KAD

There are many in my life who care very much for me, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue for them. They want assurance. Some have seen me relapse repeatedly and were upset by it. After a while, though, they just came to expect it. They resigned themselves to the idea that I was just gonna go drink again. I can't even give any of the readers here assurance that I'm done. So, if that's what is preventing people from trusting or believing me, what else am I to do? Granted, I'm just 6 months sober now. I expect (hope) that it will get easier for others over time.

Aellyce

Hi GMO,

What prompted these thoughts? Is it that you feel hurt by some specific people who don't trust you right now, or is it meant to be a more general sharing of ideas?

I think we all betray others as active alcoholics and while some relationships can be repaired, other bridges are burnt forever. For me, the best way to deal with this has been the acceptance of it. Seeing it as a sort of karma process of actions and consequences with some consequences being irreversible. We should do our best to fix things, but realistically we can do only so much. Any other way, in my view, only builds and cultivates resentments... and attacks our self image at times when it should not be attacked. Also, I don't generally believe that absolutely every bad thing that happened when we were drinking was our fault... a lot of it yes but beating up ourselves forever that way and grieving lost trust on no end is not a process of integration in the long run.

Also, this whole thing about how much time we have sober, and judging the stability of it by time rather than quality is generally quite superficial imo... yes of course experience matters a lot and in many ways, the longer we stick with a constructive way of living the better... but it's more than simply that.

We all need trust, connection, reassurance and validation. I generally feel that the best and most effective kind reassurance tends to come from within, and from people I have a trustful relationship with in the present (assuming I'm not self-destructive in the present). People who can see me whole (or want to see me that way) and who are secure enough in their own being to know that too much criticism and doubt is not a good strategy to encourage another human being and to maintain a healthy connection. Also people with whom I have compatible value system as a sober person. Being mindful and vigilant is important, but focusing overly on the critics and devil's advocates can easily undermine our progress because we tend to internalize these and turn them into constant self attacks that get trapped or we react to them in unhealthy ways. It sounds to me that perhaps you have a good dose of bottled up aggression turned against yourself and maybe you see this mirrored in other people who express doubts. I would say, maybe if you are confident in your current state and progress, when doubts come up that you feel are unfair or exaggerated, confront them head on, tell them what you think and that you are up to discussion on the issue. But at the same being receptive to feedback and criticism is also important -- it's a balance, like many things

So maybe try to find reassurance from within, or from a belief system that supports your growth in a constructive way would be my suggestion. And congrats on the 6 months!

Holds1325

I cant wait to reach 6 months! CONGRATS

Stick in there and come on here as much as possible its helped me fight off the cravings at certain times. Use every tool you can think of to help you remain abstinent, you can do it!

KeyofC

Prove it with your continued actions is all you can do. Actions speak louder than words. (You know that)
Congratulations on your 6th months! That's amazing!

Soberwolf

6 months is 6 months your doing this have you not noticed your awesomeness ?

KAD

Hi Aellyce. I'd say the most recent occurrence that prompted me to post this question was a conversation I had with my ex girlfriend last night. I hurt, and angered, her quite a lot with my drinking and frequent relapses. Now, with the most recent consequences of my drinking 6 months ago, she's also very frightened for me. She asked, again, how can I know this is it. I responded there is no possible way to know without a time machine, or dying. All I have is now. That just kinda falls flat when I've said it at least a dozen times before. I try not to take it to heart and beat myself up over it, but it does get frustrating.

I anticipate that my children will also seek some kind of reassurance that daddy is going to be OK now. The revelation of my illness turned their world upside down. Add to that suddenly not seeing, or hearing from, me anymore, and it's practically like I died.

Also, I get it from some of the folks I know in AA. In spite of all the progress I've made, there's something demotivating about being told I'm "still very sick and have a long, long way to go." I am not short on recognition that I still have much work to do, but being constantly told that sometimes puts me on the defensive and ends up depressing me. Somehow I don't think that's what recovery ought to be about.

advbike

There's no way you can offer assurances, other than the assurance that you love them, you're on a good path and doing everything you can. Like another poster mentioned, actions speak louder than words. With time they will come to accept that sobriety is the new you.

Carver

6 months is a damned good start! I bet that by the time you reach a year, people will believe it more. All you have to do is stay sober.

Personally, I don't blame my gf for not believing that it's going to last; but it doesn't bother me. I'm gonna prove it

6 months is amazing! Just keep doing what you're doing

JeffreyAK

I think you said it yourself, and it's true. We can't rely too much on approval or attaboys from outside our skins, I think, because that puts power over us where it ought not be - outside our skins instead of inside. It also causes us to worry about things that are beyond our control. We stay sober because we want to stay sober, and all we can control is what we do. There's wisdom in the serenity prayer, versions of which date back at least to Hellenistic Greece.

Mountainmanbob

With only 6 months of sobriety after many years of heavy drinking we should not expect everyone to jump on board.

Oh yes, I remember when I had a few months sober and thought that everyone should be at ease with my disease. There it is -- disease. When is someone considered recovered from cancer?? Some say 5 years and others say 10 years. Yet we have seen some cancers return after 10 years and we have seen some others take a drink after more than 10 years of sobriety.

Truth -- they will believe in us staying sober when they know that sobriety has proven to be our new set in stone pattern.

Best to just not drink today and leave these matters that are out of our control to a Higher Power.

Mountainman

Dropsie

I am also not a big fan of the tenant that we are all walking on a cliff edge waiting to fall over with the slightest breeze, but that is just me.

I understand your frustration -- I don't think my eldest will ever trust me again which makes me sad, but all I can do is my best and hope that eventually she will forgive if not forget. And if not, I still have to do my best for the little one.

Why no contact with your children?? Always makes me sad to hear.

I know you know this, but the only way to be sure they won't trust you is to drink.

Great on 6 months -- we trust you.

KAD

When it came out that I'd not only been concealing a bothersome drinking habit for years, it also became known I had been drinking and driving with the kids in the car. Add to that, I was saying things I shouldn't have been saying to them, like revealing that I had been suicidal in the past and they are the only reason I stayed alive. Not a bad thing, per so, but it frightened and disturbed them. So, my ex and their counselor decided it was best to give them a break from me.

That will likely be the only thing I can do to regain anyone's trust. What an ugly, destructive sickness alcoholism is! Makes it difficult for people to be understanding, or forgiving, after we've recklessly plowed through their lives. Not drinking anymore is probably the smallest task I face, and I blew that time after time. This time I'm working the steps, making changes from the inside out. I'm seeing a difference, and it excites me! It will take longer for others to see it, and to believe it will last. I have to accept the possibility that some never will.

thomas11

If they are looking for assurance, they are asking too much. No one can "assure" much of anything. What they can do is see you making a commitment, trying, and being and getting better. But what do I know. I'm in the same boat as everyone else here. I applaud your 6 months of sobriety and that's awesome. I guess that is something I can assure you. I assure you I think 6 months is awesome.

Dropsie

That where that honesty will get you my friend.

I know its best and all that, but sometimes it will bite you in the butt.

How old are they??

Kids need us, even damaged, and they don't always understand that we can't see them.

Any chance of making deal for some supervised time, breakfast one day a week??

My ex does not care about the kids just winning, but if your actually loves the kids sometimes they are willing to see reason.

But either way, keep up the good work and it will happen eventually.