autumn4

Hi everyone ,
I am writing this post to express my disgust at myself for giving in and having a drink when on a weekend away with some "friends"
I have managed to get to 19 months this time but have had an ambivalent relationship with AA because I was never a daily drinker ..more allergic style with physical and mental consequences after just one drink.
I had a foreboding about going away this time as have been slipping into denial again lately. I did not really want to go away as felt that my voice would not be heard when I try to assert myself and express my opinions. My "friends" brought out the liquer and proceeded to drink shots. That was a huge trigger for me and when we went for a meal I truly felt powerless and succumbed to a glass of wine. It doesnts sound much but I felt very sick & dizzy after with an anxiety attack after.. Paws?
The next day I felt unwell and swore off it at dinner but would you believe that resolution went out the window..I found myself compulsively ordering a glass of wine. Serendipiditously I was recognised by a waitress at the restaurant who remember me from AA !.. felt so ashamed, I had just a little sip and passed it off to my" friend" Saved, but feeling depressed and VERY weak & disgusted at myself. I know it doesnt sound like much but I suffer from bad consequences from even one glass as have reverse tolerance I think now. Just feel hopeless now that I will ever make it.
I just wanna run away..start again.

AlericB

Hi, your post is serendipitous too for me because I'll be with a friend for most of today and he'll be drinking - he can drink socially - and I feel similar to how you were so I'll try to learn from you, thanks! Maybe just acknowledge your disappointment and then let it go so that it doesn't drag you down any further, perhaps even back to drinking, on what is now a new day?

Soberwolf

Autumn if you managed 19 months then you know you can do this

What was your plan that kept you sober 19 months time for a revision

Dee74

Welcome back autumn

you obviously know how to get sober and stay that way for a good length of time...

but binge drinker occasional drinker or daily drinker the root cause is the same... maybe that old bugbear of not fully accepting your alcoholism - what AAers call step one - is something to work on now?

D

autumn4

Thankyou Dee & Soberwolf.. I stayed off it by weekly meetings of AA & thinking through to my negative health consequences.
I always felt that not such a good fit in AA ..resisted getting a sponsor ..doing a proper step 4 which is where I am up too although now I have a thorough confirmation of step 1 that i am truly powerless now over alcohol as given certain triggers and being weakened by extra stress will find myself drinking again. Alcoholism is a disease of daily management & vigilance.

waynetheking

Don't beat yourself up over this autumn4. Just resolve not to drink anymore. There's no such thing as perfect moderation with alcoholism. You're either dying of this disease or you're in recovery. There are plenty of functioning alcoholics, but is that any way to live? 19 months is awesome. You didn't"loose" that. So try again.I think you know by now that you're one of the lucky ones if you abstain going forward. Others are not so fortunate. They die from excessive alcohol. Were here for ya.

thomas11

That's a tough one autumn4, but I applaud you. You did 19 months, you slipped, posted and started right back at it. I'm sure mentally you feel pretty beat up, but I support your efforts 100%. I also think your honesty should be recognized for what it is.... its awesome.

CurlyGirl1978

autumn, 19 months is truly amazing! Don't forget that! The worst thing you can do is give up because of one mistake. Brush yourself off, keep going!

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, autumn.

You had a great 19 months of sobriety; those months are far, far from lost.

That recent drink and sip can be a mere blip on your sober radar screen. Get right back into sobriety and recovery. Shore up the holes in your plan; add some additional tools (maybe read and post here every day) and move forward.

You've got this.

Gottalife

Hi Autumn,
don't beat yourself up. Your experience may be just the thing you needed to rocket you into a full recovery.

In my view the very defintion of an alcoholic is someone who cannot stop and stay stopped no matter how great the wish. I was like that. I had lost the power of choice and I had no effective defence against the first drink. And I think that is what happened to you, you simply had no defence. So now it might be time to look at why that was.

It looks clear to me from your posts, in AA terms. You didn't get past step four which suggests you didn't do all that AA suggests is necessary to get that defence. Why was that?

I would guess that was because you didn't think you needed to, and that would be because (ambivalent about AA?) you didn't really understand the seriousness of your condition.

Now you know better, and you are in a great position to make a full recovery. Right now you have very good reasons for getting those steps done. I hope you make the most of the opportunity that has been given you. As you know, not everyone makes it back.

Berrybean

Ouch. Bet you're gutted. I started my sobriety journey at around the same time as you (March 2014) and know I would feel so cross with myself.

Like you, I had an ambivalent relationship with AA at the start - for the first 6 months I sat in meetings, but didn't really think I was 'enough' of an alcoholic to warrant getting a sponsor and doing step work. Then my white-knuckling led me to a bit of a breakdown, and I realised that I needed to start replacing my old crutch with some real AA tools if I was going to succeed. Getting a sponsor and working the steps has been the best thing I ever did. I would highly recommend getting back on the AA wagon, but really working on your recovery. That's when sobriety gets good

tursiops999

Hi autumn ... 19 months is great, you can build on that. Assuming you're still open to AA, I would echo others with the suggestion that you work the steps with a good sponsor. The steps bring a lot of relief, so that sobriety is more comfortable and fulfilling, instead of just "not drinking".

At times early on I also felt like I didn't fit with AA ... There were many incidents people spoke about that hadn't happened to me (yet). But over time I've come to believe that the voice telling me my problem was 'not that bad' was just the addict in my head, trying to keep me drinking.

Hugs to you, whatever choices you make from here.