Didn't make it even a week...
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Didn't make it even a week...
So I fell off tonight. Which is ridiculous; I just made a thread about prevention for a party tomorrow and was ready--- and then tonight I drank.
I wasn't drinking. I was sitting up late with a roommate and had this horrible craving for a cigarette. So I went outside and cruised around for a while until I was able to bum one, and then on the way back to my dorm came across this girl and yadda yadda she came back with me to the dorm.
Very simple. I thought she was cute, she was rather tipsy herself, I wanted to make something happen, and I didn't think I could do it without booze.
So my roommate lent out the whiskey and that was that. Didn't think twice; just started drinking.
Didn't get drunk, but it doesn't matter; it's 5 in the morning now, and when I reflect back on everything I said I don't trust it. Getting drunk has nothing to do with the complex guilt I get from drinking anymore; it's just any alcohol, of any amount.
Because if I hadn't drank I don't think there would have been babble until 4.30 in the morning. If I hadn't drank I could at least recount what I'd said and understood any social-negatives I'd made. If I hadn't drank, maybe I'd have actually succeeded in kissing the girl rather than just warming myself red in the face off alcohol.
Just everything. The moment I started drinking the entire scenario became synthetic; it hasn't anything to do with amount of drinking. If I touch a drop I am lost; I don't know it then, but I do later. Like now.
And I've got to bring this up here. It isn't that I didn't want to get drunk; it's that I just about can't do it anymore. The "magic" of drinking hasn't come back at all since I fell off in September. I can honestly say I was able to get drunk twice during the entire month I was off; for the most part I can't do it. I'm too aware of the rawness in my mouth, or the speed in my heart, or the emptiness of my stomach. I just can't get drunk; I drink, and will drink all the night, but I drink water now, and eat, and I hardly achieve even a buzz, let alone being drunk.
The point is; I'm drinking with zero "benefit" anymore. The only way to achieve the state of truly drunken anymore requires an absolute total abandon on my part and forceful pursuit of drinking recklessly. And the second time I forced it in September is what also caused me to come back to sobriety; it was very bad, and I caught it.
But has anyone else experienced this? Drinking is in no way any less of a problem because I'm not getting drunk; honestly it feels even worse anymore because I damn well know not to do it, and that understanding comes on immediately once I stop. But it's that inability to get drunk, to reobtain that total abandon of self and care that was the bread-and-butter of my being so dangerously drunk of an alcoholic for four years, that I am referring to.
I know nothing is going to happen other than that I'll roll in bed later and want to tear my eyes out. I don't get drunk, I don't have adventures, and, as tonight proved, I don't get the girl. I get nothing but a horrible, terrible hatred of myself; yet I still did it again
I wasn't drinking. I was sitting up late with a roommate and had this horrible craving for a cigarette. So I went outside and cruised around for a while until I was able to bum one, and then on the way back to my dorm came across this girl and yadda yadda she came back with me to the dorm.
Very simple. I thought she was cute, she was rather tipsy herself, I wanted to make something happen, and I didn't think I could do it without booze.
So my roommate lent out the whiskey and that was that. Didn't think twice; just started drinking.
Didn't get drunk, but it doesn't matter; it's 5 in the morning now, and when I reflect back on everything I said I don't trust it. Getting drunk has nothing to do with the complex guilt I get from drinking anymore; it's just any alcohol, of any amount.
Because if I hadn't drank I don't think there would have been babble until 4.30 in the morning. If I hadn't drank I could at least recount what I'd said and understood any social-negatives I'd made. If I hadn't drank, maybe I'd have actually succeeded in kissing the girl rather than just warming myself red in the face off alcohol.
Just everything. The moment I started drinking the entire scenario became synthetic; it hasn't anything to do with amount of drinking. If I touch a drop I am lost; I don't know it then, but I do later. Like now.
And I've got to bring this up here. It isn't that I didn't want to get drunk; it's that I just about can't do it anymore. The "magic" of drinking hasn't come back at all since I fell off in September. I can honestly say I was able to get drunk twice during the entire month I was off; for the most part I can't do it. I'm too aware of the rawness in my mouth, or the speed in my heart, or the emptiness of my stomach. I just can't get drunk; I drink, and will drink all the night, but I drink water now, and eat, and I hardly achieve even a buzz, let alone being drunk.
The point is; I'm drinking with zero "benefit" anymore. The only way to achieve the state of truly drunken anymore requires an absolute total abandon on my part and forceful pursuit of drinking recklessly. And the second time I forced it in September is what also caused me to come back to sobriety; it was very bad, and I caught it.
But has anyone else experienced this? Drinking is in no way any less of a problem because I'm not getting drunk; honestly it feels even worse anymore because I damn well know not to do it, and that understanding comes on immediately once I stop. But it's that inability to get drunk, to reobtain that total abandon of self and care that was the bread-and-butter of my being so dangerously drunk of an alcoholic for four years, that I am referring to.
I know nothing is going to happen other than that I'll roll in bed later and want to tear my eyes out. I don't get drunk, I don't have adventures, and, as tonight proved, I don't get the girl. I get nothing but a horrible, terrible hatred of myself; yet I still did it again
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I didn't find drinking pleasurable for many years before I wuit - but it was no less a need in me I needed to fill.
QT you need to do something different.
If you're not going to move, you really need to fill your life with sober people.
Is AA or some other meeting based group a possibility for you?
QT you need to do something different.
If you're not going to move, you really need to fill your life with sober people.
Is AA or some other meeting based group a possibility for you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I didn't find drinking pleasurable for many years before I wuit - but it was no less a need in me I needed to fill.
QT you need to do something different.
If you're not going to move, you really need to fill your life with sober people.
Is AA or some other meeting based group a possibility for you?
QT you need to do something different.
If you're not going to move, you really need to fill your life with sober people.
Is AA or some other meeting based group a possibility for you?
Honestly, I'm feeling down. And I know it's because I drank, but I'm really getting tired of a lot of things too. I was sober for a week, but my sleep-schedule hadn't changed. Still awake until 7 or 8 in the morning; still missing the most of every day and my favorite season because I can't wake myself up before the afternoon no matter how hard I try. Still not writing creatively, and that's been the case for years yet it never left my mind for even a day; just zero creativity. I feel nothing when I try, and not just writing but all mediums; feel dead. And I'm reading a lot and even that has reached this apathetic point; I just devour book after book but I don't see why; I'm hardly feeling anything for anything anymore.
And quitting smoking sucks because I'm messing it up. I hate trying to bum cigarettes and feel like a sleaze but I just can't get past the feelings of triggers with cigs; I won't do anything when I don't have them because everything I do makes me want them. And then I have an assignment due the next day and so I cave and buy a pack and try again and then it's just another day or two of me lying still and vapid in my bed before eventually caving.
Just feel depressed. Nothing's "working." And it's not even the drinking alone. I just don't feel anything. Or maybe when I do feel something, or something exciting happens like with that girl tonight, I squash the chance at a good and natural feelings by, for whatever reason, deciding to drink because I feel them arising.
I just want to go home. I really do, and next weekend I am going to. I have a very serious presentation to do this week, and maybe a paper, but no matter what I am getting myself the hell out of here next weekend. I need to be by the ocean again and just have those three days where I'm not around alcohol and parties and girls and everything. Three days of total quiet. I'm not telling anyone at all I'm coming back to town; just going to be by myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think if you stop drinking - even periodically - your mental health will improve.
I'm sorry your school doesn't have any kind of recovery help framework - that's unusual in this day and age, isn't it?
It doesn't mean that you can't stay sober tho - it just means you're going to have to work quite a bit on your own.
If there's no AA around, no recovery programmes on campus and you're living in a dorm where there's always going to be parties you're going to need to think outside the box.
I really lent on this community and it helped me immensely.
There is an online prescence (including meetings) for AA SMART Recovery and LifeRing to name three recovery groups.
Others have got a lot out of a book oriented approach like Rational Recovery.
Try and not feel discouraged. There's a lot you could do that you haven;t tried yet
D
I'm sorry your school doesn't have any kind of recovery help framework - that's unusual in this day and age, isn't it?
It doesn't mean that you can't stay sober tho - it just means you're going to have to work quite a bit on your own.
If there's no AA around, no recovery programmes on campus and you're living in a dorm where there's always going to be parties you're going to need to think outside the box.
I really lent on this community and it helped me immensely.
There is an online prescence (including meetings) for AA SMART Recovery and LifeRing to name three recovery groups.
Others have got a lot out of a book oriented approach like Rational Recovery.
Try and not feel discouraged. There's a lot you could do that you haven;t tried yet
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
Interesting thing I've noticed about being sober - girls admire me for being able to say no. They find me more attractive when sober at a social gathering, and I've been told a couple of times that they wish they could do it.
Something to consider
I'm not trying to be rude or offend you, but it seems like there a lot of reasons in your mind for not quitting. I know you WANT to, but every reason you give for not doing so is the AV talking. You CAN do this
Something to consider
I'm not trying to be rude or offend you, but it seems like there a lot of reasons in your mind for not quitting. I know you WANT to, but every reason you give for not doing so is the AV talking. You CAN do this
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Quiet,
I loved your post and I am so sorry that you are struggling.
Something you said really struck me -- "Getting drunk has nothing to do with the complex guilt I get from drinking anymore; it's just any alcohol, of any amount."
I have often thought about this -- where does that a guilt come from?? Is it because we have tried to stop and failed or because we have gotten to a stage when any drinking is so bad that down eep inside we know, and the guilt comes from that??
I have no answers, except that in my experience, once you are there, there is no going back. So for me, stopping was the only option to regain peace of mind because that guilt was overpowering.
There is also a lot of good new research about how our brain changes from booze and how after those changes are made one drink opens up those neuropathways and all bets are off. The AA folks saw the same thing but thought it was for another reason . For me, does not matter why, but its a fact.
Which is why for me, abstaining is do-able, moderation, not so much.
I am thinking of you. Let us know if we can help.
I loved your post and I am so sorry that you are struggling.
Something you said really struck me -- "Getting drunk has nothing to do with the complex guilt I get from drinking anymore; it's just any alcohol, of any amount."
I have often thought about this -- where does that a guilt come from?? Is it because we have tried to stop and failed or because we have gotten to a stage when any drinking is so bad that down eep inside we know, and the guilt comes from that??
I have no answers, except that in my experience, once you are there, there is no going back. So for me, stopping was the only option to regain peace of mind because that guilt was overpowering.
There is also a lot of good new research about how our brain changes from booze and how after those changes are made one drink opens up those neuropathways and all bets are off. The AA folks saw the same thing but thought it was for another reason . For me, does not matter why, but its a fact.
Which is why for me, abstaining is do-able, moderation, not so much.
I am thinking of you. Let us know if we can help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: south texas
Posts: 152
QT
" Very simple. I thought she was cute"
There is always going to be something or somebody that will cause us to want to drink.
The ultimate test for me would be: " if I hit the big lottery , could I honestly celebrate without drinking? ??"
Could Anybody?
" Very simple. I thought she was cute"
There is always going to be something or somebody that will cause us to want to drink.
The ultimate test for me would be: " if I hit the big lottery , could I honestly celebrate without drinking? ??"
Could Anybody?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I’m from the old school where the old timers would say “nothing is as important as our sobriety, NOTHING. An alcoholics life can start when we plug the jug, permanitly.
I/we need to do things we don’t want to do as usually the outcome is beyond belief.
I would have been told to go to a school where there are a lot of meetings every day. No BS or arguments and I hated some of those “suggestions.”
An alcoholics life will never get better than today if we continue to drink. No rationalization works.
BE WELL
I’m from the old school where the old timers would say “nothing is as important as our sobriety, NOTHING. An alcoholics life can start when we plug the jug, permanitly.
I/we need to do things we don’t want to do as usually the outcome is beyond belief.
I would have been told to go to a school where there are a lot of meetings every day. No BS or arguments and I hated some of those “suggestions.”
An alcoholics life will never get better than today if we continue to drink. No rationalization works.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Colchester, England
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by QuietToday
I also can't do AA because I don't have a car and my school is in the middle of nowhere
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 160
Here is what I think.
You have made a lot of long winded posts analyzing your situation and how you feel about alcohol. You've explained why you can't drink anymore and how it makes you feel. But, all I see is talk. There is no action. If you want to get sober, then do it. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. That's the way it works.
If you truly care about your sobriety, get out of your comfort zone and start making changes. Stop talking about your situation, change it.
You have made a lot of long winded posts analyzing your situation and how you feel about alcohol. You've explained why you can't drink anymore and how it makes you feel. But, all I see is talk. There is no action. If you want to get sober, then do it. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. That's the way it works.
If you truly care about your sobriety, get out of your comfort zone and start making changes. Stop talking about your situation, change it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
I don't know Slick, a lot of us needed to do a lot of analysis and I think that Quiet's is very thoughtful. I wish I had been so thoughtful at that age.
Now he just needs to put those thoughts into action, but without the thoughts....
We are all pulling for you QT.
Now he just needs to put those thoughts into action, but without the thoughts....
We are all pulling for you QT.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by SlickRick07
Here is what I think.
You have made a lot of long winded posts analyzing your situation and how you feel about alcohol. You've explained why you can't drink anymore and how it makes you feel. But, all I see is talk. There is no action. If you want to get sober, then do it. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. That's the way it works.
If you truly care about your sobriety, get out of your comfort zone and start making changes. Stop talking about your situation, change it.
You have made a lot of long winded posts analyzing your situation and how you feel about alcohol. You've explained why you can't drink anymore and how it makes you feel. But, all I see is talk. There is no action. If you want to get sober, then do it. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. That's the way it works.
If you truly care about your sobriety, get out of your comfort zone and start making changes. Stop talking about your situation, change it.
But I know. I've been sober before, twice for 4 months each.
I'm bombing now though; I'm having a bit of a hard time getting used to the seat again, I guess.
When I was sober for a while I got to the point where I was able to foresee events where I'd expect alcohol and handle it. But now I'm not there; fell off for an entire month, and I'm rather invalid about all of this. So it's that perilous newness in sobriety all-over; didn't expect to have a romantic interest come about, and the suddenness of it beat me down.
But now I know. So today I try again, and with another piece of knowledge with me
I'm also buying goddamn cigarettes today! I'm going to give myself two sober weeks with cigarettes before I try and get rid of them also again; it's just too brutal!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Quiet,
I loved your post and I am so sorry that you are struggling.
Something you said really struck me -- "Getting drunk has nothing to do with the complex guilt I get from drinking anymore; it's just any alcohol, of any amount."
I have often thought about this -- where does that a guilt come from?? Is it because we have tried to stop and failed or because we have gotten to a stage when any drinking is so bad that down eep inside we know, and the guilt comes from that??
I have no answers, except that in my experience, once you are there, there is no going back. So for me, stopping was the only option to regain peace of mind because that guilt was overpowering.
There is also a lot of good new research about how our brain changes from booze and how after those changes are made one drink opens up those neuropathways and all bets are off. The AA folks saw the same thing but thought it was for another reason . For me, does not matter why, but its a fact.
Which is why for me, abstaining is do-able, moderation, not so much.
I am thinking of you. Let us know if we can help.
I loved your post and I am so sorry that you are struggling.
Something you said really struck me -- "Getting drunk has nothing to do with the complex guilt I get from drinking anymore; it's just any alcohol, of any amount."
I have often thought about this -- where does that a guilt come from?? Is it because we have tried to stop and failed or because we have gotten to a stage when any drinking is so bad that down eep inside we know, and the guilt comes from that??
I have no answers, except that in my experience, once you are there, there is no going back. So for me, stopping was the only option to regain peace of mind because that guilt was overpowering.
There is also a lot of good new research about how our brain changes from booze and how after those changes are made one drink opens up those neuropathways and all bets are off. The AA folks saw the same thing but thought it was for another reason . For me, does not matter why, but its a fact.
Which is why for me, abstaining is do-able, moderation, not so much.
I am thinking of you. Let us know if we can help.
I made a mistake last night. It hurts, and is shameful---- but I'm not going to let it knock me out.
Caught off-guard; that's how I feel about it.
So today I'm back on to sobriety, and I like to feel that this time will be better because I know some more
I also think the guilt we feel from drinking serves as an undertone of our sobriety too. I know a lot of us continue to drink and therefore resurrect those negative feelings, but it's often because of those negative feelings that we try to get sober.
So I'm thankful I get all whiny and self-deprecating every time I drink now :P I feel it gives me great resolve to prevent it happening again.
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
QT, from my experience, when somebody say, "Yeah, I not gonna drink, cuz I a hard core addict and I getting my self right." ...the chicks dig it! It make you kind of bad ass.
I mean, let face it, getting sober not for sissies.
I mean, let face it, getting sober not for sissies.
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