Dying and Death
 

For those of you who have been following my stories in the past year or so may remember that I have been dealing with some difficult losses during this second sober year of mine... (even if we don't count our beloved RobbyRobot into "my losses", I still miss him a lot and think of him often).

Well, there is one more to add to the series, and I feel this is a little weird since I did not even know the person well... but indirectly we ended up connecting through something that was very meaningful to me: my childhood home. Here is the story from a little while ago:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...treatment.html

I just heard this morning that this young woman (early 30's) passed away last weekend. They bought my house in my home country not even two months ago. I already knew that she had terminal cancer at the time but they really wanted the house and seemed so excited about it... I kept in touch and knew that they did some quick renovations and moved in shortly after we closed the deal. Apparently she did not even have 2 weeks to enjoy it... She struggled with what started out as breast cancer for a while, lots of treatments, to no avail. I imagine, given her young age, that she might have had a genetic predisposition and it was caught late...

I really did not expect myself to feel this way as a response to the news but I'm just so utterly devastated, even came home after a meeting at work this morning because I just can't seem to hold myself. I guess it's the accumulation of all these deaths in my life lately: my 84 year old father, my unborn child, and now this 30something woman whose family bought my old home. It is true that after a while these losses and the power of grief tend to accumulate, one event brings the other back and they seem to have additive effect.

I really don't want to sound like whining or self pity, there are certainly lots of great things in my life, but for some reason I felt like posting about it given that I had been telling you all about all these events (including what lead up to them) here on the forum over time. I don't feel like drinking or anything... guess I just want to get it out of my chest here since I'll be spending all day today alone at home.

Thanks for listening :grouphug:

I am sorry for your loss. :hug:

Sorry for your loss.

Very sorry to hear that Aellyce. Life can be so fragile and it's really sad to see it taken away from those we know, especially so young. I think talking about it and sharing is a good idea, taking strength from others in our time of need is the key to not just sobriety but life. My thoughts are with you, your family and the family of the woman you knew.

I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with all this, Aellyce. It is good to come here and unload it instead of carrying around all that pain inside. Wishing you well...

Sorry for your loss Aellyce

One of my friends, a very sensitive person with a history of addictions (in recovery for years now), who experienced a great variety of losses in her life including a recent one, expressed it this way a few days ago: "I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but any loss seems to trigger this feeling of staring into an abyss, of being alone and disconnected and lonely forever".

I do not really relate to this eternal and absolute loneliness anymore the way I used to. There were times in my life in the past when it would be a very fitting description and I spent way too much time delving into it. Today, I recognize the remnants of that reaction in me: my mind is flooded by these dark, pessimistic thoughts that I used to perceive as interesting philosophical ideas about life and death and everything in between... and then the thought that I should be over these things by now, can't just indulge in them over and over and over again, what is the point? That this type of thinking and feeling state is a defense: endlessly intellectualizing what cannot truly be put into words or into perspective, or perhaps cannot even be understood in any useful form. So I try to keep myself from escaping into those thoughts and philosophies (that were my "safe haven" for so long, to numb me really) now. Instead, I am trying to see and feel it for what it is, without transforming and conceptualizing. It's really not easy even with what, I believe, is a considerable level of awareness now.

Anyhow, I've just decided that I will try to compartmentalize these states: let myself dive into these realms of thoughts and feelings today, as I have nothing else to do, but won't allow the same space to them from tomorrow again otherwise it's just the same old current I know far too well already; the same old "undertow" that led me into escaping, into obsessive thoughts and emotions, into addictions. But I think it's good to give them a bit of limited space at times, in the moment.

It's been a tough year for you in lots of ways - and a lot of changes Aellyce.
I'm sorry this has hit you hard but I'm not surprised.

I ponder the way of life death and the Universe too - I can't find reason in the things that happen sometimes. It seems random and cruel.

I'm sure your buyer was happy in buying the house tho and I hope she had at least some happy moments in those last few weeks.

Musing too much tho can be counterproductive - I'm glad you realise that :hug:

D

Quite, Aellyce.

Aellyce hang in there time has a way of healing things. Its been the year of death in my house as well. Lucky for me its been ok My wife however has had a tough time of it as it was all on her side of the family. Now we are dealing with another simlier issue too and its pretty difficult.

Its probably easier for me to say as like I said for some reason I'm personally not being yanked very emotionaly through it all (maybe i'm broken i dunno) but I do know things will pass it'll ease up. Thankfully these emotions are transient and better times will come.

Aellyce 8+ yrs ago nearly two years sober (aa) my father had died 4yrs before 40yrs off booze aa , found out my father had being abusing my daughter since age 7- 13 and my younger brother had raped her when she was 13 yrs old .

My wife had total nervous breakdown , them my daughter same thing , I was the ''strong ''one who held it all together . Counselling for wife and daughter then I had complete breakdown , then within 2 years I was sectioned by the mental health act and hospitalized 3 times in a ''locked ward '' knives forks all plastic , mental institutions are something else . Diagnosed with Bi Polar condition , very heavy medication for a very long time .

Sexually abused as child , disfunctional alcoholic home ,, mother ''incapable ''of showing affection /love , she died 7 years ago and I was 63 years of age and ''not once ''had she ever told me she loved me , very painful emotionally .

Today I am ''drug free '' for 13 months , daughter and my wife are doing well , I am doing well . Sometimes I bump into aa members and some have said to me '' oh your father was a wonderful example '' I simply say ''no he was a dry drunk '' end of story . Been at meetings recently ,listened to someone feeling like drinking cause their''cat had died '' oh well.

I felt sorry for myself for short periods through these trying times and sometimes thought '' why me '' ''poor me '' when will this ever end ,it wasn't easy . Some smartass said to me ''why not you '' ? you know they were right ,only thing I was promised was sobriety ''nothing else '' I had to learn to rise above and move on and face life on life's terms , it isn't easy at times but acceptance is the answer to any outside problems affecting me ''personally ''.

We are all human with human feelings , me ? I had to learn to toughen up and move on in life . There is ''always ''someone worse off , take care .

Regards .
Stevie .
Sobriety date 12 03 2006 . Words are easy , music is a lot harder .

and I have been feeling "sorry" for myself because my daughter isn't speaking to me. What hardships you have lived through and have continued sobriety! Real heroes here. Thank you for sharing your stories.

I'll spend this Christmas with my new family, and that is great, I try to get engaged as much as possible.

But I still miss my dad and the relationship we had so much... it's like saying goodbye to all of the years of encouragement (him>me), understanding (me>him), transference (for those of you who like psycholgy),... I can't even describe appropriatly how and in which ways I miss him.

One of the ultimate benefits of sobriety, though it doesn't seem so at the time, is that we begin to have feelings again.In early days and even years, they often come strongly, more strongly than a "normal" human feeling, and sometimes we don't even know what they are. Feelings of grief and loss can be very powerful, uncontrollable at times.

But feelings of empathy for the people of the world, I am often moved by remote events, seem to be quite miraculous and directly opposite to the self centred instinct driven life I used to lead.

Death is part of life, and dealing with the deaths of others has been part of my journey as it will be for everyone else sooner or later. I lost my father, wife, sponsor, and my best friend. All to cancer. I have sat with dying alcoholics and heard their stories.

My emotional reactions are changing. This is hard to explain, but I think the grief I have been feeling about my loss and the sadness I feel at the idea that anyone has to die, is becoming more balanced and I am able to focus less on how I am feeling and more on what I can do to help the dying person. Less about me and more about them might be a good way of putting it. You might say I am getting better at handling situations that used to baffle me.

Hey friends,

This is just for fun, for the holidays :)

David Fincher's movie character Lisbeth Salander has always been one I've identified with. More than with the respective Stieg Larsson novel actually, but I love the works of both artists.




The second one -- I just bleached my eyebrows for the first time (they are normally dark brown and I like the natural color). I have long auburn colored hair and looking in the mirror, it seems pretty weird with subtle eye makeup even when I put my hair up. Will wear a dark green dress for the family get together tonight and a deep blue one for Christmas Day.

All this silliness... sorry guys :) It's just fun for me now.

Have an interesting, relaxing and peaceful Holiday, friends :)

Merry Christmas Aellyce :)