What is/was your lifestyle/routine like? Here's mine.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 25
What is/was your lifestyle/routine like? Here's mine.
I want to share my alcohol fueled experience/lifestyle/struggles with two motivations; a) help other people realise that they're not alone in the way they feel/live b) I think writing this will help me realise what a f*** up lifestyle I have/had.
My excuse to drink for the last 20 years has been social anxiety & depression. Let's start with a usual friday and go through a few days of my life. Wake up with a massive hangover, hit the snooze 3 times, foggy head, still feeling a bit drunk. I have pain in my stomach, right side, back. I wanna stay in bed for another 10 hours but have to go to work, again. I had told myself that I would take it easy last night and go to bed at 10, but I remember still drinking at 11:30, can't remember much after that or what time I went to bed. I try to get some sleep on the bus to the office. Have a few fisherman's friends in case I smell alcohol. Work is painful, headache, I can't concentrate, I need to read the same sentence 3 times. I'm trying to remember the stuff I worked on last week but can't remember much. Every time I talk to someone about work I try to support my head (fist under the chin, etc.) so they can't see that it's shaking.
I try to drink 1.5 L of water a day, like that's gonna help get rid of the 500ml scotch from last night. When I need to walk to the kitchen to get water, I raise my head above the partition and try to see if anyone is already in the kitchen so I can time my visit when it's empty. Walking to the kitchen anxiety starts to build up.
Few pain killers later it's almost 5, I can hear people talking about going to pub after work so I sit lower on my chair, hiding behind the partition. Anxiety is getting higher and higher, fearing they will ask me to go as well. I'm trying to come up with an excuse why I can't go in case they ask but they don't ask me anyway, I'm that quiet guy in the corner who never says anything. Increased anxiety increases depression too. They leave for the pub, even more increased depression. Part of me wants them to invite me as well, because I'm bored and lonely, other part doesn't. I know how uncomfortable I will be if I go. The way I look at it, if I join them, I'll go through massive anxiety and end up depressed cos I couldn't even join the conversation, other than smiling and nodding. If I don't join them I still end up depressed but at least I didn't go through the anxiety, win!
I wait for people to leave and head for home. On my way to the bus stop I see people having fun with their friends, partners, depressing me even more. Self pity begins, "Look at all these happy/social people, you don't even have anyone to call. I will spend yet another friday night with my good old friend johnnie"
I rotate between the 3 bottle shops so they don't know how much I drink but I think they do anyway. Couple of times they gave me a large red label without me asking. I pay cash so my alcohol consumption doesn't get a record on my credit card.
Get home. If people I live with are home too, I hide the bottle inside my jacket and try to sneak it in, like they don't know how much I drink anyway. Fill a glass to the top, no ice, sit in front of the computer for hours of web surfing. Today's friday so I'm allowed to drink more than weekdays. I'm hungry but can't be bothered with food, wanna get drunk first. Few hours of pointless surfing later I can't stand the hunger anymore, sway to the kitchen, make something greasy, eat, continue drinking. It's only 11, there's a couple of hours of drinking I can get and then I'll go to bed at 1 am.
It's now 2 am, I know I had too much, but hey it's friday, I'm allowed, I'll finish this last one and go to bed. 2 more glasses later, holy s*** bottle's almost finished. OK, bed time. Sway to the bed, holding on to the walls, crash and fall asleep (pass out?) 30 seconds later.
Wake up saturday 2 pm feeling terrible. Why am I doing this to myself? Did I have to drink that much? I remember the 1 am limit, why didn't I stick to that? I'm killing myself here. OK, I won't drink much tonight. I have stuff to do that I've been putting off for ages, better get to those but man, with this kinda hangover I can't be bothered. I won't drink much tonight so I'll do it tomorrow. Sit/walk around like a zombie. Get a nap on the couch. Eat something at 6 pm, open the bottle at 6:30, s***, not much left at all, there isn't enough in there to make me sleep tonight, need to go to the bottle shop again. I'll go to the other one today. I can't find the motivation to do anything but somehow there's enough motivation to walk to the bottle shop. Come back home, turn on the computer, what are all these tabs? I don't even remember going to these pages. S***, I hope I didn't post anything stupid on that forum page. Check history, hey I made a bunch of comments full of spelling mistakes. Check phone, I sent some meaningless messages to someone I didn't talk to in a year, there's no response.
Wake up sunday 1 pm. Why am I doint this to myself? OK, I need to give up. I'm serious this time. I'll just finish that little bit of scotch that's left in the bottle tonight and no more, at least till friday.
Wake up monday morning for work, feeling like s***. Look in the mirror, why are my lips red? Ah yeah, I remember now, after I finished off my scotch, I finished bottle of flatmate's leftover wine too.
Struggle all day at work. Stay sober monday night, can't sleep, toss and turn all night.
Tuesday, still hungover from the weekend and sleepless too. I keep thinking all day at work, whether I will keep my promise to stay sober till friday or give in. All the way home on the bus I think about if I should buy a new bottle or not. Instead of getting off at the bus stop near my house, I get off at the next stop, near the shops. Do I walk home or go to the shop? Walk up and down the street for 15 minutes, debating. I know the guilt I will feel in the morning if I buy a new bottle. I decide not to buy and start walking home. Stop after a hundred meters, have a cigarette. Walk back to the shop and buy a new bottle. OK, I'll only drink 3 glasses tonight just so I can sleep but then I'll stay sober till friday. Next day I get a new bottle 'cos I had so much to drink that there's no way I will be able to sleep without drinking. Repeat for days, months...
How f*** up is that? How can you be not depressed with a life like that? I don't know what happened but something clicked last weekend and this is my 6th sober night now. Feeling 10 times better already. Sort of feeling proud too. I even walked to the kitchen today when I knew there were people there, didn't say anything but still. I had a look online and there is an anxiety support group near here, with monthly meetings. Free too, scotch isn't. Thinking about going to the next meeting, not sure if I will be able to, there's still a lot of anxiety & depression to deal with but I'm feeling positive for the first time in a very very long time. There might be hope after all, future's looking better and all it took was 6 days. 10/10 recommended
My excuse to drink for the last 20 years has been social anxiety & depression. Let's start with a usual friday and go through a few days of my life. Wake up with a massive hangover, hit the snooze 3 times, foggy head, still feeling a bit drunk. I have pain in my stomach, right side, back. I wanna stay in bed for another 10 hours but have to go to work, again. I had told myself that I would take it easy last night and go to bed at 10, but I remember still drinking at 11:30, can't remember much after that or what time I went to bed. I try to get some sleep on the bus to the office. Have a few fisherman's friends in case I smell alcohol. Work is painful, headache, I can't concentrate, I need to read the same sentence 3 times. I'm trying to remember the stuff I worked on last week but can't remember much. Every time I talk to someone about work I try to support my head (fist under the chin, etc.) so they can't see that it's shaking.
I try to drink 1.5 L of water a day, like that's gonna help get rid of the 500ml scotch from last night. When I need to walk to the kitchen to get water, I raise my head above the partition and try to see if anyone is already in the kitchen so I can time my visit when it's empty. Walking to the kitchen anxiety starts to build up.
Few pain killers later it's almost 5, I can hear people talking about going to pub after work so I sit lower on my chair, hiding behind the partition. Anxiety is getting higher and higher, fearing they will ask me to go as well. I'm trying to come up with an excuse why I can't go in case they ask but they don't ask me anyway, I'm that quiet guy in the corner who never says anything. Increased anxiety increases depression too. They leave for the pub, even more increased depression. Part of me wants them to invite me as well, because I'm bored and lonely, other part doesn't. I know how uncomfortable I will be if I go. The way I look at it, if I join them, I'll go through massive anxiety and end up depressed cos I couldn't even join the conversation, other than smiling and nodding. If I don't join them I still end up depressed but at least I didn't go through the anxiety, win!
I wait for people to leave and head for home. On my way to the bus stop I see people having fun with their friends, partners, depressing me even more. Self pity begins, "Look at all these happy/social people, you don't even have anyone to call. I will spend yet another friday night with my good old friend johnnie"
I rotate between the 3 bottle shops so they don't know how much I drink but I think they do anyway. Couple of times they gave me a large red label without me asking. I pay cash so my alcohol consumption doesn't get a record on my credit card.
Get home. If people I live with are home too, I hide the bottle inside my jacket and try to sneak it in, like they don't know how much I drink anyway. Fill a glass to the top, no ice, sit in front of the computer for hours of web surfing. Today's friday so I'm allowed to drink more than weekdays. I'm hungry but can't be bothered with food, wanna get drunk first. Few hours of pointless surfing later I can't stand the hunger anymore, sway to the kitchen, make something greasy, eat, continue drinking. It's only 11, there's a couple of hours of drinking I can get and then I'll go to bed at 1 am.
It's now 2 am, I know I had too much, but hey it's friday, I'm allowed, I'll finish this last one and go to bed. 2 more glasses later, holy s*** bottle's almost finished. OK, bed time. Sway to the bed, holding on to the walls, crash and fall asleep (pass out?) 30 seconds later.
Wake up saturday 2 pm feeling terrible. Why am I doing this to myself? Did I have to drink that much? I remember the 1 am limit, why didn't I stick to that? I'm killing myself here. OK, I won't drink much tonight. I have stuff to do that I've been putting off for ages, better get to those but man, with this kinda hangover I can't be bothered. I won't drink much tonight so I'll do it tomorrow. Sit/walk around like a zombie. Get a nap on the couch. Eat something at 6 pm, open the bottle at 6:30, s***, not much left at all, there isn't enough in there to make me sleep tonight, need to go to the bottle shop again. I'll go to the other one today. I can't find the motivation to do anything but somehow there's enough motivation to walk to the bottle shop. Come back home, turn on the computer, what are all these tabs? I don't even remember going to these pages. S***, I hope I didn't post anything stupid on that forum page. Check history, hey I made a bunch of comments full of spelling mistakes. Check phone, I sent some meaningless messages to someone I didn't talk to in a year, there's no response.
Wake up sunday 1 pm. Why am I doint this to myself? OK, I need to give up. I'm serious this time. I'll just finish that little bit of scotch that's left in the bottle tonight and no more, at least till friday.
Wake up monday morning for work, feeling like s***. Look in the mirror, why are my lips red? Ah yeah, I remember now, after I finished off my scotch, I finished bottle of flatmate's leftover wine too.
Struggle all day at work. Stay sober monday night, can't sleep, toss and turn all night.
Tuesday, still hungover from the weekend and sleepless too. I keep thinking all day at work, whether I will keep my promise to stay sober till friday or give in. All the way home on the bus I think about if I should buy a new bottle or not. Instead of getting off at the bus stop near my house, I get off at the next stop, near the shops. Do I walk home or go to the shop? Walk up and down the street for 15 minutes, debating. I know the guilt I will feel in the morning if I buy a new bottle. I decide not to buy and start walking home. Stop after a hundred meters, have a cigarette. Walk back to the shop and buy a new bottle. OK, I'll only drink 3 glasses tonight just so I can sleep but then I'll stay sober till friday. Next day I get a new bottle 'cos I had so much to drink that there's no way I will be able to sleep without drinking. Repeat for days, months...
How f*** up is that? How can you be not depressed with a life like that? I don't know what happened but something clicked last weekend and this is my 6th sober night now. Feeling 10 times better already. Sort of feeling proud too. I even walked to the kitchen today when I knew there were people there, didn't say anything but still. I had a look online and there is an anxiety support group near here, with monthly meetings. Free too, scotch isn't. Thinking about going to the next meeting, not sure if I will be able to, there's still a lot of anxiety & depression to deal with but I'm feeling positive for the first time in a very very long time. There might be hope after all, future's looking better and all it took was 6 days. 10/10 recommended
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Yep it's madness alright. I somehow avoided drinking at work even during the worst of it, but for the most part if I was awake and not at work I drank all day long or as soon as I left work.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 464
Yep I can relate to pretty much all of that. Always with the not drinking goals in the morning lasting up until about an hour before work ends then trying to force myself to only drink a small amount, then driving buzzed up to the store to get more. I'm so lucky I never got a DUI through all of that. Always hating myself the next morning and wishing I could be better than this.
Its only going to get better if we remain abstinent. I'm glad that you are deciding to quit because that is a ferocious cycle we put on our minds and bodys!
Its only going to get better if we remain abstinent. I'm glad that you are deciding to quit because that is a ferocious cycle we put on our minds and bodys!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Margate, UK
Posts: 549
Almost identical to my drinking routine. So glad I'm out of that.
6 days is awesome, keep it up I haven't been sober for all that long, but I can tell you, EVERYTHING gets better when you don't drink
6 days is awesome, keep it up
I haven't been sober for all that long, but I can tell you, EVERYTHING gets better when you don't drink 
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 479
Years. I spent years like that, and I didn't stop until it got much worse. It's like I was waiting for the endless cycle to magically stop on it's own, never quite understanding that I had the power to stop it.
Thank you so much for sharing! Welcome to SR!
Thank you so much for sharing! Welcome to SR!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 166
A lot of what you wrote rang true. I'm coming up to my 7th day sober and right now for me the happiest thing is waking up and not having the guilt I imposed upon myself daily for getting drunk the night before. Everyday sober is like xmas right now. Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Zoso,
What a great post -- you nailed it.
Anxiety is the worst thing I have ever experienced, and alcohol tricks us into thinking it helps, when it makes it so much worse. Great that you are seeking real help -- and there lots of folks here who understand.
You can do this, and we are here to help.
Hang in there.
What a great post -- you nailed it.
Anxiety is the worst thing I have ever experienced, and alcohol tricks us into thinking it helps, when it makes it so much worse. Great that you are seeking real help -- and there lots of folks here who understand.
You can do this, and we are here to help.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Very good reminder of the alcoholic merry-go-round.
My drinking life was quite similar.
Now, after being sober for a pretty good while, my life is incredibly full.
It is full of friendships, recovery, work, play, sporting events, the arts.
My life today is a continue blessing which unfolds and reveals itself each day.
Why don't you join us?
My drinking life was quite similar.
Now, after being sober for a pretty good while, my life is incredibly full.
It is full of friendships, recovery, work, play, sporting events, the arts.
My life today is a continue blessing which unfolds and reveals itself each day.
Why don't you join us?
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