Frank14

I had a real epiphany and while I'm still very early in my recovery, I'm pretty confident my sobriety will stick this time. I finally realized that one reason I would drink to the point of blackout every night is because I'm miserable in my marriage.

My wife is a real nasty and mean individual towards me (for brevity I'll spare the details). At his point, now that I'm sober my confidence and self-worth are back, and I'm unwilling to be a punching bag any longer. It's a real moment of clarity for me.

Has anyone else had this experience of becoming sober and realizing your drunkeness was something keeping you in a bad relationship?

bullmas

Only time will tell, Like yourself I'm still early in the game , I'm going to slow down and be more reasonable ( if possible) with my wife and see where it goes , all I can do

is, all I can do.

Cheers

FeelingGreat

Frank, maybe she'll be less resentful now you're sober? I wouldn't like to be living with an A either (even though I am a recovered A, but luckily lived on my own).

Time will tell as you sobriety changes your life in significant ways.

Dee74

I'm in the 'time will tell' camp Frank.

I had a lot of epiphanies in my early recovery - not all of them lasted the first 90 days.

I'm not saying you're wrong - I can't possibly judge that - but, you're in danger or your recovery is threatened, I think it's a good rule of thumb not to make impulsive decisions until you're sure who sober you is.

D

zjw

i could be a punching back too getting more confidence and such only helped the relationship. My relationship improved but it was a struggle at first a difficult one too since i was battling trying to stay sober and trying to tend to the relationship needs as best i could. It doesnt always work out like that tho many relationships fail too as people heal and get better.

thomas11

Hi Frank, I didn't have it with my wife, but I did with my parents. Taking cheap shots at someone with an alcohol problem is an easy target. And bullies will bully. Its what they do. Now that you're sober, you've got that target off your back, and are ready to fight back. It is very hard for the bully to get that through their thick skull. Wish you the best man.

Fly N Buy

Hi Frank, glad you're here.......

Early in sobriety I posted a similar thread here and was given some good advice. Sometimes, I even follow it

I will comment that today at 502 days sober, my wife has gotten sooooo much better. I have to remember what my part was in the relationship - making loved ones neurotic. Then I got sober, had some clarity and thought, man these people are crazy.........

god I love alcoholics......
Thanks for the post, friend!

tursiops999

Hi Frank,

I'm in the "give it time" camp too. I've been sober a year, and the dynamic in my marriage has changed a lot during that year. Luckily it changed for the better. I kept the focus just on my own recovery -- worked my plan every day --- and tried to just let my husband deal with his own stuff, with no comments from me. Now our marriage is better than ever and we are both so much happier.

It may or may not work out that way for you. But my guess is that getting some significant sober time will bring changes in your relationship, and will also bring you the clarity to know what needs to be done.

Music

I wouldn't go jumping to conclusions if I were you. Blaming others for the way we are regarding alcohol is what we do. It's always something or someone else's fault. I'd suggest slowing down and getting some help with your marriage before you do anything drastic.

Frank14

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I do want to clarify that she thinks I've been sober for about 18 months now. I would secretly drink at night only after she went to sleep (the Vodka in sparkling fruit juice trick). So she only interacts with me when I'm sober, and it's not a case in which she will be nicer to me as she's been "dealing with a drunk." No one has witnessed me drunk or intoxicated in the past 18 months. Yeah, I do feel guilty about this. I'll hang in there and see what happens...

gaffo

I wish I had an answer for you because then maybe I'd have one for myself. I am a week away from 4 years sober and I'm still clueless. A big reason that I quit was to sort out my marriage, being bombed all the time wasn't helping anything and I (mistakenly) thought that it was a big issue for her. Well it actually seemed to make her mad that I quit. I no longer bought her drinks and maybe she thought I was lording it over her or something. I just don't know. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that she was not helpful and not supportive of my sobriety, I had to find that positive reinforcement other places, like here. Since then I also quit smoking pot, which also seemed to make her mad but by that point I knew not to expect anything.

Here is the thing:
It doesn't matter what she thought or the state of our marriage. It is without intimacy or joy, she is like a room mate who knows too much about me but I have let it go for now because I have my sobriety, I have my mind. This state has not come easily to me, sobriety has taken a lot of work but it has been totally worth it. Someday I the kids will be grown up and the house will be paid off and maybe then I'll get a divorce but for now I'm cruising along one day at a time. I know this probably isn't very helpful but good luck with your sobriety. It really helps!

MIRecovery

It kept me in a horrible marriage for 18 years. I sobered up for 6 months and realized, "What the hell am I doing here?" Leaving the marriage was not the end of my drinking but it was a huge step forward towards my eventual sobriety

107L

Maybe your wife acts nasty as a defence mechanism? Communication is always a great start to understanding any "people" problem but it may not have favorable results.

I got sober to sort my "life, relationship, business, you name it" out. I lost my business and my partner walked out 6 months into my sobriety.

2 years into recovery and life is starting to make sense. I am a lot happier and grateful at the second chances I have been given.

Life has a funny way of playing out. Hope it starts making sense to you soon Frank14
xx

Hawkeye13

So maybe your hidden drinking was impacting the dynamic of your marriage?

I know my spouse was pretty angry and nasty to me for a good chunk of time
when I got sober, but frankly I earned a lot of that with my drunk behavior.

It is much much better now--I'm glad I didn't get hasty but gave the relationship time to heal.

There are still issues, but also some increased strengths, working on 20 years together now . . .

It is so easy for us alkies to avoid dealing with tough stuff
be sure that isn't what you are doing here.

If you've been lying and hiding drinking for 18 months, you may
want to give it a good try before writing off the relationship because
she may know, or have sensed, more than you think she has.

Good luck and congrats on the "true sobriety" you have now

midgetcop

I can only speak for myself, but going to treatment and getting sober DID allow me to face the fact that my marriage wasn't working. In fact, our relationship hadn't worked in a loooong time, but we both used drugs/alcohol as a way to bury our unhappiness.

One thing I can say though - I'm literally going through the divorce right now and I haven't been able to stay sober. It's just been too much for me to handle at this point, and it has prevented me from placing my sobriety at the top of my priority list.

Not sure if this helps, but it's food for thought.

Dropsie

Give it some time and you will know.

You think you know now, and you may be right, but even so, I would wait to do anything for all the reasons given by others.

My husband was and is a sociopath, so I know how you feel, but few more months to get your sober legs won't kill you, but losing this legs might.

Good luck.

MelindaFlowers

Have they witnessed you hungover? I was a nasty sharp-tongued mess when I was hungover.

Ruby2

I'm unfortunately the sharp tongued wife in my marriage. I've been sober onr month shy of two years. My husband is an alcoholic addict and has been in and out of sobriety during that time, currently out. He thinks he's pulling the wool over my eyes sometimes but it's so obvious when he's been drinking and using. I get bitter and lonely because I get absolutely no help from him whatsoever around the house or with the kids. His hangovers and woe is me attitude render his small begrudging gestures meaningless.

I don't know if this is the situation you're in but chances are your wife probably suspects you're drinking. Focus on getting completely and honestly sober and then sort things out once you've got time under your belt.

thisisme

Sobriety ended my marriage.
I love sobriety.

Frank14

Yeah, you've got a good point regarding the hangover. I may not be "drunk," but I have a horrible temper on my hangover days, which probably contributes to issues.