Music

Staying positive is important. I stay positive by asking God each day to help me stay positive and stay sober. Doesn't make sense to not be positive about a change I'm making in my life, that's such a positive change and can result in nothing but positive things happening for me. I do understand how on some days, that might be hard to remember because I used to get what I thought were so many positive things from drinking but I know if drinking was such a positive thing, I'd still be doing it. Truth is, drinking caused me nothing but trouble in every area of my life. That's why I go to meetings, have a sponsor, keep the steps alive in my life and try to carry the message. Most of all, I don't drink....one day at a time.

Sudz No More

You're still not out of the woods Sleepie, just hang in there you are doing great. It sucks to point out that it took me a little over 6 months to be rid of the worst mental impulses and up to one year I still had some residual thoughts. Keep going! It really does get better and you are approaching the curve with each passing day. At almost three years sober I have been through some rough patches that would have certainly led me to the bottle early on but at this point I just don't care about drinking anymore. You'll get there too you just have to stick out these early months. You've got this, keep going.

happybeingme

White knuckling is hard. I think it puts a greater focus on what we want to avoid doing. This causes greater anxiety and obsession. You either are an alcoholic or you aren't. You either want to be sober or you don't. It is that simple. If you are an alcoholic and you want to be sober than thoughts of slips, relapses, whatever shouldn't even be a thought. You are brewing. Setting yourself up.

My advice. If you really want to be sober find one or two people here whom you admire and engage them in talks of real recovery. Visit some of the other forums here. Engage. For me quitting drinking was easy. Figuring out how to really live life wasn't. I needed real help. I had to be willing to be uncomfortable, to hear what I didn't want to hear, and to challenge myself and my lifetime of dysfunctional thinking.

But, that is just me and my own personal experience. I have a brother in law who has white knuckled it for over 20 years now and he is the most miserable angry person I know. But he doesn't drink. So, I guess that is good

stargazer016

I'm at six months sober now, and I know what you are going through sleepie. At around 90 days, I kind of had a feeling that I had this under control and could drink one night and get back on the wagon afterwards. It's pretty amazing how the AV tries to con you into thinking you can drink moderately. I too read a lot of threads with people who ended up drinking and they almost unanimously had a worse bout of problems than they previously had. It was as if they were making up for lost time. It's easy to forget the bad times, the hangovers and the puking and wasted days on the couch. Hang in there. Remember your AV is not you. You are in control! You are the boss!

zjw

something about milestones just makes me wanna drink. 1 month just about cracked a beer had it in my hand and all. 2 months hey lets have a beer 3 months hmm how bout a drink 6 months well i've done well i guess i can drink now right?

1 year aaaa look how well i've done I should go have a drink .

The insanity of it knows no bounds even now the only milestones i really see anymore are the annual's sure once in a while i am in a situation where i'm like oh wow i normally woulda drank and didnt good job. But mainly the annuals come along and I think maybe I should just go get a case of beer screw it!!

I could be having a totally happy day all proud i've made it thus far and i'm like how about a drink . I can even see myself happily buying it strolling out with that case LIKE A BOSS all happy to get tossed that evening i can see having htat brief moment where i second guess my choice on the first one and think meh who cares and drinking it anyhow.

Its insane it really is. So I dont act upon it. I just recognize how nutty my thinking can be.

as for being more positive that takes a lot of work. I have a friend who once told me that i'm a B*Tch and thats ok because they are a B*tch too and that it must just be how we are wired we flip out and complain about every little thing. My friend was right and i felt better after it was explained to me like that more accepting if you will but i was not a more positive person by any means.

Being more positive came in tiny tiny steps. ya know Gee i woke up today i guess thats good *sigh* back to being miserable. Oh wow the suns out *sigh* back to being miserable. Well how about that I didnt kill myself today *sigh* back to being miserable.

Slowly tho the things i was thankful for got bigger and better and more often. This thankfulness for what i had even if it was crap started to make me more and more positive. I do think i'm hardwired to be a negativ eperson tho so this all takes work for me it doesnt come easy.


I think in time you'll gain all of what your looking for it just doesnt happen over night.

When i quit dirnking i thought wooptie i'll fend off some cravings like with cigarettes and move forward no big deal. Boy was I way off base!!! it was far more complicated then that!

it gets easier.

Dropsie

Grakbar posted something I thought was great that I wanted to share with you:

"I'm trying to keep it in my head that there's no goal to make it past where I'll suddenly be OK to go back to drinking."

For me, that nails it. Wishing it weren't so as I do, nails it.

davaidavai

I think when people say 'positivity' they mean an experience. It encapsulates a road traveled, knowledge uptake, realizations, and then an outlook based on experience. For people who haven't come on their own to adopt a particular outlook, it's hard to just take up the mantel of positivity. Speaking from experience, when I hear the word, it reminds me of Suze Orman's face plastered on a book about budgeting. Terrifying, hollow, lack of connection, possibly brainwashed. I can't help it. I recognize that it carries deeper meaning and that the issue is semantic. There is truth there, but regarding things of the spirit, you have to travel the road. But it's hard to unpackage the experience because it comes out as babble.

I think happybeingme has a good idea though. Throughout the history of civilization, mentoring has been key in every aspect of life. Submitting to someone else's knowledge and frame of reference and trying it on for a while, getting out of your own vantage point, trying out new ideas and ways of being.

Holds1325

Drinking after so long is a failure, but I'm sure you know that by now. Just think about all you went through and then thinking that if you just have some to get some relief can lead to making things worse.

Theres a reason why we had to quit for so many months. But I understand, the AV doesn't like to listen to logic, it only wants quick relief.

Again if we don't work on fixing our thinking and letting our brains heal from all this, the addiction will inevitably return and all the mental health problems thereafter.

Who is in control of your emotions, you? or your alcoholism?

chickippo

all i'm going to say is that reading this thread, Sleepie, tells me you have already decided to drink. you are giving yourself permission. i did this a LOT.

so do, or don't. i couldn't any more so i got sober. you can too, if you want to.

be well.

2ndhandrose

(((sleepie))) I agree, "not today though".

sleepie

Hey guys nah not today, not yesterday.
Tired today and got some stuff done, still seeing to medical things phone calls etc.

davaidavai

I had another thought, sorry. Maybe it's unrealistic to have a 'mentor', unless you want to get a sponsor at AA (which I did for a year and a half and found it interesting) or a therapist (which I did for a year and found it to be a big waste of time and money) but mentorship to an idea or philosophy, zen, stoicism, etc., is achievable without any huge leap.

happybeingme

I had life mentors. People who found a way to live a great life while keeping it real. I did also have people who showed me specific things one I called my spirit goddess the other my Zen master. But generally I walked similar paths to my mentors, asked them questions, trusted them, and expected kicks in the backside when I got caught up in stinking thinking

davaidavai

I actually really, really liked going to the Zendo. There was this moment, about an hour into sitting, where I felt like I was beneath time, watching it pass. It was really cool. I want to find one here in Mexico.

HCE

I once had three months...about two years ago. Been fighting to get those three months back ever since. It surely was not worth loosing for a few drinks.

OurTater

I'm 95 days sober and crave alcohol constantly. I recently had a day where I realised the day before I hadn't. I carry on, a minute or an hour at a time, deciding not to pick up the first drink, because then I can't pick up the second.
And I trust, from speaking to others, that the cravings will die down.
Good luck.

polaris

I was right around 4 months sober when I relapsed hard. I was doing good and wasnt even that interested in drinking, but there was a serious series of events that led to that (and me justifying me taking a "night off" and having the ability to bounce right back on the wagon).

That was something like 10 months ago, and Ive been struggling to maintain any significant time of sobriety. I was on a great path, and let my guard down for whatever reason. That was a terrible mistake.

I made a post about my 90+ day mark here a bit of time ago, and it was really epic and heart felt, I revealed a lot about myself (which I HATE doing). I eventually thought I was okay to take a night off, and so I have been struggling since then.

Dont test your fate. You have some real momentum, do not sacrifice it now. You have much better things to do now than ATTEMPT to "drink responsibly" when you are gaining momentum in the right direction.

Soberwolf

Happy Halloween Sleepie

Grakbar

I'm only just shy of the weeks this time around, but speaking from past experience it seems like the further away from quitting the more that voice starts saying it's OK to go out for that first drink. I'm doing my best to stay with groups that know what it's like and also to remember why there is never going to be a time that it'll just be OK to drink again. I don't mean dwelling on past mistakes, just making sure not to forget them.

leviathan

Sleepie, you say a bit of stress would possibly be enough to have you drinking again. Also, that you have been close.
-so you know things are fragile. So, fortify!
Really think about how well alcohol and benzos help you. I don't think you would have put in the massive amount of effort that you have to get away from things that were treating you well.

I'm trying to sum up my main strategy (perhaps poorly). In the first few months, while doing the white knuckle thing, I really meditated on the alcohol and drugs. I came to the conclusion that there was just nothing there for me anymore. No matter how crappy life may get, there's just no benefit in drinking for me.
I know this for a fact. I ran the experiment thousands of times.