F Day 1
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by rahrah 
I guess the self-loathing is also fueled by the relentless cycle of day ones...perhaps it will subside with more sobriety....I said experience tells me I'll always struggle...but the last time I got sober was 10 years ago...a lot has changed since then...perhaps I'll feel stronger this time around! I hope so cause I'm desperate to stay sober....I'm sick of the whole cycle...so far I've wanted sobriety more than I've wanted a drink...I've been lucky. I'm gonna stay focused on my hate-on of day one...it's worked for the last little bit...I'm hoping it works for one more!
rah, what you describe is a lot how i was- a hopeless, helpless, useless, worthless POS. felt that way about myself for many years and would have kept feeling that way about myself on a few conditions:
i didnt stop drinking.
i didnt work at finding causes and conditions
i didnt work at changing me.
since i did those things, which took time, remarkable things have happened inside me. im no longer in that self hate, pity party crap. no longer hate myself. no longer view life and the people in it as miserable.
im no longer gloom and doom!
Recoverer of Self
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
Feeling a lot better these past few days...but I'm terrified of getting back to the grind after the holidays...I don't handle stress well and am afraid of feeling overwhelmed and picking up. I've been lucky lately to spend a lot of time on here due to the holidays...but it won't be that way for long....just sorta scared.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Southern California
Posts: 690
Great job Rah! Just make sure you have your plan in place so that when you feel stressed you know which steps to take so you don't land up drinking to help you cope. That only serves you for a minute and you're looking for long term answers!
Recoverer of Self
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
So much has changed since this post 8 months ago. I no longer believe self loathing is written on my DNA...it was just a symptom of my alcohol soaked brain....instead I've found that I really like myself...and I'm learning to love myself UNCONDITIONALLY (even with all the pain and regret over the past)....but one thing that hasn't changed is my hatred for day 1...yes genuine hatred..perhaps the only healthy hatred there is?
F Day 1 is my dearest motto/mantra..and here's why:
Wow....I never wanna go back to feeling those things. The recovery work I'm doing may be painful at times...but this...this day one business is soul crushing!!!!! F that...F Day 1 FOREVER!!!!!!!
To all those who are struggling with Day 1...you never ever ever have to see it again if you can find a way...any way...whatever it takes to never go back! So go ahead and get a healthy hate-on for Day 1....it can really help!
F Day 1 is my dearest motto/mantra..and here's why:
Originally Posted by rahrah
I hate day one...and usually fail at completing it...because I pick up a drink to avoid the awfulness of day one which starts by waking up in a panic at 3am (like clockwork) and includes the following:
-HATING myself for failing again.
-PLEADING with the clocks to turn back.
-Anxiety.
-Depression.
-Sickness.
-Headache.
-Shakes.
-Forgetfullness.
-Exhaustion.
-Self- Loathing.
-Self-Doubt.
-Lonliness.
-Desperation.
-Isolation.
-ABSOLUTE DEFEAT!
Those are just a few of the things I hate about day one...
I am officially breaking up with Day One...I never wanna see it again...so I say "F Day One!"
-HATING myself for failing again.
-PLEADING with the clocks to turn back.
-Anxiety.
-Depression.
-Sickness.
-Headache.
-Shakes.
-Forgetfullness.
-Exhaustion.
-Self- Loathing.
-Self-Doubt.
-Lonliness.
-Desperation.
-Isolation.
-ABSOLUTE DEFEAT!
Those are just a few of the things I hate about day one...
I am officially breaking up with Day One...I never wanna see it again...so I say "F Day One!"
To all those who are struggling with Day 1...you never ever ever have to see it again if you can find a way...any way...whatever it takes to never go back! So go ahead and get a healthy hate-on for Day 1....it can really help!
Keep going, it gets better. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Through the grace of God and the efficacy of the AA program, I have had only 1 day 1, and it was the most important day of my life.
I have always said that there are no days I want to repeat, and there are no struggles I want to gratuitously invite back into my life by letting go of my relationship with God and the AA program that I try to work.
There are no paths I wish to re-tread.
Once is, I hope, enough for the various life lessons I have learned.
It sounds like your whole attitude and outlook on life has change, Rah.
Glad to hear about your recovery and journey.
I have always said that there are no days I want to repeat, and there are no struggles I want to gratuitously invite back into my life by letting go of my relationship with God and the AA program that I try to work.
There are no paths I wish to re-tread.
Once is, I hope, enough for the various life lessons I have learned.
It sounds like your whole attitude and outlook on life has change, Rah.
Glad to hear about your recovery and journey.
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