Holds1325

But I had a drink last night

And?

Nothing happened either way. I didn't feel good, but I didn't feel horrible. I stopped because it just didn't feel appealing anymore.

The reason I made the decision to do it was because like everyone else, I thought it would be OK. And it probably would've been if I wasn't such an addict.

I finished the drink and then felt like nothing really, just tired and went to bed, woke up this morning, continued my routine of exercise and getting ready for work.

I don't know some people may see that as a failure and start back at day 1, me? I don't know what to look at it as. All I know is that I contemplated not posting here because I didn't want anyone putting me down for it. Then again everyones been giving me such good advice that I felt like at least I should put it out there.

Oh well, not going to beat myself down for it, I just don't really care to do it again because it didn't do anything for me like it used to. I tried to use it as an answer for something but of course it never does answer anything.

Well, I guess I strayed off the path but I'm getting back on it.

BixBees505

Just be alert . I think a lot of us could do one drink one day. But if it gives your AV a leg to stand on, what about next week? Tomorrow? later today? For me... they would start stringing together or turning into binges at some point.

So does your new plan for your immediate future include the occasional drink, because obviously you can handle it? :sarcasm:

Sooooooo glad you are posting. You know we all care a LOT.

Holds1325

The future drink doesn't appeal to me, neither did more from last night.

I'm not saying im cured by all means. It doesn't appeal to me because of my addiction, I start thinking about how I could probably have more and it would be OK but the thought of trying to hide everything again, the lifestyle I assumed while on it, just threw me off.

Not to mention I kept referencing back to the post I made about moderation, it sort of engrained itself in my mind and I'm like, well, I can either keep going or I can stop, so I stopped.

I put it out here because I don't want to hide anything, sort of the opposite of what the AV is telling me. I'm not fighting it, im just not listening anymore.

BixBees505

If the next drink does begin to appeal? Do you plan to take it? I did not follow the moderation thread, sorry if asking a repeat.

ScottFromWI

It's not surprising after your post yesterday Holds. And you cannot be "cured" of alcholism..it's a lifelong affliction. I'm not saying this to somehow shame or accuse you of anything, but read back through this thread - you have already started downplaying the incident as if it were nothing out of the ordinary. Yes, many of us have returned to drinking but you need to take what happened very seriously if sobriety is truly your goal.

ScottFromWI

I would add...take a look at your thread title itself. Can you honestly say that after all the time you've spent on SR reading and posting that you "don't know what happened?" That's your addiction talking loud and clear. You need to strengthen your recovery so that when the AV starts talking you have an answer other than picking up a drink, even if it's just one.

Holds1325

I understand scott and I am by no means acting as if it was just another night.

The reason I am downplaying it to some extent is because my OCD brain is going to try and latch and analyze every single bit of it until I'm stuck over thinking the entire ordeal.

I just wanted to put it out there because I infact failed and had a drink. Not too particularly proud but I'm not going to throw my sobriety and jump full on into it (alcoholism) either, sort of wear the uniform if you're working the job type thinking, not going to do that.

But i do get it, I messed up somewhere just not sure where.

JD

And so the journey begins...

ScottFromWI

And that's where you need to start looking for solutions. Go back and read through your posts from yesterday, it will help you. Most times, a "relapse", or whatever you choose to call it, starts well before the Alcohol is actually consumed.

The key is learning from it and also finding ways to supplement your plan, or to see where your plan was lacking.

One thing I'd ask is where you are at with dealing with your anxiety/OCD. A few weeks back you were considering getting some counseling -have you pursued that? The very same OCD you are dealing with today and trying to avoid could very well be part of the problem that led up to the drinking.

BixBees505

JD, that was funny and apropos!!
Holds, SR is here for you, don't doubt that.

JD

Been there, done that. I want to be done with that journey.

Holds1325

Ugh

well at least my optimism isn't completely shot down.

That was my problem I think, my ocd and anxiety got down to manageable levels (finally) and its then that I felt like I could handle anything.

The only thing is I refuse to let this situation put me back into that depressed state, i refuse to let anything put me in that situation, hence me stopping.

I think i just get that forgetful dumb brain that says oh hey its okay we can just forget about all that anxiety again.

Ugh and its super cold and gloomy today,

very fitting.

Holds1325

Not going to water it down, I did consider just not posting here,

I kinda figured that I don't care about the flak I might get, I made the choice, there it is. Not to mention I usually get help from my friends here

Oh well lets pick up and move on, or how about lets just sit here and wallow it? Not sure.

Got too many things going on this holiday season as well, can get sort of overwhelming.

EndGameNYC

There are more choices than "moving on" and "wallowing" following a lapse.

You may want to consider how it is that you spent so much time pondering moderation, and apparently virtually so little time or effort in picking up a drink and its aftermath.

BixBees505

Oh say...I don't think anyone is wallowing...we are only interested in your well-being. That is a fact.

No need for truth to cause depression!! You just need to accurately identify your enemy, Holds! Only way you can win the fight!

Holds1325

I don't get it,

there was no "aftermath" I know some people are expecting me to have some type of sob story about this but to be honest I just want to move on.

Theres a reason I posted here, not to justify anything but because I don't want to do this again.

I pondered it yesterday for awhile, then just decided that I wanted something, anything and then as soon as I "tried it" I quit and left it alone.

I'm not the type to just run off and do something without thinking it through I had some type of motive, although misplaced.

I don't know, is there those that would've hoped I got smacked down hard by it? This isn't the case.

BixBees505

And Holds, I honestly, truly thank you for posting. I get a lot of information and experience from every struggle. I am so new in sobriety that there is no way repetition is anything but good for my own thick skull.

But I am sorry if I kind of hijacked your thread...I really did not intend it to feel that way. I'm gonna shut mouth now.

JD

Please don't feel that anyone is disrespecting you. Because that's not the intent at all. There's a lot of wisdom here and any thing you're thinking has been thought by many, if not all of us. We've all walked in your shoes, and at least in my case, just trying to pass on what I've learned and struggled with.

BixBees505

Absolutely not, Holds........GLAAAAD you are back.

ScottFromWI

That happens more often than you think..I'm glad you decided to come here. Many times posters simply disappear for a bit and then come back after weeks, months, even years of binging after they had "just one".

So the important thing today is that you are here. The next step is to figure out where to go from here. There's lots to address. Just in the last 24 hours you've spent an inordinate amount of time obsessing about moderation. Then you drank. And even today you considered hiding that fact. All three of those things are major red flags you need to acknowledge. It's not all bad....remember you are her now seeking help, which is the best place you can be.