My drunk, screaming alcoholic father.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
My drunk, screaming alcoholic father.
I was kicked out of home by my alcoholic father when I was very young.
He claims he "could not deal" with me anymore when I got pregnant at a young age. I was not drinking or using anything.
He was an active alcoholic my entire life and extremely abusive.
I know he tries to "get it together" to see me and my daughter every other weekend but tonight I called my mom, as I always do, to see what time we will meet for lunch tomorrow.
He was drunk and screaming on the other line.
I instantly had a panic attack as this is what I remember my entire childhood to be like. I struggle on and off again with alcohol. The first thought I had was to use alcohol to numb the pain of all his years of abuse. I hate him. I think he only meets up with us because he used to abuse me as a child so badly, he thinks he can make up for it with my daughter.
He was screaming about how he didn't want to see us. I am a grown adult and 35 years old. Why do I put up with this? The amazing thing was my moms calm voice on the line while he did this. Im sure she got it good after she hung up. She always does. Help?
He claims he "could not deal" with me anymore when I got pregnant at a young age. I was not drinking or using anything.
He was an active alcoholic my entire life and extremely abusive.
I know he tries to "get it together" to see me and my daughter every other weekend but tonight I called my mom, as I always do, to see what time we will meet for lunch tomorrow.
He was drunk and screaming on the other line.
I instantly had a panic attack as this is what I remember my entire childhood to be like. I struggle on and off again with alcohol. The first thought I had was to use alcohol to numb the pain of all his years of abuse. I hate him. I think he only meets up with us because he used to abuse me as a child so badly, he thinks he can make up for it with my daughter.
He was screaming about how he didn't want to see us. I am a grown adult and 35 years old. Why do I put up with this? The amazing thing was my moms calm voice on the line while he did this. Im sure she got it good after she hung up. She always does. Help?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry that he still upsets you.
My main priority would be your daughters safety and well being, as well as your own.
These visits need not happen if you feel these any risk or danger to you or her from abuse, verbal or physical....and they need not happen if you are having flashbacks and panic attacks.
You are the gatekeeper for your own security - but especially for your daughter.
If he 'does not want to see you', then why note that drunken outburst and just meet with your mother? Would he be violent to her if that happened?
I am glad you did not drink
Have you sought counselling over this ever?
D
My main priority would be your daughters safety and well being, as well as your own.
These visits need not happen if you feel these any risk or danger to you or her from abuse, verbal or physical....and they need not happen if you are having flashbacks and panic attacks.
You are the gatekeeper for your own security - but especially for your daughter.
If he 'does not want to see you', then why note that drunken outburst and just meet with your mother? Would he be violent to her if that happened?
I am glad you did not drink
Have you sought counselling over this ever?
D
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I agree with Dee completely. If it were me I certainly wouldn't be meeting with him. Maybe you're just meeting with your mom.. it wasn't clear. There is a forum section here called Friends and Family of alcoholics, that would be helpful to you if you haven't already seen it.
His behavior is abusive and unacceptable under any circumstances. My father was an absent alcoholic (worked overseas) and as kids we hated going to meet with him because he would always be drunk. Although not violent, he was embarrassing.
You do not need to subject yourself to his behavior. I also hope your mom can get some help, posibly from Alanon.. she may be codependent.
His behavior is abusive and unacceptable under any circumstances. My father was an absent alcoholic (worked overseas) and as kids we hated going to meet with him because he would always be drunk. Although not violent, he was embarrassing.
You do not need to subject yourself to his behavior. I also hope your mom can get some help, posibly from Alanon.. she may be codependent.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 346
I like that Dee..."gatekeeper". My MIL texted me the other day "you went from prisoner to gatekeeper" (meaning it as a dig).....how very true those words. Today will be Nationalsavemyownassday again. Glad I stumbled across this thread. Hang in there blue-eyes. We can't choose our relatives but we can sure set some boundaries. Blood is not thicker than intuition or common sense. If it feels bad...it is bad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
I thank you all so much.
My dad also decided to attack me through email.
I woke up to evil emails about how I wasted my moms time with him on the phone.
I drank.
My mother is also a drinker. She can stop. My mother called me three times today. My dad has NEVER been abusive to my child. He is always abusive to me.
My dad also decided to attack me through email.
I woke up to evil emails about how I wasted my moms time with him on the phone.
I drank.
My mother is also a drinker. She can stop. My mother called me three times today. My dad has NEVER been abusive to my child. He is always abusive to me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry you drank - but there's no way I'd go anywhere near the guy.
Your daughter doesn't need all that - maybe your mom can come visit sometimes on her alone.
Step away from the bottle too - that just compounds the harm here.
Your daughter needs her mom and she needs you sober too
Your daughter doesn't need all that - maybe your mom can come visit sometimes on her alone.
Step away from the bottle too - that just compounds the harm here.
Your daughter needs her mom and she needs you sober too
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 124
Ugh.
Dee is right, of course. Your dad sounds like someone I would not want my child near...I would keep lunch with mom only, and only if she's not drinking.
Please don't drink again. Your daughter needs a present mother- not a repeat of what you endured as a child.
Please stick close here. Do you go to AA at all? That might be helpful.
<3
Dee is right, of course. Your dad sounds like someone I would not want my child near...I would keep lunch with mom only, and only if she's not drinking.
Please don't drink again. Your daughter needs a present mother- not a repeat of what you endured as a child.
Please stick close here. Do you go to AA at all? That might be helpful.
<3
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Are you currently seeing a qualified therapist? Because of the abuse and family issues this is essential. It's sort of like coming here asking for medical advice that we're not qualified to give.
However, you cannot expose your daughters or yourself to this abuse. Mental abuse is just as damaging as anything else. Sometimes you have to roll the dice with these therapists to find a good one. If your employer has an EAP program or other benefits package usually a certain number of visits are free.
You asked, "Why do I put up with this?" You don't have to, and a professional should be able to help you deal with the baggage you're still carrying around.
However, you cannot expose your daughters or yourself to this abuse. Mental abuse is just as damaging as anything else. Sometimes you have to roll the dice with these therapists to find a good one. If your employer has an EAP program or other benefits package usually a certain number of visits are free.
You asked, "Why do I put up with this?" You don't have to, and a professional should be able to help you deal with the baggage you're still carrying around.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
my stepfather was abusive and an alcoholic. i'm glad they divorced and I never had to deal with him again. best thing he coulda ever done for me was cheat on my mother and leave.
I'm glad I do not have to have some of the worries you have IE with the next generation and the relationship battles you must have over all this.
My mother also just stood idly by while it all went down and even joined in from time to time. As a result when i sobered up and decided i no longer wanted to drink away that pain I threw it back at her. Told her I held her at least somewhat accountable for it all. She should have protected her kids from such a monster. She said she was in love and it was complicated. I said I"m sure that it was but at the end of the day your kids should have been number 1. She agreed and apologized and we moved forward.
As for my step father I have not heard from him in years never got an apology or anthing its up to me to forgive and move on its hard tho.
My main point is look out for your child first then yourself I'd consider removeing him from your life or keeping him at a distance you dont need this you deserve better. If you feel bad for your mother IE but i still want to see my mother or something then consider the fact that maybe she has some accountability in this equation for allowing this to continuing on.
I know in my moms case her lack of action to stop it was more or less her saying its ok for it to continue so it did. I didnt feel she deserved some kind of free pass in my situation.
I'd get some distance seriously so you can clear your head settle your emotions protect yourself and your child work on sobriety your health etc... Its just not worth it.
we seem to think we should all have these wonderful happy families Oh just tolerate crazy uncle bob. Oh you know how your father is. Oh i know your aunt sally ikes to get drunk and say some stupid things just be nice. I say no. I say you dont have too tolerate it all if youd ont want to. Remember by tolerating somethings your basicly condoneing the behavior. You dont have to fight or argue just keep a distance is all for your own sanities sake.
I'm glad I do not have to have some of the worries you have IE with the next generation and the relationship battles you must have over all this.
My mother also just stood idly by while it all went down and even joined in from time to time. As a result when i sobered up and decided i no longer wanted to drink away that pain I threw it back at her. Told her I held her at least somewhat accountable for it all. She should have protected her kids from such a monster. She said she was in love and it was complicated. I said I"m sure that it was but at the end of the day your kids should have been number 1. She agreed and apologized and we moved forward.
As for my step father I have not heard from him in years never got an apology or anthing its up to me to forgive and move on its hard tho.
My main point is look out for your child first then yourself I'd consider removeing him from your life or keeping him at a distance you dont need this you deserve better. If you feel bad for your mother IE but i still want to see my mother or something then consider the fact that maybe she has some accountability in this equation for allowing this to continuing on.
I know in my moms case her lack of action to stop it was more or less her saying its ok for it to continue so it did. I didnt feel she deserved some kind of free pass in my situation.
I'd get some distance seriously so you can clear your head settle your emotions protect yourself and your child work on sobriety your health etc... Its just not worth it.
we seem to think we should all have these wonderful happy families Oh just tolerate crazy uncle bob. Oh you know how your father is. Oh i know your aunt sally ikes to get drunk and say some stupid things just be nice. I say no. I say you dont have too tolerate it all if youd ont want to. Remember by tolerating somethings your basicly condoneing the behavior. You dont have to fight or argue just keep a distance is all for your own sanities sake.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
behindblueyes I'm so sorry you have to go through this. In my family both my parents worked, and the person who took care of us during the day was WAY too young for such responsibility and she took it out on us. She would do things to us but she was very careful not to leave any marks (Ex. Grabbing needles from the sewing kit and stabbing us with them.) Fast forward to my early twenties when I ended up spiraling into major suicidal depression and I spilled the whole truth out. I got accused of exaggerating and lying. My sister told other people that "it wasn't that bad" and proceeded to invite the same woman to babysit her children. It caused a rift between me and extended family, and even now my dad asks me to show her some compassion and forgive her.
Where am I going with this? Twenty years ago, I chose one path. I chose to use the limited energy I had to heal myself instead of diverting that energy into a toxic relationship that went nowhere. I had to deal with my family's disdain who accused me of being too sensitive. I had to deal with my own guilt knowing that I cut her off even though I knew that my parents didn't give her the best living conditions. I understood why she acted how she did.
But if I had to make the same choice, I would do it all over again. I see the pain of denying the past in my own sister, who has chosen to mask her own pain in delusion and drugs. I have family that continue to talk behind my back, but I have my own life that I am proud of, and it's a life that's strong enough to hold me up when people try to tear me down.
You owe that same life to yourself and to your daughter. Will you have guilt? Hell yes. Will you listen to accusations ad nauseum about how you are a cold, heartless b$#@$? Unfortunately, probably yes to that too. But I can see that you can take the energy that you've so far spent on your father and use it instead to build a safe, loving home for you and your daughter. The fact that you're posting on this board is a sign of that. I really believe that's true.
Where am I going with this? Twenty years ago, I chose one path. I chose to use the limited energy I had to heal myself instead of diverting that energy into a toxic relationship that went nowhere. I had to deal with my family's disdain who accused me of being too sensitive. I had to deal with my own guilt knowing that I cut her off even though I knew that my parents didn't give her the best living conditions. I understood why she acted how she did.
But if I had to make the same choice, I would do it all over again. I see the pain of denying the past in my own sister, who has chosen to mask her own pain in delusion and drugs. I have family that continue to talk behind my back, but I have my own life that I am proud of, and it's a life that's strong enough to hold me up when people try to tear me down.
You owe that same life to yourself and to your daughter. Will you have guilt? Hell yes. Will you listen to accusations ad nauseum about how you are a cold, heartless b$#@$? Unfortunately, probably yes to that too. But I can see that you can take the energy that you've so far spent on your father and use it instead to build a safe, loving home for you and your daughter. The fact that you're posting on this board is a sign of that. I really believe that's true.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
yeah to puzzledhearts point after I sobered up i was suddenly the A$$hole. why? becuase i started standing up for myself and worrying about my own needs for my personal well being and such. I had to realize i simply couldnt please everyone and i quit careing to even try to. It was very liberating to be honest.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
zjw I remember an old boss told me "You what your problem is. You want to be liked by everybody. Believe me, it's better to be respected than liked." A little Macchiavellian, but I remind myself of that whenever I have to say something that I know will not be received well. Here's to liberation.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Abusers are great at inducing guilt and making others feel like they're the bad one. It can take a while to get out of that head tangle, especially growing up with that and not knowing anything else. You owe him nothing...Keep safe
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