violetflame

I was doing very well had not drank in like 3 days. I was craving alcohol like crazy though. I went to a great meeting. Met some nice people.I got a white chip. Everyone clapped. Felt good. Eyed someone who I thought would be a good sponsor. Had a decaf and a water. Yet when I left I saw myself as though I were outside myself go straight to the gas station and buy 3 small wines. Told myself that would be all. Then went back later for 2 more. Needless to say I woke up feeling very down on myself. Why did I do this? Loneliness I guess. I can't stand my own company these days. My plan today is to not drink. I am going to a women's meeting at 4. I hope I can do this . It is so hard to not drink. And I am afraid to mess up in my new job. I need to get into prayer or something. So I don't give in to the urge again.

Berrybean

Why did you do it? Because you're alcoholic, and sometimes we fall at some of those sobriety hurdles.

Could be habit. Could be loneliness. Could be that you felt that you deserved a reward. And you just reached for that old cure-all. Old habits and all that..

The deal with developing our sobriety plans is that as we spot chinks in our armour, (slippery times; places; people; etc.) then we think of strategies to prepare ourselves better for them the next time.

So, if it might be loneliness, could you travel to a meeting and home again with someone else - then you CAN'T stop at the gas station? Plus, the chat in the car is often really valuable as much as anything else. And maybe have a telephone conversation planned for when you get home (not necessarily recovery related - maybe a relative or good friend you like to chat to).

And maybe think of a new treat / reward to look forward to after meetings and to celebrate in general.

Might also be worth thinking about those other HALT triggers as well. Have you let yourself get hungry, or tired or angry?

Gottalife

Drinking to overcome a craving beyond our ability to control, lost the power of choice in drink, no effective defence against the first drink.....

This is how most of us arrive in AA. You were only three days dry, perhaps not quite enough time for the phenomenon of craving to die down.

The requirement for AA mebership is a desire to stop. There is no rule that says we must stop immediately. If we could do that we wouldn't need AA anyway.

The important thing was your AA experience. You saw something you liked, it felt good. When you go back you will learn more about what they did to recover and get an idea of what actions you will need to take to have the same experience.

If your experience is anything like mine. when you commit to the AA program and begin taking action on it, the drink problem will disappear.

JeffreyAK

We do these things because we're addicts. I've done similar things, like stop at the booze store on the way home from outpatient treatment without even arguing with myself about it, just an automatic autopilot action that I felt like a passenger for. It's an effect of long-term chronic drinking on the brain, I think specifically the hippocampus. Next time can you go with a friend and otherwise change up your pattern so you're less likely to trigger that action?

violetflame

Thank you

violetflame

My new plan. Go to meeting at 4. Get a sponsor. Dont drink.

Fly N Buy

Thanks for the post - glad you're here with us.

Going to meetings = the fellowship I find very supportive. But, it is step work that has relieved the obsession to drink for me. It's great you eyed a sponsor - sounds like the right path and coffee is good. Did you get this persons phone number and can you call them when you struggle???

Consider that next step - engage with a sponsor and work the program. Many find relief from drinking. AA and SR has been a very helpful plan of attack for me.

Keep coming back
Thanks again for the post

tomsteve

Why did I do this?
becuase youre an alcoholic
who has lost the ability to control your drinking.
powerless over alcohol and life has become unmanagable.

im very glad to read youre going to a meeting and getting a sponsor.
PLEASE add getting a big book and reading it.
its truly a simple program with many promises that can happen for you if you work for them.
many more promises than just the ones usually read at meetings.

sugarbear1

Hang out with others after the meeting, get phone numbers, call those people before you drink, get that sponsor and work those steps, specifically 4-7.

Keep trying!!

zjw

I dunno. I think its pretty cool your putting forth the effort and going to meetings. You'll get this. Just keep going to the meetings and posting etc..

Soberwolf

Glad your taking good positive action Violet

Dropsie

Violet,

Weird isn't it, the way we can go on autopilot. And I know so many who describe the same thing, its like someone else takes over. No fight, because its autopilot.

Or so it seems. But keep on plugging and you will get to the point where you can take back the controls.

I find some of the AV stuff extremely helpful at those moments -- you might want to check it out. Seems a bit odd at first, but after some time you get used to talking to yourself.

Just don't give up, never give up; and keep on posting no matter what.

Dropsie

PS; Soberwolf, I love you new signature. badass is good.

advbike

I used to drink after meetings sometimes. I have social anxiety and found them stressful, and my ego would make comparisons with the speaker and tell me I wasn't that bad, lol.

I eventually came to enjoy meetings and found them helpful once I accepted I was alcoholic, and powerless over my addiction.

bullmas

"Why did I do this? Loneliness I guess. I can't stand my own company these days."

violetflame : Alcohol is a master of knowing how to manipulate our negative

thoughts, and ultimately trying put us right back in bottle again!

Keep posting , stay in the game , we are all fighting the good fight!

Cheers.

violetflame

Went to a great women's meeting today. Did not drink. Serenity Sunday meeting tomorrow. And new job Monday. All is well in my world last night. Had coffee with a friend I had not seen in 25 years. He gave me much peace. I am happy to call today Day 1 again.

Coldfusion

Congratulations on making it through day one, Violetflame!

And I thank you for going to meetings--it's great to see a new person seeking a better life.

Berrybean

Well done Violet - enjoy your serenity meeting - and good luck with your new job on Monday.

What are your plans for after work on Monday? (I'm just guessing that in the past you'd have put your feet up and chilled out with some alcohol. It could be worth getting a treaty relaxing evening prepared for yourself - or another meeting - or both).

Dropsie

Violet,

I know the new job is a stressed, but ti can also be a great way to build new habits.

Like, I never drink after work.

For me, these new places and things helped.

thinking of you

Soberwolf