SusanE

If you were so awful, you wouldn't care about whom you hurt.

Recovery999

Nothing feels fixable

least

Most things are fixable. Sometimes you need help tho. I hope you can get the help you need so you won't feel this crushing despair.

ScottFromWI

Fortunately the way things feel aren't always the way they are. You mentioned at the beginning of this thread that you were going to call for treament...did you? That would be a great way to get started.

Recovery999

I can't do it right now. I'm at work and someone is watching me every minute of every day, so I can't leave to make a phone call.

Recovery999

I'm calling some crisis case manager person at 8am. Don't know what they're going to do but the suicide hotline people told me to call them.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like a good plan. Just be honest and let them help however they can.

Dee74

I hope you get the help you're looking for recovery999

D

Choicy

I'm thinking hopeful thoughts for you, and acknowledging how awesome you are for putting it right out here. You are necessary.

Recovery999

The case manager was helpful, but her main job is to enroll me in the VA, and that's not really an option because the VA is far away. However, she mentioned that they help veterans get new/different jobs so that might be of use.

It's good to know I might qualify for some care at the VA for when I leave my job.

I went to look at some county properties for tax sale. The majority of them were not even an option (many have been torn down years ago), but there were three I really liked; one in particular. That's my plan, to buy a house with cash and then sell my house and then live on the cheap as I go back to school. All of this is going to take an extra job, however each night I want to go find that extra job, someone or something manages to upset me to the point where I can't go (and this is getting REALLY old, because I need the money). Anyway, my friend offered to lend me the money and I will pay her back when I can. I just need to figure out which house is actually for sale (don't even get me started on that) and habitable.

otter

You may want to look into what your employer has to offer as far as support. I worked a pretty lowly distribution center job a couple years ago and even they offered a hot line for things like losing a family member, depression, drug & alcohol abuse. I'm pretty sure it's illegal for your employer to fire you if you're seeking help for an addiction or depression etc.

Check out the papers of benefits from HR. I'll bet there's a phone number you can call for advice on getting help through work anonymously. Just throwing out an option I haven't seen mentioned yet.

Good Luck!

ScottFromWI

I hope you can find the help you need.

Regarding your plans to move, do you think it's wise to make such a major financial commitment at this time and burden yourself further? Not quite sure why you need an extra job if you have enough cash to buy a house outright and still own a second home....would it not be better to invest in your health? Just some thoughts.

Recovery999

I don't have the money to buy the house. My friend would be lending it to me. Depending on which house I get, I will have to pay the back taxes and/or put some money into the place too.

I live in the Rust Belt, so buying a house here is dirt cheap. I figure I might as well take advantage of it? Then I can sell my house, get rid of the mortgage, and go back to school.

I have health insurance. I'm just not sure if they'd be willing to pay for the treatment a second time.

AS USUAL I can't call today because I'm going to be on a remote site visit with no service. Plus, the intake call is about 20 minutes of detailing your worst behaviors- not something I want my coworker to overhear.

ScottFromWI

To be quite honest I'd say that you probably need to take a hard look at your priorities. If you cannot take care of yourself first ( AKA..calling the treatment center ) then none of the other stuff really matters all that much, does it?

Recovery999

Even if I get approved for the treatment program, there's a 4-5 week wait list before I can start. Might as well make money during that time.

The more control I feel I have over my life (future- buying the house, finances, etc) the less severe my eating disorder is. Oddly enough, I've done very well with it over these last few days.

Recovery999

I CALLED TODAY! I do the intake appointment on January 12th.

There's no financial incentive to even work in my professions in January, and, to a lesser extent, February. Those months are HORRIBLE. I will make $20 at the restaurant when I would make $85 in the summer; at the bar you're literally begging for every dollar and customers are scarce. Why not just wait until summer, when people are everywhere and the money is easy to come by? I did the math, and I can make the same amount I need by the end of September if I start working in March or April.

ScottFromWI

Great news, I wish you the best on a good assessment and that you can move forward with whatever treatment they find appropriate and helpful.

Recovery999

So today is the big day. I'm doing it myself until I can start treatment (hopefully insurance agrees to it). Intake appt 1/12

Mountainmanbob

Wishing for you the very best.
M-Bob

FormerWineGirl

Wishing you health and happiness Recovery! You've made a positive step.