Jeni26

Hi my friends. I need some help. When I analyse my relapses in my attempts to get sober...the first after a few months, the second after a few years...they have boiled down to the same reason...making something bigger than God, trying to BE God and putting myself in charge, thinking I can profoundly alter other people or situations. And for me this is my work. Always work. It is so much more than a job to me. I work in management with children with physical and neurological impairments. Many have life limiting conditions such as muscular dystrophy. Many have communication or learning disabilities as a result of this. I have this need to fight for the kids, to change their lives for the better and I put in vast amounts of emotional energy to try and make this happen. There are no half-measures, never was. Psychologists would have a field day...it all leads back to childhood...being the eldest of 4 kids in an abusive home, I would consider it my responsibility to be there for my siblings.

So we have a difficult and stressful work situation involving child protection. Accusations flying around, some poor practice, things I'm not comfortable with, some of which is being challenged and some not. An unhappy staff, lots of conflict, mediation meetings...blah blah blah. I'm not sleeping, I have a permanent pain in my chest...

And today my head and heart hurt so much. I feel totally inadequate, and I am having a serious case of the '**** its', let's go buy vodka.

It's like a huge circle. Work is just too big. How do I stop it from being my life's mission? Because until I do so, I don't ever think recovery will be solid for me.

Dee74

Some areas of work are hard to let go of - especially when your work involves vulnerable kids and you have a strong sense of duty.

where that becomes a little unhealthy is when you start to think even unconsciously that you're indispensable.

You're not - and I don't mean that in a cutting way...but if you stopped working tomorrow for whatever reason those kids would still have help and support.

I don't think you have a big head or ego either - like you said you feel inadequate not messianic - but you may have a unbalanced sense of duty....again I have some personal experience there

The danger with seeing your job as a personal vocation is you can burn out very easily - I hope you're getting the sense of personal experience here from me

Maybe it's not so much the fact that work is so big but the fact that you haven't really got a healthy balance in your life between your time and self care and the time & care you give to others?

Maybe a first step might be looking at what healthy coping mechanisms you have in place to deal with stress, to replace the the old go to tool of alcohol Jeni?

D

Jeni26

I have spent so much time developing those tools Dee. I have a great support network, I exercise and go swimming every morning before school to set me up for the day, I eat well, I meditate. There aren't enough hours in the day to fit in anything else!

I don't know. So much of who I am is tied up in my career. It isn't healthy. Maybe it's just time to move on. I cannot seem to switch off, or take things personally, no matter what. It's a problem I need to solve though for sure.

I don't think I'm indispensable, or at least I don't think so, but while I'm there it's 100% from me.

venuscat

Hi Jen ~ the bottom line here is that you didn't go and buy the vodka. You didn't throw in the towel. As you said, you are working hard to develop the tools you need to maintain your sobriety and your serenity. But for sure, with your job ~ which is so much more than a job ~ there is a HUGE emotional investment. Some days are harder than others, and sometimes you feel like you might break.

But you didn't.

For me, as a recovering alcoholic, this is always a win.
And perhaps a sign to try and take more time for you. A day off if you can, some time to walk among those windflowers again.

It's easier to organise a day off than to make a big decision when you're not in the right frame of mind, no?
Please try and take a little time for you love.

Berrybean

I know how you feel Jeni - I work with SEN teenagers (in a school setting) and in wanting the best for people in my tutor group it is easy to get an imbalanced sense of duty. I try to remember that I am one of team around the child, and make sure that I speak to my head of 6th form, or the school head about things that are playing on my mind so that they can help me work on my perspective and not let things get out of control (in my head).

This last year I have tried really hard to just focus on doing what I can, and one job at a time, rather than constantly letting the big picture (which is beyond my control) detract my focus from the smaller details that I do have some control over. I really didn't think I would ever be able to get a sense of work-life balance, and be able to do my work in a calm and methodical manner. I was too reactionary, which I thought that was because I 'cared'. I still care now - I just look more objectively at my feelings about situations and decide whether that feeling is useful or not. If it is not, then I pray to my higher power to remove it (like a resentment prayer I suppose). Prayer / meditation is powerful - I suspect because it helps us to gradually alter our perspective, and is also a calming pocket of being present in the moment where we are consciously rejecting other intrusive thoughts.

I think I already shared with you my favourite prayer for when things aren't going so well, but I'm going to share it again. It's coming up, if you don't want to see it, avert you eyes.......

NOW!

God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.

Thinking of you Jeni.

PS Did you check out if your work has any counselling schemes that they're part of that they can refer you to? My school / County Council is subscribed to one, so my head was able to refer me for counselling sessions (this time last year) when I was one big emotional and stress-head mess and feeling quite poorly with it all.

Berrybean

Sorry Jeni - me again...

PS Could you dig out the document that has your job description on it.
I suspect that if you look at that you will see, quite clearly, that you are fulfilling the role that was given to you, and that the things that you are stressing about NOT doing are the responsibilities that you have invented for yourself in a search for the ideal solution.
Try to get really familiar with your job description. This is your side of the street to keep clean, and to do your best in. If you find yourself getting distracted with things that aren't in your job description, force yourself to 'mind YOUR business'. This might sound like being irresponsible, or uncaring to you at the moment (like it did to me when I was given this advice) but it's just common sense really. You haven't been put there to solve everything. Nobody can do that. Not me, not you. We just play our parts.
If there are things on that job description that make you think 'oh sh*t, I haven't been doing / can't do that' then you can deal with that small part of the problem by speaking to someone (your supervisor or colleague) to find out if there are things that can change so you CAN do it, or if actually it isn't possible and things needs to be reviewed as a department. (Some job descriptions really can be vastly optimistic, especially when new roles are created - I've seen some from my school that have made my eyebrow positively jump off the top of my head.)

It's no good trying to steer elephants by hanging onto their tail - sometimes we just need to leave the elephants to God, or the elephant keepers x

Jeni26

Thank you. I'm feeling a bit more positive. Yes, I can get free stress counselling too from the education department. I've always worried about doing that, but it's definitely an option.

I just need to get things right sized in my head. I'm doing so much better than I was, yet I go round and round with this work stuff. I can live with an alcoholic husband, I can juggle life and not get too stressy when the fridge is filled with beer and he's regularly drunk. Yet...

No, I haven't bought vodka, so yes, this was a success. Until the next time. Maybe I just need to sell the house, ditch the job and hubby and go travelling round the world on my own. That was said only half-jokingly.

Thanks for your support my lovely friends ❤️

Jeni26

I think my job description has a line at the bottom which says....anything that the Head asks you to do...that pretty much covers everything!

Berrybean

Sorry Jeni - me again...

PS Could you did out the document that has your job description on it.
I suspect that if you look at that you will see, quite clearly, that you are fulfilling the role that was given to you, and that the things that you are stressing about NOT doing are the responsibilities that you have invented for yourself in a search for the ideal solution.
Try to get really familiar with your job description. This is your side of the street to keep clean, and to do your best in. If you find yourself getting distracted with things that aren't in your job description, force yourself to 'mind YOUR business'. This might sound like being irresponsible, or uncaring to you at the moment (like it did to me when I was given this advice) but it's just common sense really. You haven't been put there to solve everything. Nobody can do that. Not me, not you. We just play our parts.
If there are things on that job description that make you think 'oh sh*t, I haven't been doing / can't do that' then you can deal with that small part of the problem by speaking to someone (your supervisor or colleague) to find out if there are things that can change so you CAN do it, or if actually it isn't possible and things needs to be reviewed as a department. (Some job descriptions really can be vastly optimistic, especially when new roles are created - I've seen some from my school that have made my eyebrow positively jump off the top of my head.)

It's no good trying to steer elephants by hanging onto their tail - sometimes we just need to leave the elephants to God, or the elephant keepers x

Berrybean

You can say 'No'. I've learnt to do this over the last year as well. Not that I phrase it like that - I tend to say things like "That's a great idea, and I agree it would be very worthwhile. Can we have a look at my time commitments and see if there is something that you can give to someone else that would make this new task possible? "

If your head then insists that you take on new tasks as well as the existing ones, despite your professional opinion that it is not possible to get done, explain that you may need to speak to your involve your union representative to seek advise on the matter. (I'm presuming you are a member of one of the unions). And then do it.

It probably won't actually get to that stage though. I've been pleasantly surprised about what happens when I'm polite but assertive in my 'No's. (In fact yesterday my boss called me in to say she's given me an unexpected pay rise - quite bizarre.)

Jeni26

I told him yesterday that I was utterly demoralised. I'm going to write everything down and talk it over with my ex-boss tomorrow to get an independent viewpoint. That way I will know if it's just me or if there's a real issue with the school. Both I would suspect.

Whatever, I'm going to spend some time chilling out today and try to get this whole thing into perspective.

tomsteve

how to stop it?
welp, i think ya started the processby recognizing the problem and wanting solutions.
ya know, the 1st part of the 1st step works pretty good on people,places, and things,too.
and reads like inmanagability is occurring.
so, how bout starting at step one?

and toss out that arse kikin machine and tellin yerself you love you.
Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then.

zjw

thanks for your posts i'm getting a lot out of them.

it does sound like one big circle. Only way to not make it one is to break it.

From what you've posted here I'd say you cant allow your job to define you and consume you so much. And to take it a step further if its to the point where your like I think i'll have a drink then its taking things too far.

If your job makes you wanna drink you need a new job. OR maybe take step back from it gather youself then go back in and take on what you can take on as you can so as to not get overwhelmed by it. You wont be any good to anything if your drinking.

I'm not sure the best solution. I have job issues myself and because of financial reasons i cant just up and quit so i grin and bear it doing a crummy job as I struggle along. For me this is my best approach and it keeps me off the bottle and from flying off the handle at everyone in my life until i can find another work situation.

You have to put your sobriety and sanity first. Then things like husbands and jobs etc... you wont be much good to anyone else if your freaking out or drinking etc...

I do like your posts they make a lot of sense.

thomas11

Jeni, for what its worth, I used to work at what is now called Thomson Reuters, you may have heard of them. I was part of a team that was implementing a 93 million dollar business system. Like you, I give it everything I got when working. I had a SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT tell me right to my face "sometimes you can care too much". I will never forget that. The reason I mention it is because sometimes we need to take a step back and put things in perspective. I learned a lot from that person. Just my 2 cents.

zjw

thomas11 your posts reminds me of a guy I ran into while working once time. I was stressing myself out doing lots of different things and he said "how many hats can you wear?" I'll never forget that. that single statement has had many different meanings over the years. Its great to be a jack of all trades its great to be productive etc.. but at some point you can only do so much.

SoberLeigh

Some great advice here, Jeni; I don't have anything to add; just wanted to say how wise I think you are to post about your feelings.

Jeni26

My ex-boss has cancelled a day out tomorrow to come over and see me to talk about my issues, and this afternoon I wrote pages of inventory over it. It is fear...all the way, plus a bit of dishonesty for not being open with my boss.

I really feel things need to change. It isn't the job, it's me. I cannot manage to keep things in perspective and it's all got too big. I need to walk away. I need a plan to get there, but I'm willing to look beyond what has always been my life's vocation.

I've spent today in a highly anxious state and I haven't felt that for a very long time.

SoberLeigh

I am glad that you have a very caring boss, Jeni. I hope you can work out solution, even it's a temporary one while you examine other options.

tomsteve

its so awesome,jeni, to read your threads. you go through a lot,live in solutions, put in the footwork, and prevail!

did i mention ?

zjw

Sometimes less is more.

I can really relate to your posts Been there and if I'm not careful I'll easily bite off more then I can chew myself.