What to do when your sponsor relapses
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What to do when your sponsor relapses
I feel kind of rudderless if that makes sense. I'm not really one for meetings so most, if not all, of my support is online. There are a very few people in my real life that even know about my alcoholism, let alone understand it.
My sponsor was my rock, I'm still in contact with her but things feel very different now. She is worrying me in all sorts of ways, and the last time I spoke to her on the phone she was holed up in a hotel room and drinking heavily. She wouldn't tell me where she was and I think I'm a bit angry with her for telling me all sorts of things which have left me anxious about her safety, and now she has just gone back to living her life as though nothing has happened.
I know I can't change things or influence her, but I am just so worried for her. She leads a kind of double life. Her Facebook posts are a direct contrast to the life she described to me when she was drunk.
I need to take a little step back though I'm messaging her every day. I feel like I've been set adrift somehow. She continues to work with others and take them through the steps, but I'm not sure what steps she's taking to look after herself and get to the root of this.
I can always be strong when I need to be, but i feel sort of abandoned. I know that's a quite ridiculous way for a middle aged woman to feel and I need to get a grip. I can't use the same online support as I used to because she belongs to the same groups and people would guess. She hasn't been honest with many people and I'm not going to break confidentiality. That means I've had to leave certain groups.
Just feeling sad I guess. Sorry to be a misery.
My sponsor was my rock, I'm still in contact with her but things feel very different now. She is worrying me in all sorts of ways, and the last time I spoke to her on the phone she was holed up in a hotel room and drinking heavily. She wouldn't tell me where she was and I think I'm a bit angry with her for telling me all sorts of things which have left me anxious about her safety, and now she has just gone back to living her life as though nothing has happened.
I know I can't change things or influence her, but I am just so worried for her. She leads a kind of double life. Her Facebook posts are a direct contrast to the life she described to me when she was drunk.
I need to take a little step back though I'm messaging her every day. I feel like I've been set adrift somehow. She continues to work with others and take them through the steps, but I'm not sure what steps she's taking to look after herself and get to the root of this.
I can always be strong when I need to be, but i feel sort of abandoned. I know that's a quite ridiculous way for a middle aged woman to feel and I need to get a grip. I can't use the same online support as I used to because she belongs to the same groups and people would guess. She hasn't been honest with many people and I'm not going to break confidentiality. That means I've had to leave certain groups.
Just feeling sad I guess. Sorry to be a misery.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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One thing I noted in my time in AA is that keeping secrets about someone else's sobriety or slips seemed to be a thing. I didn't understand that. I could not play by those rules in AA.
Can you find another sponsor? I would not be able to work with her if she didn't come clean to the group. What does she say about why she hasn't talked openly about it to the group?
Can you find another sponsor? I would not be able to work with her if she didn't come clean to the group. What does she say about why she hasn't talked openly about it to the group?
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
One thing I noted in my time in AA is that keeping secrets about someone else's sobriety or slips seemed to be a thing. I didn't understand that. I could not play by those rules in AA.
Can you find another sponsor? I would not be able to work with her if she didn't come clean to the group. What does she say about why she hasn't talked openly about it to the group?
Can you find another sponsor? I would not be able to work with her if she didn't come clean to the group. What does she say about why she hasn't talked openly about it to the group?
Things just don't seem right. I'm not sure how to even go about getting another sponsor or if I even want one. I don't go to meetings or have real life support. She is a very special person to me.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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I'd agree with Bimini, you cannot control her actions and the repercussions of her actions ( or inaction ) is something she'll need to deal with herself.
Honestly if it were me I would simply tell her straight out that I didn't feel comfortable working with her as a sponsor anymore if she was drinking and covering it up. Remember, she's an alcoholic too, and not every alcoholic stays sober their entire life. And expect some backlash too, because as we all well know we DO NOT like people telling us what to do about our drinking, or making any suggestions about it.
It is certainly difficult to find a sponsor you like, but in this case it seems as though the relationship is hurting rather than helping you in your sobriety. I'd suggest trying to find a new one to work with if you can.
Honestly if it were me I would simply tell her straight out that I didn't feel comfortable working with her as a sponsor anymore if she was drinking and covering it up. Remember, she's an alcoholic too, and not every alcoholic stays sober their entire life. And expect some backlash too, because as we all well know we DO NOT like people telling us what to do about our drinking, or making any suggestions about it.
It is certainly difficult to find a sponsor you like, but in this case it seems as though the relationship is hurting rather than helping you in your sobriety. I'd suggest trying to find a new one to work with if you can.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Jeni26
She says she has been honest with a few in AA, and were she to be honest with others she would just get a whole load of opinions and big book quotes thrown at her. She is an admin for a group I belonged to and people there don't know I don't think. When I asked why, she said that she doesn't know people online and for all she knows they could all be drinking. To be honest I'm trying to second guess things, but I'm really not sure of her motives.
Things just don't seem right. I'm not sure how to even go about getting another sponsor or if I even want one. I don't go to meetings or have real life support. She is a very special person to me.
Things just don't seem right. I'm not sure how to even go about getting another sponsor or if I even want one. I don't go to meetings or have real life support. She is a very special person to me.
If it were me, I'd tell her I wanted to get out of the sponsor/sponsee relationship and why. Then take some time and think about it - both the friendship going forward and the need or lack of need of a new sponsor.
One of the best things about sobriety is making decisions that are right for me, without enmeshed emotions. This is a messy one, but you can come out clean.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
Now sure how the whole online AA meetings, groups, and sponsorship thing works, but I don't see how she can continue to be your sponsor as long as she's so far off the spiritual rails -- she can't transmit what she doesn't have until she gets it back. That will have to start with fearless honesty on her part, not pretending to go on as if nothing has changed.
You can still be her friend, though, and it sounds as though she needs one. Your feelings of disappointment and abandonment are understandable, of course, but I would think the real question is to discern what your HP would want you to do in this situation. The phrase "Hate the sin, love the sinner," as they say in certain circles, occurs to me.
You can still be her friend, though, and it sounds as though she needs one. Your feelings of disappointment and abandonment are understandable, of course, but I would think the real question is to discern what your HP would want you to do in this situation. The phrase "Hate the sin, love the sinner," as they say in certain circles, occurs to me.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I'd agree with Bimini, you cannot control her actions and the repercussions of her actions ( or inaction ) is something she'll need to deal with herself.
Honestly if it were me I would simply tell her straight out that I didn't feel comfortable working with her as a sponsor anymore if she was drinking and covering it up. Remember, she's an alcoholic too, and not every alcoholic stays sober their entire life. And expect some backlash too, because as we all well know we DO NOT like people telling us what to do about our drinking, or making any suggestions about it.
It is certainly difficult to find a sponsor you like, but in this case it seems as though the relationship is hurting rather than helping you in your sobriety. I'd suggest trying to find a new one to work with if you can.
Honestly if it were me I would simply tell her straight out that I didn't feel comfortable working with her as a sponsor anymore if she was drinking and covering it up. Remember, she's an alcoholic too, and not every alcoholic stays sober their entire life. And expect some backlash too, because as we all well know we DO NOT like people telling us what to do about our drinking, or making any suggestions about it.
It is certainly difficult to find a sponsor you like, but in this case it seems as though the relationship is hurting rather than helping you in your sobriety. I'd suggest trying to find a new one to work with if you can.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
It is very rare for people who sponsor to relapse, compared to those who don't sponsor. Something seems very wrong here.
If it were me I might ask if that person has what I want. Did I come to AA to learn to live a double life? No, I already knew how to do that and where it would lead. When I understood the program, I actually came to AA for help to get connected to a power greater than myself, which would solve my problem. Then I was willing to help others do the same. Is this kind of sponsor getting me any nearer those objectives?
I think I might look for a new sponsor, though I would also make sure the hand of AA was there for my old one.
If it were me I might ask if that person has what I want. Did I come to AA to learn to live a double life? No, I already knew how to do that and where it would lead. When I understood the program, I actually came to AA for help to get connected to a power greater than myself, which would solve my problem. Then I was willing to help others do the same. Is this kind of sponsor getting me any nearer those objectives?
I think I might look for a new sponsor, though I would also make sure the hand of AA was there for my old one.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
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Jeni,
i was sorry to read of this in your earl;ier thread.
and i remember that in that thread you also said she was your rock, so no wonder you feel rudderless. it's NOT ridiculous to feel abandoned when you've watched your rock give way. it's a normal reaction to having the rug pulled out from under.
so please i hope you can ease up on yourself for how you're feeling.
so...that was about the feelings.
this is about...well, the action. and the rock part. it is my understanding of the AA program that a sponsor's role is to guide a person through the step-process and support them in that. and the step process is about developing relationship with a power greater than yourself as you understand that power, and it is NOT to be your sponsor. or a friend. or a lover. or a guru. any human.
a "human rock" is bound to screw up.
i get that you're hurting, for her, yourself, and others.
and i'm sorry you're going through this, but do think it gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate what might be a more reliable "rock" for you.
i was sorry to read of this in your earl;ier thread.
and i remember that in that thread you also said she was your rock, so no wonder you feel rudderless. it's NOT ridiculous to feel abandoned when you've watched your rock give way. it's a normal reaction to having the rug pulled out from under.
so please i hope you can ease up on yourself for how you're feeling.
so...that was about the feelings.
this is about...well, the action. and the rock part. it is my understanding of the AA program that a sponsor's role is to guide a person through the step-process and support them in that. and the step process is about developing relationship with a power greater than yourself as you understand that power, and it is NOT to be your sponsor. or a friend. or a lover. or a guru. any human.
a "human rock" is bound to screw up.
i get that you're hurting, for her, yourself, and others.
and i'm sorry you're going through this, but do think it gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate what might be a more reliable "rock" for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
I think it's completely understandable that you're angry Jen.
It is a difficult situation with her still sponsoring others without having told anyone else about the relapse.
I know that I would be upset under these circumstances.
I know how you feel about going to f2f meetings, but I still think that it might be worth a try. In my experience here, there are all sorts of public figures I see in meetings. Privacy and anonymity are completely respected.
♥ V
It is a difficult situation with her still sponsoring others without having told anyone else about the relapse.
I know that I would be upset under these circumstances.
I know how you feel about going to f2f meetings, but I still think that it might be worth a try. In my experience here, there are all sorts of public figures I see in meetings. Privacy and anonymity are completely respected.
♥ V
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
What to do when your sponsor relapses - help them as best you can without jeopardizing your sobriety. It's painful when we put others on a pedestal and they fall off, I know this first hand.
A sponsor does not keep us sober nor make us drink - it is on us via our HP to work through this daily. Totally understandable there's some sadness, but perhaps it's confusion in terms of what you do next maybe?
I did not have to "fire" my sponsor. The relationship simply drifted apart. I began to work with others and soon found a suitable replacement. Pray for guidance and I assure you another teacher will appear, no doubt.
Thank you for sharing this, I am sorry it's painful, but she may have just saved your life.
Your thoughts take me to the second part of the "long form" serenity prayer - Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..........
You have the tools to go forward, keep working......
A sponsor does not keep us sober nor make us drink - it is on us via our HP to work through this daily. Totally understandable there's some sadness, but perhaps it's confusion in terms of what you do next maybe?
I did not have to "fire" my sponsor. The relationship simply drifted apart. I began to work with others and soon found a suitable replacement. Pray for guidance and I assure you another teacher will appear, no doubt.
Thank you for sharing this, I am sorry it's painful, but she may have just saved your life.
Your thoughts take me to the second part of the "long form" serenity prayer - Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace..........
You have the tools to go forward, keep working......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Originally Posted by fini
Jeni,
i was sorry to read of this in your earl;ier thread.
and i remember that in that thread you also said she was your rock, so no wonder you feel rudderless. it's NOT ridiculous to feel abandoned when you've watched your rock give way. it's a normal reaction to having the rug pulled out from under.
so please i hope you can ease up on yourself for how you're feeling.
so...that was about the feelings.
this is about...well, the action. and the rock part. it is my understanding of the AA program that a sponsor's role is to guide a person through the step-process and support them in that. and the step process is about developing relationship with a power greater than yourself as you understand that power, and it is NOT to be your sponsor. or a friend. or a lover. or a guru. any human.
a "human rock" is bound to screw up.
i get that you're hurting, for her, yourself, and others.
and i'm sorry you're going through this, but do think it gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate what might be a more reliable "rock" for you.
i was sorry to read of this in your earl;ier thread.
and i remember that in that thread you also said she was your rock, so no wonder you feel rudderless. it's NOT ridiculous to feel abandoned when you've watched your rock give way. it's a normal reaction to having the rug pulled out from under.
so please i hope you can ease up on yourself for how you're feeling.
so...that was about the feelings.
this is about...well, the action. and the rock part. it is my understanding of the AA program that a sponsor's role is to guide a person through the step-process and support them in that. and the step process is about developing relationship with a power greater than yourself as you understand that power, and it is NOT to be your sponsor. or a friend. or a lover. or a guru. any human.
a "human rock" is bound to screw up.
i get that you're hurting, for her, yourself, and others.
and i'm sorry you're going through this, but do think it gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate what might be a more reliable "rock" for you.
This is so so helpful. Thank you fini.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
It's 4 am here and yet again I've woken with awful anxiety. It's not just my sponsor, work is tough too at the moment.
I can feel myself isolating a bit. I need to try and hang onto the positives of which there are lots.
I can feel myself isolating a bit. I need to try and hang onto the positives of which there are lots.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I am very gald my sponsor knew his job. I had three rocks in my life. My wife, my father, and my sponsor. They all died.
But it gets worse! Now I have two children, and some people that I sponsor, and I am now their rock. My strength comes from a power greater than myself. Where would I be if my sponsor had not known his job?
But it gets worse! Now I have two children, and some people that I sponsor, and I am now their rock. My strength comes from a power greater than myself. Where would I be if my sponsor had not known his job?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Jeni - I really think now might be a good time to lean into your fears, and give face to face AA meetings a go. You will need to get a new sponsor I think - as much because your relationship with this one seems to have drifted more to a friendship than sponsor / sponsee one - which is lovely, because you can still continue to support each other. In the meantime, your higher power will be your rock. Just keep praying and asking for the help that you need: The knowledge of your higher power's will, and the strength to carry it out.
Most service positions are given to people with a minimum sobriety period. It might be that if she were honest about her slip (and although it was only one night, it was quite intentional / planned. She didn't just grab a drink that was thrust under her nose) she may well not be able to continue in that service position - anyway - that isn't your concern. It's a program of self-honesty. She needs to make these decisions herself - and presumably she has her own sponsor to rely on. Maybe ask her if this is the case, and if not, ask if she's thought about getting one.
You can still look for a new sponsor anyway. If people ask what happened between you and your previous sponsor then say that the relationship changed and you feel you are both too much like friends now. The rest of it isn't yours to tell.
The beauty of going to groups is that we get to meet other AA friends to support us when our sponsors aren't about (when they're ill, or on holiday, or whatever). I know it can be scary to go to a group like that when you are a professional. I was so scared someone would find out. But when I arrived at AA I realised the reality of the situation. I was sitting amongst other teachers; nurses; social workers; aircraft engineers; map makers; surgeons; scaffolders; owners of businesses; counsellors; pensioners; mothers; fathers; grandmothers; grandfathers; and people actively seeking work (and more, but these are the ones that spring to mind from my own main groups). We all have lives. We all rely on the anonymity of the program. We all support each other.
Take care Jeni
PS Don't forget to keep reading the BB; 12 &12; Living Sober; or whatever you have to hand. You need to keep working on your recovery to get through this blip. The speaker recordings can also be a sobriety-saver at times like this... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Most service positions are given to people with a minimum sobriety period. It might be that if she were honest about her slip (and although it was only one night, it was quite intentional / planned. She didn't just grab a drink that was thrust under her nose) she may well not be able to continue in that service position - anyway - that isn't your concern. It's a program of self-honesty. She needs to make these decisions herself - and presumably she has her own sponsor to rely on. Maybe ask her if this is the case, and if not, ask if she's thought about getting one.
You can still look for a new sponsor anyway. If people ask what happened between you and your previous sponsor then say that the relationship changed and you feel you are both too much like friends now. The rest of it isn't yours to tell.
The beauty of going to groups is that we get to meet other AA friends to support us when our sponsors aren't about (when they're ill, or on holiday, or whatever). I know it can be scary to go to a group like that when you are a professional. I was so scared someone would find out. But when I arrived at AA I realised the reality of the situation. I was sitting amongst other teachers; nurses; social workers; aircraft engineers; map makers; surgeons; scaffolders; owners of businesses; counsellors; pensioners; mothers; fathers; grandmothers; grandfathers; and people actively seeking work (and more, but these are the ones that spring to mind from my own main groups). We all have lives. We all rely on the anonymity of the program. We all support each other.
Take care Jeni
PS Don't forget to keep reading the BB; 12 &12; Living Sober; or whatever you have to hand. You need to keep working on your recovery to get through this blip. The speaker recordings can also be a sobriety-saver at times like this... 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 309
There's some amazing advice here already and I just wanted to reiterate that I'd consider getting a new sponsor. I'd definitely go to some face to face meetings and get a feel for them until you find someone you want to ask to be your sponsor.
I didn't get a sponsor for a long time after going to my first aa meeting and that was okay for me, just really keep your support network with people in recovery strong and look after yourself until you find a new sponsor.
Your sponsor is only human but I can only imagine how upsetting it is X
I didn't get a sponsor for a long time after going to my first aa meeting and that was okay for me, just really keep your support network with people in recovery strong and look after yourself until you find a new sponsor.
Your sponsor is only human but I can only imagine how upsetting it is X
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves.
Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
kinda readin like some codie issues here,jeni,but i could be wrong.
Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
kinda readin like some codie issues here,jeni,but i could be wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Jeni26
She says she has been honest with a few in AA, and were she to be honest with others she would just get a whole load of opinions and big book quotes thrown at her. She is an admin for a group I belonged to and people there don't know I don't think. When I asked why, she said that she doesn't know people online and for all she knows they could all be drinking. To be honest I'm trying to second guess things, but I'm really not sure of her motives.
Things just don't seem right. I'm not sure how to even go about getting another sponsor or if I even want one. I don't go to meetings or have real life support. She is a very special person to me.
Things just don't seem right. I'm not sure how to even go about getting another sponsor or if I even want one. I don't go to meetings or have real life support. She is a very special person to me.
As mentioned above you might think about finding another sponsor if need be. It's disappointing but sometimes those you least expect go back out.
There was a priest I often saw at meetings who I thought about asking to sponsor me. One day he stopped coming to meetings. I saw him around the church but he wasn't interested in talking.
He never returned to aa and my guess is he went back out. I was quite surprised considering he seemed a big supporter of AA.
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