ESH? Thoughts or advice?
 

I hope I don't step on any toes, but I thought this might be the place to see if this is out of the ordinary - and maybe advice from the AH perspective(?)

AH and I have been in a pretty bad place for a few years now, although I only woke up to the alcoholic backbone of a lot of our issues the last year or so. The last year has been different in that the explosive anger has subsided (or at least his outward expression of it at least?). However, I still am pretty much alone in the marriage.

Here is where I'm at a loss. He's been going to AA off/on for a year, with the current push being that he's going pretty much every night. But, he's also still drinking every night (less - a small bottle vs a 750). I haven't been checking up on him, but he doesn't hide it, so I'm pretty sure it's consistent.

So, my first question - is this normal? Frankly, I broke down and told him I'm sick of picking up the slack with the kids, house...basically everything for him to keep disappearing and then still drinking and pretty much being "absent" even when he IS home. He brushes off any suggestions of any sort of intensive outpatient alternatives btw.

My next question is - Is an ultimatum ever a good idea? I know I can't keep this up. It's emotionally exhausting me. I'm working on upping my Alanon and trying my best to take time for me (with 2 young kids and work, etc. and an emotionally/physically absent spouse, it's hard). But, I feel like I'm getting all the bad parts of being a single mom with none of the freedom or benefits - I'm alone living with a spouse. I feel I may be getting close to my limit. I honestly don't know if our family could overtake the alcohol as a priority if I did give one, but it may not even matter either way given the current state of things. I can't live feeling this lonely while living with someone indefinitely.

Right now, I'm trying to stay out of his way and let him do what he needs to do, but after a year, we're more like roommates than a couple. At some point, enough has to be enough, right?

Anyway, thanks if you read this far. Any experience you are willing to share would be wonderful! :tyou

If he's still drinking any amount, he's in active addiction and not recovery.

I think I would do what is best for you at this point unicorn with the understanding
he is choosing to drink and not engage the family--the reduction in amount will slowly creep up--
he's still an addict but temporarily moderating to get you off his back is my best guess.
(I did this too for awhile with my spouse)

I think I wouldn't like the deal you are getting either--what kind boundary are you willing to set and enforce at this point?
A threat you back off of is worse than doing nothing, so be sure you are ready to act. . .

Agreed, if he's still drinking every day he's an active alcoholic, not in recovery.

Is it normal? In the sense that some alcoholics live in denial of their problem and keep drinking anyway, yes. That doesn't make it acceptable though.

Ultimatums are a tricky thing....because at the end of the day, only he can make the decision to get sober. No amount of intervention, rehab, or whatever you can dish out can force an alcoholic to quit. It has to be a decision that comes from within.

On the other hand, If you have simply had enough, an ultimatum for your departure from the relationship could be a boundary you have to set. If you are unhappy in the relationship and he's unwilling to change, taking care of yourself and making change for the better may be the only option.

If he's in AA does he have a sponsor and work the steps? Or just go to the meetings? Have you discussed openly with him your issues with his drinking?

If he's active in his alcoholism an ultimatum would unlikely work

Can you & kids go stay with family ? can you straight up ask him to leave and say you have had enough ?

I'm sorry things are like this for you, why does he go AA if he doesn't want to stop

Thank you, all of you, for the quick responses! I know he is not working the program AT ALL - every time I see him pick up a drink, it's obvious. He has started a step-study meeting recently.

As for discussing this with him, we have discussed it many times (too many!). I've even flat out asked him if he's just going through the motions to shut me up lol! (Not that I really expected an honest answer even if he was ...) He admits it's a huge problem and has been for a long time and that it takes up every second of his time with either waiting to drink or have that next one. He just can't/won't take that next step, whatever that has to be.

As far as leaving, my family is all far away. If he won't leave, the kids and I would have to go, which means getting an apt and likely leave behind our dogs with him. That's why it has to be the end of the road for me if I have to make that threat. We would have to sign a lease and go all out; I can't take care of the home we are in (financially or otherwise) alone regardless. I am, however, in a position to care for the 3 of us on my own elsewhere if need be.

I have told him that I was just about sick of this whole situation and that "sucking it up" so to speak if he was really serious about getting sober was one thing - I'm totally ok with that. But, I'm not ok with the situation if he's not going to actually get his *@%! together.

I'm thinking I will just have to deal with this as it is for now. My gut feeling is to wait it out until after the holidays are over and decide from there whether I am truly ready to leave.

Thanks for the post, sorry for your woes.......
Have you talked with your sponsor and are you doing step work?? AA is a program for those who have a desire to stop drinking - it is the only requirement for membership.

Is your husband's attendance mandated by some authority or is it voluntary???

We have to be in a lot of pain to stop. We have to hit bottom and what that is varies from person to person.

I don't yet have a sponsor but have been going on my own and reading a lot. As for AH, he has been going to meetings voluntarily - he generally drinks at home so hasn't gotten into any legal troubles as a result of the alcohol ... yet.

Ugh, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. It's hard for me to imagine the audacity of continuing to drink for a year after your family has asked you to stop. I hid my drinking for years, but as soon as the cat was out of the bag I went to rehab. I was a wreck but I knew I had to do it for them. And now I can't stomach the idea of relapsing, what it would do to them. That doesn't mean it won't ever happen, because I'm an alcoholic. But it means that I'm going to fight like hell for my sobriety because now it matters to my family, too.

The only thing I can imagine is that his addiction has progressed to the point where he doesn't care about or is numb to the damage he's doing. Which is terrible and sad. But in my book that means you should make the ultimatum, and then if he doesn't get sober (and within a set time period, like a month) you should leave. Maybe that'll shake some sense into him, which would be great, but if it doesn't you're still making the right decision. He's had plenty of time to make good on his intentions of sobriety, if he had any. After a year, he's adjusted to whatever level of humiliation or shame he feels from not having quit, and will probably be fine continuing that way ad infinitum if you let him.

I just know from my own experience that we alcoholics can live in a terrible situation for years at a time. I hope you don't put yourself and your kids through that when you have the ability to get out.

Good luck...

If you are an alcoholic yourself, I would say, leave him to it and focus on your own journey. You know that serenity prayer. He is the first sentence; you are the second sentence. The third sentence will keep you sane and focussed and doing what you need to do.

He'll either get sober or he won't, when he chooses.

Thank you again so, so much! Hearing from someone(s) on the "other side" of the equation so to speak is so very helpful. If we make it through the holidays without incident, I'm leaning towards giving him the choice. I really think he wants to quit but for whatever reason isn't ready/willing to do what it takes - which may be at the least an in-patient detox. This is a decades long problem.

As for me, I've always liked my cocktails or wine in the evenings but have cut back lately as it just makes me uncomfortable given the circumstances. The meetings I was speaking of were for Alanon - my own personal brand of recovery.

Hi Wheresmyunicorn

Every situation is different so there is no definitive advice I can give you.

However, empty threats and ultimatums will get you nowhere. In my case, I didn't really sit up and take notice until my wife actually walked out the door (we live abroad so she actually went home to the UK without even telling me, she just left). We did get back together after a month but it took me a further 2 years to be successful in my attempt to stop drinking completely. Despite ones best efforts, this is a REALLY difficult task. I take my hat off to anyone who has been successful.

Also, stopping drinking isn't the half of it. The first year of sobriety is all about repairing the physical side of alcoholism. The second year is all about the emotional side. (I am now just beginning year 3 and only just about getting to the root cause of my alcoholism with my counselor). The third year, I understand, is all about the spiritual side of things. So this is long haul for both of you. And where children are involved, you will need to consider their best interests and I am not the best person to advise you in that regard.

Believe it or not, the unicorn hasn't gone away completely. He has just had his body and mind snatched by an evil and powerful force. Unicorns are not evil, as we all know.

So painful what we drunks put the people we love through, and lets face it, we all have to some degree. Some like me to a BIG degree.

You have gotten great advice already, but I would second the not making idle threats point.

If you get to point where its the vodka or you and the kids, mean and own it.

For your sake as much as his.

We are here for you.

My 2 cents worth. I am encouraged your AH is attending AA where the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. I think it means that he wants to stop but can't, the very definition of an alcoholic in the first place.

Having been in his position I know he can hear the message and will be spending a lot of time trying to figure it out.

There is a saying, "you can only hear what you can hear when you can hear it, you can only see what you can see when you can see it" One day the penny will drop and he will see what he needs to do to recover.

I wouldn't know what to do about your living circumstances. I can tell you that finding myself without friends or family or job or money really helped me to see the reality of my situation. I think you have to do what you think is best for you and your family. If you do what you believe to be right, the chances are it will help your AH as well.