Trying Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Trying Again
Hey, everyone. Haven't been on in some time. Was trying to get sober in the middle of the semester, then caved.
I've been okay. The drinking is still horrible; no matter how you rationalize your drinking, it never 'works' again once you know how bad you are with it, you know? But I've kept out of trouble with it, haven't been kicked off campus or missed any work, until now---
I'm messing up. I've drank on an empty stomach twice in a row now, and both times I have made those heinous drunk decisions and taken those horrible drunk actions.
Just horrible. Completely out of control. Loud with racist 'jokes' that weren't funny. Shouted that my girlfriend is a *****. And last night I finally did try to fight someone here in my dormitory, which is just crazy. I've also drank both times I was supposed to hang out with my girlfriend (only 2 months with her; really need to spend more time with her) and blew her off each.
The reason I'm back now is that even though I've drank this semester, since Oct. it's only been once a week, and I was able to keep myself alone with it. I was drinking harder earlier, but when I got together with this girl I started going to the gym and running everyday. I liked how my body felt and she gave me confidence, and even though I was still drinking I only did it that once a week and in private. I'm not justifying it, but all I'm saying is that for whatever reason I was able to self-destruct in privacy, which prevented my feeling the usual overt and totally overwhelming feelings of embarrassment after drinking and hence why I haven't been more affected.
But recently there was the Thanksgiving break, 5 days where I was back home, and I got disgustingly drunk every single hour I was there. And not only that, but that's where all this racism and violence is coming from now: I met some 'old friends' while home (fellow drinkers/drug users I used to go with before trying for sobriety) and that's all they're doing with their lives now: increasingly becoming racist, kicking the hell out of people for nothing, and drinking. And I did all of it with them over the 5 days, and it just took me to a new, far more dangerous place now everytime I drink.
And ever since I came back to school this Monday I haven't been able to control myself at all. Drunk everyday, all day, but I'm trying to bring those horrible experiences over the holiday to my school. It's so dangerous; if I even hit a person they can throw me off campus, and they would at this place. I can't get a grip: it's like a taste for something. But man I hate it. It's dumb. It's all so dumb.
Ashamed, again. I've been living in a very dangerous fantasy bubble this semester by continuing to drink. Honestly I'm amazed I haven't gone and gotten myself thrown off campus, but what I'd like to be is grateful for it, and to get myself sober this very day.
I just haven't got a grip on myself. I feel absolutely crazy when I take even a drop of drink, and who "I" am is gone: completely submerged in delerium and fantasy.
I really hate myself anymore. I have nightmares whenever I drink now, and today I woke up and thought about all the **** I said last night and reviewed all my actions and it's just too much. I am so utterly and completely ashamed. Thinking how my roommates will see me today after all I did makes me want to cry. And I don't even want to think what will happen if my girlfriend hears about even one thing I babbled about her last night.
I have to stop thinking about last night because it's devastating me. Please help, SR. I am going to do my best this time, and once again I will say "No drinking" with you all.
I've been okay. The drinking is still horrible; no matter how you rationalize your drinking, it never 'works' again once you know how bad you are with it, you know? But I've kept out of trouble with it, haven't been kicked off campus or missed any work, until now---
I'm messing up. I've drank on an empty stomach twice in a row now, and both times I have made those heinous drunk decisions and taken those horrible drunk actions.
Just horrible. Completely out of control. Loud with racist 'jokes' that weren't funny. Shouted that my girlfriend is a *****. And last night I finally did try to fight someone here in my dormitory, which is just crazy. I've also drank both times I was supposed to hang out with my girlfriend (only 2 months with her; really need to spend more time with her) and blew her off each.
The reason I'm back now is that even though I've drank this semester, since Oct. it's only been once a week, and I was able to keep myself alone with it. I was drinking harder earlier, but when I got together with this girl I started going to the gym and running everyday. I liked how my body felt and she gave me confidence, and even though I was still drinking I only did it that once a week and in private. I'm not justifying it, but all I'm saying is that for whatever reason I was able to self-destruct in privacy, which prevented my feeling the usual overt and totally overwhelming feelings of embarrassment after drinking and hence why I haven't been more affected.
But recently there was the Thanksgiving break, 5 days where I was back home, and I got disgustingly drunk every single hour I was there. And not only that, but that's where all this racism and violence is coming from now: I met some 'old friends' while home (fellow drinkers/drug users I used to go with before trying for sobriety) and that's all they're doing with their lives now: increasingly becoming racist, kicking the hell out of people for nothing, and drinking. And I did all of it with them over the 5 days, and it just took me to a new, far more dangerous place now everytime I drink.
And ever since I came back to school this Monday I haven't been able to control myself at all. Drunk everyday, all day, but I'm trying to bring those horrible experiences over the holiday to my school. It's so dangerous; if I even hit a person they can throw me off campus, and they would at this place. I can't get a grip: it's like a taste for something. But man I hate it. It's dumb. It's all so dumb.
Ashamed, again. I've been living in a very dangerous fantasy bubble this semester by continuing to drink. Honestly I'm amazed I haven't gone and gotten myself thrown off campus, but what I'd like to be is grateful for it, and to get myself sober this very day.
I just haven't got a grip on myself. I feel absolutely crazy when I take even a drop of drink, and who "I" am is gone: completely submerged in delerium and fantasy.
I really hate myself anymore. I have nightmares whenever I drink now, and today I woke up and thought about all the **** I said last night and reviewed all my actions and it's just too much. I am so utterly and completely ashamed. Thinking how my roommates will see me today after all I did makes me want to cry. And I don't even want to think what will happen if my girlfriend hears about even one thing I babbled about her last night.
I have to stop thinking about last night because it's devastating me. Please help, SR. I am going to do my best this time, and once again I will say "No drinking" with you all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
When it really... really ... really gets bad enough where there is NO other option (hopefully before you have maimed or killed yourself or someone else) ...
Work the 12 Steps of AA ... if there are any objections (such as I don't believe in the concept I have mis-construed in my mind of what the 'God' word means ... or ... I just don't believe I am really an 'Alcoholic' or the misconstrued concept I have in my mind as to what that term means) ... then go back until you really ... really ... really have NO other option (hopefully before you have maimed or killed yourself or someone else) ... and Work the 12 Steps of AA.
It worked for me ... and I struggled hard for a long time.
2 years Sober and Free now ... and sooo important - alcohol is of NO importance for me now. Also ... I realized after a long time of struggling real hard ... I could NOT fix my Spiritually diseased Self with my Spiritually diseased Self.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Work the 12 Steps of AA ... if there are any objections (such as I don't believe in the concept I have mis-construed in my mind of what the 'God' word means ... or ... I just don't believe I am really an 'Alcoholic' or the misconstrued concept I have in my mind as to what that term means) ... then go back until you really ... really ... really have NO other option (hopefully before you have maimed or killed yourself or someone else) ... and Work the 12 Steps of AA.
It worked for me ... and I struggled hard for a long time.
2 years Sober and Free now ... and sooo important - alcohol is of NO importance for me now. Also ... I realized after a long time of struggling real hard ... I could NOT fix my Spiritually diseased Self with my Spiritually diseased Self.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Do you have meetings nearby? That helps many, many people. Doesn't have to be AA, and I can't imagine how anyone would suggest you should keep drinking until AA becomes your only option. There are lots of options in most parts of the country, including medical outpatient treatment groups. I bet your school has support groups, too?
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I had issues with acceptance of my circumstances and coming to grips that I could no longer drink - I knew in my head and sort of accepted I had a problem, but did not want to accept any solution other than using myself will to not drink for a few daze. Many accept their problem during the guilt, remorse, shame cycle. Some will accept a real solution of their choosing.
Once I became serious about quitting I sought outside support and joined SR community. But nothing could be accomplished until I was ready.
Glad you're posting, you don't have to do this alone.......
Once I became serious about quitting I sought outside support and joined SR community. But nothing could be accomplished until I was ready.
Glad you're posting, you don't have to do this alone.......
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome back. There are a number of options available to you with AA being one but not the only option. Getting sober is one thing. But staying sober is another animal. You need to have a plan in place which generally means you need to make some life style changes. Going to meetings, not hang out with using friends, staying away from anything that triggers drinking, anything that keeps you from using that first drink. If AA is not for you check out SMART and AVRT. Also stay close to SR and post here for help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Correction .. I did not mean to imply AA is the only way to get sober, or that anyone needs to continue drinking until they have killed someone or have done that to themselves ... I was only trying to convey the struggle I went thru after repeatedly trying to get sober, while actually working against what was the final solution for me ... and IT WORKED ... Yay
RDBplus3 ... Happy to be Sober, and I want to be supportive of anyone that reaches out for help or encouragement on this forum, and whatever path that gets them improvement in their life condition ... Thanks
RDBplus3 ... Happy to be Sober, and I want to be supportive of anyone that reaches out for help or encouragement on this forum, and whatever path that gets them improvement in their life condition ... Thanks
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