LiveInPeace

Thank you for that helpful explanation. It's a good way of looking at it. And a nice reminder that I don't need anyone to help me get over a resentment.

I was wondering that too. Like I outgrew her. And she was no longer getting a benefit either. I do tend to analyze too much instead of just letting go.

You are lucky. Those sponsors are hard to come by. I guess my sponsor really doesn't have good experience, even though her shares in the meeting are fantastic. She gets easily frustrated as a sponsor and gives very unclear directions. She doesn't talk to her sponsor and hasn't for years. I highly doubt this has been a learning experience for her. My gut instinct is that in her mind, this is all about me and nothing to do with her.

Thanks I guess it's on hold for now until God's ready for me to work with someone else. My therapist wanted me to put Step 9 on hold for a while, anyway. Maybe I'm supposed to.

ScottFromWI

You are again trying to figure out what someone else is thinking, and then trying to draw a conclusion based on something you could not ever know. Let her deal with her own problems and deal with your own.

LiveInPeace

Thanks for pointing that out Scott. I don't know why I am falling back to old behavior. You're right.

FormerWineGirl

Although I agree that sometimes emails, texts, etc can be misinterpreted, there is really no excuse for someone (who is supposedly trying to help you) to cut you off and not allow you to explain the point you are trying to make.

Berrybean

I definitely wouldn't want to have done Step 9 without the direction of my sponsor. I used lots of little filing cards to prepare for my meeting with her, and had an idea in my head about what I should do about each one. Most of them she agreed with me about, but there were a couple that I could have made things worse with if I'd done it how I'd first intended, and a pot of tea and chat with my sponsor really helped me see where I would have been putting my safety / sobriety at risk contacting one person; and could end up causing (unintended) hurt to someone with another. There were even a couple that she said shouldn't be amends at all; and that I should just learn from them and not repeat past mistakes (I suppose like on p. 124 of the BB.)

Wishing you lots of luck in finding a new sponsor. I hope you find someone experienced; straight-forward; who has what you want from sobriety, and that you are able to ask them to sponsor you (don't know about you, but that 'asking' part was really hard for me. I had to practice a couple of times on my own before I could ask her - mine can seem a bit scary though to be honest ).

LiveInPeace

You have no idea how extremely helpful this post was. I cannot put it into words.

She thinks what she wants to think, and that's it, no willingness to even have a mature calm discussion about it. Cuts me off after developing a friendship with me, and now she's on to working with a friend of mine. I felt very shut-down, rejected, and abandoned.

Here's just one example: I'm in another program. She gave me a very strict suggestion about doing something in my life on that program's subject. I calmly and briefly explained to her that her suggestion goes against the basic tenants of the other program I'm in (she knows I'm in it). She harshly cut me off and was completely closed to hearing it. Yet at other times, she's said, "I can't talk to you about your other program because I'm not in it." Yet this time, she brought it up herself, with that strict suggestion. It's just very baffling.

Another example: I took an over the counter medication one night (no alcohol in it) when I had insomnia. I'm very sensitive to meds. I had no idea I wasn't supposed to mix it with my SSRI. I ended up having a horrendous panic attack. I had to go to the ER. I called her during the panic attack and said some pretty crazy, out of character things. She will sometimes bring up how I acted during the panic attack, sort of insinuating that I have psychological problems (I don't...just your run of the mill depression/anxiety that most of us have). I'm like, "I already told you. They all said in the ambulance and hospital that the panic attack I had was caused by mixing the Benadryl and the SSRI." Even the ambulance people and hospital folks didn't treat me like I was crazy. But she just cut me off, wouldn't hear it, and continued to think what she wanted to think. It was frustrating to no end. Because also how do I not know she gossips about me with the other sponsors? She's told me a couple of things about other people that were none of my business. I think she enjoys in some way thinking I am sick, like a sponsor/sponsee power trip of some kind.

Another time, she brought up an issue a family member is having and it happened to be about the career I'm in. I briefly stated a suggestion. She blew it off, and gave me some harsh excuse. I let it go, but it felt sort of insulting considering she knows what I do for a living.

Ever since I got to Step 9, our phone conversations had been less and less about the Steps and God, and more and more about her families' issues, problems in her life, etc. Actually it'd been like that for quite a while, but much moreso since getting to Step 9. At first I enjoyed it because I thought she was treating me like a friend. But then I started to get resentful, because anytime I tried to ask questions about Step 9, she's get really frustrated and cut me off.

I think my friend's point (the one who doesn't go to this group anymore) was that these people aren't trying to help me; they're trying to help themselves stay sober. I feel like she wouldn't care of I lived or died and that's just kinda hurtful.

That's one thing I don't get about Step 12. When I read the chapter in the big book on Step 12, it's all about Bill's point of helping others to stay sober. But what about the point that you're helping others so they don't die of alcoholism and addiction?! I feel like a person who I thought cared about me, and treated me very much like a friend, now just slammed the door on me because she didn't like the tone of my email that she thought it was.

LiveInPeace

Thanks, Beccy, this was extremely helpful to hear how someone else took a sponsee through Step 9. I already did an amends by myself that we had briefly talked about awhile ago, but I needed more info. Unfortunately, someone I did call in program said how I should have done it differently and now I am pissed for not doing it the way he said. Basically, I brought up specific details of how I harmed this friend, and the guy from fellowship said I should have kept it general.

Thanks. I may take a break from it for a while and hope I don't backslide. I thought she had what I wanted from sobriety, but now I see it isn't. I agree--"asking" is the hardest part for me, too, because of fear of rejection. I already asked one other woman and she said no. And this is someone who I was there for after she cried during a share and another time, too, I called her to see if she was okay. It's baffling. Oh but the moment I approached someone at a meeting to talk about an outstanding amend, she was there wanting to hear about it instead of giving me privacy.

I don't mind the "scary" sponsors. There's this one guy at my meeting who yells and a lot of people are scared of him, but to me he speaks truth so it's not scary. But I know what you mean that some people can come across intimidating. I think it's just that they want us to see that the sponsor/sponsee relationship is serious business and step work should not be taken lightly because alcoholism is a deadly disease. That's just my take.

Berrybean

I don't know about the whole back-sliding thing. Christmas is a difficult time of year as it is. Are there some new / different meetings that you can explore?

Do you listen to the speaker recordings? I find these very useful on a daily basis to keep me thinking about the steps I'm currently on, but especially if I can't get to meetings for any reason. Here's the link I use for my downloads, just in case you can use it to some benefit anyway... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

PS It sounds to me like maybe you asked that woman because you'd helped her, so felt more comfortable asking her to help you. Maybe she's not in a place at the moment to be sponsoring anyone at the moment. I think if it were me I'd look for someone who isn't crying at meetings x

LiveInPeace

My therapist has said the same thing. I did try a couple of different meetings, and I found one I liked. But they seem to push me toward the newly-finished-with-the-steps girls and that's not who I want as a sponsor. I also think I fell into the trap of absolutely loving this meeting I go to, and thinking it is the only good meeting in my area. I guess I drank the Koolaid. I need to explore other meetings to see if there are healthier ones out there.

Yes, I do, when I'm in the car. I have some favorites I listen to. I just wish they were more detailed and not so general. I like examples, they help me process what I'm hearing. Thanks for the link! I don't think I've seen that one.

Yes. I felt comfortable with her. And she was like, "Liveinpeace, I'll be your friend, but I won't sponsor you". Ugh it was so condescending. I think she's sicker than she appears and that her usual shares make it seem. I once talked her through one of her other addictions that we share in common while we were on the phone and she was in an emotionally bad place. Maybe she didn't like that. Good point about looking for someone who isn't crying at meetings. :-)

Someone once came to our meeting and said to me, "I think the recovered people sharing are full of sh*t." I didn't believe her, stuck up for them to her, but now this all is having me wonder.

LexieCat

You've gotten some great feedback, here.

The bottom line is we're all works in progress. None of us is perfect--not your ex-sponsor, not the other people in the groups, not you. And even the most "recovered" people have a bad day, pressing problems that are challenging their own resources. And sometimes they just get plain tapped out in terms of helping someone else--at least for a period of time.

Some of these experiences are wonderful lessons in patience and tolerance. Not that you should continue to interact with someone when the relationship is making you feel bad (at least when that "feeling bad" is on a regular basis), but recognizing that we all have limitations.

Sounds like you have a great therapist, and to my mind, one of the best things a sponsor can teach you is how to run the various problems you encounter in life through the steps, so you can arrive at the solution that's right for YOU.

LiveInPeace

Thank you for your post, LexieCat.

She did not do this for me. I was only told if I have a problem, to "take it to God." I have no idea how to do what you wrote-- how to run the various problems I encounter in life through the steps. Can you please tell me HOW?

I keep reading on SR about people applying the steps, living the steps in all areas of their lives, emotional sobriety, or a second surrender. I have no idea what any of that means, or how to do any of this and would love some instruction on this.

Gottalife

Gosh LIP, some of this is like asking about the meaning of life and everything, the answer to which is 42 by the way.

"The main purpose of this book is to put you in touch with a power greater than your self which will solve all your problems" and that power is NOT a sponsor or any other human.

My sponsor followed this direction to the letter. He never once told me what to do, though there were many times I wished he would. He helped me with the steps, including the daily application of 10, 11 and 12. He helped me learn to pray and with any problem I had, I learned to pray about it, and then talk over whtever solutions had come, with my sponsor. Then I decided what to do.

Some folks in our fellowship have come to think of the steps as a bunch of psychological tools to be worked as events on our lives unfold. If this happens I work step 2, etc. I don't quite understand that.

To me the steps are a set of spiritual principles, first to clean up the past, and then to live successfully in the present. So I clean up new mistakes as I go, I continually pray for guidance, and I happily work with others. The drink problem was removed as promised and has stayed away as promised. Trust God, clean house, help others.

Back to those steps LIP, trust the process, trust God, everything will become clear.

And have a wonderful sober Christmas

Ken33xx

That`s because it is.

Take it slow finding a new sponsor and don`t be so hard on yourself.

Berrybean

If it helps any, I don't think she was holding out on you not teaching you this stuff. I think that any sponsor can only teach the steps as they were taught them, and on what they've learned themselves. Also, not everyone is good at explaining stuff, no matter how much they know. For example, it doesn't follow that just because someone is a fantastic and brilliant scientist that they'd make a good science teacher.

In addition to what any sponsor teaches us, it is up to us to seek. 'God could and would if he were sought'. Prayer; meditation; and seeking out more information than is just handed to us. Talking to other people in the fellowship; reading with and beyond the BB - there are lots of other AA books. Listening to AA speakers on the steps and whatever else is confounding us. A lot of this is a private journey. You can continue with those things while you are sponsor-less.

Not being funny though - while you're using all your head-space on this resentment it's going to be pretty hard for you to reach a state of peace or serenity. How do you use your HP? Pray to him. The resentment prayer; the steps prayers. Trust you HP with the things that are not yours to sort out.

Sandy Beach is pretty great talking about the HP stuff on step 10 / 11. You'll find some recordings of him on the link I gave you.

x

PS Step prayers here... http://friendsofbillw.net/twelve_step_prayers

LiveInPeace

Thanks everyone. :-) I'm a bit busy with Xmas (sober) but will reply soon.

Beccy - you are 100% right--filling my head with this resentment is not a good idea. I love your suggestions and the key point that a lot of this I have to do privately. I've listened to Sandy Beach--he is an excellent speaker, I agree. I do think you hit the nail on the head that some people aren't good at explaining things, no matter how much they get it themselves. SEEK--I know that that is something I must do. I think I'll write that word in big letters on an index card left over from amends and stick it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder. I must get out of my head over this resentment and say the resentment prayer.

Ken - thank you for that important validation.

Mike - wonderful post, thank you. I understood how to work the steps to clean up the past, and I'm struggling with understanding how to use them in the present.

Thanks everyone and Merry Christmas. :-)

WMJ1012

Hi Live
Merry Christmas. I don't know what happened between sponsor and you because I wasn't there. It could be that she asked you to do things in a certain way and you couldn't or wouldn't, or it may be that she is going through a stressful time and can't help you. It could be both, I don't know.

I have experienced all the things you talk about. What comes to mind is when Dr Sikkworth told Bill he didn't know what had happened to Bill but he better hold on to it. You have done hard work. Keep the necessary Power you've worked so hard to obtain. Protect it. Stay watchful for people who just "fall" around you when others are gone. Those are the next ones who God has chosen Himself, to help you on this next phase of your journey.

You have something special. Do everything you can to grow. Don't let the disease get in the way, for it knows you have made huge progress!

WMJ1012

What I mean is, if you remain willing, you'll be brought everything you need.

LiveInPeace

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all your support. I definitely got a bit "OCD" over this and had trouble letting it go.

I have finally let it go.

And I have a new sponsor.

I think maybe I just "outgrew" my former sponsor and it's time for my next level of recovery.

Thanks for helping me get back on track.

LiveInPeace

Thanks WMJ. I think it's both. And I think we just outgrew each other.

It does help to hear others have gone through this. I did finally get that Power back, and it came from an unexpected place--an amends suggestion from my therapist.

I had asked two other people to sponsor me. One had no time. I see it now as a blessing. The other wanted to take me back starting from Step 1. The third one was a suggestion from someone else. I was unsure, since she is newly recovered and "I wanted" (lol) someone who has experience. My ego was rearing its ugly head.

Someone on one of my posts mentioned something about stopping looking for a tailor-made sponsor. Yup. I was doing that. After speaking with this new woman on the phone and meeting her, I could tell this was what God had planned for me.

I am trying to take the lessons out of what happened with my former sponsor, including how I reacted on here with obsessing over it and not letting it go.

She also seems very willing to meet with me in person for an hour a week and even said I could call during the day. I could tell immediately I'm in a different head space, because I can sense I will only call her to discuss a Step 10 if needed. When we met, it was healthy conversation. We talked about amends and spiritual growth.

Wow did I ever let the disease get in the way. Thank God I didn't relapse but my mind certainly went back to old stinking thinking.

Thanks everyone for putting me back in the direction I was heading. I finally feel like I am moving forward again. Thank you WMJ for saying what you said here, too. I wasn't just not growing and stagnant; I was going backwards. I feel like I can continue growing again from where I left off. Thanks for pointing out my progress. She also said that I am doing better than I think I am. I'm going to take this as a lesson to not let my ego/mind take over and screw up my recovery.

Berrybean

I am so, so happy for you LIP.