in Cork?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Originally Posted by paddyjnr1
we are both tenants with the same rights, The thing that gets me is I allow her to do what ever she wants, I've been in the house 4 years, she's been here one and brought a dog with her and begged me could she get a teacup malteese terrier, she said he'd be the size of a hamster,
No he didn't he grew into a full grown malteese who never stops barking.
No he didn't he grew into a full grown malteese who never stops barking.
If you've let her do everything she wants - in the expectation you'll get that returned - that was a bit naive.
I find human relationships very rarely work like that.
If you've let her do everything she wants, but that wasn't what you really wanted to do, then maybe it'll be good for you to be honest from now on about what you want?
I also think - at the risk of appearing harsh - we need to remember that active alcoholics are not a joy to live with.
I'm not sure she's gotten the best part of the deal here Paddy - y'know?
I don't know why you can;t meet at the local McDonald's or something...if you're shy of the price of a 2 buck cup of coffee how are you going to pay the rent, man?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 351
Originally Posted by Dee74
sounds like a few resentments there Paddy. I'm not trying to be a wiseguy but you need to get a handle on that.
If you've let her do everything she wants - in the expectation you'll get that returned - that was a bit naive.
I find human relationships very rarely work like that.
If you've let her do everything she wants, but that wasn't what you really wanted to do, then maybe it'll be good for you to be honest from now on about what you want?
I also think - at the risk of appearing harsh - we need to remember that active alcoholics are not a joy to live with.
I'm not sure she's gotten the best part of the deal here Paddy - y'know?
I don't know why you can;t meet at the local McDonald's or something...if you're shy of the price of a 2 buck cup of coffee how are you going to pay the rent, man?
D
If you've let her do everything she wants - in the expectation you'll get that returned - that was a bit naive.
I find human relationships very rarely work like that.
If you've let her do everything she wants, but that wasn't what you really wanted to do, then maybe it'll be good for you to be honest from now on about what you want?
I also think - at the risk of appearing harsh - we need to remember that active alcoholics are not a joy to live with.
I'm not sure she's gotten the best part of the deal here Paddy - y'know?
I don't know why you can;t meet at the local McDonald's or something...if you're shy of the price of a 2 buck cup of coffee how are you going to pay the rent, man?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Ireland
Posts: 351
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
With 7 clocks how could you ever know what time it is?
Hang in there Paddy--how's other stuff?
Hang in there Paddy--how's other stuff?
Everyone has been very good to me as i have a good network of people in recovery,
It was my Birthday today and i visited my mam in the nursing home, she sang Happy Birthday when I entered the room.
The tears flood down my face with Joy.
I have told my doc I want to taper off my meds because they are making me very lazy.
I'm going on the vape cigs on Saturday to try and keep some money aside.
My counselor made out a spending plan so i wont go short.
My friend called around tonight to watch a film with me and we tucked into Chinese food and chocs, my flat mate went in home to give us some space, so overall it was a good day.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Congratulations on a week sober Paddy and Happy Birthday.
There is a thread on SR for vapers. I quit smoking in Nov of 2014 and I have saved a fortune (I was a two pack a day smoker).
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-12.html
There is a thread on SR for vapers. I quit smoking in Nov of 2014 and I have saved a fortune (I was a two pack a day smoker).
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-12.html
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