courage2

My friend, and you maybe should know what it takes for me to write that, did you ever have anything to offer except your self? All of which is still with you. You can prepare the offering, or you can spit on it.

Cow

Bunny, I agree. All one ever has to offer is they self. But also, right now, I not even know what self mean or if it mean anything. My "self" sit like stone on the sofa all day and stare into space and wonder why it even is and hope it not has to talk to anybody, because all it good for is to maybe be paperweight. Self is not have any life-force, and positive word to contribute, not any interest in anyone or anything.

Surely, you has experience this way before?

PS. I still forcing self to does things that good for "self" in hopes "self" will respond, i.e., still in therapy, still doing group, get sunshine every day, take walk, eat well, stay clean, get sleep, and does not tell Lenina, but I even take shower other day WITH full on loofa!

trachemys

Ignore me. Fine.

Cow

Trach, I not understand what you so upset with?

courage2

Yes.

I don't know if you'll get better. I hope so, same as I hope for all those I know who are suffering from physical or mental illnesses, losses, financial trouble.

As this is on the alcoholism forum, I'll bring it back: whether or not you'll recover from depression, whether you'll ever be happy, who knows? But I believe and hope you'll achieve solid longterm sobriety from alcohol. Once you've hit a certain point in your drinking -- I expect everyone here knows it -- every drink is just pissing on the wounded. Don't go back there.

Do you know about prasad?

Cow

No. What prasad? I google it, and still not know what it is.

I total agree, any drink is pissing on wounded. I only hope at some point I can tell difference between misery of being depress anhedonic drunk and misery of being merely depress anhedonic. So far, I not gonna lie, it worse, but of course, I understand is adjustment and plus also understand that my inability to tolerate available drug and such is further complication that may elongate adjustments. I trying to be patient, Bunny. I honest is putting forth as good as "spirit" as I can put forth, given what going on with my brain and emotion.

courage2

I know you are. Honestly, I think you're doing pretty beautifully, but I expect it doesn't feel that way.

Prasad is an offering to a god, usually food. Once the food has been prepared and given as an offering, it can be eaten by a person, who then consumes the blessing of the god with it.

Anything can be prasad. The poorest can give prasad.

If you think of your self as an offering, as in "what do I have to offer?" -- then just the act of offering it up will make your self a better thing for you or someone else to live on. Does that make sense?

Tooshabby

This is true, Cow - both aspects of it. You must not forget the first part intellectually, even if you don't 'feel' it. Keep coming back to that..."I am doing beautifully given my life history, physiology etc, etc...it's the truth for all of us. I honestly believe that.

Cow

That cool. I actual try to does the prasad, Bunny, by offering up my humor, even when I in total black bleak emptiness. Cuz I still good at that, and plus also, I has already total lay bare all the despairings in my heart. Sometime a bit of humor, or maybe just silence, that simply the only thing left I has to offer.

You know?

courage2

Babe, it's lovely humor. And you know I like the black & bleak & sometimes quiet package it's all wrapped up in.

Cow

Oh Bunny, I know you just "special guest star" now, but you appearances and you words tonight is very fecund. It mean lot to me. ~Moo Mwah

courage2

You know, you can come find me, any time. It's not like I play hard to get.

Anyway, what I mean, is that as much as you want me to be, I'm here for you.

For right this moment, though, I need to try to sleep. I hope everyone rests easy tonight.

Cow

I know. But truth is, right now, I not can even "find" the total lovely friend that live two door down from me. I not can even find my self. ... But yeah, you pretty much a ****.

and sweet dream Bunny. I does miss you.

courage2

What does it mean about me, that I would thank that comment?

g'nite.

Cow

Well I guess that will has to be explore in our next session, cuz we out of time.

Tooshabby

Mr TS had a really tough day at work and came in the door and exclaimed "Jesus God!!" See Cow? More Cow offerings include increasing (or making more nuanced) the vocabulary of others and assisting their self-expression and catharsis :-)

alphaomega

Oh Cowfriend.

How I wish I could swoop in and make this all go away for you.

I have asked a few times, but you seem reluctant to answer. But since I'm no quitter, I'll ask again. Are you presently sober ? And if so, for how long ?

The reason I ask is because I truly, with all my heart, believe if you can just get away from the hooch, for a substantial amount of time, consistently and without slipping, you may see some radical changes in your brain.

Sending so much love at you.

XO AO

Cow

Jesus God, I just write 2 reply to you that go missing, AO. Anyways, thank you for you kind words.

I not try to evade question. Was talk about a lot in last thread. I not consistently sober. I getting there. ~moo mwah

Hawkeye13

I haven't been either--new Day 4 for me, but really am upping my plan this time.
Bad physical symptoms and I just can't hold up to it and keep it together w/ work, health, mental health, etc.

I feel like Ronda Rousey must feel about now.
Ass-whupped but I still got game to try again.

It'll stick if I don't quit quitting.
Told spouse I'm done trying to connect this way
He needs to meet me on sober terms or we just don't meet. . .

Cow

Yes, you must put you recovery first, Hawk. ... ... I know, look who talking! I not even has spouse, or in relationship, or has childrens, and I still not put recovery first! I needs to break up ...with me!