I am dreading xmas day.. any ideas?
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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I am dreading xmas day.. any ideas?
We are going home for Xmas to stay with my family (myself and my 3 children). First time home at Xmas in 5 years. Xmas day will be one huge party with parents, brothers, nièces and nephews. From the moment we wake up to champagne and freshly squeezed orange, to amazing wine at lunch washed down by liquer coffees, through to a couple of beers in front of a good Xmas film at night.
I am trying to tell myself how wonderful it will be to find ourselves as one big family for Xmas but deep down I am honestly dreading it. I am nearly 40 days sober. Everything is going well for me. I am on top of things and I don't want anything to set me back. But the thought of being surrounded by drink and festivities is really stressing me out. It will be the first time that I have been around drink since I commited to getting sober.
I have been thinking about how to handle things. One of my ideas is to tell my Mum that I am going to be in charge of the kitchen for once so that she can enjoy her day so that I get to barely sit down at the table... hopefully I will be too busy running in and out looking after people.
Other option to feign an illness and "lay down for a few hours" Which would make eveyone sad particularly my parents and children.
I know it probably sounds silly. But I want to avoid sitting down at the table. My family all enjoy a good few drinks at Xmas.. although none of them are alcoholics... and they all think I just enjoy a drink too.. they do not see enough of me to have seen the extent of my drinking.
I have no problem telling them that I simply don't want to drink. They would respect that no questions asked. It is myself I don't trust at the moment so early on into this sober journey.
Any ideas about how to get through the day safe and sound would be much appreciated.
Please don't suggest that I cancel the trip. I would not even consider this as an option.
I am trying to tell myself how wonderful it will be to find ourselves as one big family for Xmas but deep down I am honestly dreading it. I am nearly 40 days sober. Everything is going well for me. I am on top of things and I don't want anything to set me back. But the thought of being surrounded by drink and festivities is really stressing me out. It will be the first time that I have been around drink since I commited to getting sober.
I have been thinking about how to handle things. One of my ideas is to tell my Mum that I am going to be in charge of the kitchen for once so that she can enjoy her day so that I get to barely sit down at the table... hopefully I will be too busy running in and out looking after people.
Other option to feign an illness and "lay down for a few hours" Which would make eveyone sad particularly my parents and children.
I know it probably sounds silly. But I want to avoid sitting down at the table. My family all enjoy a good few drinks at Xmas.. although none of them are alcoholics... and they all think I just enjoy a drink too.. they do not see enough of me to have seen the extent of my drinking.
I have no problem telling them that I simply don't want to drink. They would respect that no questions asked. It is myself I don't trust at the moment so early on into this sober journey.
Any ideas about how to get through the day safe and sound would be much appreciated.
Please don't suggest that I cancel the trip. I would not even consider this as an option.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Oh my goodness, I could have written your post a couple years ago. Almost to the word!
Well I could give you a timeline of good things then god awful things to do, but I'll spare ya.
I am from California, but I live in the Midwest and travel home for Christmas every year. Like you, my normie family knew I liked to drink but had no idea I had a problem, let alone the extent of it. I was in noooo hurry to tell them either. So for a couple of years, I would relapse when there. Until once, I couldn't "control" it. Embarrassing incident ensued. Now most of my family knows. That made things a little easier in terms of telling them, but trust me it's not a method to repeat.
The ones that weren't there for the incident of 2010 now know that I don't drink, but don't necessarily know why. It took me a long time to tell the ones I have, on a case by case basis. I'm no longer ashamed of the truth. I don't bring it up either.
You'd be surprised how many loved ones are fine with a simple "no thanks" when they offer booze. There's no need to elaborate, unless it's what you want. If you aren't ready to tell the truth yet, you can tell them you are on antibiotics or something.
In terms of you craving, do you have a program or face to face support? If you have a sponsor, that's a great person to keep in touch with over the holiday. I texted with my sponsor every day my first sober Christmas break.
You can do this!
Well I could give you a timeline of good things then god awful things to do, but I'll spare ya.
I am from California, but I live in the Midwest and travel home for Christmas every year. Like you, my normie family knew I liked to drink but had no idea I had a problem, let alone the extent of it. I was in noooo hurry to tell them either. So for a couple of years, I would relapse when there. Until once, I couldn't "control" it. Embarrassing incident ensued. Now most of my family knows. That made things a little easier in terms of telling them, but trust me it's not a method to repeat.
The ones that weren't there for the incident of 2010 now know that I don't drink, but don't necessarily know why. It took me a long time to tell the ones I have, on a case by case basis. I'm no longer ashamed of the truth. I don't bring it up either.
You'd be surprised how many loved ones are fine with a simple "no thanks" when they offer booze. There's no need to elaborate, unless it's what you want. If you aren't ready to tell the truth yet, you can tell them you are on antibiotics or something.
In terms of you craving, do you have a program or face to face support? If you have a sponsor, that's a great person to keep in touch with over the holiday. I texted with my sponsor every day my first sober Christmas break.
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 852
It sounds like a nice family environment. I'd spend the time catching up with family and spending time with them...and not drinking.
I'd just kindly decline any alcohol offers and not think about it too much. When you leave that night and you're sober it will be a huge win. Aim for that and good luck.
I'd just kindly decline any alcohol offers and not think about it too much. When you leave that night and you're sober it will be a huge win. Aim for that and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 122
Things I do.
Look at my phone and sober recovery a lot. Just go lay down in the room and watch TV. Tell them "No thanks" and play with your phone some more.
BUT the 800 pound gorilla in the room needs to be addressed.
"Please don't suggest that I cancel the trip. I would not even consider this as an option."
I remember when I was newly sober, or tried to sober up previously that I would say the same thing "I can't not go, it's not an option". In order for me to keep my sobriety, this had to become an option. I can tell you from experience that the soon you put it on your options list the better. Now sometimes, it's my first option!
"Nope I don't want to go because of all the drinking" is a pretty dang good reason for people like us.
Look at my phone and sober recovery a lot. Just go lay down in the room and watch TV. Tell them "No thanks" and play with your phone some more.
BUT the 800 pound gorilla in the room needs to be addressed.
"Please don't suggest that I cancel the trip. I would not even consider this as an option."
I remember when I was newly sober, or tried to sober up previously that I would say the same thing "I can't not go, it's not an option". In order for me to keep my sobriety, this had to become an option. I can tell you from experience that the soon you put it on your options list the better. Now sometimes, it's my first option!
"Nope I don't want to go because of all the drinking" is a pretty dang good reason for people like us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Originally Posted by redneckrecovery 
Things I do.
Look at my phone and sober recovery a lot. Just go lay down in the room and watch TV. Tell them "No thanks" and play with your phone some more.
BUT the 800 pound gorilla in the room needs to be addressed.
"Please don't suggest that I cancel the trip. I would not even consider this as an option."
I remember when I was newly sober, or tried to sober up previously that I would say the same thing "I can't not go, it's not an option". In order for me to keep my sobriety, this had to become an option. I can tell you from experience that the soon you put it on your options list the better. Now sometimes, it's my first option! "Nope I don't want to go because of all the drinking" is a pretty dang good reason for people like us.
Look at my phone and sober recovery a lot. Just go lay down in the room and watch TV. Tell them "No thanks" and play with your phone some more.
BUT the 800 pound gorilla in the room needs to be addressed.
"Please don't suggest that I cancel the trip. I would not even consider this as an option."
I remember when I was newly sober, or tried to sober up previously that I would say the same thing "I can't not go, it's not an option". In order for me to keep my sobriety, this had to become an option. I can tell you from experience that the soon you put it on your options list the better. Now sometimes, it's my first option!
"Nope I don't want to go because of all the drinking" is a pretty dang good reason for people like us.I agree that most social occasions should be avoided when we are working on sobriety. But not family times. Without family we have nothing. And my children deserve to know their grandparents and vice versa.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Originally Posted by wehav2day
Oh my goodness, I could have written your post a couple years ago. Almost to the word!
Well I could give you a timeline of good things then god awful things to do, but I'll spare ya.
I am from California, but I live in the Midwest and travel home for Christmas every year. Like you, my normie family knew I liked to drink but had no idea I had a problem, let alone the extent of it. I was in noooo hurry to tell them either. So for a couple of years, I would relapse when there. Until once, I couldn't "control" it. Embarrassing incident ensued. Now most of my family knows. That made things a little easier in terms of telling them, but trust me it's not a method to repeat.
The ones that weren't there for the incident of 2010 now know that I don't drink, but don't necessarily know why. It took me a long time to tell the ones I have, on a case by case basis. I'm no longer ashamed of the truth. I don't bring it up either.
You'd be surprised how many loved ones are fine with a simple "no thanks" when they offer booze. There's no need to elaborate, unless it's what you want. If you aren't ready to tell the truth yet, you can tell them you are on antibiotics or something.
In terms of you craving, do you have a program or face to face support? If you have a sponsor, that's a great person to keep in touch with over the holiday. I texted with my sponsor every day my first sober Christmas break.
You can do this!
Well I could give you a timeline of good things then god awful things to do, but I'll spare ya.
I am from California, but I live in the Midwest and travel home for Christmas every year. Like you, my normie family knew I liked to drink but had no idea I had a problem, let alone the extent of it. I was in noooo hurry to tell them either. So for a couple of years, I would relapse when there. Until once, I couldn't "control" it. Embarrassing incident ensued. Now most of my family knows. That made things a little easier in terms of telling them, but trust me it's not a method to repeat.
The ones that weren't there for the incident of 2010 now know that I don't drink, but don't necessarily know why. It took me a long time to tell the ones I have, on a case by case basis. I'm no longer ashamed of the truth. I don't bring it up either.
You'd be surprised how many loved ones are fine with a simple "no thanks" when they offer booze. There's no need to elaborate, unless it's what you want. If you aren't ready to tell the truth yet, you can tell them you are on antibiotics or something.
In terms of you craving, do you have a program or face to face support? If you have a sponsor, that's a great person to keep in touch with over the holiday. I texted with my sponsor every day my first sober Christmas break.
You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
I understand that you have compelling and good reasons to make that trip.
You can do this, Fabat; you can get through Christmas Day and the holidays sober. I really like your idea of being in charge of the kitchen duties; it will keep you very busy.
Be sure to have plenty of your sober beverage nearby and in hand.
Do you have the SR app on your phone? If so, log-in frequently for support.
Most importantly, keep sober thoughts firmly in your mind; remind yourself frequently how important your sobriety is to you; how proud you are of yourself; how very important the gift of sobriety is to you and your family.
You can do this.
You can do this, Fabat; you can get through Christmas Day and the holidays sober. I really like your idea of being in charge of the kitchen duties; it will keep you very busy.
Be sure to have plenty of your sober beverage nearby and in hand.
Do you have the SR app on your phone? If so, log-in frequently for support.
Most importantly, keep sober thoughts firmly in your mind; remind yourself frequently how important your sobriety is to you; how proud you are of yourself; how very important the gift of sobriety is to you and your family.
You can do this.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
OK, this will probably be frond upon by some some, but are there any social events where there will be alcohol prior to the event at your parents you can go to where it's easy for you to leave at a moments notice if the cravings get bad?
I found that the big problem is with me and all the self talk I have about what others might think about me. People at the events really didn't care whether I was drinking or not. It took me a couple of events to realize that and for me to get comfortable around people who are drinking. I'm sure this won't work for everyone so you'll have to evaluate your comfort level with it.
I found that the big problem is with me and all the self talk I have about what others might think about me. People at the events really didn't care whether I was drinking or not. It took me a couple of events to realize that and for me to get comfortable around people who are drinking. I'm sure this won't work for everyone so you'll have to evaluate your comfort level with it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
One thing to consider is that there will most likely be people there that are not drinking all day, and probably some that aren't drinking at all. I used to think that everyone drank at our family outings too, but now I notice that it was mostly just because I hung around with the people that WERE drinking. It was really must me obsessing about it...which is the case with most alcholics in the early stages.
Have a backup plan....sneak off to log on and check SR for example. Or go take a walk away from the house if you feel tempted.
The bottom line is that picking up that first drink is a choice....and you can also choose to not pick one up.
Have a backup plan....sneak off to log on and check SR for example. Or go take a walk away from the house if you feel tempted.
The bottom line is that picking up that first drink is a choice....and you can also choose to not pick one up.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
I think letting them know in advance would help them to support you, and ensure that they don't peer pressure you into drinking the day of. Bring some non-A drinks and have a backup plan - a book to read maybe? Something you can do if you must escape. If it's too much just beg off early to bed. You can even make a game out of it, see who says the most inappropriate things or whatever. Notice how nobody really gets more funny after a few drinks even if they think so
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I agree with your view on family first all the more reason to not drink. But IF you think you might not be able to hack then yeah denying them all the joy of having you there possibly loosing your sobriety would indeed be better long term. But it's also a golden opportunity to face a challenge that your going to have to face and beat sooner or later. They say drinking is selfish but getting sober was the most selfish thing I had to do. If you gotta step out for some me time to remain sober by all means do so. I'd agree to ru. Any errand that needs to be ran. I would not pour or serve the booze.
It won't be easy but the first sober Christmas ain't easy no matter the circumstance an alcoholic can always find an excuse to drink.
It won't be easy but the first sober Christmas ain't easy no matter the circumstance an alcoholic can always find an excuse to drink.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
There are some good tips here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...val-guide.html
Fair enough, but just for others reading...
I did exactly that my first Christmas sober...My Family gave me a little grief but it was all forgotten subsequent Chistmasses.
D
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...val-guide.html
Please don't suggest that I cancel the trip. I would not even consider this as an option.
I did exactly that my first Christmas sober...My Family gave me a little grief but it was all forgotten subsequent Chistmasses.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by Fabat50
And deprive my young children from spending time with their grandparents and family? We live in different countries. Why should my family pay the price for my alcoholism? And I am pretty sure that if I cancel the trip, pass up seeing my family, pass up seeing the joy of my parents being with their grandchildren and vice versa then the chances of me drinking at Xmas will be much higher than being in the nest with my family.
I agree that most social occasions should be avoided when we are working on sobriety. But not family times. Without family we have nothing. And my children deserve to know their grandparents and vice versa.
I agree that most social occasions should be avoided when we are working on sobriety. But not family times. Without family we have nothing. And my children deserve to know their grandparents and vice versa.
Also "why should my family pay the price for my alcoholism" I want you to write that on a piece of paper and read it before you take a drink at christmas. Right now your using it as an excuse to live life on your terms, its going to be a completely different context at christmas!
Happy Holidays!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
You are in charge of the day this year...Do you actually NEED to include all these things??...
wake up to champagne and freshly squeezed orange
amazing wine at lunch
liquer coffees after lunch
beers in front of a good Xmas film at night
You might find that the people who aren't so fussed about drinking, wouldn't BE fussed about not having ALL of these things and would prefer an alcohol free alternative if it means having a sober you. Why not have an honest chat (and make sure she understands it's a confidential one ) with your mum and see what she thinks.
wake up to champagne and freshly squeezed orange
amazing wine at lunch
liquer coffees after lunch
beers in front of a good Xmas film at night
You might find that the people who aren't so fussed about drinking, wouldn't BE fussed about not having ALL of these things and would prefer an alcohol free alternative if it means having a sober you. Why not have an honest chat (and make sure she understands it's a confidential one ) with your mum and see what she thinks.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Originally Posted by redneckrecovery
Oohhh i remember all the times I got sober before. I was masterful and finding excuses to drink. Good job, you've listed 8!
Also "why should my family pay the price for my alcoholism" I want you to write that on a piece of paper and read it before you take a drink at christmas. Right now your using it as an excuse to live life on your terms, its going to be a completely different context at christmas!
Happy Holidays!!!
Also "why should my family pay the price for my alcoholism" I want you to write that on a piece of paper and read it before you take a drink at christmas. Right now your using it as an excuse to live life on your terms, its going to be a completely different context at christmas!
Happy Holidays!!!
If you reread my post I came here looking for advice and ideas in anticipation so that I do not drink. Anticipating danger situations is part of my plan.
I am 40 days sober and have been working my butt off.
I would like to be clear with everyone who has suggested or intimated that I should not go or that the Xmas day programme should be changed
Everyone is entitled to dealing with their journey THEIR way. There is not a "one solution fits all " mould. I personally believe that as alcoholics it is up to us to deal with our demons and find solutions, techniques and coping stratégies to stay sober and not to expect the rest of the world to change their habits or lose out because of our problems.
As I have said in past threads, I live in Southern Europe.. drinking especially wine and local apperitifs is just a daily part of live EVERYWHERE. I can't stay at home and become a hermit. I have children a job and am a single Mum. Instead of avoiding the world I want to deal with it head on.
I do not need to justify my decision to go home and spend Xmas with my family but these are the facts:
My parents are elderly and becoming frail. I never know if each time I see my Dad will be my last.
They live in another country and see my 3 children rarely. The last Xmas we spent together was 5 years ago.
I am not in charge of the day. My parents and my Aunt are. the hosts.
The Xmas day follows a tradition that we have had since we are children. My family are pretty much wine connaisseurs and the suggestion of a Xmas day without wine would be ridiculous. It is the day of the year they open all their best bottles and sniff and ooh and aah. And yes my brothers like a couple of pints together. They see each other rarely and it is part of their camaraderie habits.
If I suggested a NO ALCOHOL XMAS DAY BECAUSE I AM IN THE EARLY DAYS OF SOBRIETY THEN OF COURSE my family would say "OK". They are sensible people and they love me. (Sorry caps were an erreur there)
But my point is. I don't want to do that. Why should I? I want to do this myself and not expect other people to change for me. If wanting to spend a rare moment with my wider family is my priority then accept it. Don't judge me. Help me.
One other thing. I am not in AA, I don't work the steps, I don't really know what the big book is, I don't have a sponsor and I don't go to any meetings. I am doing this my way, with my Drs, rehab specialists, medication and meditation and yes I have a plan. And actively spending more time with my family and friends, finding myself again instead of hiding away with a bottle on my own, is a key part of my plan.
I am really pissed with this comment.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi Fabat - you asked for input and you got it - some of it may not resonate with you and some of it may tick you off...but that's fine - thats the nature of forums.
In the end ultimately it's your call
That was a really spirited and lengthy defence of going and not making any allowance for being alcoholic...Christmas is a really tough time for alcoholics early in recovery - don't make things super tough on yourself, ok?
I didn't mean to upset you, & I hope I haven't but by the same token I can only give what I feel is good advice.
I spent many years trying not to upset anyone and I always ended up drinking.
I forgot that I was important too.
Don't do that
The link to the thread I posted has some good ideas for social occasions.
Wishing you the best
D
In the end ultimately it's your call
That was a really spirited and lengthy defence of going and not making any allowance for being alcoholic...Christmas is a really tough time for alcoholics early in recovery - don't make things super tough on yourself, ok?
I didn't mean to upset you, & I hope I haven't but by the same token I can only give what I feel is good advice.
I spent many years trying not to upset anyone and I always ended up drinking.
I forgot that I was important too.
Don't do that
The link to the thread I posted has some good ideas for social occasions.
Wishing you the best
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
You didn't upset me Dee. It was the poster who said that I have "found 8 excuses to drink" who really pressed my buttons.
Yes I did ask for input. But my post clearly stated that I was looking for input with regards to how to deal with the day. Not input telling me I should cancel my trip.
Who knows it may go belly up and I'll be back here crying in January with a hangover.
Only time will tell.
Yes I did ask for input. But my post clearly stated that I was looking for input with regards to how to deal with the day. Not input telling me I should cancel my trip.
Who knows it may go belly up and I'll be back here crying in January with a hangover.
Only time will tell.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I think it's important to think positively. Make a plan, think about likely scenarios - find and use support...have an exit strategy even if it's just going into another room or for a walk etc...
I look forward to your success post in January
D
I look forward to your success post in January
D
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Sorry if this is unwanted advice.
How about telling everyone the truth and not going. Is one Christmas worth your life?
Sobriety requires some tough choices but my family has come to accept my limitations and prefer me alive and sober even if that means the occasional absence
How about telling everyone the truth and not going. Is one Christmas worth your life?
Sobriety requires some tough choices but my family has come to accept my limitations and prefer me alive and sober even if that means the occasional absence
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