Thoughts?
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Thoughts?
Ideally I'd like to be in a relationship with a non drinker. My bf is a drinker who only drinks on weekends but always binges and drank much more in past years. He resents the idea of never having another drink again but tells me that he feels much better when he does not drink at all, ever, and eats properly, walks a little each day and other things I have introduced him to despite my huge flaw of alcoholism.
His thinking about alcohol is classic, textbook alcoholic thinking- worrying about having enough, about having the following day free to recover, having the necessary hangover foods and drinks etc. And when he drinks he prefers to be alone because he wants NOTHING to get in the way of his next drink. Textbook alcoholic obsessing. Now is it unfair to want him to abstain? I would love a partner who helped me put the brakes on at the mere mention of drinking, someone who loved me enough to say "NO way". I'd do it for him. I can't even stand the thought of him eating a piece of white bread because it's bad for him. I resent the fact that when I fell off the wagon he was all for it because it meant he could drink. I'm confused.
I think we are both alkies just different in practice. I think there is nothing, absolutely nothing to lose by just swearing off alcohol forever. I would love to have a partner in this.
I also dislike that I am the one to bring this up and think about it... and talk about it... it makes me feel as if I care more for his well being than he does for mine.
His thinking about alcohol is classic, textbook alcoholic thinking- worrying about having enough, about having the following day free to recover, having the necessary hangover foods and drinks etc. And when he drinks he prefers to be alone because he wants NOTHING to get in the way of his next drink. Textbook alcoholic obsessing. Now is it unfair to want him to abstain? I would love a partner who helped me put the brakes on at the mere mention of drinking, someone who loved me enough to say "NO way". I'd do it for him. I can't even stand the thought of him eating a piece of white bread because it's bad for him. I resent the fact that when I fell off the wagon he was all for it because it meant he could drink. I'm confused.
I think we are both alkies just different in practice. I think there is nothing, absolutely nothing to lose by just swearing off alcohol forever. I would love to have a partner in this.
I also dislike that I am the one to bring this up and think about it... and talk about it... it makes me feel as if I care more for his well being than he does for mine.
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If he has no intentions of giving up his binge drinking, then I think you know what you'll have to do. Be thankful you're not married to him and I'll assume no kids involved. Sorry to be so blunt on this Saturday night, but it is what it is...
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No, he's open to it. Just resents it!
Besides that he is the most wonderful person I have dated. Just this one thing! Alcoholism runs in his family too. The difference, his family actually cares and has talked to him about it. He cut back over the years and then quit recently with just a few here and there. But he always says he has to have 20 otherwise there's no point.
I really have an issue with being the one to bring it up and having more concern for our future together and generally being more responsible healthwise, like getting proper checkups and that kind of thing.
It also seems to be a really typical male thing to stick your head in the sand when it comes to taking care of your health. It gets really exhausting after awhile. I just want to scream "Be a grown up and go to the doctor once in awhile!"
Besides that he is the most wonderful person I have dated. Just this one thing! Alcoholism runs in his family too. The difference, his family actually cares and has talked to him about it. He cut back over the years and then quit recently with just a few here and there. But he always says he has to have 20 otherwise there's no point.
I really have an issue with being the one to bring it up and having more concern for our future together and generally being more responsible healthwise, like getting proper checkups and that kind of thing.
It also seems to be a really typical male thing to stick your head in the sand when it comes to taking care of your health. It gets really exhausting after awhile. I just want to scream "Be a grown up and go to the doctor once in awhile!"
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Hi Sleepie. I'm not sure if you know the history of me and my hubby. We met as a couple of heavy drinkers, had lots of fun, moved across into alcoholism at some point during our lives, stopped having fun and did a lot of things we regretted, gave up together for a few years, relapsed together and now he drinks and I dont.
Now, I could spend a long time analysing the similarities and differences in our drinking and at times it still causes me lots of angst.
Of course he puts his drinking ahead of me. That's what alcoholics do, it's certainly what I did.
He is a loving, funny, devoted husband and Father and I love him very much. We've been married for 25 years and have faced a lot of stuff together. What I have learned over the past year is that I have absolutely no control over his drinking. There are things I cannot tolerate and I've put my boundaries down. I need to be truthful with him but ultimately the choices he makes are his.
The fact that he chooses alcohol over me doesn't make me love him any less, but I do feel sad. Often. If I was just starting out as a non-drinker with no history with him, I know I wouldn't choose this life for myself.
I guess, ultimately, it's only our own lives we have choices to make about. Do you want this for yourself forever?
Now, I could spend a long time analysing the similarities and differences in our drinking and at times it still causes me lots of angst.
Of course he puts his drinking ahead of me. That's what alcoholics do, it's certainly what I did.
He is a loving, funny, devoted husband and Father and I love him very much. We've been married for 25 years and have faced a lot of stuff together. What I have learned over the past year is that I have absolutely no control over his drinking. There are things I cannot tolerate and I've put my boundaries down. I need to be truthful with him but ultimately the choices he makes are his.
The fact that he chooses alcohol over me doesn't make me love him any less, but I do feel sad. Often. If I was just starting out as a non-drinker with no history with him, I know I wouldn't choose this life for myself.
I guess, ultimately, it's only our own lives we have choices to make about. Do you want this for yourself forever?
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Jen thank you for all that. Well now that makes me sad too after I read your other post, you have a kind heart.
I know that he will pretty much do what I ask, but that's also part of the problem- I wish he'd be more proactive... it feels like I am in charge all of the time. Does that make sense? Like I have to decide what we do.
I know that he will pretty much do what I ask, but that's also part of the problem- I wish he'd be more proactive... it feels like I am in charge all of the time. Does that make sense? Like I have to decide what we do.
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I asked him to never, ever, let me drink again. As in if I even bring it up just say No. I totally would do that to him! Completely! Do most alcoholics have to ask their loved one to say "Hey how about you don't"? I would have liked it if he gave me an ultimatum and said "Me or alcohol", I would have felt that he cared. Is that weird? So now I gave him one and said "If I ever drink again, I am breaking up with you". I can't do this alone, I need his support, and I don't think that is wrong- the people I have cared for in my life I have gone above and beyond for them. And would again.
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Yes, it makes sense. I'm far more of a decision maker myself than he ever will be. But, we've been together a long time and I think that makes a difference. I just accept that's the way things are. You don't need to.
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Relationships are about mutual respect and acceptance. I hear a lot of you want him to do this, that, and the other. It doesn't matter what he says he feels when he does what you want. His words may be to simply placate you.
Your sobriety is for you. Because you want it. Doesn't matter how anyone else behaves or what they want for themselves. A lot of us have quit and have boyfriends, partners, or spouses who still drink.We choose the sobriety for ourselves.
I have been married 23 years and couldn't imagine asking my husband to stop. He enjoys a drink or two. It is in our home and it means nothing. I know some people who quit and refuse to be around it. That's okay but that is your decision for your life.
Your sobriety is for you. Because you want it. Doesn't matter how anyone else behaves or what they want for themselves. A lot of us have quit and have boyfriends, partners, or spouses who still drink.We choose the sobriety for ourselves.
I have been married 23 years and couldn't imagine asking my husband to stop. He enjoys a drink or two. It is in our home and it means nothing. I know some people who quit and refuse to be around it. That's okay but that is your decision for your life.
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If he's a "normal" drinker, I think that's fine. My wife has her 1-2 glasses of wine each night without a problem. Your sobriety is your responsibility.
However, you indicated he's a binge drinker with alcoholism on his family side, right?
However, you indicated he's a binge drinker with alcoholism on his family side, right?
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Hi sleepie.
I just would would like to share the very first thoughts I had after reading this post and don't want to be the devil's advocate even though I'm aware it may sound like it. You clearly have a strong pattern of worrying about a zillion things around you, you find things to be anxious about and wish they were different, and you know this well. I feel these thoughts about your bf's drinking may be a bit similar... now you worry about his drinking, whether he has problems or not, and seem to recognize a problem. Then wish they weren't there. I wonder how cultivating these thoughts about him and analyzing his drinking affect your sobriety and healing? You know, many people like to have a few drinks on weekends and get tipsy or even drunk occasionally -- most never develop any significant problem.
If his drinking bothers you, I think it's perfectly fine to ask him not to do it in your home. But more than that... we cannot truly set other people right or even limit their desires, just look into the F&F section here, demonstrates it perfectly. Why not focus on your recovery and finding support where there is, instead of dreaming of it where there isn't?
Again, I apologize if I came across harsh, it wasn't my intention at all but I did want to be direct.
I just would would like to share the very first thoughts I had after reading this post and don't want to be the devil's advocate even though I'm aware it may sound like it. You clearly have a strong pattern of worrying about a zillion things around you, you find things to be anxious about and wish they were different, and you know this well. I feel these thoughts about your bf's drinking may be a bit similar... now you worry about his drinking, whether he has problems or not, and seem to recognize a problem. Then wish they weren't there. I wonder how cultivating these thoughts about him and analyzing his drinking affect your sobriety and healing? You know, many people like to have a few drinks on weekends and get tipsy or even drunk occasionally -- most never develop any significant problem.
If his drinking bothers you, I think it's perfectly fine to ask him not to do it in your home. But more than that... we cannot truly set other people right or even limit their desires, just look into the F&F section here, demonstrates it perfectly. Why not focus on your recovery and finding support where there is, instead of dreaming of it where there isn't?
Again, I apologize if I came across harsh, it wasn't my intention at all but I did want to be direct.
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I understand. 20 in a night every weekend though, that just disturbs me. It's never a drink or 2 it's none or 20.
I guess I'll just let him drink and find elsewhere to stay while he drinks. The smell of it and the day after really nauseates me.
he used to hide vodka bottles, years ago and his sister found them and his family talked to him.
Is it wrong of me to feel responsible a little for him? I mean I do love the guy.
I guess I'll just let him drink and find elsewhere to stay while he drinks. The smell of it and the day after really nauseates me.
he used to hide vodka bottles, years ago and his sister found them and his family talked to him.
Is it wrong of me to feel responsible a little for him? I mean I do love the guy.
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I really can't put it any better than Jeni or Aellyce did Sleepie.
It would be nice to have a supportive partner...but the other side of the coin is important too.
I got sober when I was single and I'm glad of that - I needed to do this sober thing for me, I needed to take the reins myself - I needed to rely on noone but me.
D
It would be nice to have a supportive partner...but the other side of the coin is important too.
I got sober when I was single and I'm glad of that - I needed to do this sober thing for me, I needed to take the reins myself - I needed to rely on noone but me.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I'm in a similar situation to Jen, as you know sleepie,
and I totally get wanting to have a sober household.
But I can't "make" my husband stop.
I wish I could, and I certainly would find sobriety much easier
(and more fun) if my partner would join and support me.
Ultimately, I have to decide if that is a dealbreaker for me.
I don't know yet. I have nearly twenty years invested and
I love him very much, but I also want to live out my life sober
and in a space where alcohol has no place or focus.
I think if you "make" him quit, it will backfire.
He will resent it, or sneak it, or outright rebel down the road.
People will do what they do.
I keep hoping my husband will choose differently, but the choice is still his.
Hugs
Tough place to be. . .
and I totally get wanting to have a sober household.
But I can't "make" my husband stop.
I wish I could, and I certainly would find sobriety much easier
(and more fun) if my partner would join and support me.
Ultimately, I have to decide if that is a dealbreaker for me.
I don't know yet. I have nearly twenty years invested and
I love him very much, but I also want to live out my life sober
and in a space where alcohol has no place or focus.
I think if you "make" him quit, it will backfire.
He will resent it, or sneak it, or outright rebel down the road.
People will do what they do.
I keep hoping my husband will choose differently, but the choice is still his.
Hugs
Tough place to be. . .
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Lots of good advice here sleepie. I know you don't think "black and white"'but this is a black and white issue. You cannot control his drinking any more than he can control yours. While it would be "nice" if that were true, it's not. The longer you hope it comes true or fantasize about it the more pain you will cause yourself.
Whether or not that means your relationship need to end I don't know, but you need to realize that in regard to the drinking, only he can change himself and he may never do that.
Whether or not that means your relationship need to end I don't know, but you need to realize that in regard to the drinking, only he can change himself and he may never do that.
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I think you deserve a more supportive partner, Sleepie, but it doesn't sound like you can expect THIS partner to be that for you. Can you accept him for exactly who he is, and make your future choices accordingly? Either ending the relationship and freeing each of you to find someone who can provide what you are looking for, or staying and adjusting to the fact that you won't get the kind of support from him you want?
I know, it always feels like there SHOULD be the third choice where the other person changes into who you want them to be. I suppose that happens sometimes, but you cannot count on it or make it happen. Whatever you decide. I hope this works out for you.
I know, it always feels like there SHOULD be the third choice where the other person changes into who you want them to be. I suppose that happens sometimes, but you cannot count on it or make it happen. Whatever you decide. I hope this works out for you.
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Originally Posted by sleepie 
I asked him to never, ever, let me drink again. As in if I even bring it up just say No. I totally would do that to him! Completely! Do most alcoholics have to ask their loved one to say "Hey how about you don't"? I would have liked it if he gave me an ultimatum and said "Me or alcohol", I would have felt that he cared. Is that weird? So now I gave him one and said "If I ever drink again, I am breaking up with you". I can't do this alone, I need his support, and I don't think that is wrong- the people I have cared for in my life I have gone above and beyond for them. And would again.
Support can be given in other ways. Its beyond disturbing that your BF was happy when you relapsed. This to me is classic undermining someone. He was happy when you failed at something that is very important to you, healthy for you, and necessary for you. This is no good my friend.
My advice would be to start focusing on what you want to live with rather than being irritated by his lack of support, or reluctance in addressing his own drinking issues. You need to set some boundaries for yourself. I don't see that he is willing to compromise on this issue so you need to figure out if you can live with it, stay sober, and be happy.
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