Keep failing!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 74
Keep failing!
Its been ages since I've posted.
I had a couple of good years without drinking and then I thought I was cured.
I thought I could be a normal drinker.
Fast forward 3 years and it has taken over again.
It crept up on me. I was pretty much drinking like a normal person without a drinking problem at the start and then it just gradually took over again, and bang, I was back where I started. Not able to know my limits and stop when I was wasted, I just kept going.
So the last two plus years I am pretty much back to square one.
In a way worse, because when I originally came here all I drank was red wine, a lot of it then I totally gave up and everything was fantastic. I felt great. Then I met a guy. I was a non drinker when we met and he doesn't drink much, so it was only occasionally i would have a glass of wine with dinner but somehow over the last couple of years that really changed. A lot of relationship drama which is another story, but a few more drinks here and there seemed to really make a difference.
I graduated from red wine to vodka and soda. Anyway the bottom line is I know I have a serious alcohol problem. I have no support from my boyfriend because he likes the crazy out of control drunk me.
A couple of months ago I started reading here again. I've been trying to get/find the strength to stop.
I did go five days this week without a drink, no real withdrawals which in itself is amazing, considering what I have been doing to myself.
The hardest for me is the weekend. I've worked all week and just want to blank out and forget life and feel like i'm having fun, drunk with myself. But, last night being a Friday I didn't drink, I went to the movies and out for dinner, and I really felt proud of myself for staying in reality and waking up feeling relatively good.
But, I bought a bottle of white wine tonight, I had no plans too, I have been so strong mentally for a few days.
I'm not sure I can ever beat this, totally.
I had a couple of good years without drinking and then I thought I was cured.
I thought I could be a normal drinker.
Fast forward 3 years and it has taken over again.
It crept up on me. I was pretty much drinking like a normal person without a drinking problem at the start and then it just gradually took over again, and bang, I was back where I started. Not able to know my limits and stop when I was wasted, I just kept going.
So the last two plus years I am pretty much back to square one.
In a way worse, because when I originally came here all I drank was red wine, a lot of it then I totally gave up and everything was fantastic. I felt great. Then I met a guy. I was a non drinker when we met and he doesn't drink much, so it was only occasionally i would have a glass of wine with dinner but somehow over the last couple of years that really changed. A lot of relationship drama which is another story, but a few more drinks here and there seemed to really make a difference.
I graduated from red wine to vodka and soda. Anyway the bottom line is I know I have a serious alcohol problem. I have no support from my boyfriend because he likes the crazy out of control drunk me.
A couple of months ago I started reading here again. I've been trying to get/find the strength to stop.
I did go five days this week without a drink, no real withdrawals which in itself is amazing, considering what I have been doing to myself.
The hardest for me is the weekend. I've worked all week and just want to blank out and forget life and feel like i'm having fun, drunk with myself. But, last night being a Friday I didn't drink, I went to the movies and out for dinner, and I really felt proud of myself for staying in reality and waking up feeling relatively good.
But, I bought a bottle of white wine tonight, I had no plans too, I have been so strong mentally for a few days.
I'm not sure I can ever beat this, totally.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sounds like you hadn't (haven't??!) fully conceded to the fact you are alcoholic, and aren't able to moderate alcohol. Alcoholism is progressive - it WILL get worse. The only way to get recovery is to quit drinking the stuff.
I too tried short-term abstinence (i.e. One month sober for charity; Lent; etc.) followed by trying to use will-power to reign it in. This would work for a shorter and shorter period, before getting to where I was drinking as much and behaving as badly as before, before things got even worse than before. Then I'd join another charity event / do a week detox from a magazine and repeat the whole sorry process.
Once I'd accepted I was alcoholic and became willing to change (not just my drinking patterns, but the way I dealt with life generally) and get honest with myself and start taking responsibility for my own actions- that's when things started to get better for me.
It's not about strength of will, or 'fighting it'. It's about accepting where you are now and having the willingness to move forward in a different direction.
Good luck - I hope you will be ready to embark on a new journey of sobriety and recovery, and make a new sobriety plan for yourself
I too tried short-term abstinence (i.e. One month sober for charity; Lent; etc.) followed by trying to use will-power to reign it in. This would work for a shorter and shorter period, before getting to where I was drinking as much and behaving as badly as before, before things got even worse than before. Then I'd join another charity event / do a week detox from a magazine and repeat the whole sorry process.
Once I'd accepted I was alcoholic and became willing to change (not just my drinking patterns, but the way I dealt with life generally) and get honest with myself and start taking responsibility for my own actions- that's when things started to get better for me.
It's not about strength of will, or 'fighting it'. It's about accepting where you are now and having the willingness to move forward in a different direction.
Good luck - I hope you will be ready to embark on a new journey of sobriety and recovery, and make a new sobriety plan for yourself
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
You can beat this, start by taking alcohol off the menu no ifs no buts just no to alcohol
Do you know why you don't put your hands in fire ? because it will hurt & cause damage the reason you don't do this is because you accept that fact it's obvious
Alcohol not so obvious but its the exact same thing
I don't drink as I accept I can't drink safely or responsibly & I have learnt that if I do I know its just the same as putting my hands in fire
Do you know why you don't put your hands in fire ? because it will hurt & cause damage the reason you don't do this is because you accept that fact it's obvious
Alcohol not so obvious but its the exact same thing
I don't drink as I accept I can't drink safely or responsibly & I have learnt that if I do I know its just the same as putting my hands in fire
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Welcome back
The start of any recovery is finding support and using it - it worked for you last time - why not post here regularly again cassandralee - look at how other people are fighting the battle and get some ideas?
D
The start of any recovery is finding support and using it - it worked for you last time - why not post here regularly again cassandralee - look at how other people are fighting the battle and get some ideas?
D
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Cassandra! Anyone can beat this, you included. Its certainly hard to imagine many situations without alcohol, I drank pretty much every evening and all day long any day I wasn't at work. So in my case, everything was associated with drinking.
The key I think is first accepting and being honest with ourselves about our addiction. Some call this "surrender" too. But in simple terms, I accept that I cannot control my drinking once I start. I also accept that I will never be able to control my drinking - not tomorrow, not next month, not in 20 years. I've come to this realization via SR, my family, counseling and reading. Others do so via AA or other group methods. How you might choose to go about it will be up to you, but you have a choice/say in all this.
The key I think is first accepting and being honest with ourselves about our addiction. Some call this "surrender" too. But in simple terms, I accept that I cannot control my drinking once I start. I also accept that I will never be able to control my drinking - not tomorrow, not next month, not in 20 years. I've come to this realization via SR, my family, counseling and reading. Others do so via AA or other group methods. How you might choose to go about it will be up to you, but you have a choice/say in all this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 11
I know those ups and downs way too well. I've got twenty five days right now and for me the talking with friends I trust, checking into boards like this, and getting to AA meetings whenever I can and just saying out loud that I'm an alcoholic, and taking it day by day from there have been a huge part of making it this far. It was toughest just to come out and say it in front of otger people, but letting go of that weight and moving from there felt like a ton off my back. Then just worrying about today instead of trying to plan for weeks or months ahead has also been a great help. The hardest part is taking the first step and not picking up the first drink, but you can do it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Glad to see you back with us, Cassandralee.
I did the same thing - had 3 years of no drinking, then started up again without even giving it much thought. It was as if I'd forgotten the terrible things that happened when I drank. I was determined to use willpower to manage my drinking. I had a small amount of success controlling it - but it didn't take long to be dependent on it again. Back to the same reckless behavior. This time, it was much harder to stop. I can never go back there again. I hope you'll stay with us and get free for good. You can do it!
I did the same thing - had 3 years of no drinking, then started up again without even giving it much thought. It was as if I'd forgotten the terrible things that happened when I drank. I was determined to use willpower to manage my drinking. I had a small amount of success controlling it - but it didn't take long to be dependent on it again. Back to the same reckless behavior. This time, it was much harder to stop. I can never go back there again. I hope you'll stay with us and get free for good. You can do it!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Never had 3 years clean since I was 5 years old. 8 months is my lifetime record. Congrats on 3 clean.
How much are you drinking per day now?
The living hell of dealing w the world using a brain needing alcohol to feel normal is something we never want to forget.
How much are you drinking per day now?
The living hell of dealing w the world using a brain needing alcohol to feel normal is something we never want to forget.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Some people beat it on their own, some beat it with therapy, some find victory over alcohol through a transforming spiritual experience.
The title of your thread, keep failing, just reminded me that each failure, each thing I tried that didn't work, wasn't really a failure after all. Rather, it was a stepping stone which lead eventually to a solution that did work. As long as I was honest, discarded want didn't work, and kept an open mind, each failure was a stepping stone to permanent recovery.
It doesn't make sense to stay with what doesn't work. After all, the definition of insanity is repeatedly making the same mistake in the same way, expecting different results.
The title of your thread, keep failing, just reminded me that each failure, each thing I tried that didn't work, wasn't really a failure after all. Rather, it was a stepping stone which lead eventually to a solution that did work. As long as I was honest, discarded want didn't work, and kept an open mind, each failure was a stepping stone to permanent recovery.
It doesn't make sense to stay with what doesn't work. After all, the definition of insanity is repeatedly making the same mistake in the same way, expecting different results.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 230
Hi Cassandralee
There is quite a lot in your post about drinking or not drinking, what you drink and when, or not etc.
For me, I wasn't able to make any real changes until I realised that alcohol is just the medication, not the ailment. We need to look at WHY we feel the need to self medicate, not the addiction to the medication itself.
I am just getting into my third year of sobriety and I drop in here to keep a reality check on my "I'm cured" delusions. "Not drinking" was never a long term solution for me. Until I started to look at what was missing from my life and how alcohol wasn't filling that void, I was essentially doomed to another round of abusing followed by quitting.
Good luck with your journey.
There is quite a lot in your post about drinking or not drinking, what you drink and when, or not etc.
For me, I wasn't able to make any real changes until I realised that alcohol is just the medication, not the ailment. We need to look at WHY we feel the need to self medicate, not the addiction to the medication itself.
I am just getting into my third year of sobriety and I drop in here to keep a reality check on my "I'm cured" delusions. "Not drinking" was never a long term solution for me. Until I started to look at what was missing from my life and how alcohol wasn't filling that void, I was essentially doomed to another round of abusing followed by quitting.
Good luck with your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 636
Why does your boyfriend like the drunk you?
I have alot friends that used to like being around me when I was drunk, primarily because I would make them laugh and I did not care if I hurt other physically or verbally. I noticed I was more of a bozo entertaining fools.
Now that I'm sober, some of my friends won't even call me since I'm not drinking. I even had to cut off a few girlfriends as I sober up and realized I was being used.
I'm in my early stages of sobriety and what has helped me is identifying the poison alcohol really is. I thought I could never go to any social establishment without drinking or live life without alcohol. Slowly I'm realizing this was all a false illusion feed to me subconsciously by movie, ads, and other people who unconscious or unconsciously feel the same way.
Welcome back
I have alot friends that used to like being around me when I was drunk, primarily because I would make them laugh and I did not care if I hurt other physically or verbally. I noticed I was more of a bozo entertaining fools.
Now that I'm sober, some of my friends won't even call me since I'm not drinking. I even had to cut off a few girlfriends as I sober up and realized I was being used.
I'm in my early stages of sobriety and what has helped me is identifying the poison alcohol really is. I thought I could never go to any social establishment without drinking or live life without alcohol. Slowly I'm realizing this was all a false illusion feed to me subconsciously by movie, ads, and other people who unconscious or unconsciously feel the same way.
Welcome back
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