theend1980

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We jumped into the relationship fast and moved in together even faster. Alcohol fueled our dating, my decision-making......

I will have 9 months of sobriety this month. I am really struggling with our relationship at this time. My bf has been very supportive of my sobriety and I am extremely grateful for that. On the other hand, we have a lot of issues and are often at odds with each other. I have a young child and he has two.

I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him as I am financially supporting us. He was going through a divorce when he moved in and told me he would be financially strapped for awhile. At this point though, I feel taken advantage of.

We have extremely different views on parenting our children, life, a lot of things. Things I didn't know about since I jumped into this relationship so quickly.

I am just getting ready to start my 4th step. My sponsor has advised me not to make any changes until I have done some step work and developed some tools that I can bring to the table in order to try and reconcile our differences. I know that I have played my own part in the issues that we face. At the same time, 9 months of sobriety have brought me some clarity as to what I want in a relationship as well as what I feel I deserve now that I am starting to get back some self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

My sponsor said I owe it to the relationship to stick with it. I am really struggling with that. I have always jumped from one relationship to another and feel like maybe it is time to be on my own for awhile and focus on my recovery and daughter.

I would appreciate and thoughts, advice, feedback. Thank you!

LexieCat

The "conventional wisdom" in AA is to make no major changes the first year of sobriety (it isn't in the Book but it's still widely regarded as sound advice). Sometimes there is no choice and you have to make a major change.

My own suggestion is that you take a few more months to consider what you want. I'm not suggesting you "owe" the relationship anything. But working the Steps will help you to take a more realistic look at the relationship, your resentments, and your own part in them. That will serve you well in your continued sobriety. Remember, there are children who will be affected by your actions, too. So moving slowly will help improve the chances that you can separate gracefully without undue harm to anyone (including you).

If you are certain you want to move on, maybe you can start having some discussions with your significant other so it doesn't come as a total shock and so he has some time to figure out what he is going to do (having kids he's responsible for, too).

Good luck, and keep working on yourself--it will pay off big time, no matter what you do.

ScottFromWI

First off, congrats on your 9 months, that's fantastic!

Change is always difficult, but from what you list it seems that you have very fundamental differences on several things. Is your boyfriend aware of how different you feel on all these issues?

totfit

I don't think you "owe" anything to your relationship. I also think that at 9 months of sobriety, you should have a bit more clarity and if you find your relationship not satisfying, then there may in fact be something to it. I don't think you should hold your decision making process accountable to a "yardstick" or arbitrary 12 month "rule". Let your intuition and knowledge of the situation be your guide. If you need more guidance find a good friend that knows you or seek professional advice. Often "sponsors" are ill equipped to advice folks on sensitive matters such as this. I see that you owe yourself more than any relationship.

Debbie329

I was always a single mother and I liked it that way because I like to have my own domain. It would be impossible for me to be around someone who's beliefs and style clashed w mine. I make no apologies for this I am how I am. It's must be pretty stressful for you. I say the only people you owe something to is you and your daughter. If you decide to part you can still interact w his children just in a different way. Maybe you'll have sleepovers or outings w the children until they become adjusted to their new situation. In time they will find there own way w school and new friends. That's my take on it.

Soberwolf

I think it's best you telling your bf how you feel tbh and then getting on the same page if that isn't possible then you always have us & AA whatever you choose to do

Nice to meet you btw & Welcome TheEnd

theend1980

Yes, he is aware of how our views differ greatly. He thinks that I get upset about little things that do not matter having to do with parenting, etc. Although to me, they aren't little things....

Friend Of Bill

my sponsor always told me that there is no way he was to be my therapist relationship expert or marriage counselor but chapter 7 give some good advice page 98 second paragraph the bottom of page 99 and top of page 100 in our book Alcoholics Anonymous he gives a little advice I do know that would ever replace the head of our recovery we normally lose it is important to place our conception of God and I recovery first and foremost

Sizzle

Now that I'm sober, I look back on the relationships I had while addicted to alcohol. There's no way I could relate to those relationships while sober. In many cases, those relationships were just as dysfunctional as the drinking itself. Being sober and having a clearer mind really opens up one's perspective in many ways. Though I am able to be somewhat of a friend to a person I had a relationship with while drinking - and friendship is all that's possible. There's no way that I could go back to the relationship as I'm a much different person while sober. My thoughts and desires are much different now that I've separated myself from alcohol.

Hawkeye13

Why are you supporting him and his kids?

I would certainly resent that--it is taking resources from your daughter

advbike

Sometimes it's more than just an alcohol problem. Even after a year of sobriety I made bad relationship decisions. I have problems with relationships due to childhood trauma, the full extent to which I wasn't aware of until I was sober for over a year. Unfortunately, in the meantime, I jumped into a new relationship and now I'm stuck, and unable to put myself first and leave.

Even after two years of sobriety, I'm unable to separate. There's nothing really bad or harmful, I'm just not happy due to age and cultural differences, and most critical, I'm unable here to work on my own stuff. ACA meetings just aren't available where I am. I have known for some time that it isn't healthy for me and wish I could put myself first.