LiveInPeace

My sponsor and friend of a few years fired me via email, although the email seemed kind. I was trying to have a conversation with her about some things, and I was getting frustrated because she kept shutting me down harshly, not being willing to listen to what I had to say in the least. She also mistook an email I sent her, in which I was passionate about a certain subject, as anger. I tried to explain to her that it was not written in anger and can we please discuss our misunderstanding, but she refused, saying "there's no misunderstanding on my end."

The even stranger thing is, she emailed me out of the blue help on the step I am on, without my even asking. She knows I don't have a new sponsor yet. So I asked her a question about the help she gave me. She ignored it. Then two days later, out of the blue, she sent me another email about an outstanding amends I have. When I asked her a question about that advice, she wrote back "That's a question for your new sponsor and it's not up to me to find you a new one." I am absolutely dumbfounded and perplexed by her behavior. I didn't say anything eluding to the fact of it being up to her to help me find a new sponsor. I was merely asking a question about the advice she sent me, without my even asking for it.

I had made amends to her over her thinking my email was written in anger, and she said that we were okay, everything was fine with us, but then why this behavior?

I admit I've had some small resentments about her build up, but I didn't know who to 10th step them with. A big one is that she always harshly shuts me down anytime I try to explain something to her that she is completely and utterly misunderstanding. I wish I could give an example, but they are too personal. I'm trying to think of an example of an example. All I know is, we often have a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunications that she never seems willing to discuss and frustrate me a lot. She seems to like to think I am sicker than I really am. But then other times, she seems to think I'm not. Like with my amends, she kept telling me that things I thought I needed to amend weren't real amends, but she said it in a rather rude way. And she refused to explain to me why they weren't amend-worthy. My therapist thinks she's on a power trip but I don't think so.

Ok here's an example, although not a major one. Let's say she gives me instructions. Let's say she means them one way, and I interpret them another way. I end up doing it the way I think she means, which ends up being wrong. Then she accuses me of purposely not taking instruction. And when I try to explain to her that it was purely a miscommunication and that I thought she meant "x" when she said "y", she harshly shuts me down and continues to think I purposely did what I want instead of doing what she said to do. This causes me a great deal of self-hate and frustration. I can't help the way my brain hears things or interprets things. And I'm certainly not doing it on purpose.

My husband wants me to step away from AA. He's been ultra supportive of my recovery, but doesn't like seeing me this upset and anxious and has no idea why she's doing this but thinks because she fired me, I shouldn't answer her emails. It feels like one big mind-f*ck if you ask me. One that I don't deserve. I've been nothing but grateful for her help and her time over these last years. And anytime she needed to vent to me about stuff in her personal life, I listened sometimes an hour at a time. After all, she listened a lot to me.

I am *this close* to taking a xanax because of the anxiety this has caused me and my husband is afraid I'm going to end up putting myself in the hospital.

I've also noticed that the women in my home group are extremely cold and stand-offish. I don't understand why. My therapist wants me to find a new home group, but I really like this meeting as they go by the big book. Listening for the past few years to the guy share who started this meeting has absolutely changed my life. I know they want us to rely on God and not on them, but my sponsor became friends with ME, not the other way around, and this just hurts a lot. I've been to other meetings where the woman are more compassionate, friendly, and all that, but there doesn't seem strong recovery there and too much focus on the drinking and not enough on the solutions. Just my opinion, I just feel I wasted a decade going to meetings talking about my problems and I wanted something different. But I don't deserve being treated this way.

Also, there's an unwritten rule that you're allowed to call other sponsors if you have a question. I called one of the other sponsors and left a very brief message, that I had a question about the step I'm on. I think she knows my sponsor fired me, but I don't 100% remember if I told her or not. She never called me back and my gut feeling is it was on purpose. I always told her I appreciated her time, too, whenever she helped me, and I always asked her "Is this a good time?", etc. I even gave her a spiritual gift to show my appreciation. But again I must be being misperceived.

I am hoping someone with an outside perspective can tell me what it is I cannot see.

Many thanks in advance.

ScottFromWI

It sounds to me like you are reading a lot more into this than probably exists below the surface. We cannot control the actions of others and at the end of the day no one can explain her actions to you either - they were her actions and they happened.

It does sound like you have several issues in your home group though, would it hurt to find a new one and start fresh? Doesn't sound like you are getting a lot from it anyway, right?

leviathan

Regarding the ex-sponser. You can't fix crazy. This sounds like a person who preferes to have you confused and flustered.

AA is a support group of PEERS. No licences. No certifications. No monitoring. It was also originally designed to help people quit drinking. I believe (personal belief) that AA is promoted by some as a "life coach" situation and this is problematic.

If it is making you sick, or having you think about Xanax, please rely on your licenced therapist.

And go "no contact" with the ex-sponser. She's poison.

Soberwolf

Sometimes ppl don't click, get along etc tbh I'd suggest finding a new sponser & having no contact with this person you can ask her not to send emails to you & block her if necessary ?

One person will define your recovery 'You' not somebody else x

sleepie

Hi Liveinpeace
I don't AA but I can tell you I find people plenty confusing at times... mostly I just wanted to offer support and say "Don't take the xanax!"
I have been down the alcohol/benzo road, you and I know it leads to a bad bad place
Sorry that's all I got... but there are plenty AA'ers here I am sure someone will respond with more regarding your question.
Boy I know the allure of a benzo though.
We're here for you

sleepie

Also agree with "No Contact" for xanax inducing people where possible.

Bird615

I've found it's dangerous for me to try and guess other people's motives or what they're thinking. I used to and occasionally still do have a lot of anxiety over interactions with people, but it is getting much better.

It helps me to step back and quit trying to explain myself to other people too; either they get me or they don't. You therapist gave you some good advice. If you really like your group, go there for what you do like and find helpful about it and never mind the rest and get the compassion and understanding elsewhere. You can have a sponsor from anywhere you want, but it has to be someone you're comfortable with and can communicate with.

Most of my pain and anxiety has been caused by my own distorted thinking and one of the biggest things I've learned in AA is to stop trying to "force" things. People, situations, events, whatever. Trying to "make" something be the way I think it should be instead of accepting it as it is causes me the most grief in life and when I can let go and allow what is, life is more peaceful. It took me such a long time to grasp that.

LiveInPeace

I also wanted to add that anytime she would give me instructions, which was rarely and extremely vague and brief, she would accuse me of being "demanding" whenever I would ask her for clarification. If you knew me personally, you would know that I am not a demanding person. I do admit I am one of those people who needs things clearly spelled out, but I don't do it on purpose and if I knew how to fix that I would have.

Is there anything on my behavior that I am not seeing that perhaps you all see? Because I am open to seeing whatever it is I'm not seeing. Do you all get that my email wasn't angry? I don't know why my frustration or passion about a subject was misinterpreted as anger. I have never, ever gotten the least bit angry at her or anyone else in this group.

LiveInPeace

Thanks everyone for your quick, kind, and supportive replies. SR is such a nice place.

You're right--one of my frustrations in life is that I drive myself crazy trying to understand other people's behaviors, and what, if anything, i did wrong. I think it comes from growing up in an abusive home, as I was forever trying to change my behavior so I wouldn't get abused, or trying to figure out why the abusive person was so irrational and illogical.

My therapist wants me to find a new group. I've tried about 3-4 other groups. One was pretty good, the others weren't what I was looking for. I guess I will try more. I'm still wondering, though, if I should just give up on AA. My husband says "take a break from AA" but I told him it's sorta you're either in or you're out. Especially when still working the steps. And I have gotten a lot of growth from my step work.

Thanks Scott.

leviathan

I realize you're frustrated by the dynamic between you and her.

You seem painfully close to careing too much. (I only say this because I am prone to it, and realize it can make me sick rather quickly). Remind yourself that this isn't a close blood-relative or a best friend who would die for you.

She is literally "just another drunk". And we're a dime a dozen. LOL!

LiveInPeace

Leviathan -- a humongous thank you for telling it to me straight!! I was wondering about that, too-- a sponsor who might subconsciously be trying to keep me sick so I stay dependent on her or something--confusing me on purpose. I don't think she's doing it consciously though.

You bring up an excellent point about sponsors thinking they can turn into life coaches. Our relationship seemed to spiral downward recently when I told her I was following a suggestion my AA member, Addictions specialist, clinical therapist told me to do. She got angry and said "why don't you let him sponsor you, then?" I was like, "What??? Where did that come from???" It was bizarre. It was like she was angry that I was listening to him over her.

You bring up another fantastic point that "AA was created to help people quit drinking." My other therapist, since retired, was firm with me one day when I was getting OCD and compulsive with my 4th step, and said, "You quit drinking didn't you?! Enough with the 4th step!" Or something like that. I see now what he meant. He was very concerned for my mental health, because I was reliving the emotions of my 4th step resentments and it wasn't healthy.

Again thank you for being so clear and direct, too, with what you wrote about the Xanax, my licensed therapist, and this sponsor. I greatly appreciate it and I was able to "hear" it perfectly. Thank you for taking the time to read my long post and reply.

biminiblue

My personal take on this type of behavior from sponsors in AA is that people who go in with childhood or other major trauma are sometimes hurt by step work done the way some sponsors do it.

You say you've worked through the steps mostly. Why not take some time without a sponsor? It's not a requirement. There is no magic spell that a sponsor is able to cast on you. Everything other than Step 5 can be done on your own, and you've already spent many years in meetings. I would go to the meeting with the best recovery, but then I wouldn't have a sponsor. Spend time with your HP/God. You have it within you to do the work - the work is generic. It is basic spiritual practice that is taught in nearly all spiritual disciplines. There isn't a special "key" that only sponsors have. You have all the tools. You were born with them.

LiveInPeace

Hi soberwolf, thanks for your reply. Funny, I did always think we liked each other as people, but often when we have conversations, it seemed like something wasn't clicking...like we were talking different languages to each other or something.

I left her a phone message so we could "talk" instead of having confusing emails. I plan on telling her that I find her step emails confusing having since fired me, and if she doesn't want to sponsor me anymore, than to please stop emailing me. Does that sound good? Interestingly, she texted me "can't talk now, very busy." Well she wasn't too busy to send me two long emails this morning about my amends that I didn't even ask her about since she fired me!

When this first happened, I was a mess in fear that I was going to relapse. But now I am not in that much fear. You're right--*I* am in charge of my recovery, not anyone else. No one can ruin it or improve it but me.

PS - Congrats on your 3rd Christmas sober!

LiveInPeace

Thanks, Sleepie! Yes you nailed it when you said "I find people plenty confusing at times!" It seems people are even more confusing the longer I'm sober, and so I just become more introverted. Ever see the sign, "The more people I meet, the more I like my dogs?" Yeah. That.

I didn't take the Xanax, but I did almost have to pull the car over while driving. Some fresh air, a cup of tea, and posting on here helped. :-) Fortunately the anxiety didn't lead to a full blown panic attack but other symptoms were present all day and just getting worse, so it was a possibility.

LiveInPeace

That is such a good point...I hadn't even put two and two together. Thanks for stating the obvious, that my confused, perplexed brain did not see.

JD

Hi liveinPeace. You did what I was going to suggest in your last post. Calling her. There can be so much misinterpreted in the written word that can be avoided in speaking directly. Hopefully she calls you back and you can work it out.

tomsteve

instead of email, where words can be misconstrued and taken wrong, why not pick up the phone and call or meet face to face. that seems to have worked for hundreds of thousands for years and years.


opps, see yer going that route. good on ya!

LiveInPeace

It's a bad habit of mine. I don't know how to let go out of it.

What helped you improve your anxiety over interactions with people?

I have trouble letting that go. I get full of self-loathing when people don't get me. My therapist even offered to talk to talk to her on the phone for a few minutes so she'd get me and it'd make our work easier, but she refused. He said it's something about my OCD tendencies that makes people misperceive me or get frustrated with me. :-(

I was also considering continuing to go to this meeting for the interesting stuff I hear, but getting a sponsor elsewhere, and not really converse with these people anymore.

That is very helpful and I think part of the problem. I was trying to "force" her to see what she was seeing as grossly wrong. And it frustrated me the more things went on, which then she misperceived as anger. I don't care anymore what people think of me, but I guess it was different when it came to my own sponsor. It was hard for me to accept things as they were with us. I should've moved on a while ago, I think, when the miscommunciations and misunderstandings increased.

Did you have a similar experience with your sponsor, if ok to ask?

LiveInPeace

Yes. Frustrated is the right word. Frustrated, disappointed, confused, perplexed, sad...but not angry.

Yes. You are absolutely right. I care about the people in my meeting. I cry when they cry. Their shares make me cry because I feel their pain. I'm the one who picks up the phone and calls them after they had a painful share. I'm the one who goes over to someone struggling. At my last meeting, it was me. I shared raw pain. In all the years of going to this meeting, I had never done that because I know it's not healthy for the newcomer to hear. My husband said it was a cry for help, and that they all showed their true colors by how they utterly ignored me. My ex-sponsor actually walked out during my share. It was painful. I felt abandoned by people I have cared about all these years. No more. I'm done caring about anyone but myself now.

LOL good point!!

LiveInPeace

Biminiblue, would you kindly clarify on this more either on this post or PM? I would greatly appreciate it. Because yes I did have childhood trauma, that I tried to explain to her but she did not understand and harshly cut me off. My therapist gets it, though. He's helping me work though it.

I think I will do that, although I am scared about making a mistake. Some guidance would still be nice. Thanks for pointing out that I have all the tools to do this. Maybe that's what I need to work on realizing, instead of being upset that she fired me and thinking of myself without a sponsor like being on a row boat without an oar. I think I'll feel more empowered anyway if I finish up on my own.