First sober break up, yeahhhh ouch.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
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Fantail, if you do what you e always done, you'll get what you have always got.
They say no big moves first year sober. Your relationship sounds like it's been pretty much over for a while now, so I reckon that doesn't count so much. But frankly, I wouldn't go looking for a new one just yet. I firmly believe that when we take the time to get to know ourselves after a big breakup before jumping in with someone else, we won't become one of the gazillion people who need to "find themselves" a decade or so into the next relationship.
Find yourself sober, give it some time, and I think you will meet a guy far better than this one. I really do!
They say no big moves first year sober. Your relationship sounds like it's been pretty much over for a while now, so I reckon that doesn't count so much. But frankly, I wouldn't go looking for a new one just yet. I firmly believe that when we take the time to get to know ourselves after a big breakup before jumping in with someone else, we won't become one of the gazillion people who need to "find themselves" a decade or so into the next relationship.
Find yourself sober, give it some time, and I think you will meet a guy far better than this one. I really do!
now's the time
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Thanks all 
It's interesting the no-big-changes-first-year thing. I definitely understand it and thing it's a good principle in general. But I was kind of using it to justify making no move here... as in OK, my day-to-day life can be the same and I'll just leave this issue in limbo for a while.
I'm so glad I decided to make the decision though. I have another really important decision to make, about where I live, which is on a non-negotiable timeline. And I was really back and forth about it. But within 24 hours of removing this guy from my plans, it became 100% clear what I wanted to do.
I didn't even realize that I was factoring him into my plans so much. And in fact, if you'd asked me last week, I would've thought my relationship was pushing me in the opposite direction on this.
I'm going to try not to make any other major decisions this year!! (Including new partners, Wehav!). But this one I'm really glad I made, so that it wasn't a domino effect of passivity on everything else I need to sort out.
And OK. Group conscious calls for ice cream.
It's interesting the no-big-changes-first-year thing. I definitely understand it and thing it's a good principle in general. But I was kind of using it to justify making no move here... as in OK, my day-to-day life can be the same and I'll just leave this issue in limbo for a while.
I'm so glad I decided to make the decision though. I have another really important decision to make, about where I live, which is on a non-negotiable timeline. And I was really back and forth about it. But within 24 hours of removing this guy from my plans, it became 100% clear what I wanted to do.
I didn't even realize that I was factoring him into my plans so much. And in fact, if you'd asked me last week, I would've thought my relationship was pushing me in the opposite direction on this.
I'm going to try not to make any other major decisions this year!! (Including new partners, Wehav!). But this one I'm really glad I made, so that it wasn't a domino effect of passivity on everything else I need to sort out.
And OK. Group conscious calls for ice cream.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Fantail- When I first got sober, I did put off breaking-up with my boyfriend until I was almost a year sober. All I did was waste a year of both of our lives and keep both of us completely miserable. I think I didn't want to hurt him and I was using that one year thing as an excuse because I didn't have the courage to do what I needed to. Early recovery is a great time to focus on you without the weight of a dead relationship on your shoulders.
now's the time
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Dee -- Yeah, I guess I am, aren't I? Huh. 
Thank you. That might not be the case tomorrow, but today is OK.
DG -- Thank you for sharing that. That's really helpful to hear. It's easy to second guess everything. I don't trust my judgment one bit.
Thank you. That might not be the case tomorrow, but today is OK.DG -- Thank you for sharing that. That's really helpful to hear. It's easy to second guess everything. I don't trust my judgment one bit.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
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Fantail, totally sounds like you made the right decision. You sound so different just after a couple of days.
I think the one year rule is to prevent us from making rash decisions while newly sober. I don't think you made a rash decision. Sometimes we need to make moves in early sobriety. I hope your other decision was easier.
My relationship was almost dead in early sobriety, but mostly due to my drinking. When I quit, we both had to grow a lot. My partner was dysfunctional to a point too, we were a dysfunctional pair. I lucked out that she was up to changing too. The positive changes in me ended up helping her want to make changes in herself. I'm starting to think that's not super common.
I think the one year rule is to prevent us from making rash decisions while newly sober. I don't think you made a rash decision. Sometimes we need to make moves in early sobriety. I hope your other decision was easier.
My relationship was almost dead in early sobriety, but mostly due to my drinking. When I quit, we both had to grow a lot. My partner was dysfunctional to a point too, we were a dysfunctional pair. I lucked out that she was up to changing too. The positive changes in me ended up helping her want to make changes in herself. I'm starting to think that's not super common.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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You made a responsible decision, and did the right thing for both of you. Moreover, you did it in an honest and respectful way. That's pretty big! Well done.
I think self-pity and brooding is very dangerous to an addictive person, Our AVs can latch onto that feeling and ride it like a wave. What you did was very positive - I suggest that you keep on the positive strand.
(1) Write yourself a relationship inventory of what a good, healthy, relationship should look like - how YOU will behave. The boundaries you will set from the beginning. (Just in case you're tempted to patch a problem with a person and launch off on some rebound relationship and jump out of the frying pan into the fire.)
(2) Write a gratitude list (to stave off any lingering self-pity)
(3) Go out and do something for someone else
No ice-cream necessary. You don't need to grieve this relationship. It already gave you grief. What you did was positive. You're can choose to feel good about it.
I think self-pity and brooding is very dangerous to an addictive person, Our AVs can latch onto that feeling and ride it like a wave. What you did was very positive - I suggest that you keep on the positive strand.
(1) Write yourself a relationship inventory of what a good, healthy, relationship should look like - how YOU will behave. The boundaries you will set from the beginning. (Just in case you're tempted to patch a problem with a person and launch off on some rebound relationship and jump out of the frying pan into the fire.)
(2) Write a gratitude list (to stave off any lingering self-pity)
(3) Go out and do something for someone else
No ice-cream necessary. You don't need to grieve this relationship. It already gave you grief. What you did was positive. You're can choose to feel good about it.
now's the time
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Beccybean, thank you. Your style matches your avatar. Tough all around. In terms of doing things for others, luckily I am up to my ears in work (some of it for good causes) and that's my main escape right now. As for grieving... well, I think I still have some of that to do. But self pity I will try to skip.
Wehav, yes, I think a lot of relationships don't survive the transition. Your story is a wonderful exception. I guess I was hoping that the majority of the problems were my drinking. But at the end of the day he's still emotionally unavailable, which comes in handy when you want to get drunk without your partner realizing it, but is harder to live with when you'd like to have a healthy connection.
Today I'm feeling OK. Evenings are definitely harder, day time is better.
Mostly I'm trying to focus on the fact that most of my emotions right now are fear-based. When I did group therapy and my 5th step (separately but simultaneously) that was the most consistent feedback I got: starting my thoughts from a place of fear. I didn't used to be like that. I don't want to be that person.
Almost no one in my social circles is married. In San Francisco no one is concerned about it. But then here on the east coast, some of my friends are legitimately freaked out about being single later in life than they expected. New norms and all that. It's hard to be around that kind of fear without letting it get to me. But I do strive to be a person that will be happy even if I don't find someone I want to partner with for the long term. Rather than that person who signs up for a miserable partnership because they feel like time is running out. I'm a little ashamed at the fact that one of the voices in my head right now is the one that feels the pressure to go find a partner just because of my age.
Wehav, yes, I think a lot of relationships don't survive the transition. Your story is a wonderful exception.
I guess I was hoping that the majority of the problems were my drinking. But at the end of the day he's still emotionally unavailable, which comes in handy when you want to get drunk without your partner realizing it, but is harder to live with when you'd like to have a healthy connection.Today I'm feeling OK. Evenings are definitely harder, day time is better.
Mostly I'm trying to focus on the fact that most of my emotions right now are fear-based. When I did group therapy and my 5th step (separately but simultaneously) that was the most consistent feedback I got: starting my thoughts from a place of fear. I didn't used to be like that. I don't want to be that person.
Almost no one in my social circles is married. In San Francisco no one is concerned about it. But then here on the east coast, some of my friends are legitimately freaked out about being single later in life than they expected. New norms and all that. It's hard to be around that kind of fear without letting it get to me. But I do strive to be a person that will be happy even if I don't find someone I want to partner with for the long term. Rather than that person who signs up for a miserable partnership because they feel like time is running out. I'm a little ashamed at the fact that one of the voices in my head right now is the one that feels the pressure to go find a partner just because of my age.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Fantail- I can relate to that pressure of finding a partner because of getting older. I start getting the same feeling sometimes, especially when I start wondering if I might want to have kids someday. And then I start thinking, well if I want two kids or three so they could have siblings and then they need to be spread out a year or two and ideally, I don't want to wait too long because pregnancy becomes less likely and complications increase and I need to find the perfect partner first and then we need some time to date and be engaged and get married and it would be nice to be together at least a couple of years before we have kids and I need at least some time single before I jump into another relationship and **** I'm already 5 years behind schedule!!! And I sound like a crazy person nobody in their right mind would want to date!!! Heck, and I'm not even sure I want kids!
I agree with you completely that it's better to wait and find somebody you really want to be with than just be with somebody.
I also agree with trying to avoid the self-pity. I feel like because I'm a recovered alcoholic/addict, I don't have the same lee-way to wallow in my misery that a non-addict may have. I can't afford to slip too far into feeling bad or I risk my sobriety and possibly my very life. But stuffing, denying or ignoring feelings is also dangerous behavior so I strive for balance between feeling my feelings but not getting swallowed in them. And then sticking to healthy behaviors and a routine to keep me rooted in recovery.
I agree with you completely that it's better to wait and find somebody you really want to be with than just be with somebody.
I also agree with trying to avoid the self-pity. I feel like because I'm a recovered alcoholic/addict, I don't have the same lee-way to wallow in my misery that a non-addict may have. I can't afford to slip too far into feeling bad or I risk my sobriety and possibly my very life. But stuffing, denying or ignoring feelings is also dangerous behavior so I strive for balance between feeling my feelings but not getting swallowed in them. And then sticking to healthy behaviors and a routine to keep me rooted in recovery.
now's the time
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Originally Posted by DG0409 
Fantail- I can relate to that pressure of finding a partner because of getting older. I start getting the same feeling sometimes, especially when I start wondering if I might want to have kids someday. And then I start thinking, well if I want two kids or three so they could have siblings and then they need to be spread out a year or two and ideally, I don't want to wait too long because pregnancy becomes less likely and complications increase and I need to find the perfect partner first and then we need some time to date and be engaged and get married and it would be nice to be together at least a couple of years before we have kids and I need at least some time single before I jump into another relationship and **** I'm already 5 years behind schedule!!! And I sound like a crazy person nobody in their right mind would want to date!!! Heck, and I'm not even sure I want kids!
It's a lot of pressure put on young women. Intellectually I disagree with it. So I'm kind of struggling with the fact that I'm struggling with it.
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It's almost impossible to extricate the social expectations around partnership and kids from our own authentic desires. How can you ever really know the difference? I think the Buddhists are on to something when they say attachment to things - including ideas - brings suffering. Disengaging is easier said than done though.
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I think it's hard not to think that having kids is the 'norm'. While there are plenty of people that don't have kids, by default, we ALL come from families/homes that did have kids- us! While we can question and change beliefs later in life, those things that are imprinted on us as young kids are pretty powerful.
I think the biological time constraints also put pressure on us towards that direction. It's like, what if I wait and then regret it?
Ugg.
Yesterday, my cat pooped on the couch. No idea why, she's never done anything like that before. It was so gross and smelled awful. So... why would I ever think I needed some little person that I had to clean poop off of multiple times a day?
I think the biological time constraints also put pressure on us towards that direction. It's like, what if I wait and then regret it?
Ugg.
Yesterday, my cat pooped on the couch. No idea why, she's never done anything like that before. It was so gross and smelled awful. So... why would I ever think I needed some little person that I had to clean poop off of multiple times a day?
now's the time
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Shabs, thanks for that. Thinking about attachment and other Buddhist concepts got me through rehab. And my work schedule just changed so I can go back to my meditation group!! But none of that had entered my mind. Thanks for putting me in that direction. I got spiritual for like a minute and a half this past year, maybe I should go for round 2.
DG, yeah, there's the biology. I'm 32, and I'm afraid that if I don't have kids I'll regret it later. But I really don't want them in a tangible way. I'm actually dreading the thought of the dating pool becoming more and more populated by guys with kids.
I think really I'm pretty content to continue my life as it is... I want to work, and fall in and out of hobbies, and fall in and out of love, and hang out with my friends. But this societal voice in my head (assisted by a few of my panicking friends) is telling me it's a game of musical chairs and I'm going to be all alone if I don't sit my ass down.
I don't know how to get that voice to shut up.
DG, yeah, there's the biology. I'm 32, and I'm afraid that if I don't have kids I'll regret it later. But I really don't want them in a tangible way. I'm actually dreading the thought of the dating pool becoming more and more populated by guys with kids.
I think really I'm pretty content to continue my life as it is... I want to work, and fall in and out of hobbies, and fall in and out of love, and hang out with my friends. But this societal voice in my head (assisted by a few of my panicking friends) is telling me it's a game of musical chairs and I'm going to be all alone if I don't sit my ass down.
I don't know how to get that voice to shut up.
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