Need advice for a very heavy drinker
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Need advice for a very heavy drinker
Hi,
I just need some advice.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He was a year and a half sober until last month.
He took a drink a month ago. We nipped it in the bud though - it was only a 2-3 day bender on vodka.
After that, I took him to my house and we tapered his drinking with a Guinness every hour and reduced over about four days. It was risky, but he felt he could handle it throughout and we kept a close eye on his symptoms and his pulse.
He stayed sober and was absolutely adamant it was a blip. Everything got back on track, he was working and looking after his daughter a few days a week. Then about three weeks later he started drinking again due to some petty arguments we had. I feel the arguments were caused by him because he has this unachievably high expectation of me all the time. I feel subtly controlled and manipulated to meet his needs and keep him happy.... Else we argue and I fear he will get stressed and drink. I feel this isn't a conscious control by him, but more of him using me to feel his emotional voids. I am his happiness which creates extreme pressure that I don't respond well to.
Anyway, I waffle... It all got too much for me and I argued with him a few times which in turn stressed him out and he went to his flat and drank. Not my fault I know, but my point is that our relationship is very much 'all about him and his needs' so therefore I resist this and it causes friction. I'm starting to wonder if I am his new addiction/the thing that keeps him happy rather than alcohol. Our relationship isn't healthy because I don't feel free... I have to cater to his hissy fits over small things just to keep it smooth.
Question 1 - is this typical SOBER addict behaviour? Needy, insecure, controlling, sexually demanding, jealous, blameful, hypersensitive to any perceived relationship threat, self absorbed in their needs etc...
Maybe an example will help: I changed my profile picture on Whatsapp from a picture of him and me, to a picture of some scenery. He wigged out. He felt I was being inconsiderate of his feelings. It was ridiculous because the scenery was a photo that I took on one of OUR days out together. It was sentimental scenery of ours. Even though I explained that, he still continued to protest until I changed it back. (This was all when he was sober).
Next bit I need advice on is to do with his current behaviour now he's drinking.
Background to his situation now:
he had a motorbike accident on Monday and he was in hospital for 4 days. He was given Chlordiazeproxide to take. He couldn't take being in hospital anymore so he requested to discharge himself. The doctors agreed as they'd stitched him up and wasn't much more they could do for him. He came back to my house and I looked after him (while making sure he couldn't get out anywhere to get booze). The very first night he was here, I smelt booze on him. Lord knows where he got it from but he swore on everything he hadn't drank and it was just the mixture of drugs they gave him that had made him feel funny.
I didn't believe him and I sent him home in a taxi (but I retained his bank card so he couldn't spend money on alcohol) for him to sober up.
The next day I went to see him and he still swore he hadn't drank. I had no choice but to give him th benefit of the doubt and take him home with me so I could help him with his injuries and keep him away from alcohol.
Again, that very night I smelt the same smell. He was also acting strange and wanting to go outside the front of the house to make a phone call. I watched him from the window and spotted him with 2 bottles of wine hidden in his support tights (support tights from hospital!).
Long story short, his mum came to get him as he was acting horrid - telling me he was going to kill himself if I left him, weeing against my patio doors out of disrespect, telling me he was going to go to the nearest pub and pick up a new woman etc etc. He also picked up a knife and was threatening to stab himself I our relationship was over. His mum took him home but as they arrived there, she tripped and fell breaking her tooth.
The next day I went to see him at his flat and he said sorry about it all and that he couldn't remember much. He was indifferent about his mums injuries and he wasn't overly sorry about everything he'd said. He basically only had concerns about if me and him were still together or not, where his motorbike was, where his bank card was, and where his bottle of wine was laying.
To cut a long story short, he's been at his flat drinking around 5-6 bottles of wine a day, won't answer his phone, won't get sober, still is blaming me for being 'uncaring' and taking his bank card.
He says he wants to stop drinking, yet he has done absolutely nothing to stop. Well, when i was there with him he agreed to phone the alcohol services.
I'm trying to make him see that his body won't take this for very long given that he almost died from alcohol last year, he will lose his right to see his daughter, he will lose me until he's sober...
So far I'm wondering if I should just totally stop contacting him. He hasn't even bothered to top up his phone to call me yet alone answer his phone - yet, he says he will kill himself if we are over? It makes no sense to me as I'm not able to understand the mind of an alcoholic.
I want him to know (and have told him) that I am here for him when he is sober but I will not see him or speak to him until then.
Am I doing the right thing? I want him to feel supported and not to feel abandoned as it might push him father into drink. However I don't want him to think I will be supporting him and a pushover while he is drinking.
Can any alcoholics shed some light into why he's so manipulative and constantly lying, and why he's so adamant that our relationship is life or death for him yet he can't even be bothered with anything but drink right now.
I must add that he IS a caring man, else I wouldn't be with him. I see so much good in him (smart, kind, funny, reliable, affectionate, willing, good dad). It's just that he's so darn insecure that it brings out the worst sides of him (controlling, needy, selfish to his own anxieties, blameful)
I just need some advice.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He was a year and a half sober until last month.
He took a drink a month ago. We nipped it in the bud though - it was only a 2-3 day bender on vodka.
After that, I took him to my house and we tapered his drinking with a Guinness every hour and reduced over about four days. It was risky, but he felt he could handle it throughout and we kept a close eye on his symptoms and his pulse.
He stayed sober and was absolutely adamant it was a blip. Everything got back on track, he was working and looking after his daughter a few days a week. Then about three weeks later he started drinking again due to some petty arguments we had. I feel the arguments were caused by him because he has this unachievably high expectation of me all the time. I feel subtly controlled and manipulated to meet his needs and keep him happy.... Else we argue and I fear he will get stressed and drink. I feel this isn't a conscious control by him, but more of him using me to feel his emotional voids. I am his happiness which creates extreme pressure that I don't respond well to.
Anyway, I waffle... It all got too much for me and I argued with him a few times which in turn stressed him out and he went to his flat and drank. Not my fault I know, but my point is that our relationship is very much 'all about him and his needs' so therefore I resist this and it causes friction. I'm starting to wonder if I am his new addiction/the thing that keeps him happy rather than alcohol. Our relationship isn't healthy because I don't feel free... I have to cater to his hissy fits over small things just to keep it smooth.
Question 1 - is this typical SOBER addict behaviour? Needy, insecure, controlling, sexually demanding, jealous, blameful, hypersensitive to any perceived relationship threat, self absorbed in their needs etc...
Maybe an example will help: I changed my profile picture on Whatsapp from a picture of him and me, to a picture of some scenery. He wigged out. He felt I was being inconsiderate of his feelings. It was ridiculous because the scenery was a photo that I took on one of OUR days out together. It was sentimental scenery of ours. Even though I explained that, he still continued to protest until I changed it back. (This was all when he was sober).
Next bit I need advice on is to do with his current behaviour now he's drinking.
Background to his situation now:
he had a motorbike accident on Monday and he was in hospital for 4 days. He was given Chlordiazeproxide to take. He couldn't take being in hospital anymore so he requested to discharge himself. The doctors agreed as they'd stitched him up and wasn't much more they could do for him. He came back to my house and I looked after him (while making sure he couldn't get out anywhere to get booze). The very first night he was here, I smelt booze on him. Lord knows where he got it from but he swore on everything he hadn't drank and it was just the mixture of drugs they gave him that had made him feel funny.
I didn't believe him and I sent him home in a taxi (but I retained his bank card so he couldn't spend money on alcohol) for him to sober up.
The next day I went to see him and he still swore he hadn't drank. I had no choice but to give him th benefit of the doubt and take him home with me so I could help him with his injuries and keep him away from alcohol.
Again, that very night I smelt the same smell. He was also acting strange and wanting to go outside the front of the house to make a phone call. I watched him from the window and spotted him with 2 bottles of wine hidden in his support tights (support tights from hospital!).
Long story short, his mum came to get him as he was acting horrid - telling me he was going to kill himself if I left him, weeing against my patio doors out of disrespect, telling me he was going to go to the nearest pub and pick up a new woman etc etc. He also picked up a knife and was threatening to stab himself I our relationship was over. His mum took him home but as they arrived there, she tripped and fell breaking her tooth.
The next day I went to see him at his flat and he said sorry about it all and that he couldn't remember much. He was indifferent about his mums injuries and he wasn't overly sorry about everything he'd said. He basically only had concerns about if me and him were still together or not, where his motorbike was, where his bank card was, and where his bottle of wine was laying.
To cut a long story short, he's been at his flat drinking around 5-6 bottles of wine a day, won't answer his phone, won't get sober, still is blaming me for being 'uncaring' and taking his bank card.
He says he wants to stop drinking, yet he has done absolutely nothing to stop. Well, when i was there with him he agreed to phone the alcohol services.
I'm trying to make him see that his body won't take this for very long given that he almost died from alcohol last year, he will lose his right to see his daughter, he will lose me until he's sober...
So far I'm wondering if I should just totally stop contacting him. He hasn't even bothered to top up his phone to call me yet alone answer his phone - yet, he says he will kill himself if we are over? It makes no sense to me as I'm not able to understand the mind of an alcoholic.
I want him to know (and have told him) that I am here for him when he is sober but I will not see him or speak to him until then.
Am I doing the right thing? I want him to feel supported and not to feel abandoned as it might push him father into drink. However I don't want him to think I will be supporting him and a pushover while he is drinking.
Can any alcoholics shed some light into why he's so manipulative and constantly lying, and why he's so adamant that our relationship is life or death for him yet he can't even be bothered with anything but drink right now.
I must add that he IS a caring man, else I wouldn't be with him. I see so much good in him (smart, kind, funny, reliable, affectionate, willing, good dad). It's just that he's so darn insecure that it brings out the worst sides of him (controlling, needy, selfish to his own anxieties, blameful)
Last edited by Tomandliv; 10-19-2015 at 01:09 PM. Reason: Extra information
So far I'm wondering if I should just totally stop contacting him. He hasn't even bothered to top up his phone to call me yet alone answer his phone - yet, he says he will kill himself if we are over? It makes no sense to me as I'm not able to understand the mind of an alcoholic.
I want him to know (and have told him) that I am here for him when he is sober but I will not see him or speak to him until then.
Am I doing the right thing?
I want him to know (and have told him) that I am here for him when he is sober but I will not see him or speak to him until then.
Am I doing the right thing?
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 49
YES. 1000x yes! Thank goodness you said "boyfriend" and not "husband"- you have an opportunity (as painful as I know it is) to be with whomever you want, trust me when I say this- just let him figure this out, by himself. You are not qualified to operate as his rehab counselor, detox facility, psychologist or doctor, and I say that with love. Back away, focus on you and maybe some day you'll reconnect and he'll be doing great. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, we are awful when we are active.
At your worst, would've you felt abandoned if someone said they wouldn't be there for you drunk? Or would've you accepted it?
Im worried about the suicide thing because he did attempt it two times last year (which I feel is so selfish seeing as he has a young daughter) but that's just me being inexperienced in alcoholism.
Honestly, I wouldn't have cared and probably would have told them to **** off. I was the most selfish jerk ever when I was a drunk, I wouldn't have been affected by anyone outside of myself. It was a very sad and lonely existence, but I was so drunk most of the time I didn't even notice it. Course I probably would have used it as an excuse to drink, and let them know it in a tactic to get them back into my mess. If you are worried about suicide, and if he threatens it , call 911. He will either get the help he needs, or he'll knock it off (the threats- that is manipulation).
Omg!! That sounds awful! I'm an alcoholic and have been an idiot, but I would never do anything like that.
This goes beyond alcoholism, this is abusive.
Don't feel bad for not having him in your life, tell him to **** off and go live your life, you don't need this, you seriously don't.
Xoxo
If he tells you he can't live without you and is going to kill himself, thats his problem not yours.
I had men do this to me as well, at first I'd feel horrible, now if someone does it, I just get annoyed and tell them to grow up.
This goes beyond alcoholism, this is abusive.
Don't feel bad for not having him in your life, tell him to **** off and go live your life, you don't need this, you seriously don't.
Xoxo
If he tells you he can't live without you and is going to kill himself, thats his problem not yours.
I had men do this to me as well, at first I'd feel horrible, now if someone does it, I just get annoyed and tell them to grow up.
Welcome tomandliv! A couple of things here.
Early on you mentioned that "he started drinking again due to some petty arguments we had". He didn't drink because of the arguments, he drank because he's an alcoholic. That's what alcoholics do...they lie, make up excuses and generally do whatever they can to blame someone else for their drinking. It is very hard for those outside to understand, and even hard for the alcoholic themselves to understand.
You've gone above and beyond to help and it's a valiant effort, but unfortunately he is the only one that can truly make the decision to quit for good. People cannot be "loved" sober or "forced" sober. I think you've made the best possible decision you could have - to take care of yourself and let him know that while you care for him deeply his behavior is unacceptable and not compatible with a relationship.
It's certainly possible that this could cause him to "see the light" so to speak, but be prepared that he may not. There will also possibly be a lot more excuses and empty promises..so be wary. There are many groups out there for friends and families of alcoholics, and we have a friends and family section here too if you'd like to check it out. Lots of poeple there have been through what you are going through and can help.
Lastly though don't ever second guess your decision....you did the right thing and you should be commended. Taking care of yourself is a very important thing to do.
Early on you mentioned that "he started drinking again due to some petty arguments we had". He didn't drink because of the arguments, he drank because he's an alcoholic. That's what alcoholics do...they lie, make up excuses and generally do whatever they can to blame someone else for their drinking. It is very hard for those outside to understand, and even hard for the alcoholic themselves to understand.
You've gone above and beyond to help and it's a valiant effort, but unfortunately he is the only one that can truly make the decision to quit for good. People cannot be "loved" sober or "forced" sober. I think you've made the best possible decision you could have - to take care of yourself and let him know that while you care for him deeply his behavior is unacceptable and not compatible with a relationship.
It's certainly possible that this could cause him to "see the light" so to speak, but be prepared that he may not. There will also possibly be a lot more excuses and empty promises..so be wary. There are many groups out there for friends and families of alcoholics, and we have a friends and family section here too if you'd like to check it out. Lots of poeple there have been through what you are going through and can help.
Lastly though don't ever second guess your decision....you did the right thing and you should be commended. Taking care of yourself is a very important thing to do.
Thank you Flutter.
At your worst, would've you felt abandoned if someone said they wouldn't be there for you drunk? Or would've you accepted it?
Im worried about the suicide thing because he did attempt it two times last year (which I feel is so selfish seeing as he has a young daughter) but that's just me being inexperienced in alcoholism.
At your worst, would've you felt abandoned if someone said they wouldn't be there for you drunk? Or would've you accepted it?
Im worried about the suicide thing because he did attempt it two times last year (which I feel is so selfish seeing as he has a young daughter) but that's just me being inexperienced in alcoholism.
I was angry at first, but then I realized that he had the right.
And I wasn't as bad as your guy is, he had enough self esteem not to put up with that which is awesome and I respect him for it ( he is an a$$hole in general, but I like that he stuck up for himself)
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Thank you both.
I agree with calling an ambulance if he threatens it infront of me - in fact I had my phone in hand and told him I would. With that, he said I was uncaring. Yes, more manipulation.
I'm definite now that I will not contact him - he can get himself some credit if he really wants to contact me. When he does, I will still explain that I'm here for him as soon as he is sober.
In regards to our relationship when he's sober (IF he gets there and does die) I'm hoping that going back to AA and to church will help him fill the void of happiness. I've explained so many times I cannot be his main source of happiness as it puts me under a microscope and our relationship under strain.
Without defending him, he's honestly a kind, loyal, very caring man. He is just totally controlled by his insecurities and his inability to regulate his emotions or take responsibilty for himself.
I think he's had 10 years of being manipulative and lying (for alcohol purposes) that it extends into his sobriety. It's like a learned behaviour. Hes used to getting what he wants/needs I guess. I'm very much tough headed and I don't give in, but even I have found myself slowly and subtly weaved into control.
I'm hoping he gets the help he needs mentally to 'rewire' his though processes. Maybe AA and Church will do that for him.
He is very self aware, and remains adamant he doesn't want to be this person, but he says he doesn't know how to change his thoughts.
Anyway I really am waffling.
I will definitely take the advice and leave him be until he is sober. I will then stick by him if he goes to Church, AA and seeks some resources to educate himself on his behaviour.
I agree with calling an ambulance if he threatens it infront of me - in fact I had my phone in hand and told him I would. With that, he said I was uncaring. Yes, more manipulation.
I'm definite now that I will not contact him - he can get himself some credit if he really wants to contact me. When he does, I will still explain that I'm here for him as soon as he is sober.
In regards to our relationship when he's sober (IF he gets there and does die) I'm hoping that going back to AA and to church will help him fill the void of happiness. I've explained so many times I cannot be his main source of happiness as it puts me under a microscope and our relationship under strain.
Without defending him, he's honestly a kind, loyal, very caring man. He is just totally controlled by his insecurities and his inability to regulate his emotions or take responsibilty for himself.
I think he's had 10 years of being manipulative and lying (for alcohol purposes) that it extends into his sobriety. It's like a learned behaviour. Hes used to getting what he wants/needs I guess. I'm very much tough headed and I don't give in, but even I have found myself slowly and subtly weaved into control.
I'm hoping he gets the help he needs mentally to 'rewire' his though processes. Maybe AA and Church will do that for him.
He is very self aware, and remains adamant he doesn't want to be this person, but he says he doesn't know how to change his thoughts.
Anyway I really am waffling.
I will definitely take the advice and leave him be until he is sober. I will then stick by him if he goes to Church, AA and seeks some resources to educate himself on his behaviour.
I think it's ok to know that there's a kind gentle caring person underneath the alcoholism, but he's showing you who he is NOW. I think a lot of us, probably most of us are very loving and decent people without the addiction activity, I know I am but while actively addicted, no way.
One thing I kept noticing in your post was your use of "we", "we tapered" "we nipped it in the bud", etc.. You are involving yourself in the success/failure of his "recovery" and you're not in any way responsible- this is 100% his deal, there are professionals out there who specialize in this stuff if he wants it, he doesn't NEED you to recover, not one bit.
Hugs!!
One thing I kept noticing in your post was your use of "we", "we tapered" "we nipped it in the bud", etc.. You are involving yourself in the success/failure of his "recovery" and you're not in any way responsible- this is 100% his deal, there are professionals out there who specialize in this stuff if he wants it, he doesn't NEED you to recover, not one bit.
Hugs!!
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I think it's ok to know that there's a kind gentle caring person underneath the alcoholism, but he's showing you who he is NOW. I think a lot of us, probably most of us are very loving and decent people without the addiction activity, I know I am but while actively addicted, no way.
One thing I kept noticing in your post was your use of "we", "we tapered" "we nipped it in the bud", etc.. You are involving yourself in the success/failure of his "recovery" and you're not in any way responsible- this is 100% his deal, there are professionals out there who specialize in this stuff if he wants it, he doesn't NEED you to recover, not one bit.
Hugs!!
One thing I kept noticing in your post was your use of "we", "we tapered" "we nipped it in the bud", etc.. You are involving yourself in the success/failure of his "recovery" and you're not in any way responsible- this is 100% his deal, there are professionals out there who specialize in this stuff if he wants it, he doesn't NEED you to recover, not one bit.
Hugs!!
Well spotted Flutter.. That is a very true statement.
I guess I just have a big heart and never want someone to feel abandoned... So I tried as so many do, to rescue him and take over his own battle.
However I've reached a point where I've done all I can do, and I can hold onto that knowledge when if he says "you didn't care" or "if you were just more supportive". Ha!
I do start to laugh at the manipulation used.
You mentioned that he's kind and caring etc.
Now this is extreme, but even serial killers are nice sometimes and like rainbows.
Now I know he's most likely not Ted Bundy, but I just said that illustrate that everyone has good qualities, it doesn't excuse them from the bad things they do
Xoxo
Now this is extreme, but even serial killers are nice sometimes and like rainbows.
Now I know he's most likely not Ted Bundy, but I just said that illustrate that everyone has good qualities, it doesn't excuse them from the bad things they do
Xoxo
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You mentioned that he's kind and caring etc.
Now this is extreme, but even serial killers are nice sometimes and like rainbows.
Now I know he's most likely not Ted Bundy, but I just said that illustrate that everyone has good qualities, it doesn't excuse them from the bad things they do
Xoxo
Now this is extreme, but even serial killers are nice sometimes and like rainbows.
Now I know he's most likely not Ted Bundy, but I just said that illustrate that everyone has good qualities, it doesn't excuse them from the bad things they do
Xoxo
I guess what holds me to the thought that he genuinely is a good soul is that he is a good dad - to me, that shows someone's heart. Of course he does lots of other good and kind things, but as you implied, anyone can do these (even seri killers) but the love for a child is the most telling.
Very true again.
I guess what holds me to the thought that he genuinely is a good soul is that he is a good dad - to me, that shows someone's heart. Of course he does lots of other good and kind things, but as you implied, anyone can do these (even seri killers) but the love for a child is the most telling.
I guess what holds me to the thought that he genuinely is a good soul is that he is a good dad - to me, that shows someone's heart. Of course he does lots of other good and kind things, but as you implied, anyone can do these (even seri killers) but the love for a child is the most telling.
Isreal keyes was one of the most sadistic, diabolical people around and he was an amazing father, same with BTK, he was a respected family man and member of his church.
Now I'm not saying your guy is a psychopath, just that you should be aware that sometimes people that will hurt you have good qualities as well.
When I was younger I dated a really bad guy, he was super emotionally, physically , and mentally abusive, he had a son and he was a great father too, but he's actually a bad person in general.
Just be careful xoxo
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I understand your point, it's very true. I just meant that after he gets sober, those qualities are what give me a feeling that I want to give him one more chance (we have only been together six months).
The only condition of that last chance is that he goes to AA and to church to clean up his thinking (he was raised a Christian).
The only condition of that last chance is that he goes to AA and to church to clean up his thinking (he was raised a Christian).
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Sorry I study criminology haha, so my references will be weird.
Isreal keyes was one of the most sadistic, diabolical people around and he was an amazing father, same with BTK, he was a respected family man and member of his church.
Now I'm not saying your guy is a psychopath, just that you should be aware that sometimes people that will hurt you have good qualities as well.
When I was younger I dated a really bad guy, he was super emotionally, physically , and mentally abusive, he had a son and he was a great father too, but he's actually a bad person in general.
Just be careful xoxo
Isreal keyes was one of the most sadistic, diabolical people around and he was an amazing father, same with BTK, he was a respected family man and member of his church.
Now I'm not saying your guy is a psychopath, just that you should be aware that sometimes people that will hurt you have good qualities as well.
When I was younger I dated a really bad guy, he was super emotionally, physically , and mentally abusive, he had a son and he was a great father too, but he's actually a bad person in general.
Just be careful xoxo
Thank you, I appreciate any input. I think I'm also like you in the way that I question every aspect of someone's personality (I'm not naive). Believe me, I've ping-ponged between trying to figure out if he's purposely calculated in is control and actually knows how very manipulative he's seeming, or if he's genuinely like a scared child in our relationship (driven by an intense fear or rejection or abandonment). I feel it's the latter... I feel he is so terrified of losing me that he tries to fence me in and keep any perceived threat to our relationship away.
He wants constant affection, constant reassurance that he's loved, as much time together as possible, concrete plans for a future together (house, kids, marriage).
When I say that none of that stuff can be on the cards whilst our relationship is full of arguments, he immediately goes into 'all or nothing' mode. He'll literally feel like we are finished. Like it's all pointless.
From a logical mindset, it's so annoying! I'm like: work with me towards it all!
Anyway, more waffle ha.
Hi tomandliv - welcome
I think this would be the best for you.
It may even be the push he needs to realise how far down the hole he is.
I was engaged in an affair...with a bottle. Drink turned me into someone else. I lied, I hid, I lashed out to protect my obsessional secret love, I disregarded the feelings of those who loved me and I blamed them for my actions - they pushed me into the arms of the 'other woman', alcohol.
I was a nice guy, but I wasn't being a nice guy.
Think of yourself and your welfare tomandliv. Think of what you want your future to look like If this is six months, what might 6 years of this crap look like?
D
So far I'm wondering if I should just totally stop contacting him.
It may even be the push he needs to realise how far down the hole he is.
I was engaged in an affair...with a bottle. Drink turned me into someone else. I lied, I hid, I lashed out to protect my obsessional secret love, I disregarded the feelings of those who loved me and I blamed them for my actions - they pushed me into the arms of the 'other woman', alcohol.
I was a nice guy, but I wasn't being a nice guy.
Think of yourself and your welfare tomandliv. Think of what you want your future to look like If this is six months, what might 6 years of this crap look like?
D
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The last three, not so perfect. In fact, pretty rubbish.
I guess I just feel like his life is in my hands (not to be dramatic but it's hard to ignore someone's suicide threats when they've tried it a few times) so therefore I will try one last time if he gets sober. Without sounding like a parrot, if he goes to AA, church and also gets to the doctor for some sort of CBT or DBT therapy referral, then I'll support him and stay whilst he repairs his mind.
If I hear half truths, excuses etc then I am gone and he can chose to do what he wants with that.
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Hi tomandliv - welcome
I think this would be the best for you.
It may even be the push he needs to realise how far down the hole he is.
I was engaged in an affair...with a bottle. Drink turned me into someone else. I lied, I hid, I lashed out to protect my obsessional secret love, I disregarded the feelings of those who loved me and I blamed them for my actions - they pushed me into the arms of the 'other woman', alcohol.
I was a nice guy, but I wasn't being a nice guy.
Think of yourself and your welfare tomandliv. Think of what you want your future to look like If this is six months, what might 6 years of this crap look like?
D
I think this would be the best for you.
It may even be the push he needs to realise how far down the hole he is.
I was engaged in an affair...with a bottle. Drink turned me into someone else. I lied, I hid, I lashed out to protect my obsessional secret love, I disregarded the feelings of those who loved me and I blamed them for my actions - they pushed me into the arms of the 'other woman', alcohol.
I was a nice guy, but I wasn't being a nice guy.
Think of yourself and your welfare tomandliv. Think of what you want your future to look like If this is six months, what might 6 years of this crap look like?
D
Good advice and well put! My boyfriend actaully described it as the same 'exclusive relationship' one day when he was sober... And even though I'm not an alcoholic, I can totally underatand your description.
I've seen what 5 years of that crap did to his ex, and wow. She's a mess.
I'm a strong person, so I can handle it for now, but I don't have any intention to stay long term if he can't get his mind sorted out - beyond being sober.
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