question on new sobriety and a relationship

Old 11-06-2015, 09:38 AM
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question on new sobriety and a relationship

What is the healthy recommendation on relationships when newly sober(4 day detox plus 1 week sober with meds) and what are the risk and reasons for the recommended time frame. Thanks.
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Old 11-06-2015, 09:42 AM
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Are you asking "for" your friend that you have been talking about in the Friends and Family forum? Or are you fresh out of detox and one week sober?
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Old 11-06-2015, 09:43 AM
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There really is no "ideal" timeframe Marisa. Some people say a full year, some say 6 months, but there isn't a definitive answer.

What's most important is that you can honestly answer to yourself that you are going to be able to handle the trials and tribulations of a relationship as well as maintain your sobriety at the same time. All relationships have problems and disagreements, so you need to be fully capable of dealing with them when they arise.

Having said that, one week seems very very early to me.
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Old 11-06-2015, 10:19 AM
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What professionals said over and over in medical treatment groups I went through was, try not to make any major life change decisions and try not to get involved in new relationships for 6-12 months. Maybe it works out fine, or maybe your judgement is clouded and you set yourself up for a relapse later when the decision doesn't go well, or the relationship ups and downs strengthen your addict voice and lead you to decide to drink again. The message was, priority #1 in early recovery should be, staying sober and building a new sober life, and distractions from that focus are dangerous.
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Old 11-06-2015, 10:21 AM
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I think when you are solidly sober and happy with the person you see in the mirror.
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Old 11-06-2015, 10:24 AM
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Everything I've ever heard says no major life changes or new relationships in the first year if possible. I suppose that this is because we're up and down; vulnerable; and going through a period of rapid change and growth - all of this means that any relationship would be put under pressure, so new ones are most at risk. Working on our recovery needs to be top priority.
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Old 11-06-2015, 10:26 AM
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Hi Marisa.
Don't think there are any what you call healthy recommendations on relationships , the very fact you are asking for advice presumes you have some doubts .

They say alcoholism is a ''threefold illness '' affecting us physically ,mentally ,and spiritually , which means it is a 3 fold recovery which of course takes time , physically we recover quicker ,mentally and spiritually take longer .

I know that I was advised to be ''ruthless '' in my sobriety and not to let anything or anyone interfere with it and make sobriety my number ''One '' priority . Unfortunately I have seen individuals '' take up '' with people who share the '' same problem '' , this is not a good move especially early on in ones recovery, as it is very easy to be 'influenced' with the partners way of thinking especially if one reverts to drinking or using as it can bring the other partner down '' misery loves company '' is a saying I have heard often .

Sometimes we want everything to be back to '' normal '' as soon as possible , we want people to forgive us quickly , want employment quickly , material benefit quickly , and a relationship as soon as possible , everything in an '' instant '' well it does not work like that its only coffee that's instant .

It usually takes a long time of alcohol /drug abuse before we seek help ,and we must realise that we do not recover overnight and generally speaking '' newcomers '' do not know and have mostly forgot what a normal way of living entails due to addiction .

First Things First applies to most, I know that when ''I sorted myself out '' first and foremost then other areas of my life fell into place .

Hope this helps '' Rome wasn't built in a day '' .

Regards .
Stevie .
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:11 AM
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I know they usually say the "one year rule" is key, but it depends on each of us. For myself, I relapsed due to my request for a divorce. Fortunately, the relapse only lasted about 8 months before I was able to get things back under control. For me, the pressures from my ex-wife and adult daughter have been greater than the relationships I've begun to foster while in recovery.
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:36 AM
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AA's Thirteenth Step: My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone.
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
AA's Thirteenth Step: My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone.
How do you know two alcoholics are on a second date?
The moving van in the driveway.
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Old 11-06-2015, 11:46 AM
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I totally agree with Scott Marisa
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Old 11-06-2015, 02:50 PM
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I was a hot mess when I got into recovery. I needed to work on myself first and foremost, and that took a while.

Until I sorted myself out and learned to love myself, I really feel I would have been inflicting myself on someone else.

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Old 11-06-2015, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
AA's Thirteenth Step: My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone.
That is really really funny. I will remember that one
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Old 11-06-2015, 05:18 PM
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I think it is a very bad idea.
In early sobriety, there are often many issues which need to be addressed.
Dating is a distraction from taking a good look in the mirror and doing the footwork.

It is also very easy to switch one addiction for another so instead of pining for the pinot, one can just start focusing on someone else.

If the relationship goes South (which is like what? a 99% probability?) then it gives the AV some really good ammunition:
After all, drowning your sorrows over the loss of the love of your life sounds much more romantic than relapsing and getting **** faced.

Anyway, we can warn people not to get romantically involved in early sobriety until we are blue in the face, ultimately if they want to hook up they will disregard any sensible advice they might get.
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Old 11-06-2015, 09:01 PM
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Don't patch a hole with a human
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Old 11-07-2015, 08:20 PM
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Lots of very wise words above, but when I was new I was not blessed with lots of wisdom and foresight, nor the humility to learn from other's mistakes. Which is why the AA program makes no particular judgment on this.

My experience at 22 was that I was willing 13 stepped into a short an turbulent relationship. Everyone but me knew how it was going to end, no one had the heart to tell me I was just one in a long line. But it turned out to be one of the most valuable experiences in my sobriety. I learned and grew so much from that mistake.

The risk was and is that sobriety will become conditional on how the relationship goes. That is the one thing that I did not allow to happen. I knew my sobriety was not dependent on the relationship, and I kept sobriety as my number one priority. I had the benefit of an amazing sponsor who knew when to keep his mouth shut. He let me make my mistakes and helped me learn from them. I will always be grateful for that.

Everything above, no big decisions etc is probably good wise advice, but I was never any good at taking advice.
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Old 11-07-2015, 08:29 PM
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I ignored this advice and got into a LTR type relationship early in my sobriety.

I'm celebrating 90 days today, been in the program a little longer than that.

I'm probably going to break up with her shortly.

She's a kind, attractive, lovely lady. She is a normie who "gets" AA and really cares for me.

So why breakup?

Well, working the steps has taught me that I got into a relationship because I was lonely, possibly trying to fill a hole.

My life is so full that I've lost interest in having a serious relationship. I'm too busy working on my program (and myself), excelling at my job, working on courses, gym, trying new things, etc that I'm really just not interested in a committed relationship with anyone. I am focusing on me, growth and recovery and now I have to hurt her feelings.

Drinking is not the only factor at play, she's not perfect, and there are other personal factors for ME, but I'm changing, a lot and focusing on me.

You might too.

I may also need to deal with some heavy AV action, putting my quit at risk.

I don't regret dating, I like the company of attractive women and I like meeting new people. I DO regret getting into a committed, LTR type relationship. Unfortunately I like to learn the hard way.

Good luck.

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Old 11-08-2015, 04:24 AM
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Worth considering maybe ? When I was drinking I was one of the most self centered and selfish human beings around , I used and abused everyone that I encountered , entering AA I learned that alcohol was only a ''symptom '' of alcoholism and that I ''personally '' had many of the characteristics of alcoholism before I ever took a drink .

Me ''always being very ''Smart '', thought now ? I was suffering from this illness long before I took a drink ? so that means I was ''sick '' when I met my wife ? (WTF) seriously I said '' would I have married her if I hadn't been suffering from this illness '' ? and I COULD PROBABLY DONE BETTER hee hee , we now are still married 48 yrs .
Point is I was very serious about that and was far to involved in all sorts of things in my '' new found life '' ,and I have got to say again selfishness all Me Me Me , forgetting that my wife had stood by me god knows why ? I would ''never '' have put up with me , it was very simple '' she loved me unconditionally'' and now thank god I did not do anything foolish and I now love her unconditionally , of course as you say she has her faults and isn't ''Perfect '' ? do you also have faults or are you ''perfect '' ? just saying because that;s EXACTLY how I was thinking . Anyway none of this may be relevant in your situation and if that is the case then please do not be annoyed .

Regards .
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