I really would appreciate some perspectives.
 

I was wondering if anyone could relate to the experience I have in relationships. I just got "dumped" the other day by a woman I really liked and wanted to be with because...Im TERRIBLE at showing emotion/affection/whatever. Im afraid that, especially as a man, that it will be perceived as weakness and being needy. ..and be exploited. Its hard for me to show emotion.

Even at my best...I screw these things up. Sober or Drunk letting my guard down in that regard just seems...like a terrible idea. The ironic thing is that when that thing you are trying to prevent by acting a certain way, is the end result of that thing you were trying everything to avoid. :headbange

If you like this girl showing affection is not a sign of weakness its a sign of love

Hi Polaris :)
My boyfriend is a very reserved person who really hasn't much connection with his deeper feelings and seems extremely uncomfortable expressing them. I always have to dig in and it's like pulling teeth to get him to say any darn thing and it leaves me feeling so sad and alone. There are lots of things written about this subject, maybe just do a little research on how to open up more? I think a lot of people struggle with it. I'm a pretty offbeat kind of intuitive person so this comes naturally to me almost to the point I feel I die a little death if I can't express myself or express myself inaccurately. I'm also a very affectionate person and it is important that it's reciprocated or again one may feel left in the cold and as if they are giving and never receiving. BTW I'm an F dating an M.
Just a little sweetness goes such a long way and it does not have to be a big gesture really, leaving a little note or even a text sometimes just saying "Hey I was thinking of you" can go miles.

Also I agree with Soberwolf- if you get the hang of communicating and showing affection, affection being very different than sexual kind of attention (lots of guys seem to think they are one and the same) you will both be happy.

My first question is are you sober? An amazing number of problems go away once we sober up. The ones that don't are the ones we need to work on.

I think a lot if us were brought up in similar ways - the good news is we can change if we want.

It was hard for me to trust, but I worked on it - I think communication is really important too.

I was raised to think that women were somehow fundamentally different to men and that it wasn't necessary for guys to share their inner most stuff.

Thankfully I've had some great partners in my life and I've learned women are people too - people will respond if you reach out, regardless of gender :)

D

I usually don't do this but what Dee said.

What I did when I was going through all of that was to just get honest with myself and find out what I really wanted with a woman.

Am I ready for marriage?

Do I just want to date for female companionship/sex?

Do I want to live with her but not get married?

Do I want to date more than one woman at a time?

These were just some of the questions I had to be honest about with myself. Then I had to learn to tell the woman how I really felt about her and what my goals were.

One of the hardest social lessons that I struggle with is that if another person rejects me because I'm honest, then it's for the best. I don't mean this in the way of those people who say things like "I'm a jerk, it's who I am!" and act terribly in the name of being honest. But I mean if I show my real heart or mind and someone walks away, it'll hurt now but less than it would in the long run if they stayed and I could never be real.

So yes, I empathize. It's not showing emotion that I'm afraid of, but I am afraid of showing weakness. I'm trying to get over that. As you note, it doesn't really lead to any good outcomes. I'm sure I missed a couple of potential relationships because I was too afraid to be openly interested.

Yep, me too. I really struggle with emotion stuff and have always been afraid of showing "weakness".

Highly recommend you check out a TED talk by Brene Brown about "vulnerability". 21 million views so she must have something worth paying attention to:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow...ty?language=en

Here's the thing Polaris, if she dumped you because you are not affectionate / not showing emotions and you want to change, maybe there is hope for you as a couple!

As a woman I will say it's very attractive for a man to take a risk and show me he cares for me. However, there is a balance. Too much affection too soon can be overwhelming, and relationships that work best are between people that have similar preferences with this. (Not everyone is cut out for constant displays of affection or feelings talk!) Good on you for taking a look at this! I second the Brene Brown thing, I've learned a lot from her books.

I think Dee is on the right track, communication is the key here.

It was hard for me to learn how to communicate when I have never done it before. I was always one to keep my emotions hidden. Other than anger I never expressed emotions due to fear.

Happiness was also a hard one for me and even though my life is going great, I still struggle with it. I feel like a robot when I express verbally how happy I am. I think I sound fake to myself even though the feelings of happiness are real and I know it is important that I express them. It gets easier as time goes by.

If the other person knows you have a difficult time then they can be a little more understanding and reach out more themselves to get that affection and happiness started. Sometimes that is all it takes.

A hug, a smile and a kiss can go a long way.

Thanks for the responses, and I will check out that video sometime.

I left a card and letter outside her Apartment door (since she made it pretty clear she doesnt want to talk) trying to explain stuff and tell her my honest feelings about her. She's a strong personality so I have a feeling she is going to stand firm/resolute (she seemed very adamant), and it wouldnt shock me if she saw it and threw it away without even reading it. At least I tried. Id like to hear from her, but if I dont life will go on all the same.