Tranklin

Sober date is 3/20/15.
I was up to about 1.75L of vodka a day early this year. Was feeling pretty crappy around March of this year, was getting sick daily and almost suicidal. On March 20th I had pain so bad in my abdomen that I had my wife drive me to the hospital. I couldn't urinate and it hurt so bad I couldn't think straight. I was admitted to the hospital for a few hours and started to go down hill. I was swiftly taken to ICU and was diagnosed with Acute Alcohol Induced Pancreatitis. I was put on a ventilator because my lungs, heart. kidney, etc.. were shutting down. for over a month I was on a vent 3 different times, was put on dialysis, and was almost dead. I SHOULD have been dead. I started to get better after a month in ICU and was then placed back on the cardiac unit for 2 more months. There I went through many tests and meds to get my organs functioning back to normal again. It was painful and I couldnt get up to use the bathroom my self. IT WAS HELL!!!!
Now for the wife leaving part. She was there every day sitting, hoping and praying for me to make it out of there alive. I finally was discharged in May with some meds, and had some home recovery ahead. I was so happy to get the hell out of there!!! After some recovery time, I went back to work in late June. Pretty good for almost being dead 3 months earlier!! In early July I knew something was wrong. She was acting very cold and would never return my kisses. I then asked on a whim one day when she was leaving, I thought she would say she wasn't leaving but I guess my intuition was right and she said, "does it matter?" My heart immediately sank and I was at a loss for words. After about a minute she finally said she would be leaving on August 1st. All I could think of was, I finally quit drinking after 25 years and my wife and best friend is leaving. She allowed me to sleep in the same bed until she left. When August 1st came I woke up, went to work, came home and she was gone!!!
I am so devastated, I hate myself for driving her away. She left at the worst time an alcoholic should be left alone. I am in deep depression and am real pissed at myself for letting this happen! She has grown so cold to me and even the nicest letters and texts I send her are replied with so much hate for me.
To this day I still am sober but still depressed that I will probably never see her again. Has anyone had a similar experience? I feel so alone and shattered emotionally...

Venecia

I'm sorry that you're hurting. From what I've read on SR, sobriety and marital stability don't necessarily go hand in hand. The important thing to remember is that you can only control your own decisions and one of them must be to remain sober.

beautifulpines

Yes, you must remain sober. I am going through a similar circumstance with my husband of 30 years. For 20 he suffered through my ugly drinking. I also almost died from alcohol poisoning. Have only been sober a week, but I will never drink again because I have no more recoveries. Just death awaits and in my soul I know I am done. My husband is completely nasty and I don't blame him. I expect any moment he will leave - when that happens, I'm will use my other supports systems and I will survive. Please take care of yourself! Thank you all for listening.

totfit

My ex wife told me she did not want to be with me any more sober or drinking. Even if sober she did not want to change her lifestyle.......It was the best thing that ever happened to me. It most certainly did not feel so at the time, but it gave me a new start and left it up to me to "find myself". It actually worked out well for the both of us. We have a daughter together and a grandson and we are "friends" of a sort.

I would hesitate to think or keep thinking if you are that "life is over". Gosh, you are just ready to start a whole new part of the journey. It will be up to you though to get out there and "find yourself". Staying sober is a great way to start a new journey.

Tranklin

Thanks, I just cant stop thinking that things could have been different if I stayed sober the first time I tried...

JD

I've been there too. At the time it was the most painful thing I could imagine. I can say that with time you do get over the grieving and I'm in a very good place now. But it does take time and nothing will substitute for that. Drinking will not make it better and in your case will probably kill you. See if you can get some therapy and see a dr.for the depression.

I could not have imagined it at the time but it was the best thing that could have happened to the both of us. But it took many months before I could accept the end of the marriage and could begin to move forward.

I'm wishing you all the best.

Keepnitreal

Tranklin- I'm sure you're shell shocked and in deep pain, but it sounds like she just couldn't take it anymore. Perhaps with time and space she will see that you are going to remain sober and there may be a second chance. If not, your sobriety is priority right now. If you can get through this you can get through anything.

Prayers going out for you right now!

MIRecovery

One of my favorite lines, "Don't look backwards. You aren't going that way."

Could have been, should have been, would have been are an exercise in futility. Things are exactly as they should be. They are as God has planned them and the pain of today will be the victory of tomorrow. We just do not know where our life will lead us but living in the past will take us no place good.

Today is all we will ever have and we need to make the most of it. Maybe you will get back together with your wife, maybe not but you have so much you can offer the world being sober.

My daughter died recently due to cancer and she died on my 5 year sobriety anniversary. I have to live with the guilt of being drunk most of her life and wasting so many precious days that can be never got back. I have come to terms with my past. Of course there are a lot of things I wish had been different but they weren't. I believe I was saved for some other purpose and that my past was a necessary although painful part of who I am today.

For me working the steps of AA was an essential part of putting my past where it belongs. "In the past"

zombob

Wow! some pretty heavy posts here. looks like i'm divorcing too. my wife is still drinking and really turned nasty since I quit. What I thought was more...is no more. Glad I'm sober though. If I was drunk I would not have the strength to fight for what's right for my daughter. I'm anxious but clear if that makes sense. Hang in there--T'will be worth it.

Che

That is such an awful thing to say.

When is the right time? When you were killing yourself with alcohol?

Just respect her decision and move on. I think you can do well taking totfit's advice to heart.

One positive note: major life changes are great times to break habits! Things that would normally trigger the frame of mind you used to drink in, are now absent. Please see this as an opportunity to be a better you, and leave her be. Pitying yourself will really lead nowhere.

Tranklin

Your absolutely right.
By the way I am not pitying myself, just looking for support.
I have no-one. Maybe I should just move on from this forum too?

biminiblue

Tranklin, I don't think that was said to be mean. Is there really a "good" time for a wife of many years to leave? Probably not.

I hope you stay here - there is a lot of wisdom on this site. Many people are struggling alone...I'm alone - but not particularly struggling today. There are all kinds of different viewpoints on forums.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Tranklin

I would also like to say that my wife is not a drinker and wanted me to stop more than anything, her words. So leaving when I am sober is kinda makin me scratch my head to say the least

biminiblue

Maybe she just had enough after all that emergency treatment. It would have been difficult to leave you when you were so sick. I'll bet she felt pretty abandoned for years while you drank and even more so when you almost died. That was a big wake-up call for her to examine her future. I know when I left my husband, I had talked "at" him for years and he ignored my needs. One day I just had enough and asked him to move out. When it was over for me, I knew it.

A majority of alcoholics end up in one or more relapses. Maybe she did some research and decided the risk was not worth the reward. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Heck, if she came to this forum and told your story, many if not most people would question her about leaving the marriage. I'm sure her friends and family made that suggestion, too.

Venecia

Bimini is a wise friend to SR, and her feedback was good. Stay on the forum, Tranklin. This is a place of hope and healing.

Tranklin

Thanks for all the advise, I really do blame ME for her leaving. I actually think she made a good choice knowing who I am. I know I am a better man for sobering up. Sucks that she wont see the new me..

Hawkeye13

But you will see / be the new you
That's something to work towards and look forward to

Glad you are here Tranklin--you have been through hell and lived.
What now to do with the gift of a future?

Sudz No More

She was likely already too fed up and too far gone from your marriage before you even got sober. Best to focus or yourself right now, get some sober friends and find some common things you enjoy doing and go out and do them. Just stay sober for yourself before anything else. You didn't just go through all that withdrawal to throw it all away did you? Of course not, so just look to the future and what it can hold, no sense dwelling on what might have been just focus on what can be.

biminiblue

Tranklin, there is no telling what the future may bring. I think all any of us have is today. Do the next right thing and life falls into place. There is a plan, and it requires some work - but you'll be glad you did it.

elsker

Please stick around, Tranklin...and don't drink. Yours wouldn't be the first relationship that didn't survive sobriety.

I think that sometimes, both people fall into an unhappy pattern...the alcoholic doing his/her thing and the affected spouse doing theirs. When the alcoholic sobers up, it completely rearranges the dynamic, upsetting the apple-cart, so to speak.

It may very well be that a better relationship is in store for you in the future, but in the time being it's best to focus on your recovery.

I'm in the process of divorce, too...and I'm beginning to see that my old relationship was really pretty lacking in a lot of ways. We've been separated for 5 months and I'm actually beginning to feel happy- for the first time in ages!