F Day 1
 

I saw a guy awhile back wearing a TShirt that said "F@@k Day One' and I asked him if it meant what we all suspect it would mean and he said YES...that he wore it on days he really stuggled...to remind him that he never wants to go back to day one. I think that's brilliant....I want it tattooed on my wrist! Experience tells me it gets better, but it also tells me that I will always stuggle. My insecurity, self self-doubt, self-ridicule and self-loathing are inscribed on my DNA...meticulously put into place by my parents from birth onwards. Now I'm old enough and wise enough to KNOW how good I am...but those characteristics are as permanent in me as my eye colour. And sometimes when I'm not working my program I feel those feelings creep up and make it even harder to fight my Beast (my addict). Because I'm only 10 days into my latest REAL attempt at sobriety (and first real attempt at recovery)...and because my Beast is stalking my thoughts...I need something simple to focus on....not things I LOVE about sobriety (because my Beast tells me there are things I LOVE about drinking as well)...but instead I choose to focus on something I HATE...Day One!
I hate day one...and usually fail at completing it...because I pick up a drink to avoid the awfulness of day one which starts by waking up in a panic at 3am (like clockwork) and includes the following:
-HATING myself for failing again.
-PLEADING with the clocks to turn back.
-Anxiety.
-Depression.
-Sickness.
-Headache.
-Shakes.
-Forgetfullness.
-Exhaustion.
-Self- Loathing.
-Self-Doubt.
-Lonliness.
-Desperation.
-Isolation.
-ABSOLUTE DEFEAT!
Those are just a few of the things I hate about day one...
I am officially breaking up with Day One...I never wanna see it again...so I say "F Day One!"

Keep on keeping on

That sounds like a good and effective way to think of it rahrah.
Sounds like you are insightful about your drink triggers too, way to go- keep it up :)
You can only win.

If you only have one "day 1" it's kind of a waste of money to by the shirt. Makes me wonder how serious the guy is about sobriety.

good on ya rahrah, but im gonna call ya out on this:
My insecurity, self self-doubt, self-ridicule and self-loathing are inscribed on my DNA...meticulously put into place by my parents from birth onwards.

nope, not inscribed in your DNA and if it was it wouldnt be from birth-it would be while you were in the womb.

they are not permanent characteristics and you even say so when ya say
"And sometimes when I'm not working my program I feel those feelings creep up and make it even harder...."

i used to have ALL of those character defects controlling me.
working on me-finding out what makes me tick and practicing a new way of living, one which the program of aa showed me how to live, changed me and my attitude greatly.

Love it. Sometimes we just gotta say f this and move on. Pretending like I'm happy and joyful all the time is an unhealthy reminder of my childhood. Stuffing every thing down like that made me drink. Now I just say f it and then i can laugh about how ridiculous the situation is and move on. Just my 2 cents.

thanks tomsteve....i get what you're saying but we do also inherit traits (epigenetic markers on our dna) that do affect our disposition ...but you're definately right that it was from the womb! I should have included that self-loathing was inscribed into my psyche (by fanatically religious parents)...anyways...another one of my weaknesses is being right about everything (lol) ....especially science....oh! and philosophy...AND religion...and then..and then..and then... but I'm working on all that too!
LOL

ill still disagree that its in your dna.
unless you have had the tests to prove it.
but it would be a great excuse. i used to use it myself. i was born this way. its my destiny.
all lies.

What the heck is it about 3 AM?

That was the worst, and it happens to us all.

Oh God yeah. The lovely 3am wakeup call, I remember it all too well... I always had to just get up and pace because it felt like I would die in my bed.

Really? 3 am for others? Like clockwork for me....but thankfully I've slept all the night long for a solid week....it's AWESOME!

There's a theory that it's how our ancestors slept if I recall correctly. They slept until 3 and then stayed awake for a few hours and then fell back asleep- supposedly to put wood on the fire and check for predators and other purposes that we don't need to worry about anymore.

Also, it could be cuz our adrenal glands are shot from drinking too much...... I like reading about theories :) probably cuz I'm always up in the middle of the night.

"Experience tells me .... that I will always struggle."

On an optimistic note, I have been sober a long time and it is never a struggle. It might have been if I tried to do it on my own power, in fact I did and the struggle was too much for me.

But now I'm in a different place, and experience over many years tells me there is no struggle in staying sober.

"In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. "

This stuff really works.

I saw the Clash back in late 70's = awesome. There's a song on London Calling entitled Four Horseman. Those four fellas use to show up good and regular for me around 3 am as well - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration and Despair.

Don' t miss em a bit!

so your past has etched your future in stone, eh?

you will always struggle.

there is no guarantee on that, rahrah:)

i struggled for decades, and then i didn't. awesome.
never mind epigenetics; your future is not pre-determined.

nice try, though. means you don't really have to change anything if you believe you already know for sure how it will be.


waddayasay? give that idea up?

I should clarify...what I meant in my post is that I feel as though the fear and self-loathing is part of me...engrained....I was raised by religious zealots with it being drilled into my head...it's my initial reaction to everything...making it all that much harder to deal with sobriety because it's how I feel all the time....fearful and self-loathing.

rahrah I think regardless it's a really good thing you recognize all that and are striving to maintain sobriety :)
Here's to self awareness, you've got it!

This is probably my overly simplistic way of dealing with the scars from my childhood, which was no walk in the park on a sunny day.
While it's true that some people had terrible ones, much worse then others, many of us still had parents that loved us in their own f-up way and did the best that they could with the tools they had. I've made a choice not to blame my parents for my issues and not to accept it as my destiny or DNA. Certainly there are learned traits, but a good counselor can help you work through many of those issues so you don't repeat the same mistakes our parents made, and that we can provide so much more for our children. It's simplistic, but why make it harder or give it more power then it deserves?

I guess the self-loathing is also fueled by the relentless cycle of day ones...perhaps it will subside with more sobriety....I said experience tells me I'll always struggle...but the last time I got sober was 10 years ago...a lot has changed since then...perhaps I'll feel stronger this time around! I hope so cause I'm desperate to stay sober....I'm sick of the whole cycle...so far I've wanted sobriety more than I've wanted a drink...I've been lucky. I'm gonna stay focused on my hate-on of day one...it's worked for the last little bit...I'm hoping it works for one more!

That motivates me alone not to pick up.