KAD

What do you do when you suspect your child is, or children are, in a toxic environment? I hate to sound like a broken record in regard to my kids, but they are constantly on my mind, especially on this first Christmas that I won't get to see them at all.

Here's the first situation, and these are just the most recent examples. When Christmas was approaching, I contacted my ex-wife to ask for gift ideas for my girls. She responded with a few ideas my oldest shared, but my youngest said she didn't want anything. OK... I think I mentioned that I'm not sure whether that is rooted in modesty or contempt, so I prefer to believe it' modesty. I bought her a little something anyway.

Example 2: I am conducting most correspondence with my kids through their counselor, so I asked her to find out whether or not they are willing to meet with me face to face. At first, neither wanted to, but my oldest has since agreed to meet with me. We have had 2 meetings which I've discussed here. The youngest still doesn't want to see me, or even exchange letters. (I just don't know how she'll be able to see any changes in me when there is no communication at all.)

Example 3: This morning, since it is Christmas, I texted their mother and asked her to wish them both a Merry Christmas for me. I also wished the same for her and her new husband. She texted back a while later and said my oldest says Merry Christmas to me. No word at all from the youngest.

Here is my concern. I know my ex-wife hangs on to resentment, anger, hatred, grudges...forever. My youngest is frightened of her - they both have told me so many times - and will do anything to not disappoint her or incur her wrath. I have heard from people who go to church with my ex that she brings me up very often, mostly in the form of complaints and dramatic displays of all she's going through because of me. This has gone on so long that people who know me, and who know all the progress I have been making, have told her to let go and stop dwelling on it so much. Her response has been to stop attending the church.

So, am I looking at this the wrong way, and if I'm not altogether wrong in my perception, what can I do about it? I want to do things the right way and not act out of resentment or anger at all. I really do want to make peace with all of them.

PurpleKnight

I think you can only do what you can do, and when it comes to children they're gonna react in different ways to the situation they find themselves in with regards parents splitting.

Your ex wife like anyone can be critical and if people want to believe, then what can you do, it's like anyone we encounter, other people's opinions of us are none of our business, they can think and say what they like, but it's actually pretty encouraging that people have weighed in on your side, that's a testament to your progress. Be confident in the life you're building and don't let anyone take that away with their comments.

When it comes to the kids, I truly believe kids don't fully sort out in their own heads their childhood, with regards parents splitting until they themselves reach adulthood, that's how it worked for me, so I wouldn't take it at all personally if your youngest doesn't want a present, doesn't send a letter, doesn't want to meet or doesn't wish you merry christmas, there could be a million different reasons as to why, and some of them could be fear, anxiety, confusion, and all those emotions that are nothing to do with you, but simply a child trying to figure their world out, the environment they find themselves in at that particular time in their life and then maybe next year it could be completely different.

So I'd buy the presents for both, write cards to both, wish both a merry christmas, and continue to do it unconditionally without worrying about the reciprocation, as one day they will both look back in their 20s or 30s and remember and maybe even dig out those presents and letters that their dad made sure they got being the great and caring father that he was during their childhood.