Gottalife

Hi Jeni,
I thought thatwas an excellent inventory you did, and you clearly identified the problem as you see it. The book talks about how we can get blocked by "worship of other things". I know I did similar things at times, filling my time up with work or hobbies at the expense of my spiritual condition. But nobody says we have to be perfect. We make mistakes and through the steps we grow and learn.

The thing I have found that keeps my feet on the ground reliably is the regular practice of step 11. I will just quote one paragraph that I have found useful almost everyday I have been sober.

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

It works - it really does."

That just about somes up my prayer life, all day long. And it does work as they said.

Jeni26

Thank you my friends for such solid support. It's 6 am here and I've been awake for a good while feeling very anxious. Yesterday I did a written inventory around my job. I unpicked all my emotions around it...and there was fear written all over it, some dishonesty (which feels very uncomfortable to me now) because I wasn't being true to my feelings, and a bit of pride over what I think others think of me.

Fear is still such a biggie for me. Not being in control of the outcomes, my ego hates it.

Anyway, I spent a lot of yesterday crying and feeling really anxious but I made myself talk to people. My ex-boss and good friend is coming over to see me today to help me unpick it. I spoke to hubby about the possibility of me moving jobs. I ate lots of comfort food. And drinking thoughts vanished very quickly into nothingness.

I'm still terribly anxious today. The next few days at work will be filled with conflict which I hate. I still want to run away but not through a bottle, more wanting to quit my job and move into something without any stress at all.

But, if there's a lesson to be learned, it's that some days, weeks, months just suck. But it's always temporary...this will end one way or another. And drinking...well I'm sure my chest pains and feeling nauseous won't be improved by that!

sleepie

Jen you sound like a wonderful, giving person. Please find a way to take care of you, this sounds like a high stress job with a lot of emotional investment. Maybe the counseling someone suggested. You need some "you"time, the caretaker needs care too

neferkamichael

Jeni26, rootin for ya.

Berrybean

Please don't give up on your vocation in a fit of alcoholic perfectionism (Ie. 'If it ain't perfect f*** it').
You sound just where I was last October. Perspective is everything - I didn't need to walk away as I felt I did (like you say - full to the brim and dripping with fear), but you might need some help gaining perspective initially. Sounds like your ex-boss is a good person to start with. But at some point you will need to talk to your current boss, and be honest about your feelings and work with them to assess your work load.

If your current boss is unhelpful when you speak to him / her, that is when it is worth thinking about getting union representation. If you feel that your anxiety is having an impact on your health, speak to your GP (even if you don't want them to sign you off at this point - speaking to them will mean that there is an official record of the impact of your job on you, and that you were taking measures to deal with the situation).

I didn't go to find my boss - she came to find me, because she is a very 'forthright' woman (which can be good or bad, depending on what is going on). I dread to think what would have happened if it had been left to me to initiate the conversation - but as scary as the conversation is, it's the first step to breaking the cycle and getting the support and understanding that you need.

Please remember as well - the reason that those counselling schemes are put in place is that they are to be used when things get too much - because it is recognised that things DO get to be too much. It will not be seen as a weakness you asking for help. If your employer makes provision for stress reduction and the employee decides not to use it, or engage with the process, there is not much they can do. Chances are your boss is vaguely aware that you're not happy, and is waiting for you to come and see them.

Good luck - thinking of you x

Jeni26

I understand what you are saying, thank you. Let's just see how today goes. I'm not just going to walk out, I can't afford that anyway...but I am going to research other options.

Beccybean...I'm the deputy Head in a very small special school. There really is just me and him, and no-one else to share the load of responsibilities. He is a good man, just not a strong leader. I do a lot to help prop him up but sometimes I feel I can't be completely honest because of trying to manage his stress levels. That's what doesn't sit comfortably with me. Plus one of the department heads is constantly trying to trip me up (she was acting deputy before me, so I believe she is resentful). It isn't an easy situation to improve, and to be honest I'm running out of energy.

Berrybean

Well, you can change schools without changing vocation.

A while back now (about 7 / 8 years I suppose) I left a full time permanent teaching post in a mainstream village primary to be a supply teacher while I decided if I still wanted to work in education. (My school had been very small, and like you say, not many people to spread the load of co-ordinator roles, etc around. I had a weak head, who refused to take advice / try new things, even though we were failing. I had year 5/6 and it was truly awful and felt like a hopeless situation, because I was prepared to change, but it needed more change than that). I had a few years enjoying the freedom of working as a supply teacher. I worked at one of the famous private schools in Cambridge as their first ever supply member of staff for a term; I worked in big schools; little schools; I had long term and short term placements. I did lots of subjects, including swimming of all things. What I didn't have was stress. And it was during that supply period that I had a taste of working in Special Ed, which is where I ended up full time permanent. It was a great way to see the variety of schools out there and get a better idea of where is would (and would not!!) like to work. Funding the long summer break and Xmas used to be a bit of a bugger though

Jeni26

I've only ever worked in special. Did some voluntary work in a school when I was about 16 and never looked back...I love the kids, it's never been about the kids no matter how challenging. Grown ups on the other hand...😊

Thanks, you and I are not a million miles away from each other. Fancy setting up a free school? 😊

Berrybean

Sounds like far too much responsibility for me Jeni!! :o
I'm happiest in the classroom as teacher - no desire to progress any further up the ladder at all x

desertsong

Hang in there, Jeni. You are doing great. I can't imagine the pressure and fear you are experiencing, but I just want to encourage you. As you know, I have a son with severe autism. He is definitely a challenge and he wears me out. I just moved to a new state and have not yet found respite care for him, but the saving grace for me is the wonderful people at his new school who take amazing care of him all day so I can go to work and make money to support us. Folks like you are hard to come by. It takes a very special person with a huge heart to do the work you do. The pay is never enough, so people in your profession do what they do because they love it. You can not imagine how much that means to someone like me. Not everyone will appreciate you, and I'm sure some parents are difficult, but most of us are enormously grateful that you are there for our kids. I don't know your entire situation at work, but I just wanted you to know that. I could not have a life without compassionate people like you who are willing to be there for my child. Take care and just remember, no matter what comes of all of this, you are doing work that matters very much.

Jeni26

Oh DS, thank you, that was such a lovely thing to say. I've just talked for 5 hours about everything to do with my current job with my old boss. I am still anxious, but she has reassured me that it isn't me that's the issue and I must take care of myself.

What 'looking after myself' will look like is yet to be seen 😊

There are a lot of strange dynamics going on at my school and I'm in an impossible situation. I don't need to make any decisions now and that's fine with me.

desertsong

Absolutely. Take care of yourself. Everything else will follow. We neglect ourselves far too often and then wonder why we feel a wreck. It's not selfish to take care of you. Took me a lot of years to figure that out. Be kind and loving to yourself. You deserve it. No decisions need to be made right now, and that's a good thing.

Jeni26

Ok, I'ts Monday morning, and I'm really nervous. Not throwing up anxious, but just nervous. And I'm hangover free which I'm so relieved about.

I've decided to chunk the day up into manageable pieces. I've got a very difficult meeting before school. That's my first test. I've prayed to find the right words and be fair and reasonable, and I will do my best. I've already cancelled a meeting during the afternoon so I can concentrate on what needs to be done.

I can do this. Deep breaths.

And after school, I'm going to go to the gym, or do a class, or something where I will switch off completely. Balance, that's what I need to seek.

Tooshabby

It sounds like you are doing brilliantly well, Jeni :-) Keep us posted.

Lookingforchange

Hi, Jeni Councelling helps me and I work in a stressful post in education. It's unhealthy to be a 'rescuer' all the time as all the self-sacrifice can leave you as a 'victim' ...this leads to drink. Trying to save the universe is quite destructive sometimes you have to learn to let it go.

Berrybean

Hope it went well x

Jeni26

A very difficult day and another one to follow today, then the work pressure should ease a little.

The hardest thing is that I don't know how to make this better.

Verte

Good morning Jeni. This may sound presumptuous, but maybe it is so hard precisely because you truly cannot make it better? No matter what you do, the situation at work is one involving human effort, behaviors and failings. Perhaps an incident occurred and the fallout is, and will continue to be for a little while, painful and uncomfortable?

None of us can avoid being human but we can give our best and your best is beyond good enough, Jeni. I do believe.

You are going to make it through this day! Keep taking good care of yourself and keep us updated.

Dee74

Sometimes it's enough just to get through the day, Jeni

D

Hawkeye13

Sending you positive thoughts Jeni--hope things went well as possible