wibble

So here I am again.

I realised when I logged back in that i've been registered on SR for 8 years. 8 years that i've tried time and time again to stop drinking. In those 8 years i've managed a spell of 6 months in 2010 and for 1 month 3 times. My most recent spell was a month in 2013.

Its hard for me not to just view myself as pathetic and give up. Accept my fate and drink myself to death. Its tempting. But something inside me drives me on to try and find a solution.

I'm a classic High Functioning Alcoholic, i'm very good at my job so manage to scrape by on 30-40% constantly. But I know i'm going to get found out very soon, its only a matter of time.

I'm sure many of you didn't just stop the first time so I'd really like your advice or thoughts on what made it stick for you, what was different?

In a lot of ways it feels comforting to be back on SR reading the posts.

Big blue furry hugs

Wibble x

Soberwolf

Hi Wibble I remember your post from yesterday & right now my instinct is picking up how badly you want to remain sober congrats on your previous sober times good indicators you really want this

Get up but don't ever give up - I like this motto check out the video in this thread I made I'm sure youl like it

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml?styleid=93

strategery

Welcome back Wibble!

My turning point from thinking about getting sober to being committed to being sober/recovery was realizing how exhausting and hard it was to battle cravings. I didn't want to do that anymore.

wibble

You know what, that just about sums it up. I'm exhausted.
I'm in pain, my back and throat is so sore. I can't remember the last time I had a day off the booze.

The video is amazing thank you Sober Wolf, the music is amazing and the speeches are very thought provoking.

tomsteve

glad ya made it back. first thing id suggest is removing "high functioning" . its just a way to differentiate from being a stereotypical alcoholic. remove the outside appearances and look internally.you can find many low bottom drunks' stories here and what their thinking was. i consider myself a low bottom drunk. even though i was very good at my occupation and made a good income with it, internally i was no different that the drunk living in the street drinking thunderbird.
what has kept me sober? receiving the gift of desperation-get help or kill myself. and deciding i would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. i didnt want to just stop drinking. i didnt want to hate myself or have my past haunting me anymore.

i had only one true "try" at getting sober in my past. lasted about a month.
because i didnt change anything. just put down the drink.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Wibble. I too fought the same fight you are for years, most of us did. There is a better way to live for us....and its within your grasp if you would choose it. You've been sober for some long stretches, did you have a formal plan during any of those?

The "functioning" alcoholic is still an alcoholic. And as you are seeing, the level of "function" always declines. You get to choose how bad it gets before you quit..always remember that.

wibble

Thanks for the replies and yes you are both right the phrase High Functioning isn't helpful. I've actually used it as a way of justifying my behaviour in the past.

I think you make a really important point that putting the drink down is only part of the solution, something has to change within me or otherwise sooner or later I will return to my previous patterns of behaviour.

When I stopped for 6 months I found it the most liberating experience of my life, I connected entirely with my spirituality and felt that I grew massively as a person, my career in particularly went through a huge growth spurt. I started drinking again because I felt I couldn't have a social life and felt completely isolated. I never actually changed my way of thinking around alcohol I did just stop drinking for a period of time.
I was under the impression I'd be able to return to "normal" drinking and I'd proved I didn't have a problem... 5 years on, how wrong was I?

Mountainmanbob

Nice to see you back yet again and never give up.

Seems that making a (firm) decision to no longer drink is a good start.

MB

wibble

It is a good start, been talking to someone on here today thats really helped me. Reminded me of what a huge role SR played for me before.

Just having people who "get it" not having to try and explain.

Soberwolf

Really glad your with us bud

Dee74

Welcome back Wibble

I finally let go of my dream of somehow keeping alcohol in my life, and yet not have my life turn to crap.

I was exhausted too. As scary as change felt, it felt good to lay down that burden.

D

tomsteve

"I was under the impression I'd be able to return to "normal" drinking and I'd proved I didn't have a problem... 5 years on, how wrong was I? "

welp, i think ya can throw out the arse kikin machine. youre here today, admitting alcohol is a major problem, want to do something about it that involves complete abstinence, and with the added benefit of 5 years experience of what doesnt work.

good to read youre communicating with someone on here

KAD

Hi Wibble. You are where I was for quite a long time. I believed I was "functioning," too, because I held down jobs, didn't arouse any suspicion (at least none that was brought to my attention - until later), got regular raises and promotions, maintained the appearances of a responsible husband, father, employee, productive member of society, etc. But as someone else here pointed out, as long as we continue to drink, that facade begins to crumble. Our performance doesn't get better, it falls into decline.

Don't wait as long as I did. I kept pushing my luck until I could no longer hide my alcoholism. People were beginning to get suspicious, and my behavior became increasingly sloppy and conspicuous. Quit while you're ahead. You may not feel like you're ahead, but it can get a whole lot worse. Trust me. You don't wanna go there.

beautifulpines

Drinking just kept me sick and tired all the time. And what really scared me, is that nothing bad had to happen. In the end I thought I was hiding it, when in reality, my loved ones just turned away in sadness and disgust.

Dave42001

Glad you're here too.. Controlled managed drinking didn't work for me, I had to surrender and ask my higher power for help, I was totally powerless over booze.. Just like a professional athlete I have to practice and reboot my brain every day.. You can do it! Wishing you the best!! I don't have a drinking problem I have a thinking problem..

Hevyn

Good stuff has already been said, so I'll just say I'm so glad to see you back Wibble. Keep talking to us.

Zebra1275

Nice to see you back.

I've managed to get and stay sober for several years now. There was a long time when I couldn't make it more than a couple of days.

Since I've gotten sober my life (and my health) have gotten so much better. And my ability to cope with the crap that life sometimes throws at me so much better thanks to the tools I learned in AA. When life get's tough my problem solving methodology is no longer to reach for a drink.

You can get here too, if you want it bad enough.

Che

One of the few trite things people say that I agree with is "There's no such thing as a high functioning alcoholic." Getting through a work day is not even close to high functioning, and the only thing you're really saying is "There are people who get fired for drinking during work."

I hope you'll be able to figure things out, so that you can experience what life is like when you're not missing 60-70% of it

wibble

Thank you for all your kind words, especially regarding being a HFA. You are completely right, it was just a lie I told myself. My performance is declining at a steadily increasing rate, delegating almost every task to others is not performance.

I'd forgotten what a simple pleasure it is to wake up without a hangover, not searching for my phone to see who i'd been texting, what I'd said, what i'd done.

Soberwolf

Keep on keeping on Wibble