Not sure what happened
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
The one thing that played through my mind last night was:
"You're giving yourself permission, isn't that wrong?"
Might've had something to do with what is said here constantly. I mean i already feel like crap for it but I'm just not in that dark place again, thank God.
I sort of feel like I looked over the edge of a cliff but didn't jump however I might've toyed with the idea and even got ready to do it etc.
"You're giving yourself permission, isn't that wrong?"
Might've had something to do with what is said here constantly. I mean i already feel like crap for it but I'm just not in that dark place again, thank God.
I sort of feel like I looked over the edge of a cliff but didn't jump however I might've toyed with the idea and even got ready to do it etc.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
No harm, no foul. 
I quit smoking weed in the late '80s, but I did try it a few times afterwards, through the mid 90's. I don't know why, really, I guess I was curious what I'd think of it after years of not smoking. Partly it was "peer pressure", people I was with were smoking and I thought, what the hell. I didn't like it, and the last time was really miserable and made me paranoid for hours. But weed was different for me, I smoked daily for years but I quit on my own because it was interfering with my life, no drama, no treatment or support groups, no wreckage, I just decided to stop and I did.
Alcohol is different for me, because there was huge drama and wreckage, I lost myself and I couldn't get out of the hole without a lot of help, and the process changed me in deep ways. So if I were to take a drink, it would be a personal disaster - not because of the drink, but because of all the wisdom and experience I've gathered over the past five years that I would have to knowingly and willfully jettison before taking that drink. Throwing all that away would be the disaster, and the drink would just be the final phase in a relapse that would have started long before, with many opportunities for me to change course, all lost.
And I've set up my life so this is true. No going back, not without going up and over each and every barrier, methodically. It would be a slow deliberate suicide, and not something I can see myself ever doing.
Which kind of "relapse" you had, and why, is for you to figure out.
I quit smoking weed in the late '80s, but I did try it a few times afterwards, through the mid 90's. I don't know why, really, I guess I was curious what I'd think of it after years of not smoking. Partly it was "peer pressure", people I was with were smoking and I thought, what the hell. I didn't like it, and the last time was really miserable and made me paranoid for hours. But weed was different for me, I smoked daily for years but I quit on my own because it was interfering with my life, no drama, no treatment or support groups, no wreckage, I just decided to stop and I did.Alcohol is different for me, because there was huge drama and wreckage, I lost myself and I couldn't get out of the hole without a lot of help, and the process changed me in deep ways. So if I were to take a drink, it would be a personal disaster - not because of the drink, but because of all the wisdom and experience I've gathered over the past five years that I would have to knowingly and willfully jettison before taking that drink. Throwing all that away would be the disaster, and the drink would just be the final phase in a relapse that would have started long before, with many opportunities for me to change course, all lost.
And I've set up my life so this is true. No going back, not without going up and over each and every barrier, methodically. It would be a slow deliberate suicide, and not something I can see myself ever doing.
Which kind of "relapse" you had, and why, is for you to figure out.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
I never thought about how a relapse could occur before the actual drink even happens.
This probably happened a month or so ago when I started playing with the thought of having a few. This then led to even more playing with the idea. I kept shrugging it off though and thinking that its probably normal etc. which it is but I never really took it serious, I just though a craving oh well.
I then began to attribute my panic attacks to smoking weed. Because I smoked weed too, Jeffrey, alot actually, for about 2-3 years and then quit but then started up again. Its this that caused my panic attacks coupled with my brain chemicals being screwed up from alcohol to begin with.
I thought well if I stay away from marijuana I can avoid the panic attacks. This is probably true but I do know alcohol had some type of hand in it. My thinking switched from that to, well i shouldn't have more than the recommended amount.
For what its worth, whenever I said that the alcohol did nothing for me, doesn't mean I'm downplaying it at all, quite the opposite, the fact that it did nothing for me goes to show that I didn't need it in that small amount or that this small amount would even do anything. My brain wanted more because the small amount I did have, did nothing, does that make sense to anyone? So in order to get something out of it, I had to keep drinking, but I refused to because I could feel the memory of the chain alcoholism once was.
I did long for the nice warm buzz feeling and I did get some sense of that, it wasn't warm though and it definitely didn't feel right.
This probably happened a month or so ago when I started playing with the thought of having a few. This then led to even more playing with the idea. I kept shrugging it off though and thinking that its probably normal etc. which it is but I never really took it serious, I just though a craving oh well.
I then began to attribute my panic attacks to smoking weed. Because I smoked weed too, Jeffrey, alot actually, for about 2-3 years and then quit but then started up again. Its this that caused my panic attacks coupled with my brain chemicals being screwed up from alcohol to begin with.
I thought well if I stay away from marijuana I can avoid the panic attacks. This is probably true but I do know alcohol had some type of hand in it. My thinking switched from that to, well i shouldn't have more than the recommended amount.
For what its worth, whenever I said that the alcohol did nothing for me, doesn't mean I'm downplaying it at all, quite the opposite, the fact that it did nothing for me goes to show that I didn't need it in that small amount or that this small amount would even do anything. My brain wanted more because the small amount I did have, did nothing, does that make sense to anyone? So in order to get something out of it, I had to keep drinking, but I refused to because I could feel the memory of the chain alcoholism once was.
I did long for the nice warm buzz feeling and I did get some sense of that, it wasn't warm though and it definitely didn't feel right.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
What happened was you've been planning a relapse, even unconsciously, for awhile, and you acted on it yesterday.
I did the exact same thing about three weeks ago.
Yes, I stopped just as you did and no, I'm not wallowing in it.
However, I am honest enough with myself to admit I had that relapse
locked and loaded well before it happened, and I need to think out my plan
so it doesn't happen again.
I think that's what most of us are trying to tell you.
We get it, we have been there, and the only way out is just stopping for good.
Glad you are back and posting Holds
I did the exact same thing about three weeks ago.
Yes, I stopped just as you did and no, I'm not wallowing in it.
However, I am honest enough with myself to admit I had that relapse
locked and loaded well before it happened, and I need to think out my plan
so it doesn't happen again.
I think that's what most of us are trying to tell you.
We get it, we have been there, and the only way out is just stopping for good.
Glad you are back and posting Holds
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
That just blows my mind away, the fact about the relapse before you act on it, never thought of it like that but its true.
I got so used to the fact that I can handle things. Its like I beat my anxiety and OCD down and then I got arrogant about it, like I can conquer anything! Then the alcoholism slipped in unnoticed and robbed me clean!
I need to rethink my plan, I do have several tools I utilize but perhaps adding one or the other and making simple changes like never going to the store alone again etc.
I got so used to the fact that I can handle things. Its like I beat my anxiety and OCD down and then I got arrogant about it, like I can conquer anything! Then the alcoholism slipped in unnoticed and robbed me clean!
I need to rethink my plan, I do have several tools I utilize but perhaps adding one or the other and making simple changes like never going to the store alone again etc.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Holds1325 
I never thought about how a relapse could occur before the actual drink even happens.
This probably happened a month or so ago when I started playing with the thought of having a few. This then led to even more playing with the idea. I kept shrugging it off though and thinking that its probably normal etc. which it is but I never really took it serious, I just though a craving oh well.
I then began to attribute my panic attacks to smoking weed. Because I smoked weed too, Jeffrey, alot actually, for about 2-3 years and then quit but then started up again. Its this that caused my panic attacks coupled with my brain chemicals being screwed up from alcohol to begin with.
I thought well if I stay away from marijuana I can avoid the panic attacks. This is probably true but I do know alcohol had some type of hand in it. My thinking switched from that to, well i shouldn't have more than the recommended amount.
For what its worth, whenever I said that the alcohol did nothing for me, doesn't mean I'm downplaying it at all, quite the opposite, the fact that it did nothing for me goes to show that I didn't need it in that small amount or that this small amount would even do anything. My brain wanted more because the small amount I did have, did nothing, does that make sense to anyone? So in order to get something out of it, I had to keep drinking, but I refused to because I could feel the memory of the chain alcoholism once was.
I did long for the nice warm buzz feeling and I did get some sense of that, it wasn't warm though and it definitely didn't feel right.
This probably happened a month or so ago when I started playing with the thought of having a few. This then led to even more playing with the idea. I kept shrugging it off though and thinking that its probably normal etc. which it is but I never really took it serious, I just though a craving oh well.
I then began to attribute my panic attacks to smoking weed. Because I smoked weed too, Jeffrey, alot actually, for about 2-3 years and then quit but then started up again. Its this that caused my panic attacks coupled with my brain chemicals being screwed up from alcohol to begin with.
I thought well if I stay away from marijuana I can avoid the panic attacks. This is probably true but I do know alcohol had some type of hand in it. My thinking switched from that to, well i shouldn't have more than the recommended amount.
For what its worth, whenever I said that the alcohol did nothing for me, doesn't mean I'm downplaying it at all, quite the opposite, the fact that it did nothing for me goes to show that I didn't need it in that small amount or that this small amount would even do anything. My brain wanted more because the small amount I did have, did nothing, does that make sense to anyone? So in order to get something out of it, I had to keep drinking, but I refused to because I could feel the memory of the chain alcoholism once was.
I did long for the nice warm buzz feeling and I did get some sense of that, it wasn't warm though and it definitely didn't feel right.
Again, not to say that having one drink last night means you can never be sober, but there's still justification in your post above that you need to acknowledge to move forward.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
My screenname is an acronym for Don"t Want To Be Drunk. When I first signed up I realized I had to think about the letters when typing it in, they don't really "roll off the fingers" easily. I used it at first as an imperative statement , speaking to myself "hey me,even if i(you)want to , don't want to be drunk, how could you want to be in this hellish state with no end in sight, how could I want this.." Over time I was able to see it as a declarative statement , with enough sober time and distance from drinking , I could honestly say I don't want to be drunk.
I wanted to give up being drunk and a drunk, deciding to never be a drunk again meant giving up drinking, too. The only way for me to get back to being a drunk is by drinking. One is nothing but the gateway , or at least that's how I see it, just deciding to try one would be me starting to be willing to go back to being a drunk.
I wanted to give up being drunk and a drunk, deciding to never be a drunk again meant giving up drinking, too. The only way for me to get back to being a drunk is by drinking. One is nothing but the gateway , or at least that's how I see it, just deciding to try one would be me starting to be willing to go back to being a drunk.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pacific Coast
Posts: 785
Eventually I realized I couldn’t out-think my alcohol addiction using the same brain whose ability to think rationally and sensibly had been compromised by it.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t give it a good try for many years
That doesn’t mean I didn’t give it a good try for many years
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi Holds
The most dangerous times for me were when I drank and...nothing happened.
Those times fed that little spark in me that wanted drinking to 'work' for me like it used to, and those times encouraged the part of me that wanted so much not to have to change my life.
Yep.
Those 'nothing happened' times never happened in isolation...invariably they led to more drinking for me.
D
The most dangerous times for me were when I drank and...nothing happened.
Those times fed that little spark in me that wanted drinking to 'work' for me like it used to, and those times encouraged the part of me that wanted so much not to have to change my life.
I never thought about how a relapse could occur before the actual drink even happens.
This probably happened a month or so ago when I started playing with the thought of having a few. This then led to even more playing with the idea. I kept shrugging it off though and thinking that its probably normal etc. which it is but I never really took it serious, I just though a craving oh well.
This probably happened a month or so ago when I started playing with the thought of having a few. This then led to even more playing with the idea. I kept shrugging it off though and thinking that its probably normal etc. which it is but I never really took it serious, I just though a craving oh well.
Yep.
Those 'nothing happened' times never happened in isolation...invariably they led to more drinking for me.
D
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Gonna add to the beat down 
Just kidding of course. So many of us have been there already. The casual slip, the shrug off and then a month from now, the full blown relapse. That's all anyone is trying say, watch that cliff, it's a quick drop and a long way back up and you can't even see the danger until you are already falling. You'll be ok, just notch that slip in the warning category and keep moving forward.
Just kidding of course. So many of us have been there already. The casual slip, the shrug off and then a month from now, the full blown relapse. That's all anyone is trying say, watch that cliff, it's a quick drop and a long way back up and you can't even see the danger until you are already falling. You'll be ok, just notch that slip in the warning category and keep moving forward.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
A good way not to get beaten down is not to post provocatively Holds.
If you want help there's help here...if not, my advice is to log off, go dump the rest of whatever booze you have, and come back tomorrow afresh.
D
If you want help there's help here...if not, my advice is to log off, go dump the rest of whatever booze you have, and come back tomorrow afresh.
D
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This is EXACTLY why I'm afraid of picking up a drink. Because not that much WOULD happen. Sure, I'd feel bad, giving up seven years of sobriety, but I'd probably have the one drink and that would be it.
But then it would start working on my head. "What's the big deal? Hey, so I had one, but I STOPPED. I've got it under control now, and anyway, I won't do it again."
Until it started working on my head some MORE. "Hey, I proved I can stop after one, I can do it again."
And yada yada. Before too long I'd be drinking the same way I did before. Or worse--lots of people wind up worse off after a relapse.
I see no need to beat yourself up for it--what's done is done. But I think it's a very big mistake to treat it lightly. Rather, I think it's important to look at it as a sign you are not accepting some basic truths about yourself.
But then it would start working on my head. "What's the big deal? Hey, so I had one, but I STOPPED. I've got it under control now, and anyway, I won't do it again."
Until it started working on my head some MORE. "Hey, I proved I can stop after one, I can do it again."
And yada yada. Before too long I'd be drinking the same way I did before. Or worse--lots of people wind up worse off after a relapse.
I see no need to beat yourself up for it--what's done is done. But I think it's a very big mistake to treat it lightly. Rather, I think it's important to look at it as a sign you are not accepting some basic truths about yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 108
the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking this is the crux of the problem
we relapse days weeks or months before we pick up ro behaviour come back we isolate we justify the insane idea runs parallel with our sound reasoning and there's an insane idea usually wins out unless we had defense against that first drink do you go to meetings do you have a sponsor have you taken the 12 steps talking online is OK but having a home group people that see you regularly they can identify these behaviors when they begin they can look in our eyes and know when we're full of s*** they can save our lives it's not the first drink that's the problem it's the thinking that happens before that first drink and it's important to identify those thoughts use the tools that we have
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
a couple years into recovery my sponsor told me one day after a meeting,"youre on a premeditated drunk."
i didnt believe him and was a little resentful at him for saying that.
about a month or so later i was headed to get a 12 pack. only thing that stopped me was taking a shower before heading to the store and it hit me jyst what i was planning.
i had been working on that thought for quite some time before my sponsor even told me that.
alcohol-cunning,baffling,powerful,patient,and deadly.
it will tell me one night of drinkings no big deal or justa couple is allright or its ok to keep beer in the fridge.
its a liar.
holds, you can downplay it if ya want. but please think about something:
if i shot a man, but only knicked him, would it be no big deal?
i didnt believe him and was a little resentful at him for saying that.
about a month or so later i was headed to get a 12 pack. only thing that stopped me was taking a shower before heading to the store and it hit me jyst what i was planning.
i had been working on that thought for quite some time before my sponsor even told me that.
alcohol-cunning,baffling,powerful,patient,and deadly.
it will tell me one night of drinkings no big deal or justa couple is allright or its ok to keep beer in the fridge.
its a liar.
holds, you can downplay it if ya want. but please think about something:
if i shot a man, but only knicked him, would it be no big deal?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Holds,
Only you know -- but you do know.
And sounds like you know you are OK if you stop now, and you did.
Good for you.
But folks are just worried because they care about you, ad for most of us its hard once the door opens.
Glad for you it was OK this time.
Only you know -- but you do know.
And sounds like you know you are OK if you stop now, and you did.
Good for you.
But folks are just worried because they care about you, ad for most of us its hard once the door opens.
Glad for you it was OK this time.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Oh well, not going to beat myself down for it, I just don't really care to do it again because it didn't do anything for me like it used to. I tried to use it as an answer for something but of course it never does answer anything.
Holds,
this would suggest the question of "what if it HAD done "something" for you?"
meaning: is the thought process one that says it's not important because it didn't "do" anything? that this somehow means it was "safe"?
and it reminds me of a tool that's been so very helpful to me: to sit, with urging/craving/ just plain oh-how-odd-i-suddenly-want-a-drink feeling as an answer to something and look at where i'm at. what is this thing i want an answer for, and what real answers are there to this dilemma or question i'm in? instead of running to the first apparent answer which answers nothing but the illusion there's something "there".
Holds,
this would suggest the question of "what if it HAD done "something" for you?"
meaning: is the thought process one that says it's not important because it didn't "do" anything? that this somehow means it was "safe"?
and it reminds me of a tool that's been so very helpful to me: to sit, with urging/craving/ just plain oh-how-odd-i-suddenly-want-a-drink feeling as an answer to something and look at where i'm at. what is this thing i want an answer for, and what real answers are there to this dilemma or question i'm in? instead of running to the first apparent answer which answers nothing but the illusion there's something "there".
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
Holds, I don't want to pile on, but I have absolutely no respect for you. Because you took a drink? No, because you're drinking "Bud Lite Limes." I was a little surprised by the "wife" comments as I assumed you were a chick 
All joking aside, thanks for the important post. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. The comments about relapsing mentally weeks before taking the first drink really resonate with me. I've been relapsing mentally this past week without realizing it. Without your post I'd probably be at the local Belgian Tavern today knocking back a few strong Belgian Ales. It's the holiday season, and these thoughts have started creeping into my head. "It's ok, you deserve it" nonsense. Again, I know you've been beaten up a little, but a heartfelt thanks for starting the conversation!
All joking aside, thanks for the important post. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. The comments about relapsing mentally weeks before taking the first drink really resonate with me. I've been relapsing mentally this past week without realizing it. Without your post I'd probably be at the local Belgian Tavern today knocking back a few strong Belgian Ales. It's the holiday season, and these thoughts have started creeping into my head. "It's ok, you deserve it" nonsense. Again, I know you've been beaten up a little, but a heartfelt thanks for starting the conversation!
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