Mentium

I'm 65 years old and I have had a drinking problem since I was in my mid to late 20s.

I'm an only child in a family that moved around a lot when I was a kid. I went to 14 schools in all and ended up shy and socially awkward, always keeping myself a bit aloof from others. I never made friends easily and still don't.

In my college years I smoked a lot of dope. I was away from home – my parents still living abroad and I developed what I now believe to be cannabis induced psychosis. It was relatively mild as the condition goes, but it resulted in a element of paranoia and a great deal of anxiety. The anxiety was at times completely crippling and left me curled up on a sofa my arms wrapped around me, trying to stop my anxious thoughts.

I discovered that alcohol handled the anxiety pretty well. The mental anguish that came with the condition lasted into my early thirties, though thankfully the paranoia eased off after two or three monstrously difficult years.

Despite all that I managed to get two degrees by the time I was 28 and later on an MA and then a further post grad qualification. I did OK with my chosen career and was successful, as these things are measured I suppose, reaching the top of my particular greasy pole by the end of my career – one that ended five years ago as I applied for early retirement.

I drank all thorough those years, which included two marriages and a third long term relationship, which I am in now. I had two children, both of who are grown up and doing well. I love them both and we are close, which is a blessing.

I drank to relax and to suppress anxiety. And then of course I drank because I became addicted to alcohol. As these things are measured the amount I drank was on the moderate side, as dependent drinking goes. Four cans of beer a night for many years and a bottle and a half of wine in later years. Whatever the amount it was problem drinking- dependent drinking.

I have tried to stop drinking many times. I have had periods ranging from a year here, six months there and last year a further 10 months. To do this I used methods ranging from self control and will power, to counselling and several times AA, an organisation I ultimately grew to mistrust and dislike intensely, which is not to dismiss the help it has given many people.

I don't know if I had it in me to quit for good using the resources I have in the past. I know I don't very much like or feel comfortable with the me – the mental and internal me that emerges once I am sober for a while. Not my personality - I think I am kind and a decent human being. I am tolerant, forgiving and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. I have never had what AA refers to as 'resentments'. Alcohol however has made me weaker than I should be. Less tough when it counts than I should be. The 'me' that I don't like when I am sober for long periods is simply a rather tenser and more anxious person than I am when I drink. My whole 'self' tightens up ever so slightly and I never truly relax.

A few months ago I stumbled upon Olivier Ameisen's The End of My Addiction. It was an eye opener to put it mildly. Not just his personal journey with baclofen, but his views about alcohol addiction as a condition more widely. His view was that baclofen could stop the cravings associated with addictive drinking. Having read his book and his testament I thought it was worth a try.

I built up the dose as advised and ten days ago I stopped drinking. I currently have no desire to drink at all.

I also discovered SMART Recovery. They hold on-line meetings which I now attend two or three times a week. There is also a face to face meeting just about within reach - well 80 miles away! Maybe one Friday I will make the effort to get there!

I am not recommending or condoning any particular medication - any more than people report that Antabuse or campral have been helpful but in my case baclofen seems to have made a difference.

It is early days and we shall see how it goes no doubt. I'm glad to be here and I have hope. I have hope that it is never too late.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing your story so far - best wishes for continued success

D

Fly N Buy

It would seem you have resentments against alcohol, perhaps = Alcohol however has made me weaker than I should be. Less tough when it counts than I should be.


Also, it's not uncommon to have resentments against ourselves = The 'me' that I don't like when I am sober for long periods is simply a rather tenser and more anxious person than I am when I drink. My whole 'self' tightens up ever so slightly and I never truly relax.

Have you ever thought of the possibility you owe amends to yourself??


Lastly, you may be the first person I know who has had two divorces and no resentments. Amazing.....

Thanks for posting part of your story

ScottFromWI

I am glad you have you have found a plan that works for you, thank you for sharing. I think it also reinforced the point that not only can addiction hit us at any time in our life, but we can also make the necessary changes to overcome at any time/age.

Soberwolf

Glad your with us Mentium

Mentium

I understand the term 'resentments' as used in AA to mean somewhat obsessive rumination over real and often imagined hurt that we think other people have done to you. And the focus on those is because people can 'drink over' such issues.

I am very pissed off that I have wasted so much of my life obsessing about alcohol and I resent that it in the literal meaning of the word, but I don't I think in the way AA use the term.

As to my ex- wives. Well one died, sadly in her early 50s and though the divorce was acrimonious I never really dwelled on it. As to the second - well we are still good friends!

I am actually very lucky to have gotten away with as much as I have during a life of alcohol dependency. Very lucky indeed.

Thanks all for your comments!

Hawkeye13

Really glad to see you back and sober M
Wishing you the best and please keep us updated how you are

zjw

thats a pretty interesting point. I can think back to when i was younger and he one time i didnt have much socialization issues it seems was when i had gotten settled into a school for once but that was short lived. then i suffered from simlier issues like yourself and was changing schools etc.. always struggling to socialize.

makes me think friendships and relationships are more grown into for me and if that growth is screwed with well they never materialize and my chance for some personal growth out of it is then gone.

Your right it is never too late. You are also never too old.

I see folks say all the time I'm too old to this i'm to old to that. BS never too old theres people in there 80s' running marathons etc.. never too old!

Fly N Buy

I won't belabor the point and wish you the best - just don' t like to see people in pain.

I am curious, as you harbor strong feelings against AA as an institution (I'd suggest considering maybe it's specific people or a group that make you feel this way) - You stated several times(tried) AA. Did you ever do step work with a qualified sponsor or simply attend meetings?

With you insight a 4th step inventory might be a remarkable journey for you. Perhaps you've attempted this before? I'd ask again - have you done this with a sponsor who knows what they are doing?

Best of luck friend and whatever works, works......
Glad you're with us and posting!

trachemys

Funny, I'm twice divorced and have no real acrimony for them. I really don't have any feelings for them any more. I see my first wife occasionally with a hi, that's it. One of my sisters follows my second wife's life for some reason. Tell's me about it occasionally.

My main reason for responding was your thread title made me think of an old Steppenwolf song. One of the most powerful songs of my life.

advbike

Thanks for your post Mentium, I'm 60, and have a similar story in many ways. From the early pot use, which exacerbated my anxiety, to the drinking and self medicating for decades. Even completing a higher education and having a successful career. But I was never really happy, often alone, and struggled to quit for more than 20 years.

I managed to finally quit drinking over two years ago, but it took a combination of AA, a therapist, SR.. and reading a lot of books (mostly about ego) to do it. My biggest problem is my faulty perceptions and coping mechanisms, from a traumatic childhood, combined with a very active ego, which is always telling me false stories based on those faulty perceptions. I also carry a lot of guilt and shame, which created further impetus to drink.

Like you, I also found fault with AA and others. I wasn't like them, lol. And I never thought I had any resentments, until this past year they've started bubbling to the surface. Wow. I buried a lot of things with those 4-5 microbrews or glasses of wine alone on the deck every evening, lol. Only now am I realizing what was going on for so many years. But like you, I feel it's never too late to change and grow, and find happiness.

Carlotta

Glad you are back and sober Mentium and that you are attending SMART.
Hopefully that approach is the one which will really click for you.
You can do it!!!!

Mentium

I won't belabour the point either as I don't want to bash AA for the sake of it, but you make the point for me by indicating that Step four (making a serious moral inventory) might be helpful. When I wonder, did morality and addiction become intertwined? AA insists you suffer from a disease one moment and the next tells you that your morals are in question. It is one of many internal contradictions. I actually liked many of the people in my local group(s). They were good and kind for the most part as well as sincere and well intentioned. However the were also often subject to what I can only think of as cult thinking at times.

Anyway as I say - I've no wish to pursue this line any further - here anyway.

JeffreyAK

A fellow in my last medical treatment group was 75, had a lifetime of drinking behind him, and fell down the hole after his wife passed away and he found himself with too much unsupervised empty retirement time on his hands. He quit, too. It really never is too late, and it doesn't matter how many times folks have tried in the past, because that's all the past.

ImReadyToQuit

Good to see you are doing well Mentium.. I'm still a happy sober person thanks to a desire to stop, a great family and Baclofen.

Fly N Buy

Searching and fearless inventory .....

Best of luck

Mucer1962

Inspiring and I guess there are lot of things to learn from you.

Have a great day!