GoldenSasha5

My boyfriend had a severely traumatic childhood with perpetual sexual an physical abuse, and his mom was addicted to drugs until the time of her death, six years ago. As a consequence he deals with extreme anxiety and depression, he abuses alcohol, and smokes most of his day...

He was married before to a girl he was with for eight years, and his marriage ended in divorce within 6 months. After his divorce he fell into a deeper depression, started abusing alcohol on a daily basis and got such a problem in his liver that the doctors told him he would die.

When I met him, a few months after his divorce, I didn't know any of this, I just saw a very smart intriguing man who was truly caring and seemed to be going through some difficult times.

Little by little he completely opened up to me about everything he's beeb dealing with. It really scares me. We have been together for a year and a half. At some point I was really hopeful we would move in together and I felt really in love and invested in our relationship.

The problem is, I thought he could get better and I wanted to help him get better. But the more I realize how deep the problem is, the more afraid I am that he may never really recover or that I cant do anything.
When he drinks all his pain comes out and he says he wants to die because he feels worthless and he feels that everyone abuses him. He screams at me and fights and everything gets horrible..

I love him and sometimes I wish I could help him but sometimes I want to break up with him because it is almost impossible for me to see a future with him now, knowing all the trauma he has been through and that he is not doing anything significant to get move away from his past.

I am 25 yo and this is becoming overbearing for me to deal with, I am in distress on a daily basis now, but I really care about him.

I am really sad and hurt and confused. More than anything I am concerned about him. Please help me. I can't talk to my close family about these problems because they would probably tell me to leave him.

Dee74

Hi and welcome GoldenSascha

As much as I know you want guarantees either way, it's really impossible to predict what might happen - some of us sober up and clean up, and some of us, sadly, don't.

Has your bf given any indication he's trying to quit, or even that he wants to?

D

GoldenSasha5

Hi, thanks for your response.

He diminished his drinking intake to almost zero after the doctors told him he might die. That lasted for about 4 months.
Now he drinks again mostly when we go out at night or if we are at a get together where people are drinking.

He says he doesn't want the disease in his life and that he wants to change.
But he hasn't done anything else like seek help or counseling or go in forums to find help.

JeffreyAK

We sometimes say things as addicts to kinda sound them out, to ourselves and others. But actions are what matters, and if he's not seeking help and he's still deep into addiction, then he doesn't want to change enough to actually change. Obviously no one can know what will happen or suggest what you should do, but one important life lesson I learned from the whole addiction/recovery process was, we all need to maintain our own boundaries, and take appropriate consistent action when those boundaries are crossed. You'll have to decide where your boundaries are, and what you should do if he crosses them, or has crossed them. Good luck, it's a tough situation, but you wanting him to change will not by itself make him change.

ScottFromWI

Welcome goldensasha. Lots of good advice here already, but the most important is of course that you cannot change him, he must make the effort to get sober himself. If he's not seeking help it's unlikely that he will get better without it.

We do have a forum here for friends and family of addicts/alcohilics...you can find other in similar situations to you there.

Dee74

Thanks for explaining a little more. I'm not really a relationship expert...but I think it's good to think about what effect it will have on you if your bf doesn't change.

Is that the life you want for yourself?

I also recommend you look in at out Family and Friends forums - you'll find a lot of people there who've been in this situation as well

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com

D

AAPJ

If you have already decided that you do not want to leave him your options are fairly limited. One suggestion for the long run. As long as he's messed up do not get pregnant. Bringing a child into an already difficult situation will only make the situation even more difficult.

Good luck.

Soberwolf

Welcome GoldenSasha

Bekindalways

Welcome GS, it sounds like a very difficult situation. Unfortunately there is very little you can do other than take care of yourself and setup some boundaries. To set good boundaries you may have to think a bit about what you can tolerate and what you can't.

Let us know how you are doing.

least

You don't want to be told to leave him, so I won't tell you that. I will only ask you: is this the life you want to live?

doggonecarl

They'd probably be right.