tomsteve

i think this is more appropriate so as to not be offensive to the men out there that are making healthy decisions and not being dependant on a codependant.

zjw

I agree with 2ndhandrose as far as the drinking goes its like you gotta put the blinders on and think well one of us better be the strong one here or we will both fall apart together. My wife doesnt have a drinking issue but we both smoked and smoked dope etc.. we could be each others worst enemy and totaly estatic if we had quit and the other decided to cave cause then it meant we could both endulge again yipeee! like to little kids basicly . When i quit smoking the last time i was like welp i gotta be strong cuase if i'm not she'll cave. I think she finally felt the same. sometimes she'd be the strong one in a "quit" and i'd cause her to cave. That is probably more how it went down too to be honest.

I dunno that men ever totally grow up lol.

It almost sounds liek he's got some socialy awkwardness going on etc.. IE issues intereacting with people and such. it seems odd to me if he had a good upbringing and all that he's so goofed up in this regard? I know i had a lot of issues in my relationship early on no idea how to have one. issues interacting with others is still a problem for me. I socialize like its a damn accident! I think a lot of it has to do with my upbringing then all the years of drinking supressed any growth I could have had. Sobered up and had to start figureing it out. Still dont got it yet tho. That being said when you describe him I can kinda understand some of his thinking. Heck just this past week I never left the house. run outside? why i got a treadmill go to the store? meh i'll send my wife i never went anywhere. I just have issues walking out the front door at times its so strange I dont get it. I forced myself to get out with the living this weekend to run some errands.

bigsombrero

When I got sober, I was single - my drinking resulted in my prior relationship going down the toilet before I went to rehab. Being single in early sobriety was great, and when I finally got around to seeking a new mate, I was lucky enough to find a woman who does not drink. Being in a relationship is hard, I can't imagine what it would be like if one of us were drinking constantly.

Being in a relationship with a non-drinker has worked best for me. Being single for the first 1 or 2 years of sobriety was also important in my personal growth. Hope your situation works out, and you find a solution that works for you.

sleepie

Thanks guys.
He is not a constant drinker. Nowhere near. He just binges when he does. Not god for his health.

ScottFromWI

What is a lot more important than his health is yours (both mentally and physically) in this situation. You started out the thread by suggesting that you would rather be with a non-drinker, and then went through several issues that seem pretty detrimental. He exhibits classic alcoholic thoughts. He doesn't support your sobriety. He mocks you when you fail.

The fact that he's not a "constant" drinker seems pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of thigns. It doesn't make changing him any more likely either.

zjw

Does sound like his drinking could progress to something more.mi was a binge weekend drinker total alcoholic but just for 2 days so I called it in winding or having a good time then I became the daily drinker.

sleepie

He never mocks me. Never. That would be cruel and he is NOT a cruel person.

He is just a rather alcoholically thinking person. Which I understand. And please try and respect that this is a person I love and care about very much.

Anyway it seems like sobriety is all on me and I have no reason to expect a supportive partner so there's that I suppose.

That's just strange to me because I don't have a "Lookin' out for number one" kind of attitude, I would pretty much walk over broken glass for my friends. And I have always been that way.

fantail

Sleepie, I'm with a guy (kinda, it's complicated) with whom I have an incredibly deep, loving bond. We click intellectually and we've also got that whole love birds thing going on intermittently.

But we're a bad match relationship-wise. There are a lot of issues on both sides but the one that relates here is that I often don't feel supported or cared for. We've been together for two years and there are tons of things he's never asked about, or listened to when I bring it up. His attention span is very limited and I feel like a channel that he is raptly engaged with, but only when that's the channel he's watching, on his schedule.

He also listens, and we've talked and talked and tried and tried to fix the relationship. It's sad but I'm coming to terms with the fact that it just isn't going to work for me. I can't change him and it's not healthy for me to be with someone who's emotionally unpredictable. I need secure attachments in my life; it makes me happy and it makes me feel safe.

Not saying that's the right option for you. But having spent the last... jeez, year or so... thinking about this, I do think it comes down to 2 options: A) make the changes you need in yourself to be able to be happy in this environment (e.g. have a social life very independent of him; arrange for him to drink elsewhere only), or B) look for a different partner. You may be the one who comes up with the outings etc, but it sounds like he's actually holding his ground far more firmly than you are. He's living the way he wants to live, while you're limiting yourself based on the relationship.

Venecia

You absolutely have reason to expect, and deserve, a supportive partner.

sleepie

I wasn't getting that impression Venecia... I feel bad for having any expectations in life. I've gotten the "You're on your own" thing since I was a kid. And that expectations are selfish.

Fantail thank you for all of that sharing. I think I will try for option A. I am glad you put it that way. I do not know how to get over my very intense fear of being out alone though.

Dee74

There's a *massive* difference between suggesting that ultimately the recovery buck stops with us, and anyone saying that you don't deserve or should not expect a supportive partner, sleepie....

D

sleepie

What is appropriate/realistic to ask for/expect in that regard?

fantail

For going out alone, what about joining a small group of some sort? I think you said somewhere that you're an artist, maybe there's a studio where you could work around other people or something like that. That's generally how I find people (interest groups) because I'm too shy to just plain old mingle with strangers.

Dee74

I think it would vary from couple to couple, Sleepie.

I learned a lot about healthy boundaries and expectations from Melody Beattie's Codependent No More - and from my wife

She's supportive without doing things for me I can do myself.

That used to give me some resentment in the beginning but she's no fool...I wouldn't have it any other way now

D

Friend Of Bill

we simply don't put our dependence of other people ahead of the dependence upon god page 98 3rd paragraph bottom of page 99 top of 100 tell him I love you GOODBYE your life and sanity depends on you putting your recovery first I learned in my fear list that I was afraid of being loved not being loved being in love now I trust and rely on my higher power keep close to him and he will provide what you need page 63 2rd step promises you will find love JUST KNOW GOD LOVES YOU GOD FORGIVES YOU now you love and forgive him but honestly look out for number one there is no place for him in your life if he is drinking

ScottFromWI

Whatever you feel is appropriate is what you should ask for in life. There are no guarantees, we reap what we sow so to speak.

If you feel that you would be better off in a relationship with someone who is more supportive of your sobriety than that is a choice you can make. You can either have a very candid talk with your current boyfriend and explain this all to him and see if he would be wiling to do so. If he will not, then you can move on and find a different relationship, or perhaps no relationship for a while.

zjw

Did we have the same parents? I was taught the same thing about expectations and while its true to a degree i guess the message got perverted in my head or well maybe they meant it that way. But for example my grandmother always asked for a christmas list being raised that it was rude to ask of things from others and selfish I never did make one. One time I finally did I went to mail it and i was promplty beaten and told it was rude of me to make a christmas list for my grandmother.

That lesson and many like it confused me a lot about intereaction with others and whats ok and whats not. I've sinced realized there is nothing wrong with saying hey you wanna get me somethign for christmas you keep asking ok I want such and such then! nothing wrong with that they are offering it would be there pleasure to do something for me its ok to tell them etc..

But I can also see how expecting something from someone else is could be seen as selfish or rude. IE if no offer was made and we just expect i can see the flaw there. It probably does us more harm then anything. Attachments expectations and desires all really screw me.

I guess I had to be ok being alone. Be ok with the fact that other people in my life sadly didnt have the ability to jump inside of me and just fix things. and MAN I WISH they could. I certainly would do it for someone else if i could! But I guess its also good for me to go through things alone if you will becuase one day these other people may not be there to help me then who can i rely on for help other then myself? Its like welp better figure this out now then while its a hair easier.

Thats an awesome quality but dont do it at the expense of your own well being. what good can you be for others if your a mess yourself?

My mom is like that she'll give you the shirt off her back even if shes deathly ill and she'll be outside naked in a snow storm. I watch constantly as she destroys herself for the sake of others. Its commendable to a degree sure but the poor womens gonna drop dead of preventable things if she doesnt start taking care of herself. She puts everyone and everything else before taking care of herself. I think thats the kicker. Its not that you selfishly should look out for number 1 its just that you gotta take care of number 1 so that you can take care of others.

I dont think you got it all wrong just make sure your taking care of yourself too.

zjw

i hate to say it too tho and i've said it 1000 times sobering up was probably the most selfish thing I've ever done in my life. I really had to make life all about me in order to get sober. now that i'm better I can worry about others more and more. One person told me recently its nice to help someone else it gets our minds off ourselves. I was like yeah what a great point. and I need that at times.

Choicy

Even on here, I trust other's voices more than my own. It makes me feel really sad. Encouragement is so necessary for me, it's embarrassing to admit. I've messed up by listening to others and ignoring my own voice, AND by ignoring others and "gunna do it anyway." It makes it tricky to constantly reflect on what I just did. In the end I feel crappy anyway, because they're all my choice.

Dee74

I found that after a little while I began to trust my gut again Choicy...when you're living right and facing your problems instead of running away from them, I think you start to gain an appreciation of what you can do, rather than what you can't ?

At least thats how it worked for me

D